Is this it?

Old 07-01-2013, 02:10 PM
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Is this it?

I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 3 years. I have a 9 year old with a previous marriage, so my current situation is harder for me to let go because this is my second marriage. And I'm for one do not believe in divorce at all. My ex-husband left me for another woman, and my husband now is supposedly just a "drug user". I noticed a change in my husband 6 months ago, no sleep for days once a month, with the occasional visit to porn sites, and physical changes. I asked my husband, what was going on with him, why did he have mood swings, why does he stay up all night, he says he's stressed out at work. He's currently a VP in his company, and was just recently promoted. I kept at him and told him he didn't look right, and didn't act right. He would get furious at me, until I suspected that he may be using drugs. I confronted him, and he said no, I then told him to take a drug test 4 weeks ago, and surprisingly enough he did. Sure enough, the drug test came out positive "meth" he denied it of course, he said it was the robitussin. I told him, if there is one person who knew him best it was me. Of course, he denied it, and was furious at me, called me names like I've never heard before. Really? you can call your loved one those names? Until I believe he sobered up few days later, and finally told me that he did use meth, and that he's not an addict. According to him, he's just an occasional user, and that he will tell me next time he uses. Really? To make it easier for him to use drugs? For me to enable him? He told me to down play it, because he doesn't really crave for it. Really? again, did he not think of the consequences? I told him I was not okay with it. I did not think then to tell him to get help, because I thought okay, recreational...maybe he can control it, as long as I can help him through it, by talking about it, and letting him vent when he craves. That didn't work! And just two weeks later (currently) I saw it in him again, his eyes, his voice changed, his activities were similar to when I suspected. So I confronted him again, I believe it was when he was coming down, bad idea! and this time he was so mad and told me to let it go, and I said no. I told him I will not put up with his drug use, because that is an addiction. He started to throw stuff at me, and looked like he was going to hurt me. I then told him to leave, it was midnight, when he was going on rampage. My daughter was asleep, and he was just yelling at the top of his lungs, so I told him I was calling his father because I cannot handle him, he went in rage and yelled some more, pulled the cell phone from me. My daughter woke up and cried screamed at him and told him to stop. He left right away. Then an hour later, he told me that he just wanted me to be happy, he was sorry for not being the person to do that. And that he was not angry with me, but himself, because all I accused him of were true. And that I will find a better place. I agree with him. But I still love him with all my heart. I'm trying to be strong by staying no contact with him, however he came home just 15 minutes ago to pick up more stuff. Did not say a word to me, and I didn't say a word to him. He left again. This is so hard. I want to just pick up the phone and yell at him again, but that is no use. I want to get over this hump now, I want to get to my happy place and really know that my daughter and I will be okay with or without him. But for sure, if he comes back, there will be rules that he will need to abide by. But, it seems that he has chosen the drugs over my daughter and I. Please talk me through this, I need all the help to cope daily. I want someone to tell me to not pick up that phone to call him. I want someone to tell me to just let go, and that I will be fine.
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Old 07-01-2013, 03:23 PM
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Don't call him---Let him go if that is his choice---I cannot promise you will be fine but everything will be different.
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Old 07-01-2013, 03:25 PM
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Your story sounds almost like mine, except my husband has been using cocaine and not meth. He too says it is just for fun, he is not addicted. He has been using only on weekends, and at this point the only person or thing being affected by his behavior has been me. I was doing the same things you were and it doesn't work. I made no progress talking with him while he was high, and none when he was coming down. Also with my husband I made no progress when I yelled, or made him feel guilty because he got defensive. He was never violent like it sounds like your husbands is, but he became very aggressive in specific ways. I let him bully me into doing things I didn't want to do for fear he would leave and destroy our marriage. I have had some luck so far in talking to him in between times when he is more stable. Two weeks now his behavior has improved, but I'm not buying he does not need help, and he is not addicted. Maybe not full blown, but he has a problem. I had been thinking about it for two weeks and today I called and talked to a psychologist who specializes in addiction medicine. I explained what was going on, and I have an appointment next week because of the holiday. It is for both of us if my husband will go, if not then I will go alone and get some advice. I wanted you to know your not alone, and no matter what happens you will be ok.
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Old 07-01-2013, 04:24 PM
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Welcome to SR, but I am so sorry for what has brought you here.

I was married to my husband for 8 months when I found out he was using meth. He was displaying a lot of the same behaviors you have seen in your husband (up for days, watching a lot of porn, moody, etc). He was able to stay sober for a few years, but he relapsed last year. Things went from bad to worse. I've decided to file for divorce.

Living with an active addict is enough to drive anyone crazy. You start to question everything, even yourself. Take this time to focus on YOUR recovery. Read the stickies on this forum (lots of helpful info) and try to regain some peace in your life. I definitely agree that should have boundries to protect yourself and your daughter. I hope your husband gets help, but that is up to him.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I felt like I was going down with the ship. His addiction was taking the joy out of life and I had to let him go. No one can tell you wheter to stay or go, that is your decision. Just know that you are not alone and keep coming back for support.

Hugs
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Old 07-01-2013, 05:04 PM
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Savemyhusband, as your husband has demonstrated that he can be violent please do not press the issue with him again. Accept the fact that if he is using meth he is not the husband anymore that you knew. If he recently started using the odds are things are going to get worse and worse and worse. If you have any control of money get all of it that you can and hide it along with your jewelry and valuable possessions, do not let him use your car for any reason. If he has become addicted to meth he is a tortured soul and its not going to be pretty. If you can, in some very subtle way find out if he is using needles, those that do are the worst ones. I hope I am wrong of course, but be prepared. Take care of you and your daughter. Please, do not confront him. Prayin for ya.
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:17 PM
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Yes please do not confront him, high, coming down, or even if he hasn’t used. Methamphetamine users are highly unpredictable and violent, and he already proved he will snap. If forced into a corner no one can predict how he will react. And I say this with an understanding, YOU are not equipped to handle him.

This is a dangerous play ground. If he left, be grateful. Although in time he will probably be back … prepare for that. If he takes the steps to get himself help, it will be obvious, if he doesn’t that will be equally as obvious and you will see comparing out ( I am not as bad as, which in actuality is them telling exactly how bad they are ) downplaying, a lot of blame and excuses for everything on everyone else but himself.

Educate yourself, find cynical’s blog, that is the best one stop shop in town. Loaded with information! And get yourself some support as it won’t hurt at all.

Take good care of you and your daughter.
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:27 PM
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Hi smh,
I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I found out my husband was injecting speed/meth around 3months ago but in hindsight this likely started 'recreationally' before then.
My last 3months have been hell learning of addiction. I've haven't actually witnessed him high (I don't think) but definitely when he's coming down. Even when he's 'clean' he's moody, snappy, doesn't help much with the kids & has little no interest in anything he use to love doing. The short time i have seen him the last 3months we didnt really talk. he didnt seem interested in much conversation & slept alot. He also just isn't rational in his thinking. Scary, sad stuff. Meth is really ugly.
He will be back & you need to decide what you want to do. Be prepared. As said above, hide belongings & car keys. I learnt the hard way!
I really hope your husband gets help (& mine!!) but it's only up to them. He will only do it for himself. Until then my husband is not to come home. I don't want to put myself or my kids through the crazy drug cycle.
Read up on addiction, read these posts they really helped me. You'll be surprised how similar many of the stories are. But more importantly work on yourself. That's what I'm trying to do.
Good luck & stay safe!
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:42 PM
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Very sorry for what brings you here. If you have not yet read up on how drug use affects a person from a medical perspective then I would recommend the stickies at the top of the forum from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. One of the threads talks about how addiction is a complex disease; on that thread there are a couple links that might be helpful to you. One shows actual MRI scans of a meth user. It shows how the brain is altered, and I think helps explain some of the turbulent behavior seen by meth users in particular. The last link on that thread has youtube clips form a movie called Pleasure Unwoven that explain how when a person is in active addiction, the desire for drugs on an unconscious level becomes something that is viewed as necessary for survival; just like air. Why this is so important, I think it helps to understand that you cannot take the addiction personally. He is not really choosing drugs over you; he is caught in this cycle of drug dependence, and as it continues his ability to think rationally will deteriorate. If his use continues, I would be prepared for it to have an effect on his career, salary, and benefits like insurance. My husbands primary drug was opiate based pain meds, he was able to continue working; but meth seems to lead to such instability and erratic behavior he may not be able to hide his use for long if he doesn’t seek treatment.
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Old 07-02-2013, 07:02 AM
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Anyone who is smoking or shooting Draino, battery acid, and industrial fertilizer really should not be around you much less a child. You can't save your husband, but you can save your child by allowing her to live with a trusted friend or relative while you get your feelings sorted out.
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:23 AM
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It is always tough to welcome someone to this forum because of the reasons they come here. But I'm glad you found us. We all understand what it's like to love someone addicted.

Meth is a tough one. All drug addition is tough. Allforcnm is right.....although it may be hard to see right now. He is not using "at you" and he is not choosing drugs over you and your daughter. Drug addiction doesn't work like that. He chose to use initially but addiction takes over.

I hope that he will choose to pursue recovery....but unfortunately, he's got to want it. And often there are a lot of consequences along the way.

So......what do you do? Get support wherever you can. SR is a great resource. Individual counseling (make sure they have experience with addiction though.....I've heard some real nightmare stories about therapists who don't have a clue about addiction). Support groups are a good resource (Nar-Anon is for friends and families of addicts but if there is not a meeting near you, Al-Anon or CoDA are similar fellowships).

My son is a recovering meth addict. The irrational behavior, flash anger, paranoia are all very typical. It can be very frightening to be around them. If your husband feels the need to leave for the time being, that may not be a bad thing although I'm sure it feels terrible for you. It will give you some time to find the resources you need.

We are very big on self care around here. Taking care of ourselves and allowing the addict to feel the consequences of their use is important for both parties.

Take care of you. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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