What would you do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
What would you do?
Just curious what any of you would do if faced with my decision:
First to recap: It has been one year as of yesterday that my daughter and I moved out of the family home. My AH suffered a heart attach two weeks after we moved out. We were "fired" by our marriage counselor because of his refusal to stop drinking. I, and my daughter, have continued counseling. He on the other hand has stopped seeing his psychiatrist, stopped seeing the cardiologist and primary care doctor and stopped taking any of the 12 or so various types of medications he is supposed to be on (bipolar, high cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar issues, etc.). He rarely talks to our daughter and even more rarely sees her. He even seemed reluctant to allow her to visit with him on father's day. Needless to say, he tries at every chance he gets to convince me that if I would just give him one more chance he would prove to me that he is willing to change his life for us so we can be happy together (I call BS on that every time I hear it). Fortunately, he has stopped the daily (or even weekly) calls. I now hear from him about once a month. I worry for his health, and from the sounds of it, he probably won't be around much longer.
With all that being said, here is the decision I am trying to make:
I would love to take my daughter on a real vacation this year. She has never been on one (she is 8) and I haven't been on one in at least 14 years. There is a week available for us to do this just before school starts. It is the only week that I don't have child care for the summer. It is also the week of his birthday. Smack in the middle of the week. In some ways I think that it shouldn't matter since they never see or talk to each other. But in other ways, I think it does matter because he is her dad and it is his birthday and she would likely want to see him that day.
I have to make this decision soon due to reservation restrictions. My daughter knows nothing of my plans (but I know that she would be over-the-top thrilled with what I want to do) and I didn't really want to tell him about it. He would likely try to make me feel bad about how he is all alone and unloved.
Still fighting my codependency issues I suppose. I know I should just go ahead and book the trip, just thought I would see what other people in a similar situation would do.
First to recap: It has been one year as of yesterday that my daughter and I moved out of the family home. My AH suffered a heart attach two weeks after we moved out. We were "fired" by our marriage counselor because of his refusal to stop drinking. I, and my daughter, have continued counseling. He on the other hand has stopped seeing his psychiatrist, stopped seeing the cardiologist and primary care doctor and stopped taking any of the 12 or so various types of medications he is supposed to be on (bipolar, high cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar issues, etc.). He rarely talks to our daughter and even more rarely sees her. He even seemed reluctant to allow her to visit with him on father's day. Needless to say, he tries at every chance he gets to convince me that if I would just give him one more chance he would prove to me that he is willing to change his life for us so we can be happy together (I call BS on that every time I hear it). Fortunately, he has stopped the daily (or even weekly) calls. I now hear from him about once a month. I worry for his health, and from the sounds of it, he probably won't be around much longer.
With all that being said, here is the decision I am trying to make:
I would love to take my daughter on a real vacation this year. She has never been on one (she is 8) and I haven't been on one in at least 14 years. There is a week available for us to do this just before school starts. It is the only week that I don't have child care for the summer. It is also the week of his birthday. Smack in the middle of the week. In some ways I think that it shouldn't matter since they never see or talk to each other. But in other ways, I think it does matter because he is her dad and it is his birthday and she would likely want to see him that day.
I have to make this decision soon due to reservation restrictions. My daughter knows nothing of my plans (but I know that she would be over-the-top thrilled with what I want to do) and I didn't really want to tell him about it. He would likely try to make me feel bad about how he is all alone and unloved.
Still fighting my codependency issues I suppose. I know I should just go ahead and book the trip, just thought I would see what other people in a similar situation would do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
GO FOR IT! Your daughter has been through a lot as well as you, you owe it to both of you to have some R&R. So what if it's his birthday, do you think he would make the same accommidations if the situation were reversed?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
You should go and enjoy some healthy happy times with your daughter. You can plan something for her to do before you go to mark her dad's birthday she can make him a card maybe make a cake with you for him to mark the occasion and then you can have guilt free vacation time.
When I go away with my daughters I always think we are making memories together that we can all enjoy looking back on. I love vacations and doing things we wouldn't do at home, staying up late, eating too much ice cream, little treats. What a lovely opportunity for you both. I really think you should go for it. Go have loads of fun and take lots of pictures!
When I go away with my daughters I always think we are making memories together that we can all enjoy looking back on. I love vacations and doing things we wouldn't do at home, staying up late, eating too much ice cream, little treats. What a lovely opportunity for you both. I really think you should go for it. Go have loads of fun and take lots of pictures!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Better yet, bring him the cake the week AFTER you get back--why ruin the trip with drama right before you go?
She can make him a pretty card with a coupon inside for a "birthday surprise" to be redeemed the week you get back. Mail it JUST when you leave, so you will already be gone when he gets it. That way, it will be clear that you guys didn't just space it out or forget.
If he didn't care about Fathers' Day, I wouldn't lose sleep over being away on his birthday.
She can make him a pretty card with a coupon inside for a "birthday surprise" to be redeemed the week you get back. Mail it JUST when you leave, so you will already be gone when he gets it. That way, it will be clear that you guys didn't just space it out or forget.
If he didn't care about Fathers' Day, I wouldn't lose sleep over being away on his birthday.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
The last time DS and I travelled outside the state was when he was just starting to crawl (he's 8 now). I've been trying to save to be able to travel; h-ll, I've been trying to budget so we can afford to go camping outside our yard.
AXH hasn't even been trying to comply with the court's orders on what he needs to do before seeing DS again. It's up to HIM to take the steps he needs to take if he wants to see DS. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide being a father is important enough to him to do what he needs to do. If a chance for DS and I to travel came up now, I wouldn't hesitate.
And while your situation is a bit different, I'd still say: the current track record is no reason to put off an opportunity to travel on the off chance he decides to change.
AXH hasn't even been trying to comply with the court's orders on what he needs to do before seeing DS again. It's up to HIM to take the steps he needs to take if he wants to see DS. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide being a father is important enough to him to do what he needs to do. If a chance for DS and I to travel came up now, I wouldn't hesitate.
And while your situation is a bit different, I'd still say: the current track record is no reason to put off an opportunity to travel on the off chance he decides to change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's been a year, did he acknowledge your or his daughters bdays?
I don't reward people for bad behavior, cancelling a trip to recognize someone's bday who can't even be bothered calling you or his daughter would be kind of crazy.
I am also very aware of not allowing my children to grow up co-dependent. Yes he is her father but he's an emotinal long distance father and you can't force the kind of father - daughter relaitonship you would like her to have on someone who doesn't want to participate.
If she even realizes it's his bday (with out your input) then let it go and get on with your lovely life and enjoy the trip.
I don't reward people for bad behavior, cancelling a trip to recognize someone's bday who can't even be bothered calling you or his daughter would be kind of crazy.
I am also very aware of not allowing my children to grow up co-dependent. Yes he is her father but he's an emotinal long distance father and you can't force the kind of father - daughter relaitonship you would like her to have on someone who doesn't want to participate.
If she even realizes it's his bday (with out your input) then let it go and get on with your lovely life and enjoy the trip.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He on the other hand has stopped seeing his psychiatrist, stopped seeing the cardiologist and primary care doctor and stopped taking any of the 12 or so various types of medications he is supposed to be on (bipolar, high cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar issues, etc.). He rarely talks to our daughter and even more rarely sees her. He even seemed reluctant to allow her to visit with him on father's day.
I am very grateful and happy to have my minor health problems, and boy, I tell ya, if the doctor tells me I need to take care of my sugar and blood pressure, I would be taking every damn pill prescribed (and I do!)
He sounds as if he does not care enough to live, let alone be a decent father.
wow, I call ******** on his begging for one more chance, for what?
For you and your daughter watch him drink himself to death?
NO, a thousand times no on that.
go on your wonderful vacation, and send the card like lexie said (excellent idea) he is not forgotten, and you have a great time!
Vacation with mom! Wow! Please have a good time and send a postcard from on the road if you can.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
I booked the trip! Feeling pretty queasy, but I also feel it was the right thing. I haven't told my daughter yet, trying to avoid the constant questions of "how much longer?"! Also, I know that she will tell him as soon as she talks to him, then I will get to listen to his pity party. I have prepared her though by talking about a possible vacation that week, and that fact that it will just be the two of us, and that her dad's b-day is then. It sure is difficult trying to explain why he can't go on a vacation with us, but I think she understands.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
wahooo ~ vaca!!
enjoy the "just the girls" trip ~
hope yall have a great time!
Try to not allow the nasty ole guilt monster to ruin the fun - especially since it would be a large dose of "unrealistic guilt" ~
There is nothing wrong with taking your daughter on a vacation ~
It was not your choice for her dad to choose to not be a part of her life ~ that was his choice ~
Enjoy the time with her while you can!!
pink hugs
enjoy the "just the girls" trip ~
hope yall have a great time!
Try to not allow the nasty ole guilt monster to ruin the fun - especially since it would be a large dose of "unrealistic guilt" ~
There is nothing wrong with taking your daughter on a vacation ~
It was not your choice for her dad to choose to not be a part of her life ~ that was his choice ~
Enjoy the time with her while you can!!
pink hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
The vacation was a total success!!! Disney is the happiest place on earth and my daughter was elated, to say the least! She called to wish him a happy bday and went over to visit with him when we returned (first visit since father's day). Thank God, no drama!
Now on to my next adventure........heading to London for a week for work. Queasy again, but for different reasons.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement I have found here. You guys are the best!
Now on to my next adventure........heading to London for a week for work. Queasy again, but for different reasons.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement I have found here. You guys are the best!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Let your daughter decorate a card for him & pick out a special present, then arrange for UPS or a friend to drop it at his house on his birthday. Plus, she can call him from anywhere in the world. He isn't showing signs of wanting to improve, so I'd take some time for you & your daughter. You both deserve it.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by leighr 
Thank God, no drama!
Now on to my next adventure........heading to London for a week for work. Queasy again, but for different reasons.
Again, Mrs. Hammer expected to refuse to attend.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by leighr
The vacation was a total success!!! Disney is the happiest place on earth and my daughter was elated, to say the least! She called to wish him a happy bday and went over to visit with him when we returned (first visit since father's day). Thank God, no drama!
Now on to my next adventure........heading to London for a week for work. Queasy again, but for different reasons.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement I have found here. You guys are the best!
Now on to my next adventure........heading to London for a week for work. Queasy again, but for different reasons.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement I have found here. You guys are the best!
I was hoping you meant Disney from your OP - we just returned from a 4-day weekend there ourselves! It truly makes the rest of the world melt away once you step foot on property - we just forget about everything and have FUN. I'm sure your daughter was over the moon when she found out, what an awesome surprise!!
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