theuncertainty

It's funny... not ha-ha... but there are times when I'm apparently not paying attention to what HP is trying to tell me, because I start getting bombarded by the same message over and over and over.

Today's (this month's / year's....) theme for me is Anger and specifically anger that I'm directing at myself. I've been having a really hard time dealing with anger about my relationship with AXH and how long I stayed. And the anger only hurts me, because it certainly isn't hurting AXH...

Crazed's thread about 'Who else just sometimes thinks "F-it. All of it"' got me thinking about would I go back to before I knew AXH? What would I be like if I hadn't met and stayed with him?

And Unhappi's thread about 'so sick of the lies and broken promises' dealing with my self-blame (read: anger directed at myself) for staying with AXH.

and so many other pointers... and they even show up in my e-mail inbox. I subscribe to a motivational e-mail. Today the following was waiting for me:

So, while some may need to let go of their anger, I apparently need to speak up. And I'm finding that thought so intimidating, and scary... and unfair. Because in working to find a venue to speak out about the relationship, the alcoholism, the abuse, I'd actually have to *THINK* about it. D-mn it. So, I now find myself wondering: can I ignore the message? *sigh*

fedupbeyondall

Anger is such an interesting emotion. It contains so much power, should it be directed in the right direction it can do amazing things. If it's directed in the wrong place it can destroy so easily. I really believe it's all in how we use it. We can use it to motivate us or to slowly kill us. Keep on keeping on tho. YOU CAN DO IT!

Florence

The only way past the pain is through it.

FireSprite

I also think anger is a legit emotion so long as you acknowledge it & work to get past it without letting it root and become resentments. It can be incredibly freeing to let it go once you are done analyzing/understanding it!

theuncertainty

Fedup, my sister says nearly the same thing about anger: depending on how it's directed, it can make things worse, can hurt you or some one else, or it can help facilitate the change that is needed.

Oddly enough, now that I've heard the message, I'm just scared.

Florence

Someone the other day told me I used to be very "prickly". Also had someone tell me my eyes are "much kinder now..."

...than what??? M'kay, was I side-eyeing and mean-mugging everyone before? What?

During the course of my therapy sessions, my therapist told me that anger was the easy emotion. It's mostly socially acceptable, especially for men, and we have a lot of language and avenues to express anger in our culture. But the things about anger, she said, was that it was usually a substitute emotion for underlying authentic feelings of disappointment, fear, inadequacy, sadness, frustration, remorse, guilt, etc etc.

I found it was true for me.

theuncertainty

Florence, yes, I understand that anger is the "easy" one. When I left AXH, he asked why, I answered, "I'm tired of being angry."

My therapist pointed out that anger is usually a mask for other emotions as well. She'd ask how I felt about life with AXH, my first response was usually "angry." Digging eventually got to pretty much everything you listed there. And it took so much work to get beyond "angry." So admitting that I'm still angry feels like a step back, especially when I realize it's not the only emotion bubbling away.

LexieCat

I think that's the reason why, when we do a Fifth Step according to AA's Big Book, you are supposed to do it by identifying who, or what, you are resentful about. You are then supposed to go through and figure out what is being threatened (self-esteem, financial interest, intimate relationship, etc.).

And most of them, when you boil them down further, come down to FEAR. And who the heck wants to be afraid? Much more "acceptable" to say you are angry.

dandylion

theuncertainly, are you able to say what you are afraid of---specifically. Can you say to yourself? Can you say it outloud to another person?

That might be a way to begin.

What do you think......

dandylion

When I feel locked into a corner---I have used this method to get my "to do" list started.

owathu

I seriously had the same thing happen to me about a month after everything went down last year. I had been so angry for so long, once all hell broke loose and I found out about the cheating....I became a happy person again. People would tell me, you seem lighter, more bright. You're finally smiling and joking around again. For so long, I had been keeping the secret about how our new marriage really was. I became a bland "hausfrau"..not caring about anything. My world was so grey. And I was grey.

It was such a relief to not have to deal with the drunk blob when I came home, to deal with all of his BS, and not have him ask how I was doing, ever, Or having him roll his glassy eyes at me...Never again.

To have people comment on it kind of woke me up to how far into the black hole I was. That a few weeks out I was smiling, happy and bright again says a lot. I was so angry for so long. Pissed at everything. I even drive calm 98% of the time now.

theuncertainty

Thank you, Dandylion.

wicked

Yes, you were! I can tell! Because I was angry all the time too!

I am in this crowd here, can you pick me out? LOL
I think I did have a "tension" that I was unaware of until I did a fourth and fifth step.
Thank you for reminding me LexieCat, it is time to work on that again.

for me, anger covered my fear.
My fear of being "discovered" as a phony.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of feeling the fear!
True, better to be angry than afraid, angry keeps people away.
That was my strategy anyway.
It was still painful, and I was lonely.
so, I accomplished exactly what I was afraid of.


Have you done the step work? I am not sure if it is the same as AA, but the one in AA is very thorough, or if it is not, it is no good. (meaning I will pay later for not being fearless and thorough in my inventory)
Holding on to resentments, feeling someone should "pay"?
I am just thinking out loud, this was my big anger after I got sober.
I thought it was horribly unfair that my ex "got to" use away his problems,
and I had to be the grown up.
And, I felt that I had been used and I never had any fun,
because the fun had long been gone from drinking when I finally stopped.

Maybe if you could pin it down to one fear, or resentment or a hurt, then you could
let it go, because "anger" is soooo big and covers so many fear feelings.

I am going to look at the codependents guide to the twelve steps.
I have been watching some you tubes about "back to basics" by Michael Mark?
Good guide on how to do the fourth step for alcoholics, but I guess that would not apply to you.

Maybe before I write anymore, I should get a little more clarity on this myself.
theuncertainty, I feel what you are saying.
It has me thinking. Could be dangerous!


Beth