Why do they stop talking to you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Washington
Posts: 25
Why do they stop talking to you?
Why do they stop talking to you, as if you have done something wrong?
I've been watching from the outside as my exabf has been going more & more out of control over a year. I still miss him but he refuses to talk to me or have contact in any way.
I can't understand that, because he is the one that lied about his alcohol & drug addiction, hurt me, etc.
6 months after we split, he actually asked another girl to marry him. (she said no).
How could he fall in love w/someone else in 6 months?
I've seen several pics of him lately, thru friends & family. He looks like another person, has lost tons of weight. Always wearing sunglasses. Always on the phone.
I finally saw a pic of his eyes. They are black & vacant. Sad.
Why do I care so much when we are broken up? But I still do. I'm afraid he's really going to kill himself thru all of this. But it seems no one- that he talks to, anyway- ever says hey: I think you've got a problem!! They just watch him spin farther & father down the rabbit hole. He spends the $$, and no one cares.
Do they really forget about us, the ones who they loved & who loved them? Or do they remember & it gets shunted aside?
I've been watching from the outside as my exabf has been going more & more out of control over a year. I still miss him but he refuses to talk to me or have contact in any way.
I can't understand that, because he is the one that lied about his alcohol & drug addiction, hurt me, etc.
6 months after we split, he actually asked another girl to marry him. (she said no).
How could he fall in love w/someone else in 6 months?
I've seen several pics of him lately, thru friends & family. He looks like another person, has lost tons of weight. Always wearing sunglasses. Always on the phone.
I finally saw a pic of his eyes. They are black & vacant. Sad.
Why do I care so much when we are broken up? But I still do. I'm afraid he's really going to kill himself thru all of this. But it seems no one- that he talks to, anyway- ever says hey: I think you've got a problem!! They just watch him spin farther & father down the rabbit hole. He spends the $$, and no one cares.
Do they really forget about us, the ones who they loved & who loved them? Or do they remember & it gets shunted aside?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
Hi Bewilderment.
I haven't got much experience to offer advice but I did post a similar thread that got some good responses.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholics.html
I'm sure the regulars will be along to offer some excellent comments soon.
I haven't got much experience to offer advice but I did post a similar thread that got some good responses.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholics.html
I'm sure the regulars will be along to offer some excellent comments soon.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't know what anyone else has said to him. I'm assuming that, at some point, YOU told him, "Hey: I think you've got a problem!!!" Did it do any good? Did he run off to rehab?
Apparently he has no desire to quit drinking. Some people never do. My second husband didn't, either.
Your hanging on to this relationship is not doing you any good. I suggest you try Al-Anon and work on letting go. You are powerless to stop him from living as he wants to. Your energy is better spent on making your OWN life better.
Apparently he has no desire to quit drinking. Some people never do. My second husband didn't, either.
Your hanging on to this relationship is not doing you any good. I suggest you try Al-Anon and work on letting go. You are powerless to stop him from living as he wants to. Your energy is better spent on making your OWN life better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
I can't tell you why they stop talking but my AH often gave me the silent treatment and that's even worse than the ranting. When someone shuts you out so totally, it's very painful. It's difficult to detach and focus on yourself but I've learned to do that with the help of these boards. So sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think any time you try and get between an addict/alcoholic and their drug of choice you are going to become alienated. No matter who you are or how long you’ve been in their lives.
Our feelings are not like a light switch we can’t just turn them off. We learn to move on keeping them in our thoughts from time to time, that’s natural. It’s when they are consuming our daily thoughts that we are in trouble.
Maybe hearing, seeing pics of him trigger all those feelings in you and maybe you need more time and less reminders at this point.
Our feelings are not like a light switch we can’t just turn them off. We learn to move on keeping them in our thoughts from time to time, that’s natural. It’s when they are consuming our daily thoughts that we are in trouble.
Maybe hearing, seeing pics of him trigger all those feelings in you and maybe you need more time and less reminders at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I don't think they forget about us deep down, but on the surface, yes. On the surface they are consumed with one thing and one thing only:drinking. Does he think about you? Probably not because all he thinks about is his best friend, wife, lover, and mistress: Alcohol.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
I don't think they forget about us deep down, but on the surface, yes. On the surface they are consumed with one thing and one thing only:drinking. Does he think about you? Probably not because all he thinks about is his best friend, wife, lover, and mistress: Alcohol.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
and . . . you have to factor in, with long-term alkies and druggies . . . there are often some, umm, er, ah . . . mental health issues. Is that kind enough?
Put simpler -- Crazy Folks Act Crazy. Else the words would not have their meaning.
Put simpler -- Crazy Folks Act Crazy. Else the words would not have their meaning.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
my exabf has been going more & more out of control
you are so lucky he did not take you down with him as his hostage...
keep looking outside...but he has his own life and his own rock bottom to come too...
as for you, have you read MELODY BEATTIES co dependent no more?...awesome read, and all your answers are in that book that you seek....
you are so lucky he did not take you down with him as his hostage...
keep looking outside...but he has his own life and his own rock bottom to come too...
as for you, have you read MELODY BEATTIES co dependent no more?...awesome read, and all your answers are in that book that you seek....
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Katiekate
It really doesn't matter.
It's a form of abuse, it is done to hurt, isolate, and keep you on the line and in pain.
It's cruel and heartless and you nor anyone else deserves it.
It's a form of abuse, it is done to hurt, isolate, and keep you on the line and in pain.
It's cruel and heartless and you nor anyone else deserves it.
Mrs. Hammer still pulls this crap on her mom. Her mom is the only one who still cares if she pulls this crap. Our daughter got some weird text messages like "Do you still love me?" "Have you quit talking to me?" etc. from her Granna (Mrs. Hammer's mom) a couple of weeks ago.
Turned out the messages were supposed to go to Mrs. Hammer. Granna called our daughter up all panicked asking our daughter to delete and not read them. Too Late. So we knew Mrs. Hammer was pulling some of this crap on Granna.
Mrs. Hammer's dad, me, and the kids, all quit caring so it does not work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Washington
Posts: 25
Lots of very interesting new thoughts for me in your comments, that I actually hadn't considered before. I've been doing pretty well emotionally, but still trying to understand. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I probably never will.
I think that could be why he may have jumped into a new relationship so fast, it makes sense.
Thanks again to everyone for all of the comments & support. It's a real lifeline for people who don't know what to do.
I think that could be why he may have jumped into a new relationship so fast, it makes sense.
Thanks again to everyone for all of the comments & support. It's a real lifeline for people who don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
I don't think they forget about us deep down, but on the surface, yes. On the surface they are consumed with one thing and one thing only:drinking. Does he think about you? Probably not because all he thinks about is his best friend, wife, lover, and mistress: Alcohol.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
Deep down, they know they have failed yet again to make a relationship work. Deep down, they know they can never make a relationship work with anyone..But instead of identifying the cause of the repeated failed relationships (alcohol), they drink even more to hide from the pain and reality of who they are. Why? Because they are sick and alcohol is a disease of denial.
They jump into new relationships a quickly as they can in an effort to prove to themselves that the previous one didn't fail because of them. They need the distraction of a relationship to avoid facing themselves. The new relationship has the same value to him as the one with you did. It is a diversion, a way to not feel so alone, and often times a reason to drink more. That is all, because that is all he is capable of as long as his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is in now way "in love" with anyone but alcohol.
He's not mad at you, he hates himself and doesn't want to talk to you because it reminds him of who he is. Alcoholics are living a giant effing lie. The last thing they want is to be reminded of it.
To the original poster, I know exactly how you feel...
I was pushed aside for the "mistress" too and a year ago when I did speak with him (very breifly) he treated me like a total stranger...
I understand that you are hurting and that is completely understandable....
This person meant a lot to you, just like my boyfriend meant a lot to me....
I truly appreciate your candor, but may I suggest that you stop looking at what he's been doing whether it's on FB or talking with mutual friends?
It won't change anything and all that's doing is hurting you...
Dreams of Serenity, I think your post would make a great sticky...
I say this because, for as many people who have encountered incessant stalking from their alcoholic ex 's, there are just as many people who have been alienated by them....
Personally, I've been on the receiving end of both scenarios and either way it's hard to deal with...
Now, back to the original poster...
Of course, he's "with" someone else...
Dreams of Serenity was spot on with their explanation as to why this is...
And, I guarantee you that she's NOT you...
My guess is...she's either very co-dependent or...drinks as much as he does...
Sounds like a lovely couple, huh?
NOT!
And, if this "new" partner is not what I described above, she'll be smart like you are and eventually walk away too...
Just remember, as long as an active addiction is in the mix, a healthy relationship simply cannot be...
Thank you for your post...
Although, I know I am WAY better off, there are moments when I struggle with my ex wanting nothing to do with me too...
It's about THEM, not us!!!!
I hope you feel better soon...
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by EverHopeful721
THANK YOU, DOS. Just.....THANK YOU. I really needed to be reminded of this today, as I was mulling around in 'danger territory' again, and your words so eloquently hit the nail on the head and brought me back to reality.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Diva76
Wow! Where was this post 2 years ago when I first joined SR?!?
To the original poster, I know exactly how you feel...
I was pushed aside for the "mistress" too and a year ago when I did speak with him (very breifly) he treated me like a total stranger...
I understand that you are hurting and that is completely understandable....
This person meant a lot to you, just like my boyfriend meant a lot to me....
I truly appreciate your candor, but may I suggest that you stop looking at what he's been doing whether it's on FB or talking with mutual friends?
It won't change anything and all that's doing is hurting you...
Dreams of Serenity, I think your post would make a great sticky...
I say this because, for as many people who have encountered incessant stalking from their alcoholic ex 's, there are just as many people who have been alienated by them....
Personally, I've been on the receiving end of both scenarios and either way it's hard to deal with...
Now, back to the original poster...
Of course, he's "with" someone else...
Dreams of Serenity was spot on with their explanation as to why this is...
And, I guarantee you that she's NOT you...
My guess is...she's either very co-dependent or...drinks as much as he does...
Sounds like a lovely couple, huh?
NOT!
And, if this "new" partner is not what I described above, she'll be smart like you are and eventually walk away too...
Just remember, as long as an active addiction is in the mix, a healthy relationship simply cannot be...
Thank you for your post...
Although, I know I am WAY better off, there are moments when I struggle with my ex wanting nothing to do with me too...
It's about THEM, not us!!!!
I hope you feel better soon...
All the best,
Linda
To the original poster, I know exactly how you feel...
I was pushed aside for the "mistress" too and a year ago when I did speak with him (very breifly) he treated me like a total stranger...
I understand that you are hurting and that is completely understandable....
This person meant a lot to you, just like my boyfriend meant a lot to me....
I truly appreciate your candor, but may I suggest that you stop looking at what he's been doing whether it's on FB or talking with mutual friends?
It won't change anything and all that's doing is hurting you...
Dreams of Serenity, I think your post would make a great sticky...
I say this because, for as many people who have encountered incessant stalking from their alcoholic ex 's, there are just as many people who have been alienated by them....
Personally, I've been on the receiving end of both scenarios and either way it's hard to deal with...
Now, back to the original poster...
Of course, he's "with" someone else...
Dreams of Serenity was spot on with their explanation as to why this is...
And, I guarantee you that she's NOT you...
My guess is...she's either very co-dependent or...drinks as much as he does...
Sounds like a lovely couple, huh?
NOT!
And, if this "new" partner is not what I described above, she'll be smart like you are and eventually walk away too...
Just remember, as long as an active addiction is in the mix, a healthy relationship simply cannot be...
Thank you for your post...
Although, I know I am WAY better off, there are moments when I struggle with my ex wanting nothing to do with me too...
It's about THEM, not us!!!!
I hope you feel better soon...
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by EverHopeful721
^^^Yes, yes and yes. Linda, thank you for your post, also. It came just as I was sitting here and hit once again with a mini-attack of tears over thoughts of my XA.... Again, more words of wisdom coming at just the right time - thank you.
Thank you so much for your kind words....
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time...
Be gentle with yourself...
It's OK to feel sad.....
I believe it's part of the healing process...
Best wishes,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Diva76
Hello EverHopeful,
Thank you so much for your kind words....
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time...
Be gentle with yourself...
It's OK to feel sad.....
I believe it's part of the healing process...
Best wishes,
Linda
Thank you so much for your kind words....
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time...
Be gentle with yourself...
It's OK to feel sad.....
I believe it's part of the healing process...
Best wishes,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
Amazing thread. I wonder the same thing all of the time. Breaks my heart but Dreams of Serenity hit the nail on the head. We remind them of what they truly are. I am alienated and to blame for all of it. If he were able to be true to himself and see himself for what he is and has done, I don't think he could live with it. It is a survival mechanism for his disease and for his broken soul. I think he feels the remorse every day and drowns it away. It's sad really. Very sad. The hurt for me only lasts as long as it takes for me to remember he is hiding in shame from himself.
And I'm not jealous of any other woman he may bring into his life. No one will stay when they witness what I have and if they do, they will end up in the hospital or dead. Not something I envy.
Thank you for posting this thread.
And I'm not jealous of any other woman he may bring into his life. No one will stay when they witness what I have and if they do, they will end up in the hospital or dead. Not something I envy.
Thank you for posting this thread.
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