Crazed

Perhaps it is just one of those days, but I just want to say F-it all. I want to go back to 1999. I had never been around alcoholism, or even knew it was so prevalent in society. I was 31 years old, had a great job, goals, lots of friends, a good social life. Then I fell in love with the fun party girl that liked to drink alot.

Now my life seems to be nothing but recovery-speak, self introspection about my defects, endless conversations about how sick I am, accepting that I am powerless, need to turn my life over to a higher power, and I look forward to hanging out in church basements. My family has a hard time believing whom I have become, and the negative changes that I have gone through over the years because of my involvement with HER and HER disease. I have lost their respect, as well as the respect of my friends. There is no alcoholism in my family tree that I am aware of (either side). So I am now sitting and wondering, how did I get here!

Today I just want to say F-it all, and especially F the person and her baggage that brought this hell into my life.

Thanks for listening to my Sunday night rant.

Crazed

And to make matters worse, I no longer have Showtime, and the new season of Dexter started tonite.

..... But this is at least tolerable.

Hammer

Go, bro, Go!

We were sitting in the back of my brother in law's Explorer, today. Me, the kids and my sister, and my niece. All piled in going to the Museums in DC. We are on the kids' vacation that got cancelled due to Mrs. Hammer's rehab. I had a 12 and 12 along because my daughter and I have been going down it on this trip.

I was reading the Steps to them because my sister and BIL never have heard any of this stuff. Turned out he was a Big Fan of "My Name Is Earl." So by the time we got to Step 8 and 9, we were all just laughing out loud, because they get how crazy bizarre this stuff all is.

So at any rate, we split the kids up with my me, my sister and niece, and BIL and are taking the kids to all the things they want to see and do. World's Best Vacation Ever for the kids.

But Mrs. Hammer? . . . the stupid bytch refused to come along. So I am handling all the kids, and making sure they all have a good time and she calls them once a night to tell them she "loves them."

Here is what we need to clearly understand -- female mother alcoholics are . . .Worthless F-ing Selfish Bytches.

We Good On That, or What?

lillamy

Well, I'm divorced from AXH (who while not an alcoholic mother still qualifies for that invective, Hammer) and I think "FTS" a t least a couple of times a week.

And I think that's OK.

I have AlAnon friends who talk about how grateful they are that they've been exposed to alcoholism because its taught them so much and i generally look at them like they have two heads. This is one area where ignorance is clearly bliss and I was one heckuva lot happier before I knew jack about what it's like to be married to an alkie.

Yes I'm a better person than I was. But I'm also a more dystopian creature. And I'd love to go back to being happy and ignorant. At least I feel like that today.

DreamsofSerenity

I love a good vent.

Yeah, F*ck it all! And F*CK HIM for being such a selfish f*cking coward that he won't face himself and his disease!!!

Crazed

Amen to that. When the 12 steps were something that were necessary to get from the basement to the first floor.

Aeryn

Oh hell yeah - I was just thinking this the other day - I'm moving to my own place (will be legally separated soon and I will not be with an active A) so **** this ****. It's been one of those weeks, I was sitting in a meeting Saturday listening to someone say their disease of codependency was FOREVER and they needed the program forever ...and my thought was...ummm...OK that's great for you but my condition is temporary lady! LOL... I was thinking I was an alien that had just landed on another planet...Planet Screwed.

Seriously...sometimes....I know I need to keep working my therapy to make sure I don't replicate this relationship over again with someone else but geez...I really just wanna run...and hop off this strangle planet I've landed on.

Don't get me wrong - the program and therapy have changed me for the better - but really does it have to be FOREVER? Ugh at the thought.

FireSprite

H@ll yes i feel that way at least a couple of times each month and despite the fact that we're both working fairly decent recoveries. That's the feeling i get whenever that 'forever' realization happens... When i realize there IS no going back to how things were before we ended up in Crazytown.

Seren

Yes, constant self-introspection is exhausting! So....what did you do for fun this weekend, Crazed

wicked

I sure have some thinking to do today.
Not taking it personally is one of the lessons, for sure.
And, let it go.
Please, help us all, let it go.

Beth

HopefulinFLA

As they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Tough times make for a stronger, happier, healthier you. Just have to be patient til you get to that point.

Hang in there!

LexieCat

I used to feel that way, too, but I've become a lot more accepting of the past. Talk about things that you can't change! The past is the ultimate unchangeable thing.

Recovery isn't a sentence. If alcoholics can eventually use the word "recovered" (which is how it's expressed in the Big Book--the first 100 referred to themselves as "recoverED," not "recoverING") then so can we. In AA we talk about the need to continue spiritual "maintenance" by continuing to practice the principles of AA, but those principles don't demand putting on a hair shirt and flagellating ourselves every day. They do require ongoing efforts to stay on the beam and not slip back into behaviors and attitudes that might lead us back to a drink.

At some point, for people who are longtime AA members, the meetings become a way to stay connected with others (Fellowship), and to help newcomers. I think Al-Anon is similar. If you make the necessary changes in your life, you aren't "required" to continue going to meetings.

I think recovery is possible. For some people it takes longer than others to heal the damage that was done as a result of living with alcoholism.

I wish I had avoided alcoholic relationships. I wish I weren't an alcoholic. But, since I can't change either one of those things, I CHOOSE to look at the positives that have come from those experiences rather than be angry and resentful about it. I can't choose the past, but I can choose my outlook on life. And it took some pretty unpleasant experiences to force me to change the way I look at life and interact with people.

So, yeah, I understand the feeling, but I think it's one that is sort of counterproductive in terms of ongoing happiness in life.

Justshy

Lexie, I agree. Crazed, I absolutely get what you are saying. I think that way myself several times a day. The one thing I remind myself of constantly is the past is unchangeable. When talking with my RAH, I will say something like...for example...the kids are really bummed that we can't go to the Y this summer with all their friends...and he will say...well, maybe if you would have gotten a job 5 years ago like I wanted, you could afford things now. The first time he said that...I said...that's ridiculous to say...it's like me saying...you should have quit drinking 5 years ago. Both are very true statements...but...there's no way to go back 5 years...or even back to yesterday. As the days go by, I really am starting to appreciate what has happened in my life and how it is changing me...and how I am taking action to make changes. But, yeah, of course, it would be great if my husband was not an alcoholic and if we lived on a rainbow and had pet unicorns too.

sunnshinegirl

I hear you and I totally understand. Been there myself many a time.

Jazzman

OK so next time you meet a woman that has train wreck written all over the red flags you ignored, tell yourself... F this S and cut & run BEFORE you get emotionally involved.

Well, at least that's what I got out if my experience... YMMV

Hammer

Just flushing the toilet.

But the bathroom aint no place to live.

Florence

Eh, not usually. Sometimes I'm bewildered that this is actually my life, because it's certainly not what I was expecting or wanted for myself, but I don't wish it away.

Digging into this stuff made me change my life and my view of the world for the better. I would venture to say that I am much happier and more optimistic today about my life and my place in the world DESPITE all the craziness because I finally started figuring out how to make and apply boundaries instead of being at the will of my AH and my controlling parents and my AH's controlling parents.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and my FOO has a lot of dysfunction and pegged me as the problem child when I was young. I surrounded myself with other burnouts and underachievers and didn't believe I had anything to offer emotionally healthy people. I was angry, bitter, felt trapped, and emotionally I felt like I was caught in a hurricane without cover. I learned to accept failure and lies and stealing and drug and alcohol abuse as normal, understandable behavior. In fact, I was one of those people who thought it was hilarious, and not scary and dangerous.

This whole situation got me dead serious about myself. How do I have all these dysfunctional people in my life? What's with the string of addicted and/or controlling exes? Am I really responsible for making my narcissistic, histrionic mother happy? Why am I carrying everyone else's baggage? Why can't I be happy for others -- or myself?

Today I have a better relationship with my kids. I am involved in my community. I like myself. I sleep at night. I'm involved, engaged, and at peace (mostly) for the first time in my entire life. I still slip off the beam sometimes. I'm human. But if I had to get through the pain to get here, it was worthwhile.

EDITED to add: And I'm saying this mid-divorce, with no idea how I'm going to pay the bills month to month, with two babydaddies, a surly teenager, and a surly toddler in tow. I'm not perfect, I'm not a Type A. It's just that for the first time ever, I see doors opening in front of me, and I feel brave enough to be walking through them.

Tuffgirl

This is my ultimate take-away as well, thanks Jazzman! Because for some f-ed up reason, I am attracted to the train wrecks. But this time around, I am better at recognizing the red flags before I marry the losers!

Crazed, in my experience, this 'feeling' does go away over time. The last time I said 'f this s' was the day I quit talking and signed divorce papers. I've not looked back since, except in disgust and bewilderment that I stayed so long and let this guy treat me as a target for his anger. Sheesh, life is too short to live like that!

We say here a lot to let emotions pass, but this is one I'd recommend hanging onto for a while as a catalyst to do something different. Just my humble opinion...

~T

Crazed

The red flags were huge- Like spinning pictures on the walls (Think the movie "The Man With Two Brains"). Lesson learned.

I think part of MY problem over the last many years is that I have employed the "Let It Go" attitude. I let the lying go. I let the cheating go. I let the broken promises go. And look where that got me. I should have embraced the anger, and NOT let it go. Perhaps I would have actually done what I needed to do long ago, and cut the disease of alcoholism from my life.

dandylion

I hear you, crazed.

dandylion