chickaree777

Hello,
I just joined and this is my first post. I left my husband yesterday after way too many years of dealing with his substance abuse, lies and verbal/emotional abuse. I admit I have been an enabler, though I didn't realize it for a long time. I had hope, I loved him, and I wanted to believe he could change and become a healthy person and father. It has only gotten worse and he has turned to more damaging drugs. I had to get myself and my son out of the house before we were even more broken. I am working through my grief.... But here is my question:

My son is 8. He doesn't understand why we can't go home and he doesn't understand why his dad has become so angry and out of control. I told him his dad is depressed, but I am feeling like maybe I should tell him the truth. Is it something he needs to know right now? Will be feel ashamed of his dad? I just don't know quite how to explain it to him.

I would love to know how others of you have handled a situation like this.
Thanks.
Chicka

Ann

I think I would tell him the truth in a way he would understand.

Daddy is sick because he took drugs and he needs to get better before we can see him....or something like that.

At 8 years old he should be able to understand what drugs do to people, and being honest about it means he can ask questions and talk about his feelings too with you.

Just my thoughts. Prayers out for you and your boy.

Hugs

atalose

Hi chick and welcome,
Glad you found SR, lots of wonderful p0eople here.

Please know that you did the right thing for yourself and for your son by removing yourselves from active addition.
I think everything with children must be age appreciate, would an 8 year old understand addiction? Or depression? I don’t think so. Maybe just reinforcing constantly that he is not to blame for his dads behavior.
I know it’s summer time but reach out to his school and see what counseling may be available to him and you. Also check to see if your town, county offer any counseling for families dealing with addiction.
If you have insurance then by all means set up some kind of family counseling for you and your son.

legna

I very much agree with what Ann said. I've worked with prison families for a long time and explaining why mommy or daddy can't come home is something they have to do as well. Here is a link to a good guide for that and perhaps you can make the necessary changes for your situation as well as see how other parents have explained difficult topics to children (and btw, many are both addicts and in prison)

http://www.f2f.ca.gov/res/pdf/HowToExplainJails.pdf

sleepy22

I hope I don't have to get to this point, but the prison guide really helps. Eventually, I'm sure the child will be able to figure it out. I will just do my best to make sure they realize it's not the child's fault and they are loved no less.

story74

Always be honest, but for the age level. Be simple. I told my 4 year that daddy is sick. And asked him if he would like to say a prayer for him.

chickaree777

Hello again,
I thought I'd share with you all that I talked to him and he was very relieved and appreciative to know what's really going on. Of course, I told him about it in terms he could understand without going into great detail. It was enough that he now feels like we are partners in this, dealing with it together, instead of feeling like he was being left out.

He is very angry at his dad, understandably. I hate that this is his reality at 8 yrs old, but there's nothing I can do except make healthy choices for us from now on.

Ann

I am so glad that went well. Too often children think it is their fault, they blame themselves and remain silent and only years later can they begin to heal.

He knows he can talk about it now, it's no longer a "secret" and he will now be part of the solution, finding a new life with you.

Well done.

Hugs

eggdogg1234

Good job getting you and your son out of harms way and talking to him about it. My father went into rehab when I was around 5 years old. I was told he was sick. He came back and I watched my mother and him move forward. Not surprisingly I married an addict and tried to get her clean. The more your son can digest and work through what his dad has done and how it effects his life the better he will be in the future. I have/had a tendency to keep "bad" things a secret because that was what my mom did. Let your son know its not his fault, show him he is loved and do your best to not keep secrets from him...and be kind to yourself you are doing the right thing. Good luck.

longtimeohio

I just wanted to share my opinion. I was raised by an addict and knowing that gave me permission to use as I became a teen (The do as I say and not as I do). By my early 20s I had a child with an alcoholic, left him and swore to never let my child know about that kind of life (addiction). I never did tell my son anything more than his father was very sick and could not see us anymore. Now 25 years later my son is a very well adjusted young man with a family of his own.

penelope222

I told me son when he was 8 that his dad has a drink problem..he was wondering why his dad often cancelled him on pick up days. So i told him in the end.. Also told him that it wasnt just him that was put second but work too and anything in fact. He was happy to know. He was getting too old for my excuses about his dad anyway. For a while when his dad would cancel him he felt priviliged to know tbe real reason. Now age eleven he said he refuses to be left down anymore and made to feel like a fool. He will not go to spend time with his dad anymore. His dad texts him often asking him if he will change his mind. My son says no. I still dont think his dad fully understands the reason !