anyanka

Hey, newbie here !!
Just thought I'd come on and tell my story as I've literally just had another issue with my wonderful alcoholic father !!

So, I'm 26 years old. My parents split up when I was around 11 and I choose to live with my mum. I used to have this illusion that my childhood with married parents was wonderful and happy - but the older I get the more I realise that it wasn't the case. I have memories of my dad coming in drunk at all hours, waking me up in the process, my mum shouting at him for waking me up as I had school the next morning, and him beating her.
Not that long after they split my dad actually followed me and my mum home and when I went upstairs he tried to rape her and to this day no-one knows that I actually heard that.

So, basically since they split my mum met someone new and we moved to the country when I was about 13. My dad was never one to try and stay in contact with me or my brother, which again is something I have only really realised as I have gotten older. He would probably maintain that he did, but really for years I only seen him on occasions like Xmas & Easter.

When I was about 18 we moved back to the city and we live not that far from him. So I started going to his house every Sunday for dinner. At first it was fine. He was sober and always ran me home again. There was the odd Sunday (like literally once in a blue moon) he would be drunk and give me money for a taxi home.
As soon as I passed my driving test at 21, the fun and games started. I still go to his house on a Sunday. I would say 5 out of 52 weeks a year he will be drunk. And the abuse is unreal. He sits and moans about my mum and her partner, what a bitch she is etc etc. He will laugh at what he says and expects me to laugh also.

I started seeing my boyfriend almost 5 years ago and he made the decision to start coming up to my dad's with me every week. This helped the first few times but then of course it got to the point where my dad just didn't care that my partner seen him drunk.

My dad refuses point blank to talk to my mum. I don't talk to her about him as she is happy now and deserves the life she has now. I wouldn't want her to be upset that I have had to go through what I am so she basically doesn't have a clue. My dad has said on many occasions (including sober) that he refuses to go to my wedding if I ever get married, if my mum and her partner are there. He refused to go to my graduation dinner or sit near her at my graduation a few years back.

When my mum got remarried I made the choice not to tell my dad, because it wasn't his business and it would quite frankly give him more ammunition to sit and insult her to me. Eventually about 3 years ago he found out and ever since it has gotten worse. He has thrown me out of his house on numerous occasions, he will sit and call me a bitch (among some other choice names), he will text me or phone me calling me everything. Last year I got messages saying how I'm a weirdo compared to his nephews and he never wants to see me again.
We went to a christening last year of my cousins child. He got very drunk at this, and after pretending in front of everyone to be all nice to me, decided to start whispering things at me calling me names and when I left, he text saying he watched me crawl around people all night and that people will find out I'm a c**t.

In my previous job, it got to the point where I was breaking down crying in work because he wouldn't stop texting and calling with insults and my boss had to answer the phone at one point and tell him to leave me alone.

Just today, we had been in his home for 10 minutes, music blasting when we entered. He came downstairs drunk, sat down and started crying, ignoring every question I was asking him. He eventually turned round and said 'just go.' I now have a text saying 'enjoy your life with your lovely mum and baldy' (her partner). I have now resorted to turning my phone off for the rest of the night (as I usually do when this starts).

My dad is the nicest man on the planet when sober. When drunk he is the worst. My brother stopped speaking to him a long time ago. I wish I was in a position to cut off contact too, but I hate confrontation and I'm the type of person who strives to make people happy. His sister and b nephews also live quite close to my mum and are not the type of people to let me away with cutting off contact with him.
This is the first I have actually told my story to anyone other than my boyfriend and my previous boss (who was going through something similar with her ex-partner).

I am literally at a crossroads. My boyfriend tells me to just tell him I don't want him to drink anymore. I find that a lot easier said than done. I have suffered from depression for over a decade, which has worsened with my father's drinking. I dread going to sleep on a Saturday night now as I fear what will come on the Sunday (and the texts the following days.)
I am trying to have a somewhat normal life, we are trying to save for a house deposit, we want to have kids and get married. But thinking about having kids and getting married, he will put a dampner on those.

Anyhoo, I do apologise for this going on for so long. There is a LOT more I could have written !! After today's fiasco I have reached the point where I wanted to vent and maybe tell someone else what is going on, rather than burdening my partner yet again.

Kialua

I think you should rethink your desire to please. Going no contact is something very many of us have had to do to be healthy and keep our families together. You have choices to make. Have you read our stickies above? They are a great place to start to help yourself make a game plan and we can help by example. I would welcome you to read my blog found here under my name to the left.

Have you had any counseling or could you get some? I'm glad you found us here at ACoA. We understand your life. But you have options to make yourself happy. Your father doesn't need you in his life and it's not your obligation to stay in his life. Believe me, I know your need to have a father but... do you need THIS father? Stand up for yourself and don't allow him to speak to you thus. Change your phone number and refuse to participate in his alcoholic hate. Sounds like you have a nice boyfriend, don't lose him over your unhealthy attachment to your alcoholic father.

What do you think? Ready for a change?

anyanka

Thanks for your reply Kialua

Well, he has literally just turned up at my boyfriends parents house which is a first. He has sobered up since earlier and as usual was apologetic.
I think I finally lost the plot a little and told him I don't want this any more. I work 9-5, 5 days a week. I do not want my weekend spent fearing what he is going to be like nor spend a day watching him drink.

I have had a conversation with my other half and he has suggested even altering it up, maybe going to see him on Saturday for lunch rather than going up on a Sunday. Breaking the cycle and trying to do things my way and in a way where I don't see the drunkenness. My boyfriend is also from a home that contains an alcoholic father and insane mother, although they tend to have a cycle with 2 weeks of normality and then a week of craziness ! So it helps that he understands what it is like !

It's a big step even writing what I wrote above as really this situation is something that I have basically kept to myself for years. I agree that I need a change to happen. I have began to read your blog - I find it surreal when others write things that I too think in my head but don't really know how to put into words !

BTW I am aware I wrote in my post that he is drunk 5 out of 52 weeks a year. What I meant to say is that he is sober 5 out of 52 weeks !!

Kialua

LOL I was wondering about the 5 of out of 52 weeks!

It really does help to talk to others and see that you are not alone doesn't it? Just take it for granted that he will be foul and operate in that. See him if and when you want.

My dad was great at apologizing. Just never followed through. Sorry is one word, repent is another, repent means change. Without change sorry is worthless.

tromboneliness

This is tough to deal with -- but Kialua has (at the risk of crosstalk) nailed it. Dad does this stuff because you put up with it. He can't put a damper on your life unless you let him -- which he knows you'll keep doing.

There is no law that says you have to answer phone calls. This is a very important concept. In my Dad's last year or two, when he was becoming impossible, I started answering less and less often. I'd answer every other call, eventually every third or fourth call, etc., and eventually it may have dawned on him that there was no point in calling unless there was an actual reason other than being a PITA. I'm glad he never figured out how to send a text -- but if he had, I'd have blocked him in a heartbeat. Text messaging is probably the worst communication medium ever invented, for manipulation/control and general insanity -- because as with e-mail, it's too easy to read, bang out a reply, and hit [SEND] before you've had time to think it over.

The other important concept -- also covered in K's reply -- is that the apologies are meaningless.

The main thing I want to get across, though, is that there's a lot you can do about this -- and it can happen without your Dad changing anything! I started going to Al-Anon almost 18 years ago, and it has slowly improved my daily life in a million ways -- mostly having to do with how I interact with people. The "people-pleasing" aspect you describe is familiar, because I'm the same way, to a large degree -- that is going to be true of most of us (pointing around the room, as distinguished from Those People Out There, gesturing toward the window). You can't control your Dad, but you can control how you react to him!

Keep us posted -- this is a helpful group. Good luck!

T

FeelingGreat

anyanka, have you heard about setting boundaries? If you want to keep in touch with your father, you have the right to treated with consideration and dignity. It's not a matter of 'dodging' his drunk times by visiting on Saturdays. That puts all the responsibility on you and none on your father.
Your boundary might be that you won't stay if he's been drinking (at all). Then he gets to choose. If he wants to see you and have dinner with you he stays sober. If he drinks, as is his right, then he has chosen not to see you.
Please try to think of yourself not as a daughter (child) but a responsible adult, which you are. This is something I am trying to instil in my DIL who has a misbehaving mother. Parents of adult children must come to terms with the fact that they have to GIVE respect to RECEIVE respect. It's not their automatic right. You'll be doing your father a favour if you show him that you expect respect from him.

DavidG

Noo... this is "our" special space. Did you see the chair lady looking at her watch?







David G.
New Zealand.