Staying firm with no contact, but my mind keeps spinning
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Staying firm with no contact, but my mind keeps spinning
Hi everyone. You've all been so helpful on here, both ont own posts and reading all of the others.
A week ago I set a no contact boundary for my alcoholic boyfriend who had relapsed out of rehab, hiding his driving and lying to meagnifocently, and getting mean and angry and among me when I said he needed to be serious in his recovery and straight with me.
So thanks to all of you, I feel more resolve than I would have on the no contact. He texted me last night, called and texted the night before, and I while I love him and miss the man I wish he could help himself be, I have not really even been tempted to respond.
BUT, each night in the middle of the night, my head is spinning. I wake up many times in the night almost in nightmares, sad and afraid for him. Knowing he's torturing himself and likely to continue. (Our relationship was rather young, but I know from him and his family that his alcoholism is over a decade long, maybe 2. And roots that go back 30 years.
So I feel like my actions -- not doing any more of those involved long conversations with him and detaching with no contact -- are right. But when I'm alone with myself I can't get him off my mind. I think part is grieving the relationship I thought we had that I now really know down deep isn't there or possible. And part is grieving for him, this beautiful human being who can't get out of his own way and is slowly killing himself.
I reserved a copy of Women Who Love Too Much after reading about it here on SR and am picking it up today. I'm traveling but will go to Al Anon when I return home. And I'm going to keep reading and posting here. And I'm setting an appointment with my therapist. I know this is fresh Andy reaction likely just the way it goes. But ugh, there's so much sadness and loss, even while I also feel a sort of relief and freedom knowing I'm aiming towards self-care.
Anyway, just needing to post on this. And to thank you, all your support and knowing I'm not alone helps a lot.
A week ago I set a no contact boundary for my alcoholic boyfriend who had relapsed out of rehab, hiding his driving and lying to meagnifocently, and getting mean and angry and among me when I said he needed to be serious in his recovery and straight with me.
So thanks to all of you, I feel more resolve than I would have on the no contact. He texted me last night, called and texted the night before, and I while I love him and miss the man I wish he could help himself be, I have not really even been tempted to respond.
BUT, each night in the middle of the night, my head is spinning. I wake up many times in the night almost in nightmares, sad and afraid for him. Knowing he's torturing himself and likely to continue. (Our relationship was rather young, but I know from him and his family that his alcoholism is over a decade long, maybe 2. And roots that go back 30 years.
So I feel like my actions -- not doing any more of those involved long conversations with him and detaching with no contact -- are right. But when I'm alone with myself I can't get him off my mind. I think part is grieving the relationship I thought we had that I now really know down deep isn't there or possible. And part is grieving for him, this beautiful human being who can't get out of his own way and is slowly killing himself.
I reserved a copy of Women Who Love Too Much after reading about it here on SR and am picking it up today. I'm traveling but will go to Al Anon when I return home. And I'm going to keep reading and posting here. And I'm setting an appointment with my therapist. I know this is fresh Andy reaction likely just the way it goes. But ugh, there's so much sadness and loss, even while I also feel a sort of relief and freedom knowing I'm aiming towards self-care.
Anyway, just needing to post on this. And to thank you, all your support and knowing I'm not alone helps a lot.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by sadielady 
I think part is grieving the relationship I thought we had that I now really know down deep isn't there or possible. And part is grieving for him, this beautiful human being who can't get out of his own way and is slowly killing himself.
Big hugs today,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I agree with what Lexie said about it being ok to have the feelings. I read an article by a therapist that summarized it something like this: to get out of a tough situation initially there is pain (and it may be sharp and intense), but in order to have relief and move forward you must endure that sharp pain. Just know once the pain resides the relief and contentment will come.
I see it like we have two choices we can leave the band aid on the pain and live life in a suffocating way - just sort of going on with things as they are and never truly being happy...OR we can choose door 2, to walk through the pain in order to get to true happiness on the other side.
I see it like we have two choices we can leave the band aid on the pain and live life in a suffocating way - just sort of going on with things as they are and never truly being happy...OR we can choose door 2, to walk through the pain in order to get to true happiness on the other side.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Sadie,
Sometimes I feel like if I comment too much on one person's posts, I'm a stalker or something.. I truly understand how you feel though, so I can't help myself. Plus, like you said, posting really helps us get clearer about stuff, and hopefully helps others in the process.
When my ex and I first split up, I was practically obsessed. It was ALL I thought about. I was haunted and like you, had unsettling dreams about him.
I really think it's part of the process and nothing about the way you are feeling is unhealthy.
You are doing everything right. And you also seem to have a very healthy perspective about the situation in that you aren't expecting him to suddenly get sober and for you two to ride off into the sunset together. I don't think it would be healthy if you didn't mourn the loss of a relationship. The nature of codie/alkie relationships is obsessive, so perhaps that's why the mourning period can feel obsessive too.
Ride it out. It will get better and better. It has been six months for me. I do still think about him often, and sometimes still feel confused, sad, and angry--my feelings about him are still all over the map. But I have distance from those feelings now. They don't consume my life anymore. If I'm sitting around thinking about him, I can call a friend and easily distract myself. I almost feel like my obsessive thinking about him is like watching some bad TV show. It's easy now to pick up the remote and change the channel whereas before every channel was about him.
You are going to get there, probably in less time than I did because you are starting off from a much stronger place.
Sometimes I feel like if I comment too much on one person's posts, I'm a stalker or something.. I truly understand how you feel though, so I can't help myself. Plus, like you said, posting really helps us get clearer about stuff, and hopefully helps others in the process.
When my ex and I first split up, I was practically obsessed. It was ALL I thought about. I was haunted and like you, had unsettling dreams about him.
I really think it's part of the process and nothing about the way you are feeling is unhealthy.
You are doing everything right. And you also seem to have a very healthy perspective about the situation in that you aren't expecting him to suddenly get sober and for you two to ride off into the sunset together. I don't think it would be healthy if you didn't mourn the loss of a relationship. The nature of codie/alkie relationships is obsessive, so perhaps that's why the mourning period can feel obsessive too.
Ride it out. It will get better and better. It has been six months for me. I do still think about him often, and sometimes still feel confused, sad, and angry--my feelings about him are still all over the map. But I have distance from those feelings now. They don't consume my life anymore. If I'm sitting around thinking about him, I can call a friend and easily distract myself. I almost feel like my obsessive thinking about him is like watching some bad TV show. It's easy now to pick up the remote and change the channel whereas before every channel was about him.
You are going to get there, probably in less time than I did because you are starting off from a much stronger place.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
If I'm sitting around thinking about him, I can call a friend and easily distract myself. I almost feel like my obsessive thinking about him is like watching some bad TV show. It's easy now to pick up the remote and change the channel whereas before every channel was about him.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
to get out of a tough situation initially there is pain (and it may be sharp and intense), but in order to have relief and move forward you must endure that sharp pain. Just know once the pain resides the relief and contentment will come.
Like giving birth
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sadie, you are demonstrating that you have the ability to endure short-term pain for long-term gain. Actually, a sign of emotional maturity.
It is normal and human to grieve what you have lost, and, it will pass, in time.
grief is the first part of the healing process.
You are doing remarkably well, in my opinion.
dandylion
It is normal and human to grieve what you have lost, and, it will pass, in time.
grief is the first part of the healing process.
You are doing remarkably well, in my opinion.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Thank you everybody, so much. I only have a second and will come back in a bit, but you are all a shot in the arm! Dreams, no WAY are you stalking, I need this support and help so much and you are so wise and brave!!
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[
Thanx for posting and you ARE doing the right thing.
QUOTE=sadielady;4044134]Hi everyone. You've all been so helpful on here, both ont own posts and reading all of the others.
A week ago I set a no contact boundary for my alcoholic boyfriend who had relapsed out of rehab, hiding his driving and lying to meagnifocently, and getting mean and angry and among me when I said he needed to be serious in his recovery and straight with me.
So thanks to all of you, I feel more resolve than I would have on the no contact. He texted me last night, called and texted the night before, and I while I love him and miss the man I wish he could help himself be, I have not really even been tempted to respond.
BUT, each night in the middle of the night, my head is spinning. I wake up many times in the night almost in nightmares, sad and afraid for him. Knowing he's torturing himself and likely to continue. (Our relationship was rather young, but I know from him and his family that his alcoholism is over a decade long, maybe 2. And roots that go back 30 years.
So I feel like my actions -- not doing any more of those involved long conversations with him and detaching with no contact -- are right. But when I'm alone with myself I can't get him off my mind. I think part is grieving the relationship I thought we had that I now really know down deep isn't there or possible. And part is grieving for him, this beautiful human being who can't get out of his own way and is slowly killing himself.
I reserved a copy of Women Who Love Too Much after reading about it here on SR and am picking it up today. I'm traveling but will go to Al Anon when I return home. And I'm going to keep reading and posting here. And I'm setting an appointment with my therapist. I know this is fresh Andy reaction likely just the way it goes. But ugh, there's so much sadness and loss, even while I also feel a sort of relief and freedom knowing I'm aiming towards self-care.
Anyway, just needing to post on this. And to thank you, all your support and knowing I'm not alone helps a lot.[/QUOTE]
Thanx for posting and you ARE doing the right thing.
QUOTE=sadielady;4044134]Hi everyone. You've all been so helpful on here, both ont own posts and reading all of the others.
A week ago I set a no contact boundary for my alcoholic boyfriend who had relapsed out of rehab, hiding his driving and lying to meagnifocently, and getting mean and angry and among me when I said he needed to be serious in his recovery and straight with me.
So thanks to all of you, I feel more resolve than I would have on the no contact. He texted me last night, called and texted the night before, and I while I love him and miss the man I wish he could help himself be, I have not really even been tempted to respond.
BUT, each night in the middle of the night, my head is spinning. I wake up many times in the night almost in nightmares, sad and afraid for him. Knowing he's torturing himself and likely to continue. (Our relationship was rather young, but I know from him and his family that his alcoholism is over a decade long, maybe 2. And roots that go back 30 years.
So I feel like my actions -- not doing any more of those involved long conversations with him and detaching with no contact -- are right. But when I'm alone with myself I can't get him off my mind. I think part is grieving the relationship I thought we had that I now really know down deep isn't there or possible. And part is grieving for him, this beautiful human being who can't get out of his own way and is slowly killing himself.
I reserved a copy of Women Who Love Too Much after reading about it here on SR and am picking it up today. I'm traveling but will go to Al Anon when I return home. And I'm going to keep reading and posting here. And I'm setting an appointment with my therapist. I know this is fresh Andy reaction likely just the way it goes. But ugh, there's so much sadness and loss, even while I also feel a sort of relief and freedom knowing I'm aiming towards self-care.
Anyway, just needing to post on this. And to thank you, all your support and knowing I'm not alone helps a lot.[/QUOTE]
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: West Coast
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by sadielady
BUT, each night in the middle of the night, my head is spinning. I wake up many times in the night almost in nightmares, sad and afraid for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
Thank you everybody, last night I still woke up a bunch of times with those stressed out half-nightmares about him. But I tried to just ride it out after reading what all of you wrote. It makes perfect sense I just need to feel this.
Started reading Women Who Love too much, read about half so far. It's interesting, it hits the nail on the head pretty dead on how I was until a few years ago when I went into therapy and got divorced. And I can see how much work I still have to do, but I feel a lot healthier in how I'm responding to my alcoholic boyfriend (I can't bring myself to say ex yet although its feeling that way), than in previous relationships, drawing healthy boundaries and feeling solid following through. But I still fell head over heels for an alcoholic and did more enabling behavior than I'm proud of, more care taking really. My eyes are open though.
Hugs all.
Started reading Women Who Love too much, read about half so far. It's interesting, it hits the nail on the head pretty dead on how I was until a few years ago when I went into therapy and got divorced. And I can see how much work I still have to do, but I feel a lot healthier in how I'm responding to my alcoholic boyfriend (I can't bring myself to say ex yet although its feeling that way), than in previous relationships, drawing healthy boundaries and feeling solid following through. But I still fell head over heels for an alcoholic and did more enabling behavior than I'm proud of, more care taking really. My eyes are open though.
Hugs all.
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