child custody advice
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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child custody advice
Hello everyone.
I am looking for any advice on child custody. in short, have been separated from AH for over 2 years now. have 3 small kids together (oldest is 6). he never requested visitation rights and only sees the kids if we ran into him someplace. when we first separated, I had a lawyer contact him regarding seeing the kids, he cancelled the meeting w/ my lawyer.
last year, I got some more advice from the lawyers and basically if my AH files for joint custody (which he is set on) he is very likely to get it, unless I can prove that he is a really bad guy. I have no idea how to prove it. I know that he uses and deals cocaine and probably whatever else he can get his hands on. he is also very knowledgeable in the way courts work being that he is mental health professional (has been in the field for over 15 yrs). to make it worse, he is an exemplary employee of a mental health company that help troubled kids and youth.
I don't feel comfortable with joint custody, AT ALL. I plan on fighting him, but am limited financially.
I know that I should request a hair test, but am afraid that he can actually manage to go long enough without drugs to pass it.
at this point, i'm just very afraid for the well being of my kids. I don't want them around him or any people that he might leave them with. the two youngest ones don't even know him. I didn't trust him with kids even when we were together. just afraid. sorry for the rant.
and, all this is now brought on by the fact that he lost our home and has to move now. also he might have extra $ stocked away b/c he is working and has not paid the mortgage at all this year. sadly, i'm hoping that he's spent his $ on drugs, but can't guarantee it, since he was able to support his habit with dealing before we split. it's all so sad.
any and all advice is welcome. please, be kind - i'm very worried about my babies.
hugs and hope to everyone.
I am looking for any advice on child custody. in short, have been separated from AH for over 2 years now. have 3 small kids together (oldest is 6). he never requested visitation rights and only sees the kids if we ran into him someplace. when we first separated, I had a lawyer contact him regarding seeing the kids, he cancelled the meeting w/ my lawyer.
last year, I got some more advice from the lawyers and basically if my AH files for joint custody (which he is set on) he is very likely to get it, unless I can prove that he is a really bad guy. I have no idea how to prove it. I know that he uses and deals cocaine and probably whatever else he can get his hands on. he is also very knowledgeable in the way courts work being that he is mental health professional (has been in the field for over 15 yrs). to make it worse, he is an exemplary employee of a mental health company that help troubled kids and youth.
I don't feel comfortable with joint custody, AT ALL. I plan on fighting him, but am limited financially.
I know that I should request a hair test, but am afraid that he can actually manage to go long enough without drugs to pass it.
at this point, i'm just very afraid for the well being of my kids. I don't want them around him or any people that he might leave them with. the two youngest ones don't even know him. I didn't trust him with kids even when we were together. just afraid. sorry for the rant.
and, all this is now brought on by the fact that he lost our home and has to move now. also he might have extra $ stocked away b/c he is working and has not paid the mortgage at all this year. sadly, i'm hoping that he's spent his $ on drugs, but can't guarantee it, since he was able to support his habit with dealing before we split. it's all so sad.
any and all advice is welcome. please, be kind - i'm very worried about my babies.
hugs and hope to everyone.
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I would suspect that if you ask for a hair test, he will immediately shave his head. Many addicts do. However, it is hair from any area of the body including pubic hair.
Do you understand that a hair test, is just that, and depending on the length of the hair will check the whole hair. Since hair grows at an average of 3/4 to 1" a month, the drugs will be in the air from the root out. So unless he plans on going cold turkey for at least a month or longer, it will show his usage.
Ask your attorney what he feels he can present to the court to show his inability to have custody 1/2 of the time. You say these children are small, then how will he personally take care of them since he will be at work. Maybe your attorney can show that day care is not the same as actual caring of the children as you do.
I am just drawing a blank on anything else based on what you have said. Stress to your attorney how important it is that your children not spend time with a using addict, on how bad it is for their own mental health.
Love and hugs,
Do you understand that a hair test, is just that, and depending on the length of the hair will check the whole hair. Since hair grows at an average of 3/4 to 1" a month, the drugs will be in the air from the root out. So unless he plans on going cold turkey for at least a month or longer, it will show his usage.
Ask your attorney what he feels he can present to the court to show his inability to have custody 1/2 of the time. You say these children are small, then how will he personally take care of them since he will be at work. Maybe your attorney can show that day care is not the same as actual caring of the children as you do.
I am just drawing a blank on anything else based on what you have said. Stress to your attorney how important it is that your children not spend time with a using addict, on how bad it is for their own mental health.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Have you been documenting everything along the way?
Is he providing consistent and substantial child support?
Since he cancelled the meeting regarding visitation, could that be considered default?
Also, I hear Canada is real nice this time of year, eh?
Is he providing consistent and substantial child support?
Since he cancelled the meeting regarding visitation, could that be considered default?
Also, I hear Canada is real nice this time of year, eh?
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Some more thoughts in random order.
1) state that you and he are unable to discuss and agree on important decisions regarding the children
2) state that he makes poor decisions for the children
3) since he is a stranger to the children, ask that he must complete a parenting class
4) ask for a hair follicle test
5) ask for court supervised visitation that he pays for
6) ask for random ua’s
7) ask for ua’s prior to every visitation
8) document any failed rehab attempts
9) document any violence
10) document any neglect
11) document any abuse
12) document any disappearing acts
13) document any financial problems caused by his addiction
14) document any behavioral problems with the children when he was around vs when he is not.
15) you can go back and print out all of your posts from here to form a timeline
16) try to obtain old phone records and trace them back to the dealers or known criminals.
17) make a list of any friends, family, coworkers who could be subpoenaed (sp?) to testify on his drug use or abuse
18) stress that he is soon to be homeless
19) go thru old family pictures and see if there are any where he is obviously high
20) also if there are any pictures where there was damage to property or people because of his drug use
21) make a list of why you are the better parent: you provide a steady schedule, a child-friendly environment and good living conditions, personal stability and healthy social relationships, active involvement in the life of your child (parent-teacher interactions, participation in extracurricular activities, etc.)
22) stress that you are not angry with your husband and that this is not revenge, that you are extremely concerned about the well-being and safety of your children
23) go thru all old emails and texts and see if there is anything in writing where he admits to drug use or where he is abusive.
24) make a list of character witnesses on your behalf
1) state that you and he are unable to discuss and agree on important decisions regarding the children
2) state that he makes poor decisions for the children
3) since he is a stranger to the children, ask that he must complete a parenting class
4) ask for a hair follicle test
5) ask for court supervised visitation that he pays for
6) ask for random ua’s
7) ask for ua’s prior to every visitation
8) document any failed rehab attempts
9) document any violence
10) document any neglect
11) document any abuse
12) document any disappearing acts
13) document any financial problems caused by his addiction
14) document any behavioral problems with the children when he was around vs when he is not.
15) you can go back and print out all of your posts from here to form a timeline
16) try to obtain old phone records and trace them back to the dealers or known criminals.
17) make a list of any friends, family, coworkers who could be subpoenaed (sp?) to testify on his drug use or abuse
18) stress that he is soon to be homeless
19) go thru old family pictures and see if there are any where he is obviously high
20) also if there are any pictures where there was damage to property or people because of his drug use
21) make a list of why you are the better parent: you provide a steady schedule, a child-friendly environment and good living conditions, personal stability and healthy social relationships, active involvement in the life of your child (parent-teacher interactions, participation in extracurricular activities, etc.)
22) stress that you are not angry with your husband and that this is not revenge, that you are extremely concerned about the well-being and safety of your children
23) go thru all old emails and texts and see if there is anything in writing where he admits to drug use or where he is abusive.
24) make a list of character witnesses on your behalf
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thank you both for taking the time to respond. nothing has been set in motion yet, but I definitely need to be prepared. thank you for the list cynical. that is some great information. I have been trying to document as much as I could.
thank you again for the advice. hugs and hope.
thank you again for the advice. hugs and hope.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband (and I) fought for custody of his children, he had joint custody. His ex successfully passed every court ordered hair follicle drug test. I can't even fathom how.
IMO, you need to do your own investigating though. Check clerk of court public records, etc. Most lawyers do no do it. Your lawyer is only as good as you are.
Anyway, his ex successfully got a judge to order my husband pay a large portion of her legal bills because he made more money. A lot of lawyers do not tell their clients about this law (in many states) because it can be a hassle to get paid. But if he makes more money, discuss with your lawyer about him paying your legal fees or a portion.
IMO, you need to do your own investigating though. Check clerk of court public records, etc. Most lawyers do no do it. Your lawyer is only as good as you are.
Anyway, his ex successfully got a judge to order my husband pay a large portion of her legal bills because he made more money. A lot of lawyers do not tell their clients about this law (in many states) because it can be a hassle to get paid. But if he makes more money, discuss with your lawyer about him paying your legal fees or a portion.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
OH my, so sorry you have to go through this. When I went through my divorce the fear and anxiety was dreadful. You will get through this.
First, I would meet with other lawyers. The first lawyer I met could of cared less that I wanted full custody. She basically told me with a shrug that this wasn't going to happen. I found my next lawyer through a friend. She recommened this lawyer because she had seen some paperwork done and was impressed by how exact and detailed this woman was. So, there are different quality of lawyers.
Now, I agree that it will not look to good that he cancelled the visitation meeting? Hopefully you have EVERYTHING documented, or can go back and document as best you can. Do you have anyone who has seen him do drugs? dealers? anything. Has he been seeing his children on a regular basis?
You might want to try with full custody and supervised visits until he has a year of rehab.
Think, fight and do not give up.
One more thing, when my life exploded and I found out he was on drugs, I was shocked. BUT, I knew it would just get worse. If he is on drugs, it will get worse. I am saying this because I can't see him wanting the responsibility of 3 young little ones. That is a HUGE amount of work. If he does get joint and doesn't get clean, he will more than likely mess up. Also, make sure it says it somewhere that he is not allowed to leave them with anyone you have not met and/or approved.
You can ask for anything. You need a highly qualified lawyer.
I will be praying for you and those little ones. Try to take care of yourself and find some sort of out for anxiety and fear. For me it was yoga.
First, I would meet with other lawyers. The first lawyer I met could of cared less that I wanted full custody. She basically told me with a shrug that this wasn't going to happen. I found my next lawyer through a friend. She recommened this lawyer because she had seen some paperwork done and was impressed by how exact and detailed this woman was. So, there are different quality of lawyers.
Now, I agree that it will not look to good that he cancelled the visitation meeting? Hopefully you have EVERYTHING documented, or can go back and document as best you can. Do you have anyone who has seen him do drugs? dealers? anything. Has he been seeing his children on a regular basis?
You might want to try with full custody and supervised visits until he has a year of rehab.
Think, fight and do not give up.
One more thing, when my life exploded and I found out he was on drugs, I was shocked. BUT, I knew it would just get worse. If he is on drugs, it will get worse. I am saying this because I can't see him wanting the responsibility of 3 young little ones. That is a HUGE amount of work. If he does get joint and doesn't get clean, he will more than likely mess up. Also, make sure it says it somewhere that he is not allowed to leave them with anyone you have not met and/or approved.
You can ask for anything. You need a highly qualified lawyer.
I will be praying for you and those little ones. Try to take care of yourself and find some sort of out for anxiety and fear. For me it was yoga.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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LoveMeNow and Story74 - thank you guys for taking the time to respond. like I said earlier, nothing has been set in motion, but I just was anxious and wanted to be prepared if and when he does file for something. I did some more research online and am feeling somewhat better (a bit less anxious). my thinking is that if he is doing anything positive as far as his drug use, he would have already filed for at least visitation. the negative is if he decides to leave town and his current job, then he will be unemployed and then I would be making more $ than he is, not to mention that I can probably forget about any child support. not sure what he is going to do as of yet. anyways, thank you all for keeping me and my little ones in your prayers. hope everything works out for the best for you guys and your families. love you all. hugs and hope.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I had to let my now AXH take the kids. I documented everything and when he put them in danger called CPS. That was my saving grace. He showed up to a meeting drunk, could not pass the drug test and was paranoid. He finally signed the kids over to me so CPS would drop the case. There is more to it, but what everyone else has said is accurate.
Also, I am not getting child support because he is unemployed, but I do have an order for support and he is going into arrearages because of the potential he had to make money. He left a job with no valid reason and support is based on what he could of made until he actually starts working again.
I also 100% agree. He is threatening to scare you. If he wanted custody and visitation, he would of done it by now. Mine still threatens to take me back to court every time he gets angry. I laugh it off, now. He lives with his drunk mom with no extra bedroom.
Also, I am not getting child support because he is unemployed, but I do have an order for support and he is going into arrearages because of the potential he had to make money. He left a job with no valid reason and support is based on what he could of made until he actually starts working again.
I also 100% agree. He is threatening to scare you. If he wanted custody and visitation, he would of done it by now. Mine still threatens to take me back to court every time he gets angry. I laugh it off, now. He lives with his drunk mom with no extra bedroom.
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Wait...he hasn't seen his kids for over 2 years? He hasn't arranged to spend time with them at all? I'm not a lawyer or judge by any means, but doesn't that kind of look like he's not interested in a relationship with his children? Do they look at that kind of thing when deciding?
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brownhorse - thank you for your reply. every little bit of encouragement helps. glad you have your kids w/ you. hugs and hope to your family.
soberlicious - no, he only sees us (me with the kids) by accident, like if we run into each other at the grocery store or something. he has made no arrangements whatsoever. last year he showed up at my daughter's school to eat lunch w/ her twice (one of those times I was there also) and came to her last day of school. they had to call her to the office so he could give her a gift. she was in kindergarten. he said that he was going to her first day of school, but didn't show up b/c I told him that I would call the police. also, once I met him in the school parking lot as he was going to her lunch and told him to leave. legally the school cannot stop him from coming and he could have been eating lunches w/ her every day had he chosen to do so (he works in the afternoon), but he didn't. I am hoping that all that counts in my favor. and if it was me, yes I would move heaven and earth to be able to see my kids. unfortunately, for him, his addiction must be taking priority. thank you so much for responding. hugs and hope.
soberlicious - no, he only sees us (me with the kids) by accident, like if we run into each other at the grocery store or something. he has made no arrangements whatsoever. last year he showed up at my daughter's school to eat lunch w/ her twice (one of those times I was there also) and came to her last day of school. they had to call her to the office so he could give her a gift. she was in kindergarten. he said that he was going to her first day of school, but didn't show up b/c I told him that I would call the police. also, once I met him in the school parking lot as he was going to her lunch and told him to leave. legally the school cannot stop him from coming and he could have been eating lunches w/ her every day had he chosen to do so (he works in the afternoon), but he didn't. I am hoping that all that counts in my favor. and if it was me, yes I would move heaven and earth to be able to see my kids. unfortunately, for him, his addiction must be taking priority. thank you so much for responding. hugs and hope.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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It sounds very much in your favor. It also sounds like he says he wants joint, but doesn't really know what that means. Do you have anyone that has seen him do drugs that could testify?
Lawyers and court are super expensive and can fill one with stress and anxiety. Is there anyway you can just continue on with the way things are for a little while longer? Because right now it seems that he is putting in no effort, and your little babies are safe with you. BUT, that being said, I can also see that you just not only want it over, but want the legal aspect of it over so there is no concern.
For me, I went into the lawyer and told her the only thing I wanted was full custody. We had nothing else financially. I look back now and applaud myself for acting swiftly. Before his sober moment. He had a few that year. I acted quickly, and for some reason he defaulted on the divorce. I will never understand that one. Then, after a summer of me searching for him (I was heartbroken and crazily wanted him back) he came in to my life a week before the divorce hearing. He FINALLY called me and asked if we could maybe talk and work things out. But, my mind was made up and I stuck to my guns. He totally freaked out and showed up to the final hearing with no lawyer. He looked like a fool. The judge and my lawyer were perplexed by his behavior. And, when the judge heard me say that I didn't know how to contact him the whole room got silent. Like they all knew he was on drugs and how wrong he was. Thank god it happened the way it did. I had even called my lawyer to push the hearing up to ASAP because I did not want to give him time to get his stuff together. All in all I by no means was trying to keep my son away from him, but I knew in my gut (besides his girlfriend telling on him) that he was on drugs. I knew then that he would disappear. I learned from this to trust my gut. My son went through a rough year, but now is happy. We say a prayer each night for daddy to get better. But, my son is safe. Trust your gut and be aggressive. And, honestly it sounds like you are doing just that. Kudos on raising 3 kids all on your own. You must be a very very strong woman!
Think about a good plan. But it isn't good for you (healthwise) to be under constant anxiety over this issue. And if you aren't, sorry to imply. I just look back and see myself. I really was in survival mode. But, I am proud of how quickly and smartly I acted!
Sending positive vibes your way!
Lawyers and court are super expensive and can fill one with stress and anxiety. Is there anyway you can just continue on with the way things are for a little while longer? Because right now it seems that he is putting in no effort, and your little babies are safe with you. BUT, that being said, I can also see that you just not only want it over, but want the legal aspect of it over so there is no concern.
For me, I went into the lawyer and told her the only thing I wanted was full custody. We had nothing else financially. I look back now and applaud myself for acting swiftly. Before his sober moment. He had a few that year. I acted quickly, and for some reason he defaulted on the divorce. I will never understand that one. Then, after a summer of me searching for him (I was heartbroken and crazily wanted him back) he came in to my life a week before the divorce hearing. He FINALLY called me and asked if we could maybe talk and work things out. But, my mind was made up and I stuck to my guns. He totally freaked out and showed up to the final hearing with no lawyer. He looked like a fool. The judge and my lawyer were perplexed by his behavior. And, when the judge heard me say that I didn't know how to contact him the whole room got silent. Like they all knew he was on drugs and how wrong he was. Thank god it happened the way it did. I had even called my lawyer to push the hearing up to ASAP because I did not want to give him time to get his stuff together. All in all I by no means was trying to keep my son away from him, but I knew in my gut (besides his girlfriend telling on him) that he was on drugs. I knew then that he would disappear. I learned from this to trust my gut. My son went through a rough year, but now is happy. We say a prayer each night for daddy to get better. But, my son is safe. Trust your gut and be aggressive. And, honestly it sounds like you are doing just that. Kudos on raising 3 kids all on your own. You must be a very very strong woman!
Think about a good plan. But it isn't good for you (healthwise) to be under constant anxiety over this issue. And if you aren't, sorry to imply. I just look back and see myself. I really was in survival mode. But, I am proud of how quickly and smartly I acted!
Sending positive vibes your way!
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story74 - thank you so much for the encouragement. I have been following your threads as I found our situations similar. great job on handling your stuff for the sake of your little boy. it is truly their little faces that make us go forward and do what is right and give strength to go on.
as I mentioned earlier, nothing has been set in motion by him as of yet. or me. I am feeling better, still have my anxious moments, but like you said, he is not putting forth any effort.
since I started this thread, he has again requested a hearing for a reduction of child support b/c they cut his hours at work. must be convenient. he did this last year and got it reduced to about $130 a month (FOR 3 KIDS!!). I was in shock, but there was nothing that I could do. we survived and we will continue to thrive without his drama and whatever else.
I'm supposed to see a new lawyer next wk. still trying to find one that would understand how imperative it is to protect the kids from the dangers of drug use and everything that goes along with it.
thank you so much for taking the time to uplift me. you are a great mom, too. I still remember your posts when your little one was about to start school. so glad to see you both well and making progress. you give all of us with kids a bright spot and example to follow. thanks again. hugs and hope.
as I mentioned earlier, nothing has been set in motion by him as of yet. or me. I am feeling better, still have my anxious moments, but like you said, he is not putting forth any effort.
since I started this thread, he has again requested a hearing for a reduction of child support b/c they cut his hours at work. must be convenient. he did this last year and got it reduced to about $130 a month (FOR 3 KIDS!!). I was in shock, but there was nothing that I could do. we survived and we will continue to thrive without his drama and whatever else.
I'm supposed to see a new lawyer next wk. still trying to find one that would understand how imperative it is to protect the kids from the dangers of drug use and everything that goes along with it.
thank you so much for taking the time to uplift me. you are a great mom, too. I still remember your posts when your little one was about to start school. so glad to see you both well and making progress. you give all of us with kids a bright spot and example to follow. thanks again. hugs and hope.
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