Needingadvice1

Hi all,
I don't have any updates. I haven't spoken to my husband for 1.5weeks after our 2min conversation, & haven't seen him for nearly a month. Ever since his dad told me 3 days ago he is in a different town now where he only has 1 nephew I've been miserable. I can't stop thinking why is he there? Who is he with? Why would he go there? How can he just forget about us like we don't exist. 6yrs & 2 kids & nothing!! Ive got a number for the nephew but havent called yet. Not sure if to or not. my 4yr old keeps asking for her dad. We're flying to the city to have 2wks with my mum on wed. Really struggling...
Thks for listening

sleepy22

Sorry about what you're going through. Read through some of your earlier posts. Have you considered going to Al or Nar Anon meetings? You could reach out to a support group to help you.

I'd watch the mother of my child disappear for days at a time, completely out of her mind, then return suddenly accusing me of all sorts of actions. It's just what drug addicts do and I came to realize it had nothing to do with any of my "what if scenarios" because no matter what, I wouldn't get the truth anyways.

After struggling with her addiction and becoming codependent, I actually started enjoying the peace away from her. I just envisioned her in a safe place and myself in a better place.

I know it's hard. What helped me was focusing on myself. You have two wonderful children who need you. I hope you can focus on them if you have trouble focusing on yourself! Call some friends, go to a meeting, maybe play with the kids or even buy something on amazon.com. Distractions will help! Good luck!

Needingadvice1

Thks sleepy22. Your post really helped. Could I ask how things worked out with your wife? Do you think she ever realised/was sorry for the hurt she caused? Or did it not matter in the end? I'm not sure why it seems to matter so much to me.
I would love to go to meetings but we're pretty much in the middle of nowhere. They do have counscelling services tho so I'm going to give them a call tmor & hope they can squeeze me in. Otherwise I will see if I can go when in the city for a few weeks next week.
I actually spoke to him not long ago. I called. Stupid I know but I just wanted to have my say. Of course he's been doing nothing wrong, his uncle never picked him up, he hasn't gone anywhere but stayed at his nephews, he hasnt used for 2 weeks, he'll get help as soon as comes home (heard that promise twice before) blah blah blah same old story. He didn't apologise for his behaviour. He didn't sound sorry, just defensive. He threw in a few lies about wat I must be up to which made me laugh. Oh yes it's all party party here as a single mother with 2 kids!!! It sounds strange but I actually feel better from this conversation. I've said my bit (we have no future until recovery) & it's up to him now. At least he knows where I stand, officially. A letter wasn't enough closure for me.
My girls are beautiful thkyou & yes keep me very busy. Shopping, beach & park today did a world of good.

sleepy22

Glad it helped! I wish I had this forum in the beginning. Talking with her when I tried to leave only brought me back to the starting point, so I just endured the pain of forcing myself not to imagine what was going on.

It was tough. But eventually, the birth of my son just forced the issue and it was a no brainer the moment I looked into his beautiful eyes - he was the most important thing to me and I was going to make sure he would grow up healthy and have every opportunity in life!

BTW, she's not my wife. Just the mother of my child. She will always have that title and I welcome her into his life if she can prove to be a fit mother with his best interests at hand. I don't really blame her anymore (I went through a HUGE resentment period) because I'm powerless over it. But I do pray for her and her family so that they can recover from the illness.

Yes, I'm aware of the accusations. My qualifier (now ex-agf) used to accuse me of all sorts of ridiculous things: making sex tapes and distributing these to the unsavory characters she was hanging out with, texting her dealers asking them for prostitutes info, sending me "text messages" where I sent these so-called prostitutes photos of my privates (if she'd only bother to look and compare, she'd see the truth). All of these while she was inebriated and at drug houses. There were more cute little stories, but at this point, I can't even remember them. BTW, I'm with a 1 month old and have 0 time for anything. Previous to that, I do have this thing called a career which is at a very prominent tech company and am known within the community. But none of these 'valid statements' would appease her and she'd just use it as fodder for arguing. My addict liked to argue. It's good because they can manipulate you when you're emotionally distressed (read: pissed). Now, I just don't respond.

I guess I'm lucky I live in the city where there's a large NA/AA - anon presence. I know if you google "online al anon" you'll find a website but I've never tried it. It took me a while to warm up to the meetings, but after a while, I realized the message and ran with it. All you can do is work on yourself. It's helped me tremendously.

I'm happy things are looking up for you. I hope you realize most of this post is about what I'm doing - not her. I can't control her so I just try to heal myself so I can be there for my son. I'm no use to him if I'm not 100% mentally able or stuck being an enabler/codependent.

Keep us updated on things and keep reading the sticky threads - they have EXCELLENT material and helped me understand a lot! I'm a very rational person so what helped me the most was to understand why I was doing what I was doing. Google: Codependents Have a "Brain Thing" Going On, Too" and you'll find the article. Sorry, too new, not allowed to link

Good luck and enjoy the summer weather

gfwhoneverknew

My adbf has caused a world of hurt and KNOWS IT! If ur husband doesn't see it now, I can promise u almost w/o a doubt he WILL soon and will live w regret! My bf tells me now if he.had met me any sooner it couldn't have ever worked cuz he never wanted to bclean then!!!! That matters!! Xo

Needingadvice1

Thks sleepy. It's scary how crazy people can become on drugs & how it completely distorts everything. Ha yes there's not much time for a shower little own making a video with a 1 month old baby! Crazy. You sound like you're in a really good space & I hope to be there soon. I'm definitely going to start working on my own recovery. I'm off to the city tmor for a few weeks & plan a much needed trip to the bookshop. I'm home alone here with these girls and have too much time to over think. Time with my family & friends will hopefully help to get some perspective.

Thks gf. I really hope so. I've spoken to him the last 3 days. I called the first day then he called the last 2. The first 2 days we mostly argued. He's so defensive about everything & not apologetic at all. I told him yesterday I was going to the city for 2wks to clear my head & have a break. He was angry as he ssid he was trying to find a way home. i was like 'are you serious?!'. i dont know if he doesnt realise how bad things are or if he's playing dumb. he then asked for me to leave the car & house key for him. ha! no i said, there will be no us until youve seeked professional health & i can see big changes. he got angry & hung up. Today he called upset. Asking when we will be back & that he will get help. I don't think he's ready yet though. I don't think he's done with the drugs. It's almost like he's waiting for me to organise his rehab for me.

Although I hate to admit it I feel better talking to him. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. False hope is the worst kind. That's why I just have to work on myself, have a good break & start making plans. I have to start sorting out a job soon & move back to the city. We moved to this town together for my work (I'm still on baby leave tho). There's nothing here for me anymore. I need support from my family in the city.

Thx for listening x

sleepy22

needing: oh man, I used to do those things as well. Leave the keys to my car (so she could drive to the dealer's place), cook and prepare good food (so she had something to eat), clean up the house after she tore through it, and took her phone calls at all sorts of hours, offering to "save her" and pick her up no matter what. One of these adventures took me out 120 miles from home (no clue how she ended up there).

It seemed exciting. But in retrospect, that's straight up enabler behavior and codependency at its finest. She called me from a private number today (my work and home phone are the same, so I always answer), and I basically told her that I care about her, and I am here for her when she wants to clean up. I left it at that.

It was hard to get to this point, but all I have is compassion for her. I hope she gets better, but I accept there's nothing I can do.

Just stay strong for your little one. If you're on leave, I admit, you've done it before so you're an expert. It's my first time, so I have no energy left to commit to her.

I'm still sad and go to Al Anon and therapy so I can not be resentful towards her, but those times are becoming shorter and shorter.

Keep strong, keep reading, keep posting, and remember you're not alone! I'm in a decent space now, and look forward to being even better. You'll be there soon, just have faith!

allforcnm

Glad to hear your still going to visit with your family. It is good to be around people who make you feel good and help remind you of who you are at the core. Sometimes in the turmoil we lose sight of that. It is probably good for your husband to know that your not sitting there waiting for him too. I was the same way when my husband was using and we were separated. I had told him that when he was done to come home, but he knew I wasn’t sitting there pining for him. I did laugh a little though, because I admit I did research rehabs and all that, and when he finally decided to come home.. long story but in the end I had it all lined up, all he had to do was say yes. I didn’t care if he was “ready” or not. I figured the doctors could make him “ready”. I think getting them in the door of a rehab, or a private therapist is all that matters. Hopefully your husband will have some revelation and will take some action while you are away. That is what HE needs to do. Enjoy the time with your family and try not to worry about him. Recharge your batteries and have some fun with your girls.

Needingadvice1

Thks allforcnm, I'll try my best to have a great little holiday & not think about him (well at least not all the time! Lol). I def need to recharge my batteries, do some yoga, hit the beach & most importantly have some kid free time whilst they hang with their Nanna. Can't wait! I'm really going to work on finding a level head!

Needingadvice1

Sorry sleep22 i missed your post. thkyou. its very reasuring to see im bot alone in my behaviours/reactions. I think Ive got use to the drama - like the article you mentioned suggests. Scary, that's not right. I think it's almost harder once the drama is over as you then have to really face the issue rather than just reacting in the heat of the moment when tour adrenalin is pumping. This last week I've been so tired. It must be my body finally breathing rather than over-stressing. I hope my little ones haven't picked up on this vibe. That concerns me foremost.
Well lots to think about! Off to pack now!