Reflections
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 17
Reflections
Well, where should I begin? I guess at the very beginning of it all. Hello, once again, my name is Shanel. My life hasn’t been one tragedy after another; on the contrary it had its ups and downs like any other. I had to endure through my own personal trials and persevere, but even so…the one I cannot shake or truly comprehend fully is my mother’s abrupt descent. At a very young age I remembered my mother being a wonderful and intellectual woman; she was strong and confident in her abilities and always chastised me for being too timid or never projecting my voice loud enough. Through middle school, I did appreciate her efforts and loved her dearly, but felt that we were drifting apart. Since my biological father was not in the picture, she decided that she wanted to meet her other half (some possible candidate that would be a loving and accepting husband and great step-father to her only child.)She was always considerate and questioned whether I was comfortable with the notion of her dating again, and of course playing the role of a good daughter I said ‘yes.’ As time went by, she met someone and it smelt of trouble, or so my nana would say. Something about him did not sit well with her; she typically had one hell of a nose for a person’s character, but even so my loving mother ignored my nana’s warnings and continued to pursue this relationship with…let’s call him Eric for now. Initially, I thought all was well but learned the true nature of their relationship; it ranged from mental and emotional abuse to physical. So, let’s speed up the time frame to when I was in high school. She managed to break free from Eric and met another man. He was loving and caring, the man I thought she always wanted, and showered her with gifts and treated her as a queen. This man was a loving father and accepted me with open arms and always considered me as his daughter, despite there being no blood relations. It seemed all too perfect…and it was for a time.
During high school my mother’s personality began to shift for multiple reasons; she was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor of the pituitary gland (I could be incorrect) and was unable to continue her job as a dental assistant. She loved working, from my understanding, and always dutifully attended each day she was needed, but the recent changes would not permit her to stay with the career she loved so. My mother seemed unhinged and optimistic even, despite being in this pit. I was even on board with being her blood donor, if I were a match. Suddenly, there was this shift in character. She was always headstrong, but now she appeared more belligerent. She drank more, but never spoke about the issues that were tugging at her being. My mother was becoming a different person. I was aware of but a few complications both in her past and present. I knew she resented my father, even if it was a little, for not being more active in my life as I grew older. I also knew that she was sad about her miscarriage with my first step-father. I understood that she was as flawed as anyone else and had deep rooted problems that she might have swept under the rug. But, all of the secrets from her past and even her present began to surface and she became a completely different woman right before my eyes.
I still remember the first time she slapped me because I refused to change some part of my attire. I remember when she cursed at me and belittled me. I was practically convinced by both my step-father and grandmother to babysit her for one summer and my god that was the worse. At this point we stood on two opposing sides and I was still meek, still trying to find my voice. I didn’t know what to say or how to go about speaking to her about her growing addiction. Eventually, it hit me that it was way beyond my control. Though I was aware of her drinking problem I was not aware that she would fall victim of substance abuse during her relationship with Eric. All of her dirty secrets began pouring out before my eyes. One night, she confessed that I was not her first child, technically. When she was sixteen she became pregnant and her mother took her to have an abortion. No one spoke about this before so you could only imagine how much of a shocker this must have been. She then explained that her father was an alcoholic and how he would allow her to sip from his drinks, despite her being a child at the time. It was a wakeup call for me and I realized that my perfect mother wasn’t so perfect after all.
She spiraled out of control, cussed at me, snuck out to buy drinks, and associated with the wrong crowd. She has tried AA meetings, but it never stuck; she just wasn’t ready. She even took the time to go into rehab, but now I realize she selected that specific hospital because she was able to drop in and out whenever she wanted to. I remember the summer where she went out the door claiming to go out for ice cream and buffalo wings and I had to search around the block for her. Or when she embarrassed me at my aunt’s house and cussed in front of her little girls and I attempted to drag her home, but she challenged me and practically clawed up my arm. I left her at the train station, and though it wasn’t the brightest and right thing to do considering her state, I left. What was the last straw for me was when she sobered up and seemed fine and I took an interest in swords and bought one for myself. She was about a month or so sober and I was spending the week with her. All I really remember of that night was hearing my step-father and her arguing then checking on them to make sure everything was fine. I realized that she had MY katana raised above her head and ready to strike him down and without a second thought I grabbed the blade and clung for dear life. I acted faster than I could think and she attempted to wretched the weapon from my grasp, but I must have had an iron grip since it barely budged. She bellowed for me to let go and to stop and I told her ‘no!’ That night I went home with so much guilt in my heart and mind that I never would be able to put into words.
There was a point when I thought I didn’t love my mother anymore and I stopped caring. I became more of a pessimist. Part of me felt that if she were to go out and vanish I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. I would have this stranger near me anymore, this imposter claiming to be my mother. But, I knew that nothing would be gained from that. As I got older, I realized that she was only human and made mistakes. All of those listed above was only the tip of the iceberg that I endured during my time with her. Purposely, I kept myself at a distance because I didn’t want to fall into the same trap again. Even if I saw an inkling of the woman she was before not to dive in without further consideration. Presently, she moved to a different state with her current boyfriend and I am happy for her health and progress, but still hesitant to include her in any significant thing in my life now. She has let me down countless times in that time frame. The most recent hurtful thing she has done was when I needed her most for my medical problems, to be there for me this time; she took off to another state. It pisses me off to no end that she would do this, but it was somewhat expected. I’m not sure what I will get with her, what she will bring to the table, and if she truly has changed for the best. I feel that since she has not dealt with what drove her to turn to alcohol, among other things, that this addiction is like a parasite. It’s waiting for her lowest point and draining the very person she used to be. I know people change over time, I have changed, but I hope that the mother I once knew has not been extinguished yet. Those moments when she can peel away the mask and just be herself, they’re there…and something inside of me is telling me not to ignore the raw potential she possesses.
So, I guess I am posting this up to get suggestions. I’m currently in a serious relationship and eventually will decide whether to have children. I want to know if this woman will be reliable and do you guys feel that with time I will be able to inch her back into my life? Even if she is not the woman I once knew, do you feel that I could take a chance and let her in again and try a different approach? And, if she were to slip up, should I cut ties completely or temporarily? Frankly, I just want to see how others would deal with this situation after all that they have read and based on that information where would they go.
During high school my mother’s personality began to shift for multiple reasons; she was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor of the pituitary gland (I could be incorrect) and was unable to continue her job as a dental assistant. She loved working, from my understanding, and always dutifully attended each day she was needed, but the recent changes would not permit her to stay with the career she loved so. My mother seemed unhinged and optimistic even, despite being in this pit. I was even on board with being her blood donor, if I were a match. Suddenly, there was this shift in character. She was always headstrong, but now she appeared more belligerent. She drank more, but never spoke about the issues that were tugging at her being. My mother was becoming a different person. I was aware of but a few complications both in her past and present. I knew she resented my father, even if it was a little, for not being more active in my life as I grew older. I also knew that she was sad about her miscarriage with my first step-father. I understood that she was as flawed as anyone else and had deep rooted problems that she might have swept under the rug. But, all of the secrets from her past and even her present began to surface and she became a completely different woman right before my eyes.
I still remember the first time she slapped me because I refused to change some part of my attire. I remember when she cursed at me and belittled me. I was practically convinced by both my step-father and grandmother to babysit her for one summer and my god that was the worse. At this point we stood on two opposing sides and I was still meek, still trying to find my voice. I didn’t know what to say or how to go about speaking to her about her growing addiction. Eventually, it hit me that it was way beyond my control. Though I was aware of her drinking problem I was not aware that she would fall victim of substance abuse during her relationship with Eric. All of her dirty secrets began pouring out before my eyes. One night, she confessed that I was not her first child, technically. When she was sixteen she became pregnant and her mother took her to have an abortion. No one spoke about this before so you could only imagine how much of a shocker this must have been. She then explained that her father was an alcoholic and how he would allow her to sip from his drinks, despite her being a child at the time. It was a wakeup call for me and I realized that my perfect mother wasn’t so perfect after all.
She spiraled out of control, cussed at me, snuck out to buy drinks, and associated with the wrong crowd. She has tried AA meetings, but it never stuck; she just wasn’t ready. She even took the time to go into rehab, but now I realize she selected that specific hospital because she was able to drop in and out whenever she wanted to. I remember the summer where she went out the door claiming to go out for ice cream and buffalo wings and I had to search around the block for her. Or when she embarrassed me at my aunt’s house and cussed in front of her little girls and I attempted to drag her home, but she challenged me and practically clawed up my arm. I left her at the train station, and though it wasn’t the brightest and right thing to do considering her state, I left. What was the last straw for me was when she sobered up and seemed fine and I took an interest in swords and bought one for myself. She was about a month or so sober and I was spending the week with her. All I really remember of that night was hearing my step-father and her arguing then checking on them to make sure everything was fine. I realized that she had MY katana raised above her head and ready to strike him down and without a second thought I grabbed the blade and clung for dear life. I acted faster than I could think and she attempted to wretched the weapon from my grasp, but I must have had an iron grip since it barely budged. She bellowed for me to let go and to stop and I told her ‘no!’ That night I went home with so much guilt in my heart and mind that I never would be able to put into words.
There was a point when I thought I didn’t love my mother anymore and I stopped caring. I became more of a pessimist. Part of me felt that if she were to go out and vanish I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. I would have this stranger near me anymore, this imposter claiming to be my mother. But, I knew that nothing would be gained from that. As I got older, I realized that she was only human and made mistakes. All of those listed above was only the tip of the iceberg that I endured during my time with her. Purposely, I kept myself at a distance because I didn’t want to fall into the same trap again. Even if I saw an inkling of the woman she was before not to dive in without further consideration. Presently, she moved to a different state with her current boyfriend and I am happy for her health and progress, but still hesitant to include her in any significant thing in my life now. She has let me down countless times in that time frame. The most recent hurtful thing she has done was when I needed her most for my medical problems, to be there for me this time; she took off to another state. It pisses me off to no end that she would do this, but it was somewhat expected. I’m not sure what I will get with her, what she will bring to the table, and if she truly has changed for the best. I feel that since she has not dealt with what drove her to turn to alcohol, among other things, that this addiction is like a parasite. It’s waiting for her lowest point and draining the very person she used to be. I know people change over time, I have changed, but I hope that the mother I once knew has not been extinguished yet. Those moments when she can peel away the mask and just be herself, they’re there…and something inside of me is telling me not to ignore the raw potential she possesses.
So, I guess I am posting this up to get suggestions. I’m currently in a serious relationship and eventually will decide whether to have children. I want to know if this woman will be reliable and do you guys feel that with time I will be able to inch her back into my life? Even if she is not the woman I once knew, do you feel that I could take a chance and let her in again and try a different approach? And, if she were to slip up, should I cut ties completely or temporarily? Frankly, I just want to see how others would deal with this situation after all that they have read and based on that information where would they go.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, what an informative first post!
From what you have said, it does not sound as if your mother is in real recovery. It sounds as if she is trying to keep a lid on a pot that could boil over any time.
Since alcoholism is progressive, I can pretty well predict that unless she DOES seriously commit to recovery, she is likely to get worse, not better, over time. Whether you have to remain completely "no contact" with her or not is really up to you. Have you tried Al-Anon? It's a great program that can give you the tools to maintain a sense of peace in your own life regardless of what your mom does. It is possible, that with tools such as detachment and personal boundaries, you can maintain some contact with your mom without endangering yourself or your family. It all depends.
Nobody can tell you whether you "should" or "should not" allow her back into your life, or what limitations you might need to put on that. But I think with some recovery of your own, you will be in a better position to make those judgments.
From what you have said, it does not sound as if your mother is in real recovery. It sounds as if she is trying to keep a lid on a pot that could boil over any time.
Since alcoholism is progressive, I can pretty well predict that unless she DOES seriously commit to recovery, she is likely to get worse, not better, over time. Whether you have to remain completely "no contact" with her or not is really up to you. Have you tried Al-Anon? It's a great program that can give you the tools to maintain a sense of peace in your own life regardless of what your mom does. It is possible, that with tools such as detachment and personal boundaries, you can maintain some contact with your mom without endangering yourself or your family. It all depends.
Nobody can tell you whether you "should" or "should not" allow her back into your life, or what limitations you might need to put on that. But I think with some recovery of your own, you will be in a better position to make those judgments.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 17
Hello again Lexie,
Thank you very much for reading my post. You definitely do have a point and I totally agree. It has taken years for me to become the person I am today and I realize that I'm still not complete. Though, it's not solely based off of my mother, I just tend to be a fixer when it comes to myself and things. There's more progress to be had to become a better person for myself and accepting of the past events and accepting of what has happened recently. I want to have that clear conscious someday, but that'll take time.
I have popped into Al-Anon once or twice and only shared once, but other than that I do not visit often. But, thank you nonetheless for your reply I really do appreciate that you took the time and have given your take on the situation and possible ways and outlets to better myself.
On the subject of my mother, well she definitely isn't in recovery. She is placing a lid over the pot and simply won't own up to it. Overall, I believe that is an issue with many people within my immediate family. All the hush-hush and no actual solutions tends to take its toll. I would place that blame on whomever thought that was a great idea, but it wouldn't do much good. It's pretty much instilled in her and a few others of my family.
Thank you very much for reading my post. You definitely do have a point and I totally agree. It has taken years for me to become the person I am today and I realize that I'm still not complete. Though, it's not solely based off of my mother, I just tend to be a fixer when it comes to myself and things. There's more progress to be had to become a better person for myself and accepting of the past events and accepting of what has happened recently. I want to have that clear conscious someday, but that'll take time.
I have popped into Al-Anon once or twice and only shared once, but other than that I do not visit often. But, thank you nonetheless for your reply I really do appreciate that you took the time and have given your take on the situation and possible ways and outlets to better myself.
On the subject of my mother, well she definitely isn't in recovery. She is placing a lid over the pot and simply won't own up to it. Overall, I believe that is an issue with many people within my immediate family. All the hush-hush and no actual solutions tends to take its toll. I would place that blame on whomever thought that was a great idea, but it wouldn't do much good. It's pretty much instilled in her and a few others of my family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
SecondMilitia,
I am so sorry of the troubles you have had in your young life so far.
Shanel (beautiful name) is seems as if your mother suffers from addiction and some
neurological problems from a brain tumor? Please correct me if I am wrong about that.
It is very apparent you love your mother, but she has been incapable at times of
being the best mother and your Nana (I called my grandmother on mothers side Nana)
says she picked some bad mates.
Is she currently abusing any drugs or alcohol?
I can understand why you would be angry with her and then feel guilty about that.
I have felt the same things about my mother. I loved her so much, but she would not
stand up to my father (alcoholic) and make him stop terrorizing us.
So sorry that you would feel guilty for stopping your mother from badly injuring or
killing someone in her state of mind. Or, trying to help her and she rewards you with
a fight and scratching you.
This is a terrible quandary. You obviously love your mother and want her in
your life and be a part of important things, but you cannot trust her to be appropriate.
Well, her addiction is like a parasite that is sucking the life out of her, but she can
get rid of the parasite by not drinking or drugging. That is a choice she and only she must make.
Does she admit to having a problem? Tried any recovery at all?
For you and your life, I think you should try AlAnon, their groups will help you in
dealing with all aspects of loving someone with an addiction.
Also, learning about boundaries to have with your mother.
Boundaries are protection for you from your mothers addictive behaviors.
One could be "I will not spend time with anyone under the influence of alcohol."
Also, as far as future children, you could have the same boundary.
she could not spend time with them when she is under the influence
or acting inappropriately, and you are the final decision maker, because it is YOUR life.
Would you be open to counseling about addiction in your family?
How about if your mother would go to counseling with you?
Of course include the important man in your life.
I hope you are able to have some kind of relationship with your mother,
only because you seem to want it so much.
But, it also seems you do not want any more hurt and definitely do not want to
put any hurt on future children.
But for now, I would suggest AlAnon and reading some recovery books, starting with
Codependent No More. by Melody Beattie.
I also think individual or family counseling with your SO with someone who specializes
in addiction would be a great help.
Hopefully you can grab some help from all these words,
I feel for you Shanel,
Beth
I am so sorry of the troubles you have had in your young life so far.
Shanel (beautiful name) is seems as if your mother suffers from addiction and some
neurological problems from a brain tumor? Please correct me if I am wrong about that.
It is very apparent you love your mother, but she has been incapable at times of
being the best mother and your Nana (I called my grandmother on mothers side Nana)
says she picked some bad mates.
Is she currently abusing any drugs or alcohol?
I can understand why you would be angry with her and then feel guilty about that.
I have felt the same things about my mother. I loved her so much, but she would not
stand up to my father (alcoholic) and make him stop terrorizing us.
That night I went home with so much guilt in my heart and mind that I never would be able to put into words.
killing someone in her state of mind. Or, trying to help her and she rewards you with
a fight and scratching you.
I’m not sure what I will get with her, what she will bring to the table, and if she truly has changed for the best. I feel that since she has not dealt with what drove her to turn to alcohol, among other things, that this addiction is like a parasite.
your life and be a part of important things, but you cannot trust her to be appropriate.
Well, her addiction is like a parasite that is sucking the life out of her, but she can
get rid of the parasite by not drinking or drugging. That is a choice she and only she must make.
Does she admit to having a problem? Tried any recovery at all?
For you and your life, I think you should try AlAnon, their groups will help you in
dealing with all aspects of loving someone with an addiction.
Also, learning about boundaries to have with your mother.
Boundaries are protection for you from your mothers addictive behaviors.
One could be "I will not spend time with anyone under the influence of alcohol."
Also, as far as future children, you could have the same boundary.
she could not spend time with them when she is under the influence
or acting inappropriately, and you are the final decision maker, because it is YOUR life.
Would you be open to counseling about addiction in your family?
How about if your mother would go to counseling with you?
Of course include the important man in your life.
I hope you are able to have some kind of relationship with your mother,
only because you seem to want it so much.
But, it also seems you do not want any more hurt and definitely do not want to
put any hurt on future children.
But for now, I would suggest AlAnon and reading some recovery books, starting with
Codependent No More. by Melody Beattie.
I also think individual or family counseling with your SO with someone who specializes
in addiction would be a great help.
Hopefully you can grab some help from all these words,
I feel for you Shanel,
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's pretty much instilled in her and a few others of my family.
you now recognize the problem.
Keeping secrets and addictions in the pressure cooker.
All my words really are saying, let it out with someone,
and keep your mother at arm's length until she can do better.
Around you, your SO or any children you could have.
Awareness, Acceptance, then Action.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 17
Hello Beth,
Thank you by the way for complimenting my name.
And thank you very much for your reply and I appreciate you reading my post. You are correct that her personality shift is related to both her addiction and the tumor. Definitely am with you about seeing a counselor. My mother has attended AA meetings, not sure the amount of times. I went with her a couple of times to see how they're usually ran. I was curious and she seemed like she was progressing to becoming a better person, but I guess we all know how that went. Essentially, when I thought of the counseling I tried to be as creative as possible and lenient even so that she would go along with it, but I am aware that she has free will and may feel that counseling is intrusive and unnecessary and that she is becoming a better person through her own individual efforts with her current boyfriend. I cannot really judge whether it's working or not, a couple of months before she left New York she was cursing out her boyfriend and stole money from him, and I spent the night attempting to calm him down since he was crying his eyes out about the betrayal, but so far she seems fine. I'm not physically there to check on what she might have access to, so I cannot say whether she's sober or is staying clear of any other substances.
Thank you by the way for complimenting my name.
And thank you very much for your reply and I appreciate you reading my post. You are correct that her personality shift is related to both her addiction and the tumor. Definitely am with you about seeing a counselor. My mother has attended AA meetings, not sure the amount of times. I went with her a couple of times to see how they're usually ran. I was curious and she seemed like she was progressing to becoming a better person, but I guess we all know how that went. Essentially, when I thought of the counseling I tried to be as creative as possible and lenient even so that she would go along with it, but I am aware that she has free will and may feel that counseling is intrusive and unnecessary and that she is becoming a better person through her own individual efforts with her current boyfriend. I cannot really judge whether it's working or not, a couple of months before she left New York she was cursing out her boyfriend and stole money from him, and I spent the night attempting to calm him down since he was crying his eyes out about the betrayal, but so far she seems fine. I'm not physically there to check on what she might have access to, so I cannot say whether she's sober or is staying clear of any other substances.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by wicked 
SecondMilitia,
. . .
I loved her so much, but she would not
stand up to my father (alcoholic) and make him stop terrorizing us.
. . .
Beth
. . .
I loved her so much, but she would not
stand up to my father (alcoholic) and make him stop terrorizing us.
. . .
Beth
If it is to be, it is up to me.
[By God's hand and guidance.]
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by SecondMilitia
So, I guess I am posting this up to get suggestions. I’m currently in a serious relationship and eventually will decide whether to have children. I want to know if this woman will be reliable and do you guys feel that with time I will be able to inch her back into my life? Even if she is not the woman I once knew, do you feel that I could take a chance and let her in again and try a different approach? And, if she were to slip up, should I cut ties completely or temporarily? Frankly, I just want to see how others would deal with this situation after all that they have read and based on that information where would they go.
In our case, Mrs. Hammer's stuff, like your mother is not just alcoholism, addiction, etc., but most likely some real brain/amygdala "wetware" issues.
Here is what I have come to understand -- The mental illness and addiction issues makes "them" extremely selfish. There just is not enough to go around, and deal with their problems.
You will have to decide if you want that in your life. And the behaviors that come with that.
And you have to be prepared if there are flips or switches in the persona(s).
We are on a roadtrip vacation [Mrs. Hammer refused to come along] and for dark humor fun my daughter made a set of Mrs. Hammer's persona(s) Flashcards. Dark Humor is how she gets through this stuff along with Alateen and some very helpful teachers and strangely enough a wonderful school librarian who noticed what she had been studying, and helped her "research" Mrs. Hammer's illness.
At any rate, daughter does a lot of drawing/art. So on the Flashcards she drew various personas. And for some fork-in-my-side fun, daughter says to me, "Let's review, this one (holding one up) is so-and-so, she does this and that -- she is your wife." Then the next, "This one, screaming I HATE YOU! -- she hates you. That should be obvious. She is also your wife." And another Flashcard as bulimic, and on and on.
This is how our daughter is coping with the crazy.
Here is a shorter version of the question I think you may be asking . . . .
Do you need crazy in your life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Hammer
Do you need crazy in your life?
So, part of me is not sure if I would classify her as crazy, per se, now that I have taken a couple courses or two in psychology and some aspects of her past has been relayed to me. My personal theory would be that she possibly spent the majority of her life attempting to be good and right. At the age of twenty she had me and juggled work and raising me, with the help of my grandmother. She met her own demons and possibly the things of her past and present she could not overcome; finally, this woman had ran her course. I could only understand that to a certain extent, since I have not endured what she has.
Frankly, if she were to maintain her sense of self and control and were to take responsibility for her actions, I might give it another go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Brandywine, MD
Posts: 1
There is a lot I didn't fully understand about the relationship between your mother and yourself. I still sit here thinking she should get another chance, I feel as if we all deserve one if willing to try to fix ourselves. I know we joke about her a lot, but I honestly don't think she is a bad person. I am of the opinion she is a bit confused and perhaps mislead. None the less, she is your mother and I am sure she would want to be apart of our lives and the lives of our children when we have them. I still leave the decision to you. She is your mother and they will be our children, I have no ill-will towards her thus I wouldn't mind. You have the final say in this and I support whatever decision you make.
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