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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Edmonton
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Hi everybody,
I am not an alcoholic. But I do like to drink wine. My boyfriend of 6 months has been an alcoholic for 9 years. He is 32. He drinks so he can sleep at night, sometimes he will drink an entire 26 before he goes to sleep. We've been fighting alot lately because I really want him to stop. He says if he doesn't drink before bed, that it is really scary. I don't know what that means, but he says he gets sleep paralysis if he goes to bed sober and claims that he drinks because he can't succeed in finding the meaning of life. His family is really religious and they don't allow alcohol in the home. He says this all began when he tried to live a life without god as his primary focus. Religion aside-and I know there are millions of people that understand what I mean when I say this, he is an AMAZING person when he isn't drinking. Amazing. But when he drinks, he changes, my anxiety increases my panic attacks also increase and I feel helpless. I know he loves me, he is a very very giving person, but when he is drunk he becomes manipulative and mean and twists everything to his benefit as if I'm the one that is abusing him. During the sober hours he is always happy, putting on a show that there is nothing wrong but you can see that even the whites of his eyes are yellowing from liver damage. Yesterday night he drank an entire 26 of vodka to deal with the death of his uncle. This morning he told me I did a terrible terrible job of supporting him. I won't support anything that involves his alcoholism wether there has been a death in the family or not. He blames me, calls me crazy when I get my anxiety attacks and rolls his eyes when I can't stop crying. I want to leave him but I know how wonderful things would be if he just quit drinking. He can be very emotionally and verbally abusive and then the next day pretends like nothing happened or worse, blames me. I've started recording our conversations on my phone to replay them for him so he can hear what he sounds like when he is sober but even then he finds a way to manipate the conversation. I know I can be difficult when I'm having anxiety, but he really makes me feel like I am and evil person with the things he's says. I don't know what to do. He wants to quit but he says he doesn't know when or how it's going to happen. I'm feeling hopeless.
I am not an alcoholic. But I do like to drink wine. My boyfriend of 6 months has been an alcoholic for 9 years. He is 32. He drinks so he can sleep at night, sometimes he will drink an entire 26 before he goes to sleep. We've been fighting alot lately because I really want him to stop. He says if he doesn't drink before bed, that it is really scary. I don't know what that means, but he says he gets sleep paralysis if he goes to bed sober and claims that he drinks because he can't succeed in finding the meaning of life. His family is really religious and they don't allow alcohol in the home. He says this all began when he tried to live a life without god as his primary focus. Religion aside-and I know there are millions of people that understand what I mean when I say this, he is an AMAZING person when he isn't drinking. Amazing. But when he drinks, he changes, my anxiety increases my panic attacks also increase and I feel helpless. I know he loves me, he is a very very giving person, but when he is drunk he becomes manipulative and mean and twists everything to his benefit as if I'm the one that is abusing him. During the sober hours he is always happy, putting on a show that there is nothing wrong but you can see that even the whites of his eyes are yellowing from liver damage. Yesterday night he drank an entire 26 of vodka to deal with the death of his uncle. This morning he told me I did a terrible terrible job of supporting him. I won't support anything that involves his alcoholism wether there has been a death in the family or not. He blames me, calls me crazy when I get my anxiety attacks and rolls his eyes when I can't stop crying. I want to leave him but I know how wonderful things would be if he just quit drinking. He can be very emotionally and verbally abusive and then the next day pretends like nothing happened or worse, blames me. I've started recording our conversations on my phone to replay them for him so he can hear what he sounds like when he is sober but even then he finds a way to manipate the conversation. I know I can be difficult when I'm having anxiety, but he really makes me feel like I am and evil person with the things he's says. I don't know what to do. He wants to quit but he says he doesn't know when or how it's going to happen. I'm feeling hopeless.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome beepboop. I'm glad you came here for some advice and support. I hope it'll help relieve your anxiety a bit to be able to discuss your situation.
I've been on both sides of this thing. I tried supporting an alcoholic husband many years ago - and found out I did all the wrong things. I wish I'd known about Al-Anon back then. It might help you made some decisions about your alcoholic and your own life. There's little we can do until they want to make the change.
I hope you'll check out our 'Friends & Family' Forum too. There are many people dealing with the same thing you are. I'm so glad you posted and introduced yourself. You are not alone.
I've been on both sides of this thing. I tried supporting an alcoholic husband many years ago - and found out I did all the wrong things. I wish I'd known about Al-Anon back then. It might help you made some decisions about your alcoholic and your own life. There's little we can do until they want to make the change.
I hope you'll check out our 'Friends & Family' Forum too. There are many people dealing with the same thing you are. I'm so glad you posted and introduced yourself. You are not alone.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
He blames me, calls me crazy when I get my anxiety attacks and rolls his eyes when I can't stop crying. I want to leave him but I know how wonderful things would be if he just quit drinking.
His quitting drinking is the ideal but from your description of the relationship, it's anything but ideal.
I wouldn't wait for him to want to get sober. You may be waiting a long time. If it were me I'd move on with my life and hope he decides to get sober for himself.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by beepboop7 
Hi everybody,
I am not an alcoholic. But I do like to drink wine. My boyfriend of 6 months has been an alcoholic for 9 years. He is 32. He drinks so he can sleep at night, sometimes he will drink an entire 26 before he goes to sleep. We've been fighting alot lately because I really want him to stop. He says if he doesn't drink before bed, that it is really scary. I don't know what that means, but he says he gets sleep paralysis if he goes to bed sober and claims that he drinks because he can't succeed in finding the meaning of life. His family is really religious and they don't allow alcohol in the home. He says this all began when he tried to live a life without god as his primary focus. Religion aside-and I know there are millions of people that understand what I mean when I say this, he is an AMAZING person when he isn't drinking. Amazing. But when he drinks, he changes, my anxiety increases my panic attacks also increase and I feel helpless. I know he loves me, he is a very very giving person, but when he is drunk he becomes manipulative and mean and twists everything to his benefit as if I'm the one that is abusing him. During the sober hours he is always happy, putting on a show that there is nothing wrong but you can see that even the whites of his eyes are yellowing from liver damage. Yesterday night he drank an entire 26 of vodka to deal with the death of his uncle. This morning he told me I did a terrible terrible job of supporting him. I won't support anything that involves his alcoholism wether there has been a death in the family or not. He blames me, calls me crazy when I get my anxiety attacks and rolls his eyes when I can't stop crying. I want to leave him but I know how wonderful things would be if he just quit drinking. He can be very emotionally and verbally abusive and then the next day pretends like nothing happened or worse, blames me. I've started recording our conversations on my phone to replay them for him so he can hear what he sounds like when he is sober but even then he finds a way to manipate the conversation. I know I can be difficult when I'm having anxiety, but he really makes me feel like I am and evil person with the things he's says. I don't know what to do. He wants to quit but he says he doesn't know when or how it's going to happen. I'm feeling hopeless.
I am not an alcoholic. But I do like to drink wine. My boyfriend of 6 months has been an alcoholic for 9 years. He is 32. He drinks so he can sleep at night, sometimes he will drink an entire 26 before he goes to sleep. We've been fighting alot lately because I really want him to stop. He says if he doesn't drink before bed, that it is really scary. I don't know what that means, but he says he gets sleep paralysis if he goes to bed sober and claims that he drinks because he can't succeed in finding the meaning of life. His family is really religious and they don't allow alcohol in the home. He says this all began when he tried to live a life without god as his primary focus. Religion aside-and I know there are millions of people that understand what I mean when I say this, he is an AMAZING person when he isn't drinking. Amazing. But when he drinks, he changes, my anxiety increases my panic attacks also increase and I feel helpless. I know he loves me, he is a very very giving person, but when he is drunk he becomes manipulative and mean and twists everything to his benefit as if I'm the one that is abusing him. During the sober hours he is always happy, putting on a show that there is nothing wrong but you can see that even the whites of his eyes are yellowing from liver damage. Yesterday night he drank an entire 26 of vodka to deal with the death of his uncle. This morning he told me I did a terrible terrible job of supporting him. I won't support anything that involves his alcoholism wether there has been a death in the family or not. He blames me, calls me crazy when I get my anxiety attacks and rolls his eyes when I can't stop crying. I want to leave him but I know how wonderful things would be if he just quit drinking. He can be very emotionally and verbally abusive and then the next day pretends like nothing happened or worse, blames me. I've started recording our conversations on my phone to replay them for him so he can hear what he sounds like when he is sober but even then he finds a way to manipate the conversation. I know I can be difficult when I'm having anxiety, but he really makes me feel like I am and evil person with the things he's says. I don't know what to do. He wants to quit but he says he doesn't know when or how it's going to happen. I'm feeling hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!! Like Hevyn, I've been on both sides of the addiction fence. SR has been a HUGE part of my recoveries (addiction and codependency) and the Friends & Family forums have helped a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Haddam, Connecticut
Posts: 11
Hi. Welcome. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me when I drink. The "meaning of life" thing and the way he's generally happy when sober but flips a switch when he drinks sounds like classic depression to me. Alcohol is a poison, but it's medicinal as well. Self-medication with alcohol is the story of my life, and I'm sure many other recovering alcoholics. But like people have said, he has to want to recognize it and change. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Encourage them, but ultimately do what's right for you. If he gets abusive, it doesn't matter how amazing he is sober. IMO. Fortunately for me, my wife has stuck through me through many years where I'd get drunk and verbally abusive... she stuck with me until I decided (keyword there being "I") to get help. I sincerely want help and I'm done with excuses and the hundreds of times I lied to her and said I'd try to "slow down." If you talk to your boyfriend and explain how hurtful he is when he drinks, he will take real steps to stop if he loves you.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
he's doing what alcoholics do lying and manipulating. if he quits drinking you have a chance at a good relationship if he does not quit drinking it'll just be more of the same. alanon is a great resource for people like you go to one of their meetings
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR beepboop 
Sleep paralysis can be really scary but there is a good chance that the reason your boyfriend feels so awful when he doesn't drink is because of alcohol withdrawal. It takes time to recover and it doesn't sound like he's ever tried that. Has he ever asked his doctor about the sleep paralysis? Or did he just go straight to drinking as a way to avoid it? The thing is that us drinkers will use every excuse in the book for drinking but there is usually a better way to deal with whatever is bothering us than pouring drink on it x
Sleep paralysis can be really scary but there is a good chance that the reason your boyfriend feels so awful when he doesn't drink is because of alcohol withdrawal. It takes time to recover and it doesn't sound like he's ever tried that. Has he ever asked his doctor about the sleep paralysis? Or did he just go straight to drinking as a way to avoid it? The thing is that us drinkers will use every excuse in the book for drinking but there is usually a better way to deal with whatever is bothering us than pouring drink on it x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. There is very good advice above, much of which is hard to handle, that's understandable. In situations like this the drinker and no one else has to step forward sincerely and stop drinking themselves or it's going to be the same old same old. Action not promises are the goal or guaranteed the situation will get far worse. I speak from experience unfortunately. In AA it's said we can't get anyone drunk or sober but AA sure works to help us stay sober if we're honest with ourselves. BE WELL
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