Yogagurl

This is just an attempt to vent. This is not any need for an answer. The answers, I have determined, are with a Higher Power who seems does not answer my need to move forward with my life. I am trapped here, in a life that revolves around a swinging door to a pawn shop and a home that is breaking down before me. I don't enjoy much; I'm not given the opportunities that a lot of young women my age are given. I can't compare my life to the lives of others, and that's not really what I'm trying to do. I'm comparing my life to my own standards. These are standards that have not been met for a very long time.

I picked up tools on behalf of my crack addict husband for approximately the 6th or 7th time this morning. Each time he pawns everything he owns, it's about 400$ to get the possessions back. I struggle to make ends meet with my own bills and I'm never helped. I have been wearing the same clothes for years. I don't have a chest of drawers for my socks, underwear, and lingerie; we use the laundry baskets to keep those items. They just never get put away. I live more poorly now than I did when I was in college. I have a career in the clinical research industry and a degree in chemistry. All the mean while, I live in a home that is falling apart, the majority of the screens are broken in the windows, there is no dishwasher, no storage, nothing. But I apply for job after job after job, and I interview, interview, interview - nothing. If I am to move up in the world and create a comfortable life for myself, I have to do it on my own. And I pray. And I try to manifest. Vision boards, affirmations, tears, begging. Nothing. I'm so broken right now. My spirit is broken. My emotions are neglected. I'm chastised if I speak my mind. I'm not allowed to get angry, I just have to take it. The pressure, the wear on the soul, the neglect. No one is here to listen. None of my friends will take me in because of my pets. No one wants to be burdened with the wife of a crack head. I just keep saying, "Dear God, how did I get here????????"

I don't get an answer.

AnvilheadII

really sorry you are struggling. so 6th or 7th trip at $400 each, that is money that could be SO better used....to HELP you. perhaps the question isn't so much how did I get here but how do I get the hell out?

you may have to make some radical choices to save yourself. I understand about the pets...however you enduring more suffering and in a steadily declining living situation doesn't help them or you.

I suggest you reach out to DV resources, women's shelters, so you don't 'have to do this alone. now IS the time.

wicked

You turn things over to your HP that you cannot control, like your husbands crack addiction.
You do control whether you move forward or not.

You can reach out as anvilhead suggested for help from domestic violence shelter.

How about turning it to "Dear God, how do I get out?"
and then start brain storming.
You have a degree, you have a brain.
You sound very depressed.
Please, yogagurl, see a doctor.

Never give up.

Beth

Kindeyes

I went through a very long period where I thought my Higher Power wasn't listening and did not answer my prayers.

Step 3 states "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

It took me a long time to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I really wanted God to simply deliver what I asked for.......in other words.....I had it all backwards. I was waiting for God to turn his will over to ME! Needless to say, that didn't work so well.

It takes a lot of courage to change. I had to change my actions, reactions, and thought processes. It was (and continues to be) an extremely difficult challenge. And I always considered myself so open minded (unfortunately.....self righteously so). When in truth, I was judgemental and controlling.

I'm not suggesting that any of this applies to you or your situation. I am merely sharing a part of my own story. If there is nothing you can use, please feel free to discard it. But if you see any of yourself in my experience, take heart in knowing that there is hope. We can change, and often, the changes we make in ourselves is what takes us onto new paths.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

I second everything said above.

Now as to your pets. Start googling for 'foster' care in your area. Don't know what kind you have, but if it is canines, google the breed or 'no kill' shelters as they may have folks you can contact about fostering your pets for a month or two. Then take the money that you keep using to get items out of pawn, for a deposit on a place to rent that allows pets.

KE is so correct! Ask your HP for guidance in getting out. HP will help we just sometimes miss the clues. Your posting this here is a positive step.

You have now been given ways to find a place, get some counseling, and legal advice, and help in finding a place to live. (all from your local DV shelter) You also can now search for some 'foster folks' to help out a month or two with your pets.

Keep posting as although it may not feel like it, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Yogagurl

I wouldn't wish the struggles that I face, or that any of you have faced, on the devil himself. Thank you all for your words and your advice. It seems I'm just going to have to suck it up and get a second job waiting tables. I would rather have waited for the right move to happen in my career since I worked so hard in college NOT to have to work two jobs anymore, but, it seems I have no choice at this point.

Thank you a million times over.