desperate and confused - alcoholic girlfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
desperate and confused - alcoholic girlfriend
Hello. This is my first post and I'm sorry if it's long. I attended my first Al Anon meeting recently as well. After crying as I spoke, I was told to keep coming back.
My girlfriend is the love of my life and I had every intention of proposing to her in the future until recently. I am confused and heartbroken now as I accept the reality that she is destroying herself. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to stop enabling her and how to support her, since I know I can't force her to stop. I feel like I'm grasping at straws here but I don't want to lose her. I am not here to give an unprofessional diagnosis and say I "think" she "might" be an alcoholic. She does have this disease without a doubt. The only time she admits it is when she's drinking. The two times I've mentioned it in sober moments, she told me I heard her wrong. She got extremely drunk one night and told me she went to AA a few years ago, but drank before each meeting, and that it wasn't helping her so she quit. She said she quit going because she works as a professional in the substance abuse field and she believed everyone was talking about her at the meetings because of this 'irony'. She has had 1 DUI in her life about 5 years ago. She does not remember telling me any of this. She has said she even used to snort alcohol.
The confusing part has been that my girlfriend is always sweet and caring, sober or not. She is not belligerent and never abusive to me. She is loyal and faithful and sings my praises, drunk or not. She does, however, become unintelligible and emotionally labile. She talks about things in her past best left unsaid - terrible, dark moments. Her cognition changes and sends us into conversations that are not rational. Her compulsion to drink is so powerful that she claims she doesn't 'feel it', and needs more and more to the point of blacking out. She begins slurring her words after only 1 drink, and she remembers only a fraction of the night. She claims that alcohol is her 'demon' and that it is her only way of dealing with her painful emotions. The worst it gets is when she cries about things that happened in the past and is inconsolable. The next day she denies these things ever happened.
Currently, she lives with her parents and has been for four years. Originally she told me it was to save money. I'm starting to think it was because of drinking. She is moving into her own apartment in 2 weeks and I'm terrified what that freedom will do to her, and us. For the first time ever, I recently found her hiding alcohol from me in her bathroom while we were hanging out. She kept going to her bathroom to 'put on makeup' to get ready for our dinner date, but finally admitted that she 'had a beer'. Foolishly, I let her drive us to dinner. On the way back, she fell asleep at the wheel for a few seconds and I snapped her out of it. She claimed she was just concentrating on the road. The next morning I told her never to put me in danger like that again. Her response was "I need to get better."
Basically, I have learned that when she's not working she is always drinking. Her modality appears not to be bingeing but rather nursing drinks throughout the night until she passes out. She lives with her parents right now but because she's in her 30's, it's not like they check up on her or are even aware. She simply does her own thing in her room and drinks.
After going to Al Anon once, I admit I'm confused. Should I never ask her how much she's had to drink? I would have liked to know the truth in many cases. Should I drive her everywhere by default, or is that enabling? Should I instead refuse to go somewhere with her if I know she's been drinking? Like lots of people, I have always enjoyed a few drinks with friends and did some binge drinking in college. When I started seeing my gf, I feel terrible to admit that I took her out for a few glasses of wine and we did drink on dates, but it got to the point where it was like I was watching a forest fire rage. And now I have pulled away and don't drink anything around her. I'm sorry. I'm just so mixed up by this.
My girlfriend is the love of my life and I had every intention of proposing to her in the future until recently. I am confused and heartbroken now as I accept the reality that she is destroying herself. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to stop enabling her and how to support her, since I know I can't force her to stop. I feel like I'm grasping at straws here but I don't want to lose her. I am not here to give an unprofessional diagnosis and say I "think" she "might" be an alcoholic. She does have this disease without a doubt. The only time she admits it is when she's drinking. The two times I've mentioned it in sober moments, she told me I heard her wrong. She got extremely drunk one night and told me she went to AA a few years ago, but drank before each meeting, and that it wasn't helping her so she quit. She said she quit going because she works as a professional in the substance abuse field and she believed everyone was talking about her at the meetings because of this 'irony'. She has had 1 DUI in her life about 5 years ago. She does not remember telling me any of this. She has said she even used to snort alcohol.
The confusing part has been that my girlfriend is always sweet and caring, sober or not. She is not belligerent and never abusive to me. She is loyal and faithful and sings my praises, drunk or not. She does, however, become unintelligible and emotionally labile. She talks about things in her past best left unsaid - terrible, dark moments. Her cognition changes and sends us into conversations that are not rational. Her compulsion to drink is so powerful that she claims she doesn't 'feel it', and needs more and more to the point of blacking out. She begins slurring her words after only 1 drink, and she remembers only a fraction of the night. She claims that alcohol is her 'demon' and that it is her only way of dealing with her painful emotions. The worst it gets is when she cries about things that happened in the past and is inconsolable. The next day she denies these things ever happened.
Currently, she lives with her parents and has been for four years. Originally she told me it was to save money. I'm starting to think it was because of drinking. She is moving into her own apartment in 2 weeks and I'm terrified what that freedom will do to her, and us. For the first time ever, I recently found her hiding alcohol from me in her bathroom while we were hanging out. She kept going to her bathroom to 'put on makeup' to get ready for our dinner date, but finally admitted that she 'had a beer'. Foolishly, I let her drive us to dinner. On the way back, she fell asleep at the wheel for a few seconds and I snapped her out of it. She claimed she was just concentrating on the road. The next morning I told her never to put me in danger like that again. Her response was "I need to get better."
Basically, I have learned that when she's not working she is always drinking. Her modality appears not to be bingeing but rather nursing drinks throughout the night until she passes out. She lives with her parents right now but because she's in her 30's, it's not like they check up on her or are even aware. She simply does her own thing in her room and drinks.
After going to Al Anon once, I admit I'm confused. Should I never ask her how much she's had to drink? I would have liked to know the truth in many cases. Should I drive her everywhere by default, or is that enabling? Should I instead refuse to go somewhere with her if I know she's been drinking? Like lots of people, I have always enjoyed a few drinks with friends and did some binge drinking in college. When I started seeing my gf, I feel terrible to admit that I took her out for a few glasses of wine and we did drink on dates, but it got to the point where it was like I was watching a forest fire rage. And now I have pulled away and don't drink anything around her. I'm sorry. I'm just so mixed up by this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
Well, you can ask her how much she's had to drink, but do you believe you would get a truthful answer? She is hiding it, and probably pre-drinking a LOT of the time.
I wouldn't "drive her around" (which IS enabling), but you also shouldn't put innocent people at risk by letting her drive herself. If you KNOW she is driving when she isn't fit to drive, you can call the police.
What I hear you doing is trying to manage her drinking. I'd stay out of it, unless she is doing something dangerous, in which case you can report it to someone with the power to stop the particular dangerous action.
Keep going to Al-Anon, keep posting here. Things will eventually become clearer. I can tell you that you do NOT want to marry this person until/unless she is SOLIDLY sober (I would suggest at least a year).
Well, you can ask her how much she's had to drink, but do you believe you would get a truthful answer? She is hiding it, and probably pre-drinking a LOT of the time.
I wouldn't "drive her around" (which IS enabling), but you also shouldn't put innocent people at risk by letting her drive herself. If you KNOW she is driving when she isn't fit to drive, you can call the police.
What I hear you doing is trying to manage her drinking. I'd stay out of it, unless she is doing something dangerous, in which case you can report it to someone with the power to stop the particular dangerous action.
Keep going to Al-Anon, keep posting here. Things will eventually become clearer. I can tell you that you do NOT want to marry this person until/unless she is SOLIDLY sober (I would suggest at least a year).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 25
My wife was much the same way when she was drinking (she's only been sober for a little over 40 days now). She wasn't really the belligerent drunk (at least not very often) but instead the happy go lucky kind. Often she would drink to blackout stages and say things/do things she had no recollection of the next morning. When we got married I knew she drank a lot but I had no idea just how much until the last few years. I thought of it as a phase at first and then I chalked it up to a coping mechanism from her abusive and troubled childhood. However, I found that she was hiding just how much she was drinking on a regular basis. She had bottles stashed around the house. She would drink while I was at work and her "moderation" of her problem was to set times that she couldn't start drinking before so that she knew if she was drunk it wouldn't be until I was home to take care of the kids...
A 'demon' is a good way of describing it. My wife tells me that she has a compulsion that she can't control once she starts. At 40+ days sober she's still a mess and fighting it everyday. She also got a DUI about 5 years ago and that was an eye opener. She cleaned up for a short while but went right back to it after the courts cleared her.
I'm just telling my story to show that you really aren't alone. I would caution, as LexieCat did, against jumping into marriage right now. Your GF needs help but as I'm sure you're aware, you can't force that or make it happen. What you CAN do is take care of yourself and figure out what is the right thing for you in the future. Continuing to enable her doesn't help. That has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. I'm a fixer and a rescuer and my nature tells me to help people but my "helping" really was just allowing her to be more messed up and creating more problems for our lives.
Keep it in mind that, if she is drinking heavily now, marriage will not change that and it is probably going to get worse over time. Love is a wonderful and powerful emotion but it can also cloud our judgement sometimes and the things we are doing that we believe to be good and helpful are sometimes only aiding in the destruction - especially where alcoholism is involved.
Welcome to SR! Take care of yourself. You've taken a great first step in sorting out your life by finding people to talk with. You can also check out Al-Anon, many people find that a great resource for getting tools to stop enabling and start living. I'm sure others here will give more suggestions on resources that you can use as well.
A 'demon' is a good way of describing it. My wife tells me that she has a compulsion that she can't control once she starts. At 40+ days sober she's still a mess and fighting it everyday. She also got a DUI about 5 years ago and that was an eye opener. She cleaned up for a short while but went right back to it after the courts cleared her.
I'm just telling my story to show that you really aren't alone. I would caution, as LexieCat did, against jumping into marriage right now. Your GF needs help but as I'm sure you're aware, you can't force that or make it happen. What you CAN do is take care of yourself and figure out what is the right thing for you in the future. Continuing to enable her doesn't help. That has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. I'm a fixer and a rescuer and my nature tells me to help people but my "helping" really was just allowing her to be more messed up and creating more problems for our lives.
Keep it in mind that, if she is drinking heavily now, marriage will not change that and it is probably going to get worse over time. Love is a wonderful and powerful emotion but it can also cloud our judgement sometimes and the things we are doing that we believe to be good and helpful are sometimes only aiding in the destruction - especially where alcoholism is involved.
Welcome to SR! Take care of yourself. You've taken a great first step in sorting out your life by finding people to talk with. You can also check out Al-Anon, many people find that a great resource for getting tools to stop enabling and start living. I'm sure others here will give more suggestions on resources that you can use as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
I wanted to add that you may be feeling like "if I do this, talk about that, or confront her" she will blow up and hate me, and go on a drinking binge etc. Fact is she is going to drink regardless of you (you can't control it). You may also feel like you are walking on eggshells and not wanting to rock the boat so you end up sweeping stuff under the rug.
For now I would keep a cool head while you sort through all this new information. There's no rush right?
Take this time to learn as much as you can. You will find that it becomes clearer on what to do and how to deal.
Hope you aren't stressing too much. Welcome!
PS these forums have been great. You will find lots of posts that hit home.
For now I would keep a cool head while you sort through all this new information. There's no rush right?
Take this time to learn as much as you can. You will find that it becomes clearer on what to do and how to deal.
Hope you aren't stressing too much. Welcome!
PS these forums have been great. You will find lots of posts that hit home.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
When it comes to her drinking you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Her drinking is hers and hers alone.
Another thing to consider is alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it just gets worse over time unless she is willing to do a serious recovery. Which means, if you think about it, you'll be looking back to now as the good old days.
Your friend,
Another thing to consider is alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it just gets worse over time unless she is willing to do a serious recovery. Which means, if you think about it, you'll be looking back to now as the good old days.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Proud of you for finding an AlAnon meeting, and yes, keep going back! I cried in every meeting for the first 2 months, and was equally confused. But I found myself becoming clearer, and more peaceful, over time. I felt like I always left a meeting with some "pearl" from a share. Also, read the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will open your eyes.
You didn't Cause this, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Control is the part most of us have trouble with. We get caught up in crazy behaviors in an effort to get a handle on it. We count bottles, we "confront" with stashed bottles we find, we hide money/car keys, we drive them places. We become as sick as the A.
I would agree that getting engaged right now is a bad idea. There is no rush. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, so take whatever time you need up front to make sure it's the right decision for you. Do you want children? Are her behaviors what you envision for the Mother of your children? Read in the children of alcoholics forum, the damage to children is awful. Love, sadly, is not enough. If love could cure them, they'd all be sober! The A's #1 love is for alcohol, and it will be until and unless they seek true recovery.
Keep going to AlAnon, keep reading and posting here. (((hugs)))
You didn't Cause this, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Control is the part most of us have trouble with. We get caught up in crazy behaviors in an effort to get a handle on it. We count bottles, we "confront" with stashed bottles we find, we hide money/car keys, we drive them places. We become as sick as the A.
I would agree that getting engaged right now is a bad idea. There is no rush. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, so take whatever time you need up front to make sure it's the right decision for you. Do you want children? Are her behaviors what you envision for the Mother of your children? Read in the children of alcoholics forum, the damage to children is awful. Love, sadly, is not enough. If love could cure them, they'd all be sober! The A's #1 love is for alcohol, and it will be until and unless they seek true recovery.
Keep going to AlAnon, keep reading and posting here. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Yep. Hello and welcome to SR. I'm happy you found us but sad that you had to.
I married an alcoholic unbeknownst to me. We had a child. She suffered severe active drinking and drug use.
My point here is this. It can get worse. It can become more complicated. If you have the chance to review your life now before it becomes more complicated, then I'd be taking that option all day long.
I married an alcoholic unbeknownst to me. We had a child. She suffered severe active drinking and drug use.
My point here is this. It can get worse. It can become more complicated. If you have the chance to review your life now before it becomes more complicated, then I'd be taking that option all day long.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I could have used most of your description to describe my XAWife. At first she just drank too much, then way too much then anytime she wasn't working then she brought "water" bottles to work. She was a very sweet woman who had a troubled past and it would come up in drunken conversation and very inconsolable. She would also never remember it the next day. I overlooked many things for quite a few years figuring this will eventually phase out of our lives as we got older. I was wrong, it got much worse.
Twisted ankles, broken ankles, broken collar bones, a body covered in bruises 24/7, fender benders, DUI, major car accident with months in the hospital, unemployment..................and of course it all landed on me to clean up, at least that's what I thought. It was hell, with no exaggeration, it was hell.
After a while the drinking was all day, hiding & sneaking drinks became the norm. It drove me CRAZY trying to keep track of it all! I'd wonder how much she was drinking and it drove me crazy, then i'd find out how much she was drinking and that drove me crazy! that's because I was! But all of this had become so normal to me. Crying in the shower every morning just to get through the day became normal. Never being able to go anywhere became normal. Carrying her out of restaurants became normal. I learned that if you held her by the belt loop in her pants and leaned her into you, you could make it look like you were just walking really close! (Awww look at them, they must be so in love walking so closely haha!) I'm sure there's a hundred more things that became normal that would shock and/or appall most people. But it just kind of slowly became my life.
Then she really started to change as the drinking got worse. The sweet girl who had troubles that I never seemed to be able to fix turned into a lying, manipulative, cheating stranger. I'll skip over the really bad crap but trust me it was not a place I ever want to be again. I started going to alanon and slowly many things about my situation began to become clear. I realized that I was not living a normal life. It wasn't that I was "going through hard times" or "waiting for this phase of our lives to close so we could move on" or "waiting for her to put the past behind her", it was her disease of alcoholism and my disease of codependency. That's why life was unmanageable. I began to see things as they were. It didn't come all at once, it took a few months before I was able to stick my head out of the foxhole and take a look around but I got there. My first meeting I couldn't talk, I couldn't do anything but stare at sneakers I was such a mess, but I kept going back and the more I went back, the more things became clear. I was able to take care of myself and even find a little happiness in the midst of all the chaos.
Our marriage didn't survive her alcoholism. I was willing to try, she wasn't/wasn't able to. She went on to lose her job, another DUI and jail time. She did enter rehab though & the last 5 months has been sober. For her it took losing her dream house, her marriage, her job, her license and going to jail to get her sober. We are still very much friends but the marriage had to end.
One thing that I noticed is that she is a VERY different person than the person I met. At the end of her drinking she was very different and now sober is even more different. She is a complete stranger compared to the person I fell in love with. I really can't properly convey how different she is! She has to learn how to deal with all this crap that has been numbed away all those years. She doesn't have the "luxury" of knowing she can just have a drink and it will be better. Now it's all there, right in front of her and she has to deal with it. I think that alone forces her to become a very different person.
Maybe everything I went through is an extreme case, maybe that's how they all are. I don't know, but it was what happened with me. It was interesting though how much of what you said could have come from my mouth. Alanon & SR helped me a lot, I hope it can help you.
Twisted ankles, broken ankles, broken collar bones, a body covered in bruises 24/7, fender benders, DUI, major car accident with months in the hospital, unemployment..................and of course it all landed on me to clean up, at least that's what I thought. It was hell, with no exaggeration, it was hell.
After a while the drinking was all day, hiding & sneaking drinks became the norm. It drove me CRAZY trying to keep track of it all! I'd wonder how much she was drinking and it drove me crazy, then i'd find out how much she was drinking and that drove me crazy! that's because I was! But all of this had become so normal to me. Crying in the shower every morning just to get through the day became normal. Never being able to go anywhere became normal. Carrying her out of restaurants became normal. I learned that if you held her by the belt loop in her pants and leaned her into you, you could make it look like you were just walking really close! (Awww look at them, they must be so in love walking so closely haha!) I'm sure there's a hundred more things that became normal that would shock and/or appall most people. But it just kind of slowly became my life.
Then she really started to change as the drinking got worse. The sweet girl who had troubles that I never seemed to be able to fix turned into a lying, manipulative, cheating stranger. I'll skip over the really bad crap but trust me it was not a place I ever want to be again. I started going to alanon and slowly many things about my situation began to become clear. I realized that I was not living a normal life. It wasn't that I was "going through hard times" or "waiting for this phase of our lives to close so we could move on" or "waiting for her to put the past behind her", it was her disease of alcoholism and my disease of codependency. That's why life was unmanageable. I began to see things as they were. It didn't come all at once, it took a few months before I was able to stick my head out of the foxhole and take a look around but I got there. My first meeting I couldn't talk, I couldn't do anything but stare at sneakers I was such a mess, but I kept going back and the more I went back, the more things became clear. I was able to take care of myself and even find a little happiness in the midst of all the chaos.
Our marriage didn't survive her alcoholism. I was willing to try, she wasn't/wasn't able to. She went on to lose her job, another DUI and jail time. She did enter rehab though & the last 5 months has been sober. For her it took losing her dream house, her marriage, her job, her license and going to jail to get her sober. We are still very much friends but the marriage had to end.
One thing that I noticed is that she is a VERY different person than the person I met. At the end of her drinking she was very different and now sober is even more different. She is a complete stranger compared to the person I fell in love with. I really can't properly convey how different she is! She has to learn how to deal with all this crap that has been numbed away all those years. She doesn't have the "luxury" of knowing she can just have a drink and it will be better. Now it's all there, right in front of her and she has to deal with it. I think that alone forces her to become a very different person.
Maybe everything I went through is an extreme case, maybe that's how they all are. I don't know, but it was what happened with me. It was interesting though how much of what you said could have come from my mouth. Alanon & SR helped me a lot, I hope it can help you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
One thing that I noticed is that she is a VERY different person than the person I met. At the end of her drinking she was very different and now sober is even more different. She is a complete stranger compared to the person I fell in love with. I really can't properly convey how different she is!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Demon
Keith Richards
I'm letting you in
Mabye you know
Let me tell you something
It's so painful to say
Which way to go
I don't know
There's a demon in me
Demon in me, demon in me
And I can't live without it
Every river must flow
Shine the light
And I want you to stay
But I'm forcing you out
How to express
It's such a mess
Demon in me, Demon in me
Between you and me
There's a demon in me
Yes it's screamin' at me
Demon in me
I'm warning you off
'Cause you slide on my mind
Hammers in my heart
Which way to go?
I don't know
It's livin' in me
The demon in me
Demon in me
Demon in me
Keith Richards
I'm letting you in
Mabye you know
Let me tell you something
It's so painful to say
Which way to go
I don't know
There's a demon in me
Demon in me, demon in me
And I can't live without it
Every river must flow
Shine the light
And I want you to stay
But I'm forcing you out
How to express
It's such a mess
Demon in me, Demon in me
Between you and me
There's a demon in me
Yes it's screamin' at me
Demon in me
I'm warning you off
'Cause you slide on my mind
Hammers in my heart
Which way to go?
I don't know
It's livin' in me
The demon in me
Demon in me
Demon in me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thank you to all of you. I read and reread your responses and was so touched that you responded and made me feel a little less alone and hopeless. I hope I can someday do the same for someone.
A funny thing happened after I posted this. I'm not saying it's magical thinking - I'm just saying it was a first for us. We had our first sober date, where it wasn't just me not drinking. She came over and we went to dinner. Then we watched a movie and talked about it. I'm a musician and I played her a song I wrote since I knew she'd remember it. I know nothing has been cured and nothing has truly changed, but it was...I don't know. Hopeful? I realize a lot of times many of us can say 'when it's good, it's good'. I guess that's what happened last night. I guess the sad part is I never know what to expect when I see her. She's always sweet and excited to see me no matter what her sobriety level, but next time could be the complete opposite. It seems like something did sink in when I told her not to put me in danger driving. Thank you for your time and caring.
A funny thing happened after I posted this. I'm not saying it's magical thinking - I'm just saying it was a first for us. We had our first sober date, where it wasn't just me not drinking. She came over and we went to dinner. Then we watched a movie and talked about it. I'm a musician and I played her a song I wrote since I knew she'd remember it. I know nothing has been cured and nothing has truly changed, but it was...I don't know. Hopeful? I realize a lot of times many of us can say 'when it's good, it's good'. I guess that's what happened last night. I guess the sad part is I never know what to expect when I see her. She's always sweet and excited to see me no matter what her sobriety level, but next time could be the complete opposite. It seems like something did sink in when I told her not to put me in danger driving. Thank you for your time and caring.
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