Devushka25

So I haven't been on the boards in a while but I'm looking for some advice. My father is an addict and has been in and out of my life but mostly out since I was about nine or ten. Before that he was a great dad and in all honesty, even as an addict, when I DID see him he was still very loving and tuned in (and a little sad, ashamed and insecure, underneath), for the day or week he'd be around before disappearing for another year or two. Which really has always made his odd appearances the ultimate tease because he's not a "bad" guy...just an absent and very sad, self destructive individual. I know his addiction, his failed recovery attempts and not being around are nothing I personally should feel bad about and I don't hold any irrational ideas of personal fault, but I've always felt kind of bad for my dad--right or not.

Anyway, he's in coming into town tomorrow and called me out of the blue this morning to tell me and give me his new cell number. I saw him last summer for a brief coffee date and before that...it had probably been two years. From what I gather from that last meeting and his phone call today, as well as a brief update from a relative over Facebook a while back, he's been in recovery with a few minor blips for the last year and a bit. He's steadily working and getting his ducks in a row. (I'm not getting excited, he's done this before and went back to the crack pipe. Feels like a game if inevitably. I have little faith. ) however, I don't care anymore. I want a relationship. Not a parental one. It'll never be now as I'm an adult and had to grow without him. But an adult relationship of mutual respect and love. I'm a psych major, I'm educated, gone through my own addiction issues and come out on the other end relatively healthy. I feel ready. And I feel like I can empathize, even have compassion for his situation while also not being naive and getting "sucked in".

I just don't know how to do it. When we talk or see each other it's awkward like we're strangers making strained conversation. We both really want it but there's so much we've never said that's so heavy and too big for strangers to talk about but weighs down any normal, easy conversation. Like there's an elephant always in the room. It's weird cause were talking about my father, lol, but I'd liken it to an awkward first date or something where you leave and play things back in your head and think, "why'd I say that?" "Did he think that was weird?" "I shouldn't have told him about *blank* that was such an over share".

Any tips?? Anyone ever done this before?? From either position? There's also the added complication of not wanting to pour too much out into this just to have him pull the disappearing act again...

Any advice is appreciated, thanks

catlovermi

Wow, reading your post I felt so much poignancy.

The fact that your father does pop up now and then and try to make a connection with you suggests that he acknowledges he is your dad, wants to have a relationship, and wants to love you. It is likely these points of contact are agonizing for him, too, with guilt and shame.

It is entirely reasonable for you to feel distant, and to want to stay protected from the collateral damage of addiction, whether it be crazy behaviors of an addict, or serial abandonments.

I have found that one of the best ways to navigate this is with a network of face-to-face real life support of others who know your shoes. This would be found in a local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or friends and family of addicts type support group.

The thing about face-to-face support on a regular, ongoing basis is it will provide you with extended experience from others who have been in your shoes, and a place where they will understand your crazy process - because the process of loving one in addiction IS crazy. They will provide you with a sort of emotional ballast in the storm. With the regular touch points of a local network of folks, it's much easier to steady your emotions, look at approaches after hearing their experience, strength, and hope, and application of boundaries. When you have setbacks or down days, they can help hold you up until you feel strength again.

Sending support!

CLMI

story74

My perspective on this is as a parent. I am the wife of an addict. My addict abandoned me and my son (2years old) 2 years ago. He is currently MIA.

All I can say is that he loves you and wants to see you. It might not be exactly the image you dream of, but it is all he has. I would just accept it and see him when he can. Hopefully with time it will and could grow into something you want, but that will take time and patience. Just love him for who he is and what he can offer you right now.

I am sorry that you have had to deal with this.

wicked

Maybe I am an eternal optimist, but I say tell him this.
This is what you want, and see if he wants that too.
whenever you see him, act as if this is the way it is.

I waited my entire life for my father to say I love you or I am proud of you.
I even went to his death bed (cirrhosis of the liver),
He did not recognize me, he thought I was my mother.
He called me by her name.
I was glad he was happy to see "her".
My mother had never forgiven or forgotten.

I have had my issues too with alcoholism, and with my own kids addiction.
Life is too short for awkward conversations.
Be straight, honest and forthright.
That is what being in recovery is about, I think. Or part of it anyway.
No more pretense, covering up or lies.
Just you.
What you want.
You will not get what you do not ask for.

Go for the whole enchilada.
I wish I had the chance to do it again.

Beth


With you in spirit.

Sunshine2

In my experience the best way to move towards an intimate relationship, is honesty. If you, eg share your sentiments that you expressed above, it may open a floodgate of real communication from both sides. He probably feels the same way and has lots he would really like to say to you, but just doesn't know how. He no doubt feels guilty about his absence in your life and understanding the extent of your forgiveness may create two open and receptive hearts.

I have found a silent prayer "Please let the outcome of this be Love" before a difficult meeting works wonders. Even if it is a once-off meeting, at least you will have some good memories from it.


Good luck with the meeting and please let us know how it went.

Devushka25

Well, I called the number he gave me twice. Both times I got the "this number is currently unavailable" message. Not encouraging. But I do have a missed call from an unknown number from 9 am (he obviously doesn't know my hours if that's him lol).
I left a Facebook message with his gf (my dad is a technophobe) basically saying if she heard from him that I tried but the number isn't working so he knows I'm not ignoring him or something.
Ill try again tomorrow if I don't hear from him. But that's the limit I'm setting for myself. I will not chase him down and I will not take it personally if I hear nothing from him at all.
I'm also not telling my mother about any of this. I'm 27 and my brother is 22. and she's still trying to have his license suspended and get a warrant for his arrest for child support arrears. I am not adding fuel to a fire.

Devushka25

So...I did meet up with my dad. I took my bf along as moral support and also because we've been together three years and my dad has only met once for an hour so I wanted to expose them to each other a little. Also, I decided I didn't want to get into anything too heavy on the first meet up.

He's paid up in a little motel for the month, doing some floor laying work in town with his buddy. His buddy WHO GOT HIM STARTED on crack all those years ago. I loathe this guy. He was a catalyst to tearing my family apart and ruining my father's life! Now before I have a bunch of ppl remind me that my father is an adult who made his own choices...yes I know. And he was already an alcoholic long before that even. But still, it really burns me that he still knows and associates with this individual. And it makes me wonder where my dad really is in his recovery if he's working with that guy.

He says he's seeing how it goes working down here for the month. He lives farther away in a smaller city where work is scarce. He says he's trying to convince his gf to move down here with him permanently. At any rate, depending on how this month goes, he could be here at least for the summer.

When we met up he wanted to go for drinks. Yeah...
I'm not his parent and I felt really uncomfortable saying anything about that plan. Myself, I'm in recovery for cocaine addiction but never really had a problem with alcohol except that it can be a trigger in certain contexts. I still drink in appropriate settings within a set of parameters. One of them, for example, my bf being present. Or, not at work even though its a club, etc. Anyway, we went to a restaurant and the three of us each had a beer and just small talked, updated each other on relevant family and friends, told the bf some funny stories from the past, that kind of thing. It was a little weird because of the drinking. I didn't know what his recovery consists of because we don't know each other anymore and I didn't want to make things awkward by questioning him when we're basically strangers and the bf was there. I also just didn't want to ruin a nice moment by making him feel self-conscious or something? I decided to just let it happen then felt bad after like I had just enabled? It was confusing.

All in all though it was a decent visit. I missed him. Looks so different though. He's so skinny and looks...well, like a recovering crack addict. It's hard to see your dad who used to help you out of big trees when you got stuck and swing a hammer with his big arms covered in tattoos reduced to a shrivelled version of himself that looks waaaay older than he should. Made me a little sad.

I had to talk to my mother about it as a heads up because he's staying in her specific town and wants to move to that town possibly. Better than her running into him in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon with her kids and my stepdad. I framed it that way and her response was that she NEVER wants to run into him at the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon and doesn't want him moving down here at all and dammit this is her community and she (as I expected) was going to report all this to family management so they'll go after him for child support arrears. Now I feel like I've betrayed him which makes me mad because my whole life she's been doing or saying stuff like this and I love my dad so despite our issues, she pushes me into thus role where I have to defend him or feel bad which doesn't allow for me to sort out my feelings about him individually. Frustrating!!!!!!

laurie6781

Actually, you did not betray him, and your mother has every right to report him to hopefully get some of the back child support he owes.

These are CONSEQUENCES of his past actions. Just as you probably had consequences of your past actions while using cocaine.

Go slow, watch your father's actions, not his words and you will get a fairly good idea if in fact he is in recovery or is still 'toxic'.

Love and hugs,