courtneykay

Hi everyone.

I joined this website because I really just needed a place where I could find support for my current situation, and these seems like a good fit. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. He has been prescribed to ADHD medicine for some time, but just recently he started taking more than his prescribed amount and got addicted. I have been urging him to get some kind of help, to quit, to start going to therapy, anything to help break this unhealthy addiction. I, myself, am completely sober. He signed up to do an outpatient program, but after realizing how much of a time commitment it was, and their radical beliefs, he went to sign himself out. About an hour later I receive a call where he says he is staying in the program and can't talk to me anymore.

I want him to get better. I truly do. I have been urging him to quit drugs our entire relationship. It just doesn't seem fair. How can a rehab program, that I urged him to do in the first place, tell him to cut all ties with his SOBER girlfriend? I understand that it is hard to work on yourself when you are in a relationship with someone. I am not asking to remain his girlfriend during this time, but just at least have the ability to contact him and let him know I still support and care about him. He wants me to wait for him to get out (in 30 days) and I truly do want to. But I don't think we can go 30 days without any form of contact, without our relationship being harmed in the process. He changed his phone number, deleted his facebook, deleted his twitter, etc. I was texting his mother earlier, who was asking me to forward a text I sent to him so he could read it. Of course I didn't want her to read our personal conversation, so I didn't forward it, but simply asked a few questions about his recovery. Normally she is great at texting me back, but she just stopped responding completely.

I understand that I am probably being a little irrational. I should be open and willing to give him space if that means he can get better. I just needed to let this out somewhere. I'm honestly in love with this boy, and it is going to kill me to not be able to see or speak to him in any manner for 30 days.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR........there is a lot of collective wisdom on this forum if you can keep an open mind.

Regarding the above quote.....no.....it won't kill you. It may not feel good. It may hurt a LOT but it won't kill you.

You have an opportunity that you are unable to see right now. You have the opportunity to work on you while he works on himself for the next 30 days. If you have not read it, I would highly recommend reading "Codependent No More". It may shed some light on why he feels it's important to his recovery to suspend contact with you while he does the very hard work to address his addiction.

I'd like to ask you a question......you don't have to answer it on this forum but answer it honestly to yourself. If the choice was that your bf stay with you and remains addicted OR separates from you (no contact) for 30 days and gets clean and sober.....which would you choose?

gentle hugs
ke

cynical one

It's. 30. Days.

If a relationship, or the people in it can't go 30 days without contact, it's not much of a relationship to start with.

Not that long ago, soldiers would go off to war for years and years and there would only be an occasional letter that would take months to be delivered. Relationships, marriages, and families survived.

You can spend the next 30 days worrying about his recovery, or you can take the next 30 days and work on your own issues. One choice will help him, the other will hinder him. Choose wisely.

courtneykay

I know you are right. I'm being really selfish about this entire situation, it's just hard not to be. I want him to get better, I just wish I could be there to help and support him, you know? I did end up reading all the stickies last night, including the one about codependency, and it cleared up a lot for me. I know I am definitely a codependent, as much as I hate to admit it.

I think I am most bitter about the fact that I didn't even get to say goodbye. It was one phone call, probably a minute long, where I was told he was doing the program, and couldn't talk to me.

I'm scared. The rehab program he signed up for has very radical beliefs, and they don't have the best reputation. That's what worries me. It is almost cult like. I have heard more horror stories about that place than success stories. I'm scared that he is going to come out of it completely brainwashed, and isolate himself from his friends and family.

I want him to get better. And I want to work on myself too. I want to become a stronger, more independent, person. I just don't know where to begin. I am going to try my hardest though, to stop being so selfish and just give him the space he needs to get better.

You are right. 30 days really isn't that long at all. I'm just overly attached, and a bit (or a lot) dramatic. The longest we have ever been apart is five days. It's just such a drastic change, going from spending every day, all day, with a person, to not being able to see him or talk to him myself.

I don't want to spend the time worrying only about him. My severe anxiety just makes it difficult not to imagine every possible terrible thing that could be happening to him. I know I have things to work on myself, I just don't even know where to begin. I'd rather help him than myself, as sad and messed up as that is..

OneNightAWeek

You will make it through 30 days easy. Someone suggested I use a journal to get better understanding of my own feelings especially when certain things were happening. Maybe you should try this. Go back later on and read what you wrote and it helps with clarity, then you can see what it is you would like to work on about yourself.

wicked

are you being treated for your anxiety? by a doctor?
if not, maybe a visit to a psychiatrist is in order, or talking with an addictions counselor to see if that is a good idea for you.

It is not sad and messed up to want to help someone other than yourself,
but it could be a problem if you dismiss any problems you have to help him.

Right now is the perfect chance to start addressing this problem you have with yourself.

Just from what you have written here, you seem to have pretty good insight into
yourself and any problems you might be having.
Maybe you just need a professional to guide you out of the forest you can't see for the trees (other's problems).

I think you will be fine.
Keep coming back, write down your feelings, keep reading and find some meetings for yourself, like AlAnon.
They are an entire group of people who want to help someone other than themselves, so you will be understood there.

the focus will be brought back to you, put on your own oxygen mask so you can help others.

Beth

courtneykay

Hi all, just wanted to post an update on the situation. I could definitely use some more words of wisdom, because I am in a state of confusion and heartbreak right now.

I don't know how much I have shared with you all about the outpatient rehab program my boyfriend was attending - it had radical belief systems and was just too much, for him, for his family, and for me. After about a week he signed himself out and started a different outpatient program that was less invasive and less radical.

That lasted about two weeks. We woke up to the sad news that he lost one of his best friends (the cause is still not known, but the friend was a heavy drug user.) This has been very emotionally hard for him and he stopped going to rehab the week he found out. He then told his parents and I that he wasn't going to go to rehab anymore, because he didn't feel as if he was doing it for himself. I understood his reasoning, I want him to get help, but I want him to want it for himself.

Things have been very rocky. I get yelled at and cussed at almost every day, and blamed for almost all of his problems. I try not to take it too personally because I know he is just lashing out at me because he is going through a lot. As far as I know, he has completely stopped taking speed, which was what he originally went to rehab for. But he is replacing this habit with smoking weed. I have felt unsure about the whole thing, I just don't think he should be involved in drugs of any shape or form. I tried to be open minded about it..I really did..

Then he told me he was going to start selling pot. This happened Friday night, and next thing I know he is ditching me and ignoring phone calls and texts and spending all of his time selling. He says that it is a good way to "keep him sober" because if he is selling he won't be tempted to do the drugs apparently. I don't know, that logic is completely out of line to me. He also told me that he was doing it for me, to support me financially. That's just complete BS. He doesn't need to sell drugs to support me, and I told him that.

I got yelled at again. I got cussed at. I got called names. He refused to give me five minutes of his time after he ditched me Saturday night to sell pot. I could not just sit by and watch him on this downward spiral anymore, so I did what I thought I needed to do. I contacted his parents and let them know that he was doing and selling drugs again.

Of course he hates me, he's fuming angry with me and thinks I am out of my mind. But I did it because I love and care about him. I care about his well being and his getting better than maintaining a relationship. It's hard right now. It hurts. I just want my sweet, lovable, boyfriend back. But I know that I won't get him back unless he follows through with getting treatment and living a sober life. I have spoken to him very little since I told his parents, this all happened tonight, and he said he may go back to the original rehab program he was at. (The one with the radical beliefs.) At this point, any sort of steps to recovery and treatment sounds good to me.

I thought I could make it work. I don't know why I was so naive. I have read everywhere to just walk away, that it is not worth the pain and suffering to be in a relationship with an addict. But I thought I could do it. I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that this is a relationship that needs to end. It's unhealthy, and it has broken me emotionally. But how do you just say goodbye to someone you spent so long with? How do you get over someone you gave everything to?

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.

Hammer

Sorry to be late to the party.

There are some BAD rehab centers . . . and this from your first post, sounds like a HUGE red flag.

Mrs. Hammer went to a not-so-good rehab in Florida with some hack-pop-psych (she seems to have a real mental illness issue they hacked), and has been pretty much a mess since.

As for your current note -- not a lot you can do for him at this point. BUT you can still save you. You cannot help anyone if you get tied up (further) in this mess.

Do you know about Alanon -- what/when/where/how, etc? It is generally open for the friends and family of ALL type addicts -- Alcohol, Drugs, even Anorexia (what Mrs. Hammer went to rehab for, but she also had prior Alcohol and Drug issues).

Like I say she has been a MESS since she came back from rehab, but I am doing Alanon and our daughter is doing Alateen, and it has at least been helping us A LOT.

Sunshine2

One year is not a long time to spend with someone. You have to decide if you could take say, another five years of this. If you find you have to walk away after 5 years, it will be much harder.

Do you deserve to be treated like this? Do you deserve a boyfriend who makes money selling drugs? We have to decide for ourselves what we are prepared to put up with and for how long. He has obviously no intention of getting clean in the near future, so prepare yourself for things to get a lot worse if you stay.

courtneykay

I really don't like the rehab program that he was doing at all. It was isolating him from everyone and was almost cult like. I want him to get better though. He may end up returning to this rehab program. I want to support him no matter what in his path to recovery, but it will be hard when I disagree with so many of the fundamentals of the program.

A year is not a long time. But a relationship can grow strong in that time. We may not have been together for years upon years, we are young. But he still means a lot to me, and it will still be hard to let go of someone I have spent an entire year loving. I know I do not deserve this. I know I can't put up with it anymore, it is just going to take some time to get over him. I keep reminding myself of all the good times, and of the love and special bond that we share, and it makes me want to stay. But I can't stay any longer.

I talked to one of his friends today, who informed me that my boyfriend had asked him and another friend for speed. I saw texts to another person asking for speed too. He told me it was for a friend...but I know that it was probably for him.

I know I'm codependent. I crave the validation and attention that he gives me. I need to work on myself, I need to return to the independent, free willed, person I used to be before I entered this relationship. Our relationship is toxic, and has been chaining me down for too long. It is heartbreaking to look at the reality of the situation.

pravchaw

Awareness is a good start Even though you claim you are sober you may be as addicted as him (to him). Same is true for me. In my case my drug of choice is my addicted son. We need to recover from them and give them the dignity of recovering on their own.

pinkdog

Respect the program. Find other things to do in the meantime. God bless you.

courtneykay

I know I am addicted to him. :/ I hate that. Before I was in a relationship with him, I was so independent and proud of the person I am. But somewhere along the line I got addicted to the feeling he gave me, I got addicted to his love. We even used to joke around that he was my drug. I want to recover. I want to be a better person. I want to work on myself.

Letting go is just so hard.

I definitely will respect whatever path he chooses to find recovery. He may not even be going to rehab now, I don't know. He is keeping me completely out of the loop.

cynical one

You're in an abusive relationship. Have you considered counseling for yourself?