NevarCiots

I just now started up a cute conversation with a girl I work around and wanted to know her name.

Afterward we said goodbye I thought to myself: "now if I could have a nice girl like that I wouldn't DARE keep up with this drinking stuff out of fear of screwing the relationship up," keep in mind I know a lot can go wrong in going cold turkey for someone like that.

Now, I am familiar with the "love yourself before you can love others" and someone at an AA meeting once saying " recovering alcoholics need a year sobriety before even considering romantic relationships," but have any of you seen such a thing as someone giving up on drugs to strengthen a relationship? I don't mean quitting for spouses though because I see that happening pretty often.

ScottFromWI

I personally believe that if you can't quit for yourself first, nothing else will do it for you.

Soberpotamus

It was a factor in me quitting, sure. I married in November of 2011 and quit that same month, I relapsed but am now sober. My husband's support and love are instrumental in me wanting to maintain sobriety. But he isn't my reason. I did it for myself. I was ready to stop the insanity and heal from it all.

LadyinBC

I quit first for myself and my daughter did factor into it. She wanted her kids to know their grandmother.

In my opinion, if we really want the booze/drugs, nothing is really going to stop us if we are that determined to have it. No hot or nice guy would have kept me from drinking if I really wanted it.

BarbieKen

I believe you have to quit for you. I have a sober husband and son (7 and 5 years sober themselves). I had a sliver of clarity back in November, and sought help for my alcoholism. I was just ready, absolutely done, drank the poison long enough. I am one who maintains her sobriety by the program of AA.

360shoes

Hi NevarCiots,
I think the human mind and heart is a miraculous thing and anything is possible. I have run the gamut of thinking drinking was fun to drinking is ruining me and my mind and my heart did a pretty good job of convincing me all of it was working. What I focus on is my reality.

Really what I read into your post was more about you having dreams of being the kind of person who deserves something wonderful. Wonderful things in life include a partner who is kind, loving, centered, and someone you feel grateful to have in your life. Do I think you deserve that? Absolutely.

I have found though to have all the wonderful things in life I dream of always comes with responsibility. I can't have what I am not willing to be myself.

I think we are capable of an awful lot. If it were me, I would keep on working on being the person I dreamed of being. If I didn't have the time I needed to know that me and my life was different, I would be very cautious dragging someone in to my journey. That would not be very fair to them. And being just and fair is part of me being the person I dreamed of being.

That being said, you certainly can join in living a good life right now. Especially if you are young. Nothing wrong with being a good friend to many girls and guys you think are pretty special people. It will be good practice seeing and behaving like a responsible person. I know I needed the practice.

Odds are most of us don't stay sober or clean for someone else but nothing says when we are capable of doing something for ourselves and doing right for someone else. It's possible to do both but really you are the only one who knows when that time comes.

Just be kind and honest and a good friend. All good relationships begin that way anyway.

The only difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do. My favorite quote.

bigsombrero

If dating a pretty, nice, wholesome girl was the solution to beating alcoholism - I'd have had this problem licked 15 years ago.

A cute girl ain't going to solve your problems. Nope, nope, nope. In my experience this is a huge undertaking that involves 100% self-awareness and commitment. This has absolutely nothing to do with other people, only yourself.

It's one thing if you want to be a better husband, father, whatever. It might help, somewhat. But becoming involved with a new partner as you're trying to complete a total life makeover...well, that wouldn't be pretty.

quitforme79

I agree w ladyinbc... If you really want sobriety nothing will stop you from being so. If a relationship begins, ends, never happens.. Whatever the case may be if u are committed to your recovery plan, you can get through anything without using.

quitforme79

Beautiful post 360!

Michelangelo

Yes, that happened to me. I quit drinking after 20+ years because of my new girlfriend. She has never seen me drunk. And she never will.

Nighthawk8820

You can try any method you like, but from what I can see in other people's stories, as well as with my own journey, you will never quit using for anyone or anything if YOU dont really want it. People say they want to quit for their kids, loved ones, to avoid legal issues, or whatever, but it never works out. YOU have to want it, and YOU have to do the self work and make the changes needed to better your life and get healthy. If you dont want it, then it doesn't tend to work.

Isaiah

I think having someone you're in a relationship with can be a push to take sobriety more seriously. A good friend of mine who I started sobriety with made improving his relationship with his girlfriend a part of his recovery, all the while doing it for himself.

In my case, I wont lie. The prospect of being in a relationship again was one of those things on my list of reasons for getting sober. Along with keeping a job and not finding myself homeless/dead... so maybe not the top of the list.

But can having a bf/gf "save" you. No. They can't. No one can do it for you. In AA they advocate against starting relationships in new sobriety for good reasons. The allure of romance often blinds us to the reality that relationships are also hard & require you having your proverbial ships together (nautical analogy.)

Dee74

Nice idea, but not one I've seen work out a lot. Practically never.

Being with someone helped for a while - but I was still the same old me - and, not really willing to do anything about it then, gradually I returned to my default position.

I destroyed two long term relationships - in effect I chose the bottle, not the girl.

D

thekl0wn

Someone else was the trigger for me quitting. However, I did not quit for/because of her. My quitting was a selfish act, which was triggered by a simple question, "If you go around cat-calling girls like that in FRONT of me and have zero recollection of it, what happens when I'm not there?" It was a good question. 'Cause, hell, I don't know the answer!?!?

Quitting is something I've wanted to do for so long. So many times, I sat back and tried to plan my exit strategy, worked on theories for keeping it under control, and all were to no avail. Give me that one drink, and there was no telling what would happen. It was that question, with a slight bit of accusation to it, that triggered it for me. I do not want my actions to be in question, whenever I can't even defend myself, because I have no clue WTF happened.

And it's been the best choice I've ever made. It was for me, but she gets huge benefits from it as well.