quitforme79

So when can I NOT call myself one anymore? lol I know my sober 3D AA friends have my best interests in mind but sometimes they just talk to me like I don't know anything or was just born. Born into sobriety almost 8 months ago yes...but I have been dwelling on this earth for over 30 years. I don't ask for advice or opinions of many people in the rooms...I go to my sponser for that because too much info can be confusing. I don't like the unsolicited advice I've been getting lately. Many of my friends think I went through the steps too fast. Or that I shouldn't be dating. Or that I shouldn't go ANYWHERE alcohol is served. But the big book tells me that if I have a reason to be somewhere and alcohol is there I should go if I am spiritually fit. And I have been around it. And I pray a little more before I go and while there and have actually enjoyed myself sober. I'm not talking abou bars and clubs, family parties, BBQ's etc. Guess I am just wah wahing here. I can't vent in the rooms because I don't want to hurt my friends feelings but it makes me not want to tell them stuff. Everyone's recovery journey is different. I can't judge someone because of a different pace or when they put themselves in situations I wouldn't feel comfortable in. I'm an alcoholic. And human. I will make many mistakes I am sure. But if I am happily sober right now and loving life, I am obviously doing something right! Thanks for listening!

quitforme79

And I meant I HAVE been to family things and BBQ's where there's drinking and for me that's okay. Bars and clubs, NO. Just to clarify that

IWillWin

Hi Quitforme!

I relate - I used AA heavily during my first few months and I know without it I would have failed. However, I took what I needed and left the rest. Even though that is a common phrase in the rooms I found that when I expressed that I didn't embrace the program in its entirety I was met with shaking heads and people stopped talking to me in some cases.

I truly believe that whatever plan is working for a person's sobriety is their private business. Yes, attending AA I suppose one could be expected to be in it 100% but it is not like I was walking around with a sandwich board on my chest proclaiming I didn't have (nor desire) a local sponsor. I just answered honestly when people asked me. And many believed I would fail without one...

But so far, I'm doing ok at almost 10 months. Yes, I completely understand the program and will high-tail it back to the rooms regularly if I feel it necessary. But the judgement I encountered was uncomfortable. I still went, and still go on occasion, but I just take what I need and leave the rest quietly.

Good post...made me think about the reasons why I cobbled together a hybrid program. Always good to review these things sometimes

neferkamichael

Quitforme, 8 months sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Remember in an AA meeting you are still associating with a room full of drunks. Unsolicited advice can get on my nerves real quick. Going to meetings has helped me to practice being patient.

Nuudawn

You know I think boundary and control issues are rather pre-dominant in addiction. There are so many great things about the healing community of AA but one must remember that although these people are sober..they are simply human beings trying to stay sober and keep others sober and sometimes they project their own fears on to others. I know that when I entered those rooms..vulnerable, broken and defeated, any and every kindness was lapped up like a sponge. I was not familiar with "13 stepping". I did not realize those men coming up and asking me to coffee was not appropriate ..not in those first few meetings when I was at my weakest.

Everyone there is working hard to stay sober...there are wonderful people and there are arses. There are people there acting as "sponsors" with raging cocaine addictions (this I know for a fact). There are few clinically trained experts in those rooms...but even some clinically trained experts in the real world can do more harm than good.

It is essential to trust your own gut..and find your own voice ..and your own truth..and abide by it. YOUR truth...your fine beautiful self's truth is wisdom when all else fails.

Mizzuno

Ah Yes! The forever newcomer. I remember this clearly. There is always going to be someone who will refer to you as the "Newcomer", or "One day you will get it". I experienced it, and still experience it now..even though I am not in AA. I think that this attitude coming from the other person is worth NOTHING. I do not have time for this type of "Looking down" on people. Keep doing what you are doing. You are not a newcomer in my opinion. The opinions of others do not matter. Yes, unsolicited advice is annoying. I feel ya. Thanks for posting this.

quitforme79

Thank you all so much for responding! Gave me a lot of good things to think about...and remember. We are ex drunks, some projecting fears, some on the AA high horse, some have save my A@@ and for that I will be forever grateful I guess I'm at the point where I am feeling comfortable in my own skin and really spiritually connected..to life, to those I love and care about, to my purpose. That is a miracle for me and it's my biggest foundation for sobriety. Some days suck, yeh. I think about a drink, yeh. BUT this life is SO MUCH better. I don't obsess..who knew that was possible? Congrats on 10 months willwin! The program works and I will stay in it but just can't take things to heart so much. I forgot I was so sensitive

Mizzuno

Even the ones with years and years of sobriety think of a drink now and then. When a person bans themselves from something, and that something is a huge part of society as we know it, it seems impossible to not think about it. In my opinion.There really is no book to all of this life stuff. That is what it is really about right? Life! I am proud of you. Being comfortable in your own skin is an awesome feeling. I think you have a lot to offer. Thank you for being here. Oh, and congrats on 10 months willwin!!

Grungehead

I like being a newcomer. We are the most important person in the meeting.

"Aside from fellowship and sociability, the prime object was to provide a time and place where new people might bring their problems." pg 160 of BB

Besides, we can say stupid stuff in a meeting and get away with it because we are just a "newcomer".

I guess if there had to be a rule as to when the newcomer label can be removed I would say it's when you have completed the steps.

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." pg 60 of BB

Nuudawn

This made me chuckle..thanks Grunge.

FreeFall

I think if you're feeling comfortable and happy and you're still sober almost a year later you've created a plan for yourself that is successful. If it's not broken, don't fix it. Don't worry too much about the labels or what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing. You know you best. You don't have to share everything either.

Everyone does recover at a different pace. I think it maybe happens faster if you've thought about quitting or tried to quit for years and finally find a plan that works for you. Or, a good enough reason to make you wake up lol If it's your first attempt, it may take longer and more slips before it takes. What would trigger and make one person slip might be a challenge and perfectly fine for another.

trikyriky

Congratulations , Truely.

quitforme79

Great points freefall! I started aa September 2012 and relapsed November 7th... Will never forget that date because it was a traumatizing experience but one that was the true wake up call for me. The end of my drinking was truly a very dark place & I've been working diligently to change my mind, behaviors& attitude because I don't ever want to go back!

Ananda

Thank you for this thread.

I have less than a month of sober time at the moment. One thing very different this time from the last 4 or so years of attempts at regaining sobriety is that I'm finding it easier to distance my self from others perspectives. it's just their perspective and everyone has one What a shocker it was to figure that out (again)...

I definately have had to set some boundries with others about expressing thier opinions about me. They don't even have to be too ridgid or re-enforced. I just change the subject. So far it seems that people learn.

Someone once said that people would walk all the way across the room to tell her what was wrong with her. I relate to that. I just need to nestle back into ... that's their perspective...and move on. (course I am a work in progress...so I expect to have some mini-volcanos from time to time.

quitforme79

Beautiful way to put things nuudawn... Thank you for sharing your experience & wisdom

Threshold

My mom (82) still says to me (47) all the time, "as you go on in life you are going to learn..." I have three grown kids and a grandchild...To some people we will always be "babies"

That being said, here's an option...since they want to share with you, and they may have something shareworthy, try to redirect them (I do this with my mom too) and say "Can you tell me about your experience with that?" or ask some other question that directs it back to their experience..."how often did you meet with your sponsor early on?", "How long did it take you to do your 4th step" etc...

This way I can snack at their buffet and get some good information without choking on resentments.

quitforme79

Great advice ananda, thank you! And what a great solution threshold... I didn't even think of asking them that! Guess I still have stuff to learn? I'm being sarcastic of course I will definitely try that because it then feels like I can learn or get insight from their experience rather than feel like I'm being scolded or looked down on as a child. And for those who just like to tell people what to do? I'll just change the subject I'm going to a meeting tonight so maybe I'll get opportunity to practice lol

sugarbear1

Have you done a mini 4th step on this to find out what you are doing? It's not about them anyway. It also doesn't matter what they think of you.

Give time time, keep growing spiritually. If you've completed those steps, read The Spirituality of Imperfection to gain another perspective.

~SB

soberlicious

Bears repeating...find your own voice. Believe in yourself, and do not let others plant doubt.