mom wants to talk
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
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mom wants to talk
I've tried to talk to my mother about her drinking/drug use several times but she always flips out. Finally, 2 weeks ago I told her that I needed some distance, she (of course)flipped out and we haven't talked since. It was hard at first, but lately I feel free and healthy. Last night, my mother left me a message saying that she wants to talk- her heart is broken over this distance. She said she'd call back so now I'm waiting and I don't know what to do. Do I answer the phone and try again or do I keep my distance. If she flips out on me again, I'm afraid of my own emotional/mental health. I don't want to keep going in circles but I don't want to be cold to her if she's serious about getting better. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Yeah that's hard. It's all about how emotionally disconnected you can be. Just listen and don't believe anything she says. Let her ramble on, don't try to present any of your feelings because she is too out of it to digest it. If she presses you on your feelings tell her to go to AA.
I've tried to talk to my mother about her drinking/drug use several times but she always flips out. Finally, 2 weeks ago I told her that I needed some distance, she (of course)flipped out and we haven't talked since. It was hard at first, but lately I feel free and healthy. Last night, my mother left me a message saying that she wants to talk- her heart is broken over this distance. She said she'd call back so now I'm waiting and I don't know what to do. Do I answer the phone and try again or do I keep my distance. If she flips out on me again, I'm afraid of my own emotional/mental health. I don't want to keep going in circles but I don't want to be cold to her if she's serious about getting better. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
T
I'm kind of in the same boat, justbeachy. In my case the issue is with my high functioning alcoholic father. He's a world-class pro at holding a grudge and cutting people out of his life. My mother, who is his enabler and extremely passive aggressive, has been leaving me messages and posts on FaceBook. Even if if he did want to talk, I've decided I won't until I'm ready. Like you, I've felt really really free and healthy since I drew some boundaries and detaching from my parents has allowed me the mental room to start recovery. I Agee with trombonliness, it sounds like your mom is just trying to emotionally prod you back into a mode of behavior that she's comfortable with. Face it, you stood up to her and that makes her uncomfortable. Now is your time - do what's best for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
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Well, I did talk to my mother. She is taking some very positive steps, hasn't drank for a week & attending a support group. I'm proud of her for trying, but I feel very cautious still. She asked to com visit in a few weeks for my daughter's birthday and I said no. It was hard, she was hurt, but I need her to know that I'm serious. It's going to take some thought about how to do what's best for me & mine without cutting her out altogether. If she's really getting help I want to support her. This is not easy! Thank goodness for you guys & this place!
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You have to do what it takes to protect your own mental health. I did this too. Distanced myself from my mother, back in 2008-2009. An eight month period. She never seemed to really understand, or respect my wishes. Her phone calls never stopped. She passed away after eight months, from a drug overdose, in ICU for two months. It was overwhelming for me. I never expected that end result.
All this to say... it's a blurred line between boundaries in dysfunctional relationships like this, especially between mother and child. I don't regret establishing the boundaries. But I live with regret and guilt everyday. It is not my fault my mother overdosed, I know this in my head, but my heart sometimes wonders...
Somehow, we have to draw the line. I don't regret taking care of and protecting myself. I had no clue she'd react the way she did.
My story is extreme though. Please, do not think in any way this is going to happen to you. I'm sharing to let you know my experience with this.
All this to say... it's a blurred line between boundaries in dysfunctional relationships like this, especially between mother and child. I don't regret establishing the boundaries. But I live with regret and guilt everyday. It is not my fault my mother overdosed, I know this in my head, but my heart sometimes wonders...
Somehow, we have to draw the line. I don't regret taking care of and protecting myself. I had no clue she'd react the way she did.
My story is extreme though. Please, do not think in any way this is going to happen to you. I'm sharing to let you know my experience with this.
You have to do what it takes to protect your own mental health. I did this too. Distanced myself from my mother, back in 2008-2009. An eight month period. She never seemed to really understand, or respect my wishes. Her phone calls never stopped. She passed away after eight months, from a drug overdose, in ICU for two months. It was overwhelming for me. I never expected that end result.
Uh, no. Am I consumed with guilt that I didn't move in with my Dad and take care of him for his last year or two, the way he wanted (and kept trying to guilt me into doing)? No -- my head would have exploded, and they'd never have been able to get the brain-splat stains off the ceiling. Those People Out There are not living with the stuff we're living with (or lived with, in my case).
There's this persistent mythology out there, that we're supposed to have this Norman Rockwell end-of-life epiphany with our parents, where -- as they're taking their dying breaths -- everyone gathers 'round, gets choked up, admits his/her failings, lets bygones be bygones, offers the olive branch of reconciliation, and -- the piéce de resistance of the whole thing -- the alcoholic parent finally realizes how tough it's been, and, while holding hands with the kids, apologizes for having been a raging alcoholic control freak, and says, "If only I'd been a better parent... I love you all...." before sinking back into the pillow as their eyes close, life quietly slips away, and the curtain falls, over closing credits.
That's the ending my sister (World's Biggest Codependent™) kept trying to engineer -- but is that the ending we had? No. This is not the Lifetime Network or Hallmark Hall of Fame -- it's real life, and unrecovered alcoholics don't do that. For me, that meant keeping my father at arm's length -- going by to visit, when he was under round-the-clock home care, but not staying very long, and generally minimizing the psychological damage. That was the best I could do. We could have had a better ending, if he had had a clue about how tough it was to be his kids, but he didn't.
T
Yes, other people just don't understand and like to try to shame us. Once when my enabler Mom was in the hospital (she was a hypochondriac who was supposed to die every year since I could remember and lived well into her 90's) we siblings were pretty well spent with her "emergency room" visits. She was in her 90's and the nurse called me chewing me out disgustedly saying the doctor wanted to know why none of her children and her grandchildren were visiting her. I politely and firmly told her that she was fine and that we were not going to be there. Then I hung up and called the doctor and chewed him out, telling him her history of enabling our drunken father beating us senseless all our lives and that she was darn lucky we had what little relationship we had with her. He apologized. I steamed for days. It's not fair that people judge us without even knowing any history.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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The idea of people judging us for cutting off contact or for not being close to our alcoholic parents is something that I have struggled with a little and worry about struggling with as well. What annoys me about what happened in your situation, Kialua, is that this was a medical professional who totally misjudged the situation. I realize he was likely not a drug/addiction counselor or something similar, but it is frustrating. These are people who should be more knowledgeable and considerate of possible reasons and situations. I'm glad you chewed him out.
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When I went no contact with my AF, several family members tried to guilt me about it. I just reminded them that he should be in jail for some of the things he put my brother and I through. Going no contact is a 'light penalty' for what he did.
Eventually he did sober up, and we have some semblance of a relationship. We talk on the phone 4 or 5 times per year, and see each other 2 or 3 times.
If he would have died during that time we were NC, it might have bothered me a little. But it would have only been the ghost of a memory of what I thought my relationship with my father should have been that I would miss. Not what the reality was. That I wouldn't feel bad about at all.
Eventually he did sober up, and we have some semblance of a relationship. We talk on the phone 4 or 5 times per year, and see each other 2 or 3 times.
If he would have died during that time we were NC, it might have bothered me a little. But it would have only been the ghost of a memory of what I thought my relationship with my father should have been that I would miss. Not what the reality was. That I wouldn't feel bad about at all.
I went no contact with my father for a number of years. I was pregnant with my son and found communicating with my father to be emotionally stressful and thus bad for the baby.
I got stronger over those two years and got better at setting boundaries and let him back into my life. I find it amusing and sad that I was FORTY-TWO years old when I finally got up enough courage to tell my father to not call me when he was drunk.
The last two years of his life were hard for me, but I stood firm with my boundaries and would clearly tell people what I was and wasn't capable of doing. Most seemed to understand. Although I did have a social worker tell me that I was morally obligated to take my father home after his stay in the psychiatric ward. I said my father would not be able to live with me or my siblings under any circumstances and that we needed to find him alternative housing options. I found it ironic that a social worker didn't understand dysfunctional families.
It all worked out in the end and I was glad that I was able to make some peace with my father before he died.
My sister is another story. She just died by suicide two months ago. We were still communicating with each other, but I had detached years ago because our relationship was difficult for me.
I really thought I would eventually get to a point where I could have her in my life without it causing so much chaos. I'm experiencing a lot of guilt now. I hope that eventually my guilt turns to regret.
I also feel like others are judging me right now. Wondering why I didn't try to help my sister more. Wondering why I felt the need to distance myself. Many of our relatives remember us as being close while growing up.
I miss her so much. I wish I could get another chance.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
I got stronger over those two years and got better at setting boundaries and let him back into my life. I find it amusing and sad that I was FORTY-TWO years old when I finally got up enough courage to tell my father to not call me when he was drunk.
The last two years of his life were hard for me, but I stood firm with my boundaries and would clearly tell people what I was and wasn't capable of doing. Most seemed to understand. Although I did have a social worker tell me that I was morally obligated to take my father home after his stay in the psychiatric ward. I said my father would not be able to live with me or my siblings under any circumstances and that we needed to find him alternative housing options. I found it ironic that a social worker didn't understand dysfunctional families.
It all worked out in the end and I was glad that I was able to make some peace with my father before he died.
My sister is another story. She just died by suicide two months ago. We were still communicating with each other, but I had detached years ago because our relationship was difficult for me.
I really thought I would eventually get to a point where I could have her in my life without it causing so much chaos. I'm experiencing a lot of guilt now. I hope that eventually my guilt turns to regret.
I also feel like others are judging me right now. Wondering why I didn't try to help my sister more. Wondering why I felt the need to distance myself. Many of our relatives remember us as being close while growing up.
I miss her so much. I wish I could get another chance.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
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