4MyBoys

I was reading BrokenTapestry's post about her A's family encouraging her, as the non-primary family member, to stay and work on them and it got me thinking about something I wanted to run by everyone here.

I used to reach out during very ugly parts of my relationship with my STBXAH to his sister who he was closest to. I want to preface this by saying she worked on a hotline as a counselor for abused women. I felt she was my best friend for years. She was one of the only people I would confide in about how ugly the issues in our relationship had gotten because of his drinking. Anyway, I was always encouraged by her to stay and try to make it work even though I told her how he treated me while drinking.

I was wondering if his family always knew that he had issues with anger and drinking? Do families of A's do this? I was only 22 when I met him. He was 28. I feel like they embraced me wholeheartedly thinking I would be great for him but not if he would be good for me. I guess I feel like I was thrown to the sharks by his family because I was young and inexperienced with issues like this. Since the boys and I have been left so high and dry by his family since the divorce started, I guess I am just amazed that looking back and shocked to realize that they basically pawned him off on me to deal with.
Does anyone else feel this happened to them? I am amazed by the layers of this disease.......

4MyBoys

Shellcrusher

I've found that getting or seeking advice from a family member usually gets you a biased answer or response. Your side or his. I've also found direct family members of the diseased suffer from some serious codie issues and probably need some help themselves.

I can have frank discussions with family members about my AW's issues but won't set myself up to be let down by the bias that exists.

Check this out.
I had an impromptu intervention years ago with my AW and her mom. My AW was also a drug user. Her mom would not believe there was a problem. So I gathered evidence that was hiding in the house. I tossed back a bottle of vodka that was refilled with water in front of her..., as well as dumped out 30-40 empty coke baggies, razor blades and snort straws in front of her mom. Yeah, your daughter has a problem...

Here's the kicker. Just the other night, my AW's mom brought up her recent drinking episodes to which I expressed my concern for not only the drinking but potential drug use and her mom promptly and vehemently shot me down.

Oh really?

Javajoetoes

Yes!!
As long as I'm looking after him I'm valued by his mother who will tell me that I don't deserve to be treated like this etc etc but take a step away...........shutdown!!!
One of the things I'm preparing myself for when I finish this relationship is the amnesia and defensiveness plus a lot of talking out of the ass region.
You know what you went through........they are still in denial. That's their problem and has nothing to do with you.
Blessings to you and your boys xxx

4MyBoys

Sometimes I am not sure if it even denial.

I think they don't want to deal with it and maybe are not speaking with me now because maybe all I was a destraction for their brother and now that I am gone as that role I have lost my usefullness as a friend? I am not there to neutralize him any longer. I feel like they knew this was going to happen but it was more a case of better her than us.

4MyBoys

4MyBoys

Shellcrusher,

I don't know what to say but, "I am sorry." That is the definition of denial. And so opposite from how I try to live. My younger sister went through rehab for prescription drugs about 6 years ago and I still watch her for signs of a relapse. Though my mom will defend her when I bring anything up though....

I just read your story a little while ago...very heartbreaking. I have little ones too and that is the hardest part....

4MyBoys

Javajoetoes

It painful to feel betrayed but there is obviously a family problem here which is rooted deep.
Thank your lucky stars that you do not have to talk with them, they are SELFISH!!!
Well done for getting outta there with your boys xxx

LexieCat

I'm sure that happens--being glad someone else is dealing with him. It works the other way around, too. I hear a lot of partners say, "I'm leaving, but first I am going to call his family and make sure they deal with him/help him/bail him out of jail/pick him up from rehab."

And I don't know that in either case, the one "passing the buck" (or, rather, "passing the drunk") is acting with ill will or heartlessly dumping. Nobody wants to deal with the alcoholic, but everyone is afraid of what will happen if SOMEONE isn't looking out for him.

It really just keeps the cycle of enabling going. I'M done, let someone else deal with him. When really, if everyone would leave the alcoholic to his/her own devices, the ball would be in his/her court, where it belongs.

lillamy

It's interesting how it works because AXH's family was always aware he was the black sheep. They were always grateful to me for marrying him and sticking by him for so many years. They never acknowledged that he had addiction issues, just referred to him as "always having been troubled."

Funny thing is, when I left him, they had nothing but spite and bible quotes about how a woman was not to leave her husband unless he had cheated on her to toss my way. Guess death threats don't count huh?

I've had ONE conversation with ONE person in his family in three years. And I can honestly say I don't miss them. I think I was their buffer and excuse for not having to deal with him. (I mean, not that they had any reason to - but they felt like I was responsible for him and let them down by leaving).

Tryingtoletgo3

My STBXAHs family is the complete oposite. The first time I met his dad he whispered in my ear that he would make sure his son left me. His first prison term for an alcohol issue was 10 years before he met me and his last was 6 months beforre he met me and his family has told everyone since we split that they had to rescue him from me because I caused his drinking....They are a truly sick family though. His dad sexually abused him and knows if he is drunk, he will be there to keep being abused and controlled....
It seems that regardless of the way they lean though, most As families have deep rooted issues themselves. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.