HeWhoSleeps

and now I am fighting feelings that my safe space is no longer MY SAFE space. That and it was thrown in my face that he is working on himself and I "do nothing". And how I haven't even posted here in "forever" (which is how I know he found my account and probably has read everything). Part of me wants to shut down and say f**k it. I won't post anything every again, that'll show him. That it's none of his business what I do or don't post or how long in-between. I'm just upset because this was the one place I had. And now I'm trying to fight against the evil, ugly parts of myself that says it is ruined beyond redemption. That anything I write will (at least in my head) be edited somehow because I know he'll be looking. I'm angry, I think. And I'm trying not to remain resentful.
Thanks for just letting me have someplace to get all that out. I just needed to write it down.

Chino

If he has enough time and desire to snoop around then he isn't paying near enough attention to his recovery.

tootsl1

That is a dreadful betrayal, in a space where we hope and expect to feel safe. No one should judge another. I am an alcoholic, I have 100+ days and am proud of that. I keep up with my class here, but a lot have dropped out and haven't posted 'forever' some have unfortunately stumbled, but plenty more, I know for a fact have just drifted off to continue their sober life. It sounds to me that this sad person has nothing better to do. Ignore them, write exactly what you wish to on which ever threads you want. Or don't, if you don't feel like writing anything! Maintain your sobriety your way, do not let this silly person cause you a moment more upset, they are not worth it, and certainly not worth giving up on your path.
Good luck!

interrupted

Sounds like he would much rather focus on all of the problems he perceives you have instead of putting work into himself the way someone who is actually in active recovery would. If he were actually putting in all that work that he says he is then he would know that what you do in your recovery is none of his business.

He's having a hard time owning up to all of the ways that he has failed himself (I count this behavior among them), so he focuses on you to avoid acknowledging his own failure.

I'm sorry that your privacy has been violated like this; I know that it would make me very upset. It would also make me very angry. Maybe it's time to look at creating a boundary with regard to privacy?

zoso77

Addicts have a hard time with boundaries. And it's easier for the addict to shine a light on other people than it is to shine the light on themselves. Don't take the bait. This site is for you, and if he doesn't like it, tough sh*t.

ZoSo

DG0409

My ex read my journal once and I know just how violated I felt about it. He also shared what he read with others and was pissed at me for the things he read!

It's truly awful when somebody violates your privacy... and even worse that he throws what he learned back in your face.

So sorry to hear this happened to you.

I try to protect my privacy a little better now. I go into 'Private Browsing' mode in Firefox when I come to SR so that it isn't part of my history in my browser. Likely your bf went through all of the history on your computer to see what you were looking at. I also set my browser settings so it doesn't remember answers to forms such as my username here. You may want to look at deleting your history or doing something similar. If you need help with that, let me know and I can give some instructions.

And I keep my journal under lock and key now.

If you PM one of the admins here, you may be able to get your username changed.

laurie6781

Yes, PM one of the admins and ask them to change your user name. Then change your password.

From now on, when you leave the site, LOG OUT, clean your browser. There will then be no way for him to know what you are writing and/or know your new user name.

As far as him reading your old posts, it may just have been curiosity, however, his saying what he said, shows to me anyway, that he is NOT in recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

How did he find out about you being on SR? I've known a few people who shared the site with their addicted loved one.....and then regretted it. Others left themselves signed in and the addict in their life found it.

Laurie had some great suggestions. You can PM a moderator and ask them to change your name. Making sure that you are logged out and history is erased on any public or shared computer is a good idea. With a new sign in name, it would be fairly difficult for your bf to absolutely identify you unless you shared some very specific information. If you focus your posts on you rather than focusing your posts on him.....he would have very little to be disgruntled about.

I'm really glad you brought this topic up. It may help someone else.

gentle hugs
ke

OneNightAWeek

That would be a bad thing. I would not be happy if my husband were to read some of what I wrote. They are my feelings and my take on things, my questions and fears, but I would add more adn get more in depth if it was meant for him. I am seeing on here how some things I try to say get lost in translation, and its just hard. But I wouldnt worry about him, or try to figure out why he did this, I mean talk to him if you want to know. And if the relationship is good then that will be enough. And change your username, even use a different site if you have to but dont stop expressing your feelings and looking for the answers you need.

Impurrfect

I know I would feel totally violated if any of my family read my posts here. I do hope you do what Laurie said. You deserve to have a safe place.

I have my laptop password protected (actually, it has a fingerprint scanner and no one can get ON my laptop without my fingerprint). Luckily, my family has no interest on what I post here.

I'd do what Laurie suggested and get back your safe space. If you're anything like me (both an RA and a recovering codie still dealing with A's), I NEED SR to help keep my sanity.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

HeWhoSleeps

Thanks to all who responded to this post. I honestly didn't expect any responses, especially ones which were so kind, especially since I did do this all to myself. Just like Kindeyes said, I don't know why but I shared with my addict about the site helping me back when he was in active addiction. I don't have any reason to think he read it back then, too busy having people film him masturbate for money to check in and track me down I guess. But now that he's pursuing recovery, it seems like he realizes it's difficult and (dare I say it?) sucks. No more drugs as a safety net, as an escape. So it seems like now his perception of "justice" is hyper-active or something. It seems like he sees himself struggling in the sense that he has to constantly work on himself to stay clean and learn a new way of life, so he wants to see where other people have to do it too...or something.
It just burns. In the sense that for almost ten years I was the one constantly reaching out (once I knew I could and actually FOUND people who understood my pain, AMAZING!) and trying vainly to just stay afloat. And now that he is seeking sobriety and I've almost gotten to a place of something resembling peace so that I'm no longer feeling the need to run from group to group with wells of frustration/pain/anger/betrayal/hopelessness/despair....I'm not "doing anything". This is coupled with how I'm so "f*cked up" and obviously need to "talk to someone". For me, and maybe this is just pride sticking it to me, but for me that really effin burns.
I don't know yet about changing my username though I appreciate the advice. It is something I'm going to think about for a little longer.
Thank you guys for being so wonderful. You always are.

eggdogg1234

Sucks that he intruded in your private stuff. Such classic addict (and co-addict) behavior though. Sometimes you have to defend your boundaries and sometimes you just throw your hands up and laugh at the silly games we play. I hope you charge him full price for his transgression.

Ann

It says a lot about someone who would snoop to see what you are up to, it says even more that he would use that information to try to shame you for finding your own recovery. This is not a reflection of "you" but speaks volumes about him. Wanting privacy on a site like this is valid and would be respected by a healthier person.

That said, it's up to you how you want to move forward. Personally, I think you are wise to not hide or run from his prying violation of your space. If you would feel better changing your account name and password, just contact one of the admins here, Anna or Morning Glory can help.

Regardless of what you do now, you have been given a lesson here and can grow and learn from it. That's the gift that comes from troubles like this.

Hugs