Sad, Alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,991
Sad, Alone
I really think this is a big problem.
When I spend time with one of my two girl friends, I feel better, but as soon as I walk in my empty house, I feel terribly sad.
I drank again yesterday. A friend brought me to the hospital for a colonoscopy, and when she dropped me home, I slept all day, then woke up and just couldn't cope with the loneliness, didn't know how to look after myself. I tried calling my brother, but no answer, nor email response either. So, I do what I've done for the past 6 years since widowhood: drink.
I didn't want to wake up today, in floods of tears today.
It's getting worse.
I called a woman today, whose number I was given by contacting WFS. I cannot do AA, I did try, but I'm an atheist, and it was not a good fit. Left her a message.
I'm loosing hope, I'm getting older, sicker, I can't speak to anyone, other than you people about how sad I feel.
Why did it all change? I had felt pretty optimistic when I first stopped drinking, but at about the month mark, my mood worsened, and I eventually gave in.
I know that it's my responsibility to take action, just feel very alone today, and needed to reach out, something I find it difficult to do.
Thanks
When I spend time with one of my two girl friends, I feel better, but as soon as I walk in my empty house, I feel terribly sad.
I drank again yesterday. A friend brought me to the hospital for a colonoscopy, and when she dropped me home, I slept all day, then woke up and just couldn't cope with the loneliness, didn't know how to look after myself. I tried calling my brother, but no answer, nor email response either. So, I do what I've done for the past 6 years since widowhood: drink.
I didn't want to wake up today, in floods of tears today.
It's getting worse.
I called a woman today, whose number I was given by contacting WFS. I cannot do AA, I did try, but I'm an atheist, and it was not a good fit. Left her a message.
I'm loosing hope, I'm getting older, sicker, I can't speak to anyone, other than you people about how sad I feel.
Why did it all change? I had felt pretty optimistic when I first stopped drinking, but at about the month mark, my mood worsened, and I eventually gave in.
I know that it's my responsibility to take action, just feel very alone today, and needed to reach out, something I find it difficult to do.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Have you read "The Chapter to the Agnostic" in the Big Book?
As soon as I was willing to take another look at my "beliefs" (I used to believe that there was no God and alcohol could solve all my problems) then AA began too work.
I had to rethink my "I'd rather die than believe in God" attitude. I knew I was going to die....
All the best.
Bob R (going on 70 yrs old. I know how you feel)
As soon as I was willing to take another look at my "beliefs" (I used to believe that there was no God and alcohol could solve all my problems) then AA began too work.
I had to rethink my "I'd rather die than believe in God" attitude. I knew I was going to die....
All the best.
Bob R (going on 70 yrs old. I know how you feel)
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi Leshar,
Welcome! We are a family here, so you have found a good place to come for support.
I'm sorry that you're feeling alone. I had to learn how to like and love myself in recovery before I wanted to be alone. Before that, I hated the thought of being by myself. I think I was afraid I would see who I really was.
I wonder if there is somewhere in your city where you could volunteer? Volunteering is a great way to meet sober people and to feel good about giving back something to your community.
Welcome! We are a family here, so you have found a good place to come for support.
I'm sorry that you're feeling alone. I had to learn how to like and love myself in recovery before I wanted to be alone. Before that, I hated the thought of being by myself. I think I was afraid I would see who I really was.
I wonder if there is somewhere in your city where you could volunteer? Volunteering is a great way to meet sober people and to feel good about giving back something to your community.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I am sorry that you are sad, and you feel alone. Grief is a powerful emotion that can tear us down into really dark places. The fact that you are aware of your grief, and the fact that you acknowledge that you drink to escape the pain is a step in the right direction. I hope that I am reading this right.
Please know that you are worthy of sobriety, and that you are worthy of love in your life. We all are. Have you thought about talking with a professional about depression? What about joining a group with people that share the same interests as you? Do you like to paint? Do you like Yoga? We are here for you. Posting and reading may help you to feel less alone.
Please know that you are worthy of sobriety, and that you are worthy of love in your life. We all are. Have you thought about talking with a professional about depression? What about joining a group with people that share the same interests as you? Do you like to paint? Do you like Yoga? We are here for you. Posting and reading may help you to feel less alone.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
to the family! You can stop drinking. But you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Drinking will only make you feel worse, not better.
I hope we can support you in your desire to stay sober. 
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Hey there, I know the feeling, I've felt much the same way as an oddball and an atheist, a hillbilly and a hipster, a cynic and a bastion of empathy, a hopelessly anxious adult emo-boy, and at the same time, one who still tries to recall that sense of wonder in the new. I've often felt I don't fit into mold very well, and this has also been true in recovery. I think the biggest thing I've come to find helpful, is that I don't have to...I've been working on my network of people I can talk to, here and from other places in life, and it has helped...as well as looking at those things I loved, but alcohol was getting in the way of: Writing, art, love, enjoying little day to day things.
Best thing is not to beat yourself up over this, but get back up, and carry on...ponder the reasons, but don't make them make you feel bad, even though it's hard not to, especially at first.
Best thing is not to beat yourself up over this, but get back up, and carry on...ponder the reasons, but don't make them make you feel bad, even though it's hard not to, especially at first.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I think I've asked this but did you have grief counselling Leshar?
see your Dr yet?
I think Anna's idea of volunteering is a good one too.
You're an intelligent woman - think about this
I know how it feels to feel weak and powerless, but there are always things you can do to improve your situation.
You need to do something different that what you're doing - that's really the bottom line.
D
see your Dr yet?
I think Anna's idea of volunteering is a good one too.
You're an intelligent woman - think about this
I know how it feels to feel weak and powerless, but there are always things you can do to improve your situation.
You need to do something different that what you're doing - that's really the bottom line.
D
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
This might be a weird suggestion, so apologies if it is.
But have you ever thought about changing your living situation? I live with roommates out of preference rather than financial necessity. I also know a number of people who are older than I am who share duplexes or live in apartment buildings that emphasize a friendly atmosphere.
Just a thought. The combination of widowhood and living alone sounds very isolating, especially if you're retired.
But have you ever thought about changing your living situation? I live with roommates out of preference rather than financial necessity. I also know a number of people who are older than I am who share duplexes or live in apartment buildings that emphasize a friendly atmosphere.
Just a thought. The combination of widowhood and living alone sounds very isolating, especially if you're retired.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,991
Yes, I've seen a grief counsellor, my psychiatrist tells me i need to find ways to get unstuck, and "just don't go the liquor store" he's off for a month, I'm on a waiting list for 3 volunteer organizations, it's not for want of trying, I go to yoga twice a week, I ride my bike.
I really think I've tried many ways to try and engage with ppl since I've been on my own. I'm aware of learned helplessness, and I do think I'm a strong and caring person, but I'm falling more and more into a big pit of despair despite trying.
I just called a girlfriend and told her i wasn't feeling well, and she said, I'm having my supper, hope you feel better soon.
I shovelled in the garden for 2 hours this afternoon, just can't stop crying.
Its 7pm and I'm going to go for a walk.
Thanks everyone, we all struggle.
I really think I've tried many ways to try and engage with ppl since I've been on my own. I'm aware of learned helplessness, and I do think I'm a strong and caring person, but I'm falling more and more into a big pit of despair despite trying.
I just called a girlfriend and told her i wasn't feeling well, and she said, I'm having my supper, hope you feel better soon.
I shovelled in the garden for 2 hours this afternoon, just can't stop crying.
Its 7pm and I'm going to go for a walk.
Thanks everyone, we all struggle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,991
Hi fantail, yes, I plan to sell my house next year, and I will look at the idea you suggest, it's not a weird one at all!
I'm also on a list with the university here if they need "home stays " for short term visiting students/staff, but have not as yet been called upon.
I'm also on a list with the university here if they need "home stays " for short term visiting students/staff, but have not as yet been called upon.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Very cool, some people like their space and I'm a bit hippy-dippy so I didn't want to sound like, "I know, why don't you move to a commune??!"
If you're open to hosting students, you might also want to check out Airbnb.com (rent spare room to travelers for a couple nights), Couchsurfing.com (host travelers for free for a couple nights), and Meetup.com (interest groups... for example, I go to a creative writing session once a week).
They've all got their ups and downs... Airbnb sometimes feels like you're just running a business; Couchsurfing sometimes can feel inconvenient; some Meetup groups are a little socially awkward. But I've met really great people through each of them through trial and error.
If you're open to hosting students, you might also want to check out Airbnb.com (rent spare room to travelers for a couple nights), Couchsurfing.com (host travelers for free for a couple nights), and Meetup.com (interest groups... for example, I go to a creative writing session once a week).
They've all got their ups and downs... Airbnb sometimes feels like you're just running a business; Couchsurfing sometimes can feel inconvenient; some Meetup groups are a little socially awkward. But I've met really great people through each of them through trial and error.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Leshar..so sorry you're sad and blue. I don't know if what I'm about to say is at all helpful. I've been sober only 25 days but somehow, miraculously, my recovery began before I put down the bottle. Earlier this year I was going through a lot of pain over a toxic relationship..and well, my addiction I'm sure..all my addictions. I had taken up jogging to try and distract myself from lonelieness and heartbreak. A song came on...that song "Home" by Phillip Phillipson or whatever his name is...when the lyrics said "I'm going to make this place your home"...something struck me..something almost spiritual I guess. I realized that the battlezone and the emptiness and the loneliness and the place I didn't want to be..was with me. And in that moment I found compassion and love for myself ...because I vowed that the HOME I had to make was within me...that I was all I really had and I my "within" had been extremely inhospitable to ME. I realized I had spent most of my life hating and unaccepting..me. That was the start of something for me...something amazing.
I don't know if that helps you at all..but something in your post..reminded me of where I used to be......
I don't know if that helps you at all..but something in your post..reminded me of where I used to be......
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Posts: 3,991
Hi, Nuudawn,
Thank you so much for your earlier post. I agree with you completely. I had a terribly dysfunctional upbringing, and when I discovered alcohol, first tasted it around age 9 or 10, it made me feel like I could interact with, be with ppl, instead of wanting to hide in my shell. Drank a lot in University, it was what we all did, but I wanted to be accepted, was promiscuous under the influence, just wanted to be cared for, searching for connection.
I don't really know how best to articulate it, but I don't know who I am without alcohol, I don't know how to express my feelings, I don't want to get into disagreements with ppl, I can't say no to so many things.
I don't know how to make a comfortable "home" within myself, I'm constantly trying to escape ME. My emotional growth and development have been stunted by alcohol. I don't even know how to look after myself, I guess I was too dependent on my hb for all those things.
I'm happy for you that you are well on your way to your first month!! So well done!!
And you are very kind to ask how I'm doing today.
I'm very tired, just want to sleep, drank last night, I felt sorry for myself that the friend I reached out to was so dismissive of me.
Angry, lonely, I guess I'm very angry, really, something I don't think I've admitted to myself, I'm a NICE person, you know, not someone who loses it, booze kept it all under wraps, but I'm so angry at me, at my lot in life, at my family who don't seem to give a s**t, but who call on me for support when they need it. Neither of my sibs emailed/called to ask how my colonoscopy went; I had emailed both to let them know it was coming up.
Yes, I'm bloody angry, just coming to recognize this.
Connected with a lady from WFS, there is a meeting July 8th, out of town for me, but I plan to attend.
Hey, thanks again, Nuudawn, you're cool.
BTW, I look a bit like Patsy most mornings these days, 'cept I don't smoke!
Thank you so much for your earlier post. I agree with you completely. I had a terribly dysfunctional upbringing, and when I discovered alcohol, first tasted it around age 9 or 10, it made me feel like I could interact with, be with ppl, instead of wanting to hide in my shell. Drank a lot in University, it was what we all did, but I wanted to be accepted, was promiscuous under the influence, just wanted to be cared for, searching for connection.
I don't really know how best to articulate it, but I don't know who I am without alcohol, I don't know how to express my feelings, I don't want to get into disagreements with ppl, I can't say no to so many things.
I don't know how to make a comfortable "home" within myself, I'm constantly trying to escape ME. My emotional growth and development have been stunted by alcohol. I don't even know how to look after myself, I guess I was too dependent on my hb for all those things.
I'm happy for you that you are well on your way to your first month!! So well done!!
And you are very kind to ask how I'm doing today.
I'm very tired, just want to sleep, drank last night, I felt sorry for myself that the friend I reached out to was so dismissive of me.
Angry, lonely, I guess I'm very angry, really, something I don't think I've admitted to myself, I'm a NICE person, you know, not someone who loses it, booze kept it all under wraps, but I'm so angry at me, at my lot in life, at my family who don't seem to give a s**t, but who call on me for support when they need it. Neither of my sibs emailed/called to ask how my colonoscopy went; I had emailed both to let them know it was coming up.
Yes, I'm bloody angry, just coming to recognize this.
Connected with a lady from WFS, there is a meeting July 8th, out of town for me, but I plan to attend.
Hey, thanks again, Nuudawn, you're cool.
BTW, I look a bit like Patsy most mornings these days, 'cept I don't smoke!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Aww..thank so much for sharing more. And believe me..ya, I was pretty "Patsy" myself..cigarette and all. I completely understand about not having a freaking clue who you are. How could you when you've been running from her? I know I did...most of my life. And you know what's wonderful? You know you are a NICE person. That was one of my first insights too. "Hey, I'm not a bad person!" I care bout people..I want to help and be of purpose and I try not to do anyone harm". That's a huge thing.it's valuable to be caring and nice!!! It's a GREAT place to start. It's sad when we realize that we just didn't bother getting to know ourselves. How do we care about what we don't know or understand? I know that it started to bother me when people asked what I do for fun or what I was interested in..hobbies etc.
I was kind of dumbfounded. "uh..I don't know..I like to drink". Wow..that's pretty one dimensional. It's okay not to know who you are...are you interested in knowing? I know I am interested in knowing you. I love that you shared more of yourself.
Sobriety is an adventure..and to me, mostly that adventure involved a whole lot of getting to know ourselves..finally. You game?
I was kind of dumbfounded. "uh..I don't know..I like to drink". Wow..that's pretty one dimensional. It's okay not to know who you are...are you interested in knowing? I know I am interested in knowing you. I love that you shared more of yourself.
Sobriety is an adventure..and to me, mostly that adventure involved a whole lot of getting to know ourselves..finally. You game?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,991
Hey, Nuudawn, thanks.
How on earth does one begin to know oneself? What I noticed at about 6 weeks alcohol free in May, was that I was anxious, but I now realize that I was angry too, but didn't really want to acknowledge it, I'm not good at expressing anger in a healthy way, how does one do that?
The thing I most want is to be able to look after myself, in every dimension, not run away into booze at the first hurdle, it's what I've done consistently for at least 6 years.
It's like the world is in 3 dimensions, but I'm looking at it from outside, seeing things/ppl only in 2 dimensions. I don't know if I'd call sobriety an adventure, that sounds like fun, and from where I'm standing today, fun it isn't....
How on earth does one begin to know oneself? What I noticed at about 6 weeks alcohol free in May, was that I was anxious, but I now realize that I was angry too, but didn't really want to acknowledge it, I'm not good at expressing anger in a healthy way, how does one do that?
The thing I most want is to be able to look after myself, in every dimension, not run away into booze at the first hurdle, it's what I've done consistently for at least 6 years.
It's like the world is in 3 dimensions, but I'm looking at it from outside, seeing things/ppl only in 2 dimensions. I don't know if I'd call sobriety an adventure, that sounds like fun, and from where I'm standing today, fun it isn't....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
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You get to know yourself like you get to know anyone. You listen..you ask questions..you spend time with yourself..you exercise patience, you ponder their thoughts and look at things from different angles..you seek to understand.
You sober up and allow your mind to clear and heal. You listen to your inner workings rather than inebriate them. You seek to hear your OWN voice..the kind one...you observe your thoughts and know that you probably internalized some negative authority type who either told you or made you feel..you weren't enough...just as you are.
You are enough...you are worth getting to know. I know that I came from a family that judged and criticized everyone and everything. There was a strong male presence that really had little respect for women other than they should look pretty and not be fat...and dress well..and shut the "eff" up on matters of importance. Don't whine, don't cry, don't express yourself. Be strong, be self sufficient ..don't ask anybody for help..cuz that's weak! NO..what's weak is thinking we don't need other people. What's weak is not showing people who you are (warts and all)...not showing.
up for life.
I know that when I went through something I couldn't deal with...I didn't get help..I got drunk every night cuz I couldn't deal with the pain. I wish I had sought help in counselling or a support group. I wish I knew I didn't have to suck it up..and be alone.
You sober up and allow your mind to clear and heal. You listen to your inner workings rather than inebriate them. You seek to hear your OWN voice..the kind one...you observe your thoughts and know that you probably internalized some negative authority type who either told you or made you feel..you weren't enough...just as you are.
You are enough...you are worth getting to know. I know that I came from a family that judged and criticized everyone and everything. There was a strong male presence that really had little respect for women other than they should look pretty and not be fat...and dress well..and shut the "eff" up on matters of importance. Don't whine, don't cry, don't express yourself. Be strong, be self sufficient ..don't ask anybody for help..cuz that's weak! NO..what's weak is thinking we don't need other people. What's weak is not showing people who you are (warts and all)...not showing.
up for life.
I know that when I went through something I couldn't deal with...I didn't get help..I got drunk every night cuz I couldn't deal with the pain. I wish I had sought help in counselling or a support group. I wish I knew I didn't have to suck it up..and be alone.
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