marriedadrunk

My husband quit drinking almost exactly 2 months ago after a seizure, which was his rock bottom. I hope. We have had a few fights and a few whiny baby episodes, but things are improving. He's even OFFERING to help around the house now, etc. He's been going to daily AA meetings and has a sponser who he talks to daily. I really don't ask him any details on that & we really haven't talked too in depth over what happened yet. He seems happier, and he says he feels good, the best he's felt in 10 years. He still stays up really late, which freaks me out a little, because I think he did most of his drinking after I went to bed, so I never really knew how bad it had gotten. But when he comes to bed, he doesn't snore as bad now, so I'm confident that he's not sneaking anything after I go to bed. I almost feel like this has been too easy for him & I'm waiting for it to blow up & I'm terrified of that. Am I crazy to think this way, or should I just roll with it & not worry so much? I'm a horrible worrier.
Let me also add that he's a very relaxed, easy going guy. He was never abusive or mean to me or the kids. Just withdrawn while he was drinking. I suppose it might just be his personality? Not sure.
And I know I will be asked, no, I haven't gotten to an al anon meeting yet, but I have been reading on this site for the past week or so & I've learned a lot. I know I need to get to some meetings, but I still feel scared & not ready.

LexieCat

I would get to those meetings if I were you. What is it you are afraid of? Most people find it a huge relief and enjoy meetings. I made great friends in Al-Anon--people I didn't have to hide stuff from.

You can't judge the quality of his recovery efforts by how he acts. If he is going to daily meetings and working with a sponsor, it makes a huge difference. So he actually MAY be doing as great as he says.

Don't you deserve the same?

Lifewillgetbet

Seems like he is on the rite track. Seizures are a real eye opener. I have had a few, but was convinced they were not due to alcohol, until a neurologist told me otherwise. If I did not have a seizure I would have just continued on my path of destruction.
Good for him. I work the AA steps as well. People say the same about me, like it does not look like "not" drinking bothers me and it looks like I have this alcoholism disease beat. It really is not easy at all. And I will never have it beat completely. I have relapsed after a full year of sobriety . I consider my alcoholism a little monster that likes to peak its head out once and awhile. I continually have to slam the door on it. But it does get easier over time.

honeypig

If you haven't already, check this out regarding Alanon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

There is really nothing to be scared about--you don't have to talk or do ANYTHING until you feel ready. In the time I've been on this site, I've seen posts from a number of people who have gone to AA or Alanon for the first time and pretty uniformly, they are all VERY glad they went. They felt welcomed and understood and were impressed w/the warmth of the other members.

Not to say Alanon is the only way, but it's a darn good start.

As for the rest of your post, I can only tell you what has happened to me in regards to this. I felt the same as you do, it seemed too easy, like "why did you fight me so hard on this when it apparently is no big deal?" Yes, it was a suspicious situation. However, it is not my place to worry about HIS stuff, and this is most assuredly HIS stuff.

Later I found out that for quite some time, he was going to meetings, talking to his sponsor, etc., and still drinking. Then he actually DID get sober for almost a month, then had a slip for a few days (that I found out about only after the fact) and now, so far as I know, he is sober again. In each instance he told me what had happened--as I said, I refuse to follow him around or try to play detective in any way. Since he was a very secret drinker also, I do try to observe but not react, to keep a reality check but not to control. I really, really do my best to keep the focus on ME and where I want to go.

Don't know if you found any help in that, but it's all I have to offer now....best wishes!

marriedadrunk

Yeah. They told us in the ER that it was alcohol withdrawal that caused it, so there was never a question. It was a slap in the face to me, I had no clue how bad it was. Which I guess I'm lucky I can say that, after reading a lot of other stories here. The seizure truly was a blessing in disguise. He said if that had not happened, he would have kept drinking, same as you.
Thanks so much. I know it's got to be hard for him, but he's almost making it look too easy & so I get suspicious.

soberlicious

Well for some of us, being done means being done. Not everyone who ends their addiction does so with a lifetime of struggling. That's a myth.

LexieCat

Very true. I know when *I* was done, I was done. No internal angst about it, at all. Of course, learning to live sober was sometimes a challenge, but I never considered going back to drinking as an option.

HopefulinFLA

You're right to be aware that it might not last and be mentally prepared for it. Many substance abusers relapse more than once. What you shouldn't do is drive your self nuts over it. Let's face it, there are much worse things that could happen at any given moment and you aren't obsessing about them, right?

I used to feel like this alot (sometimes still do, old habits are hard to kick). I started reading a blog written by a woman in Al-Anon. It's called "Through and Al-Anon Filter". She's been sharing her experiences, insights, and perspectives for years now. I have found it all very helpful in putting things in perspective and being more relaxed. I'd give you the link, but I'm too new to this forum, and it won't let me. But if you google it, you will find it.

It's good to let go of the things we have no control over. I think that's why we obsess in the first place, we are lacking control.

Best of luck to you both! Hang in there.

dandylion

marriedadrunk, really, it is very early in the game--2 months---a LOT for him, but a mere blip in the big picture. NO ONE can tell you what will happen, for sure.

Whatever happens, you have to be prepared to deal with it, don't you? How can you prepare yourself for any eventuality?

When you think about it--wringing your hands in worry is the worst possible coping mechanism that I can think of. Concern for reality is different from passive worry. Passively worrying will just let his alcoholism determine your fate. You lose control over your life.

Take back your power and the whole world will look different.

We will walk with you. You are not alone

dandylion

marriedadrunk

Thanks for all the responses. I really hope this is it.

BlueSkies1

Too easy for him...
I would ask myself this--am I qualified to determine how difficult it should be for another person to stop drinking?
I completely understand what you are saying and feeling, I have been there, done that. I also have come to realize that I am not the authority on somebody else's issues. That lightens my load. I don't have to assess how difficult it is, nor easy, for another person to do anything. Only they have the answer to that, and there are a lot of gray areas with individuals.

Perhaps you are future tripping--reading bad stories about relapses and then going with the educated guess that he will relapse and that it will be more awful than ever? It's educated as far as statistics go...but it's still a guess, because he's an individual who alone has the power to decide where his rock bottom is.

Breathe deeply, relax. You might as well relax because you have no control over the future of this, only he does.
Being powerless is scary. It's also liberating!

honeypig

I have certainly found this to be true!!!

upandup

Can you perhaps build up confidence in yourself that if he relapses you can handle it? I also wondering about the seizure - that was probably not easy to live through, for everyone involved. A life threatening experience is often enough to scare someone straight! Not to make this all about him, but that he goes to meetings and has a sponsor is a good start. Now you can work on building your own trust and strength in yourself.

marriedadrunk

Upandup,I don't know what I would do if he relapsed. I would like to think that I would have the courage to leave, but my family is all out of state & the financial bind that he got us into certainly doesn't help either. I'm still not really sure if the trust can ever be repaired at this point, but I'm trying to take it day by day & not make any big decision right nows, as was suggested to me in prior posts. Just that alone has me feeling a lot better. I'm trying to roll along. I want to ask him to go to counseling with me, but I can't even bring up the courage to ask him. I don't know why. I feel like he thinks everything is fine, ya know? The way he sees is is that he saved his life and his marriage/family. Hopefully that's all he needs to keep him on the straight & narrow, but I'm not on the same page with him yet.

dandylion

marriedadrunk, have you considered going to alanon for support and guidence? It sounds like you are still being very controlled by his disease and you are getting buried under the fears. It is so draining to walk on eggshells.

As far as counseling--at this point, it would be better for you to have an individual counselor for yourself--because YOU need the support. This is my take on it.

dandylion

marriedadrunk

Dandylion I have. I need to. I just haven't yet. I have a friend who will go with me & I just need to go. Thanks.

wolfpackfan45

Marriedadrunk, going to a meeting will be the best thing you can do. I too am a worrier. My alcoholic is my 22 year old son. He's almost 8 months sober, and he's also made it look easy. The first few weeks weren't all that great, but after that it's been so easy that it almost scares me too. I worried about relapse constantly, and I found that stories about relapse and withdrawals, etc made it even worse. I ended up realizing I couldn't go on living my life this way. I started going to meeting, saw a therapist, and worked my program. It's helped immensely. My son's bottom was a trip to the ER in an ambulance. When we brought him home he begged us for help and said he'd do anything to get better. And he has. Is relapse possible? Of course. But I've learned that we can all only live our life one day at a time. I could get hit and killed in the grocery store parking lot tomorrow too. Who knows? We can't worry about what MAY happen in the future. And what if he doesn't relapse? And I spend the next 20 years worrying about something that never happens. You can't live like that. We sent our son back to college 2 months after he detoxed. He wanted to go back, his therapist , Dr. and AA sponsor thought he was ready, so we let go. He shares an apt with his former fraternity brother. What could we do? He told us this "If I want to drink, I can go to any store and buy alcohol. This is up to me." And he's right. So far, so good. None of us can control the alcoholism. I wish we could, but we can't. I used to obsess when he left our house to go to an AA meeting. What if he was stopping to get a beer? Then I realized there was nothing I could do. So when your husband stays up late, you go on to bed and sleep. Turn it over to your Higher Power if you have one ,and try to relax. I put my son in God's hands and say the serenity prayer when I start to worry.If you're still scared to go to a face to face Al Anon meeting, then if you google In the Rooms you'll get the online AA site. They have online AA meetings on there that you can access from your computer. I've sat in on some. And if you go to a face to face meeting, please try to go back for more. They recommend you attend at least 6 meetings before you decided whether it's for you or not. It takes time to get better.

SecondMilitia

Though I am new here, I would suggest to move at a comfortable pace. Sounds like your husband is turning a new leaf, which is good, but hopefully he keeps this up. Ultimately, it is up to you to determine which road you'll eventually take since no one can truly tell you which is the best path for you, but you. From my experience, I've learned that you can still enjoy the wonderful time of your husband's recovery, but always be prepared for the worst. After experiencing his drunken bouts, it would only be smart to do so (in my opinion.) Either way, whatever you decide I support you one hundred...no one thousand percent!

marriedadrunk

Thanks, everybody.