Ok explain the tools again........
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
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Ok explain the tools again........
Ok, I am feeling a bit better today. And I want to give this detachment thing and honest try. Can anyone explain to me the tools to use to detach? I am looking for specifics. THe following is a list of situations, what actions can I take that would be positive detaching.
1. I walk in the door and realize that he has been drinking. Do I ignor him and dont speak to him for the evening? Do I pretend that nothing is wrong and keep my distance?
2. I walk in the door and realize he is not home. Dinner is not started, the dog needs to be taken care of, and the house is a mess. Then he comes home a couple of hours later, drunk. Do I ask him where he has been (like I dont know)? Do I ignor the situation? Do I start yelling because he is irresponsible?
3. It's Sunday afternoon, he decides to go out riding his motercycle, which means a trip to the biker bar. DO I say have a great time? Do I ignor the situation? DO I yell because he is being irresponsible?
You get the idea. How do I detach from his irresponsible behavior? How do I accept that this is just the way it is, like it or not? I guess the only choices I see is to pretend the problem is not there and I am not mad about it. Or to rant and rave about how it is all unfair, which solves nothing. I know I can also leave the relationship. But assuming that I have decided to stay. How do I handle this? thanks
1. I walk in the door and realize that he has been drinking. Do I ignor him and dont speak to him for the evening? Do I pretend that nothing is wrong and keep my distance?
2. I walk in the door and realize he is not home. Dinner is not started, the dog needs to be taken care of, and the house is a mess. Then he comes home a couple of hours later, drunk. Do I ask him where he has been (like I dont know)? Do I ignor the situation? Do I start yelling because he is irresponsible?
3. It's Sunday afternoon, he decides to go out riding his motercycle, which means a trip to the biker bar. DO I say have a great time? Do I ignor the situation? DO I yell because he is being irresponsible?
You get the idea. How do I detach from his irresponsible behavior? How do I accept that this is just the way it is, like it or not? I guess the only choices I see is to pretend the problem is not there and I am not mad about it. Or to rant and rave about how it is all unfair, which solves nothing. I know I can also leave the relationship. But assuming that I have decided to stay. How do I handle this? thanks
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Join Date: Aug 2001
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Hi Rose.
Pretense is useless. You know what he's up to and he knows you know. Trouble with all of your scenarios is that YOU are angry in all of them . You have chosen to stay with a drinker. You might as well accept that there are certain behaviors that go along with that. You don't like them and don't understand why he can't see how vile they are... why he doesn't WANT to change. But he doesn't, and you can't make him. If you choose him... you choose all of him.
Try finding ways to get wrapped up in youself, instead of what he's doing.
Hugs,
Smoke
Pretense is useless. You know what he's up to and he knows you know. Trouble with all of your scenarios is that YOU are angry in all of them . You have chosen to stay with a drinker. You might as well accept that there are certain behaviors that go along with that. You don't like them and don't understand why he can't see how vile they are... why he doesn't WANT to change. But he doesn't, and you can't make him. If you choose him... you choose all of him.
Try finding ways to get wrapped up in youself, instead of what he's doing.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
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Smoke, I agree, I choose all of him. And I do have many interests and activities. "Find ways to get wrapped up in myself instead of his activities." I have to be home sometime, and when I am home I should ignore him when he is doing his "behavors". Redirect my attention on me by doing what? Do I sound stupid? This is what I have trouble with, how do you ignor the elephant in the living room?
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Go buy a game boy color and get a Zelda game. Hours of fun. You can space out on Tetrus too. Rent movies. Gardening is great. Plant bulbs. Paint your bathroom a bright color. I taught myself how to make web pages. That takes hours and you can be creative. Make new pillows for your couch.
Just some ideas
Just some ideas
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Join Date: Aug 2001
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Ignore it, no. You can't. There is an elephant in the living room. But you don't get anywhere being mad at the elephant. The unforunate fact of living in a house with an elephant is that you have to keep walking around it. That's not ignoring it. It's acknowledging and adapting. Ignoring it would be the awful bruises and bumps you would get if you pretended it wasn't there and tried to walk through it.
Letting go takes practice and patience. Sometimes you have to force yourself into an activity that distracts you from the elephant. It gets easier. It's you that's giving the elephant it's importance.
Smoke
Letting go takes practice and patience. Sometimes you have to force yourself into an activity that distracts you from the elephant. It gets easier. It's you that's giving the elephant it's importance.
Smoke
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I think I understand better. Yes it is me that is givng the elephant its importance. This anology helps me alot, when I get stuck at home I can think of the elephant..and try not to walk into it and get bruises. Walk around and get on with my life. Its summer now, go outside and play in the garden. Thanks, this really helped.
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Join Date: Apr 2002
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Originally posted by Morning Glory:
<BGSOUND SRC="http://www.neurotoxin.net/~jsbehr/WAVS_VIDS/SoundFX/Animals/Elephants/Elephant3.wav">
[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 18, 2002).]
<BGSOUND SRC="http://www.neurotoxin.net/~jsbehr/WAVS_VIDS/SoundFX/Animals/Elephants/Elephant3.wav">
[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 18, 2002).]
Morning Glory!.......hey he ( my elephant) is upstairs...I can hear him too! I guess it's true we can run but we just can't hide from those we decide to stay with.Kitty
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