Is it the truth?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Is it the truth?
Is it true that when someone is drunk they always tell the truth? I read another post where someone admitted that they made things up for sport when they were drunk or high. Is that true? I always thought that was the one time I could know that the BS coming out of Mr. Wonderful's mouth was his true feelings. God, I'm really more screwed up than I thought I was. So much information on this site that I don't know where to turn. I'm greatful for it all and for this site tho. It has helped me so much in the last couple of days. I know that this time around I wont go back to my sleep state and state of utter oblivion to what's going on around me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, most stuff coming out of a drunk's mouth is b.s. Occasionally they may tell the truth, but it's almost by accident if they do.
Sometimes they will say things to get you to feel sorry for them, sometimes they will say stuff to provoke you so they can blame their drinking on your reaction, sometimes there is little explanation for why they say the things they do.
Sometimes they will say things to get you to feel sorry for them, sometimes they will say stuff to provoke you so they can blame their drinking on your reaction, sometimes there is little explanation for why they say the things they do.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
fedup, in the years since I admitted my husband was an alcoholic, I've read a lot about alcoholism -- some of it useful, some of it not. I have no idea where this particular thought comes from, but I believe it's a non-AA book about alcoholics?
Anyway -- the thought was this: Alcoholism takes over a person step by step. It's not like one day they're normal and then BAM! they're a raving alcoholic. So in that process, early on, they joke about drinking too much and even joke about "boy I'd better watch it so I don't turn into an alcoholic" and stuff like that. Somewhere, they know that they're on dangerous ground. But the alcoholism -- the disease -- is like a demon that takes over and demands its way. So the person, on the one hand, may realize they're drinking too much, but the disease whispers to them that they're OK and whoever questions their drinking is just boring or jealous or something.
Step by step, the alcoholic creates a script for his/her life. You can see this when you talk to them about their past -- in the case of my AXH, he always played the part of the victim. His parents, his bosses, his former girlfriends, his friends, his coworkers, the cashier in the grocery store, the neighbor with the dog -- they all mistreated him somehow. It's like every story he ever told me, he was the victim and someone else was mean to him.
This is a very longwinded way to get to my point: Alcoholics lie -- but a lot of times, they're not aware that they're lying. They've created such a repeat tape loop script inside their heads that they're playing over and over again so much that they actually believe it to be the truth.
So when he says hurtful things when he's drunk -- it may be deliberately hurtful things that he knows are not true. But it may also be stories he has made up because they fit into his script.
My AXH's story includes how I cheated on him for a decade before leaving him (with a person I hadn't seen for 25 years). It includes my leaving him coming completely out of thin air (despite the fact that he threatened to kill me and our children, and that's why I left). It includes me trying at every step of the way to alienate him from our children (he's been physically abusive to them, but that doesn't exist in his universe).
The saddest part is that he believes all of that. He believes it enough that his therapist in rehab, his current therapist, and our children's former psychiatrist believed him.
Bottom line? You know the truth. You know who you are. He may say all kinds of things about you -- including that "if it weren't for you being such a [insert suitable insult here], I wouldn't have to drink" and "has it ever occurred to you that I didn't need to drink before I met you?" and things like that. You'll never be able to convince him that he's not telling the truth as long as he's actively drinking.
It's the disease talking. Alcoholism eats brains and turns people into zombies. And unless they want to fight and get into rehab, zombies they will remain. And all we who love(d) them can do is take care of ourselves the best way we know how.
Sorry for the essay. It's a sh*tty situation to be in, loving an addict. But you're among friends here. We've all been there. Some of us on both sides. It's painful to live with, painful to break out of, but it's not hopeless.
Anyway -- the thought was this: Alcoholism takes over a person step by step. It's not like one day they're normal and then BAM! they're a raving alcoholic. So in that process, early on, they joke about drinking too much and even joke about "boy I'd better watch it so I don't turn into an alcoholic" and stuff like that. Somewhere, they know that they're on dangerous ground. But the alcoholism -- the disease -- is like a demon that takes over and demands its way. So the person, on the one hand, may realize they're drinking too much, but the disease whispers to them that they're OK and whoever questions their drinking is just boring or jealous or something.
Step by step, the alcoholic creates a script for his/her life. You can see this when you talk to them about their past -- in the case of my AXH, he always played the part of the victim. His parents, his bosses, his former girlfriends, his friends, his coworkers, the cashier in the grocery store, the neighbor with the dog -- they all mistreated him somehow. It's like every story he ever told me, he was the victim and someone else was mean to him.
This is a very longwinded way to get to my point: Alcoholics lie -- but a lot of times, they're not aware that they're lying. They've created such a repeat tape loop script inside their heads that they're playing over and over again so much that they actually believe it to be the truth.
So when he says hurtful things when he's drunk -- it may be deliberately hurtful things that he knows are not true. But it may also be stories he has made up because they fit into his script.
My AXH's story includes how I cheated on him for a decade before leaving him (with a person I hadn't seen for 25 years). It includes my leaving him coming completely out of thin air (despite the fact that he threatened to kill me and our children, and that's why I left). It includes me trying at every step of the way to alienate him from our children (he's been physically abusive to them, but that doesn't exist in his universe).
The saddest part is that he believes all of that. He believes it enough that his therapist in rehab, his current therapist, and our children's former psychiatrist believed him.
Bottom line? You know the truth. You know who you are. He may say all kinds of things about you -- including that "if it weren't for you being such a [insert suitable insult here], I wouldn't have to drink" and "has it ever occurred to you that I didn't need to drink before I met you?" and things like that. You'll never be able to convince him that he's not telling the truth as long as he's actively drinking.
It's the disease talking. Alcoholism eats brains and turns people into zombies. And unless they want to fight and get into rehab, zombies they will remain. And all we who love(d) them can do is take care of ourselves the best way we know how.
Sorry for the essay. It's a sh*tty situation to be in, loving an addict. But you're among friends here. We've all been there. Some of us on both sides. It's painful to live with, painful to break out of, but it's not hopeless.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Many are chronic liars.
So bad in our case, upon return from rehab we called Mrs. Hammer's behavior 100 Lies in 100 Days. One day I sat through an open AA meeting and one guy explained (crying) how he could just not stop lying even after he came into AA. Said he just compulsively lied for the first 90 days.
Whether you want to look at this as a Spiritual Thing or a Biological Brain Condition >>> First Evidence Of Brain Abnormalities Found In Pathological Liars what you are experiencing is very real and not unusual.
So bad in our case, upon return from rehab we called Mrs. Hammer's behavior 100 Lies in 100 Days. One day I sat through an open AA meeting and one guy explained (crying) how he could just not stop lying even after he came into AA. Said he just compulsively lied for the first 90 days.
Whether you want to look at this as a Spiritual Thing or a Biological Brain Condition >>> First Evidence Of Brain Abnormalities Found In Pathological Liars what you are experiencing is very real and not unusual.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
My AF said that many contradictions towards the end of our friendship (when she was both sober & drunk) that I had no idea what was the truth or not. She ended up pushing me away, not by asking me to leave her alone, but by being horrible to me. Even then it was all my 'silly fault'. In her final contact with me, when she answered some questions I had, she lied about things and some stuff completely made up.
Alcoholics lie, figuring out which part are lies and which part are not, is next to impossible. I've given up with that.
Alcoholics lie, figuring out which part are lies and which part are not, is next to impossible. I've given up with that.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
All my drinking years I was a LIAR. Nothing that came out of my mouth was truth.
I did find recovery, and then had to figure out what my reality really is, and figure out what I had said and to whom. Talk about a LONG 4th step!
I do not believe that any alcoholic tells the truth while drinking, because the 'truth' is what I/they are NUMBING themselves to get away from.
Okay so you live with, are related to, know an alcoholic. You are married to, the mother of, the sibling of, the child of an alcoholic, what do you do:
1) ACCEPT that the person is an alcoholic and will lie to protect their drinking.
2) FIND help for YOU. Be it private counseling, Alanon, or something else.
3) WORK on you. This will be a lifelong project.
4) MOVE on with your life.
I know it sounds simple put like that, and I know it is NOT simple. But breaking it down to 4 simple steps can help bring one into some sort of focus. Of course, each step has some 'sub steps', lol but by just sitting down and starting to work on step 1 can be a big benefit to one's self. ACCEPTING that the loved one is an alcoholic. Whew that was hard and add to that, I CANNOT FIX the alcoholic. Well Hell then what was I here for?
With the acceptance came the fact, FOR ME, that I was here to be the best damn me I could be, that this was my life, and I could have dreams and then work on those dreams FOR ME. As I started to do this, things that I had dreamed about FOR ME, my attitude and then my actions started to change.
ie a long time ago I got into rescuing and fostering of various breeds of canines. First Malamutes, then Wolf Dogs, and now Malinois. In the time of all of this happening I have not only met but garnered some really wonderful people as friends, true friends. I have mentioned that I am working toward getting my IRF pilots license. Well this is a long and expensive process. One of the beautiful people I met is a wonderful pilot and his wife. Not only does this man, put fly time on his plane (every hundred hours is an expensive maintenance check and at 500 hours an overhaul of all parts on the plane) he pays for the fuel to bring rescue dogs to their foster and/or fur ever homes. Knowing how expensive the lessons are, and knowing I am on a fixed income, this man (who is licensed to teach) has been giving me an hour a week, free. And has stated that when I am ready to take my 'night' 300 mile solo using instruments that I may use his plane. Go figure.
My point is I guess that as we work on those 4 'simple' steps which are for US, some great things start to happen in our lives, sometimes at first we are not even aware of it, but then one day, we will get a bit of a kick in the butt and realize it is QUIET, our life is not so full of chaos and we are getting bits of peace and serenity as we go along.
All of the above to say, that for me, to survive the alcoholic/addicts in my life I had to take the focus, my eyes, off of the alcoholic/addict and put the focus, my eyes, BACK ON ME.
Hope this made sense to some of you.
Love and hugs,
I did find recovery, and then had to figure out what my reality really is, and figure out what I had said and to whom. Talk about a LONG 4th step!
I do not believe that any alcoholic tells the truth while drinking, because the 'truth' is what I/they are NUMBING themselves to get away from.
Okay so you live with, are related to, know an alcoholic. You are married to, the mother of, the sibling of, the child of an alcoholic, what do you do:
1) ACCEPT that the person is an alcoholic and will lie to protect their drinking.
2) FIND help for YOU. Be it private counseling, Alanon, or something else.
3) WORK on you. This will be a lifelong project.
4) MOVE on with your life.
I know it sounds simple put like that, and I know it is NOT simple. But breaking it down to 4 simple steps can help bring one into some sort of focus. Of course, each step has some 'sub steps', lol but by just sitting down and starting to work on step 1 can be a big benefit to one's self. ACCEPTING that the loved one is an alcoholic. Whew that was hard and add to that, I CANNOT FIX the alcoholic. Well Hell then what was I here for?
With the acceptance came the fact, FOR ME, that I was here to be the best damn me I could be, that this was my life, and I could have dreams and then work on those dreams FOR ME. As I started to do this, things that I had dreamed about FOR ME, my attitude and then my actions started to change.
ie a long time ago I got into rescuing and fostering of various breeds of canines. First Malamutes, then Wolf Dogs, and now Malinois. In the time of all of this happening I have not only met but garnered some really wonderful people as friends, true friends. I have mentioned that I am working toward getting my IRF pilots license. Well this is a long and expensive process. One of the beautiful people I met is a wonderful pilot and his wife. Not only does this man, put fly time on his plane (every hundred hours is an expensive maintenance check and at 500 hours an overhaul of all parts on the plane) he pays for the fuel to bring rescue dogs to their foster and/or fur ever homes. Knowing how expensive the lessons are, and knowing I am on a fixed income, this man (who is licensed to teach) has been giving me an hour a week, free. And has stated that when I am ready to take my 'night' 300 mile solo using instruments that I may use his plane. Go figure.
My point is I guess that as we work on those 4 'simple' steps which are for US, some great things start to happen in our lives, sometimes at first we are not even aware of it, but then one day, we will get a bit of a kick in the butt and realize it is QUIET, our life is not so full of chaos and we are getting bits of peace and serenity as we go along.
All of the above to say, that for me, to survive the alcoholic/addicts in my life I had to take the focus, my eyes, off of the alcoholic/addict and put the focus, my eyes, BACK ON ME.
Hope this made sense to some of you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
My ex used to talk to me all the time about his brother's wife and the way she did not get along with his father. He told me in detail about everything his SIL did to irritate his father, and how that was the reason his parents never saw his brother. He complained about being put in the middle of the situation. Each time he saw his family, this subject would come up. It was one of the few personal things my ex actually seemed to enjoy talking about.
He also told me numerous times that neither of his parents drank, and that he just couldn't understand where his alcoholism came from.
Anyway, when I finally spoke to my ex's brother about my concern over his drinking and suicide threat (I had never met the brother or anyone else in my ex's family), his brother told me that he was not surprised that my ex had a problem with alcohol because both of his parents were alcoholics. He also told me he had been in a huge fight with his parents about their refusal not to drink around his kids, and that that was why he didn't see them anymore.
So essentially my ex lied to me about the whole situation. It wasn't one small lie in response to my questioning him about it. It's not like I asked him why his brother never saw his parents, and he just BS'd me an answer one time. No, this was something he volunteered and wanted to discuss often, like he truly needed to process it. It was an elaborate story he created and obviously really believed on some level. Yet it was not the truth.
Is that lying or psychosis? I have no idea.
He also told me numerous times that neither of his parents drank, and that he just couldn't understand where his alcoholism came from.
Anyway, when I finally spoke to my ex's brother about my concern over his drinking and suicide threat (I had never met the brother or anyone else in my ex's family), his brother told me that he was not surprised that my ex had a problem with alcohol because both of his parents were alcoholics. He also told me he had been in a huge fight with his parents about their refusal not to drink around his kids, and that that was why he didn't see them anymore.
So essentially my ex lied to me about the whole situation. It wasn't one small lie in response to my questioning him about it. It's not like I asked him why his brother never saw his parents, and he just BS'd me an answer one time. No, this was something he volunteered and wanted to discuss often, like he truly needed to process it. It was an elaborate story he created and obviously really believed on some level. Yet it was not the truth.
Is that lying or psychosis? I have no idea.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
With my STBXAW she would black out so frequently that she would have to make up things to fill the void. It was horrifying how she was incapable of telling the truth, especially while drinking. Some of the things she said were very obviously lies while some you'd have to really think about. Some were very hurtful and others really made you scratch your head. It got so for the last year we were together, I just could not believe anything she said. It didn't start out that way, it kinda creep-ed in slowly. I think that's what really messed with my head. I felt like I was slowly going insane, and I kind of was. It's part of their disease to get us to play along, and boy did I play!
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