Don't know what to do with my mom....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Lakeside CA
Posts: 2
Don't know what to do with my mom....
Hi everyone!
I am new here and thought I would share my experience. I am a daughter to two addicted parents. My father passed away in November 2010 of a overdose, and my mom just recently went back into rehab after being sober for 10 years. She has been smoking Oxycodone, Heroine, doing cocaine, and marijuana. I fortunately have a amazing step-father who is a amazing man.
I need help with how to move forward. I am very angry and resentful towards my mom for what she has done to herself and her family. She was on drugs when my sister and I were little and got clean and now is doing it again to my younger siblings (15 & 11) and her grandchildren.
I am getting married in August and she will be getting out of rehab the weekend before my wedding (so convenient) and I am having very mixed emotions on if I want her to attend the wedding or not. For the last five years her temperament has been severely erratic and she has put a dent in her relationship with me, my fiancé, and our 4 year old daughter because of her moods and actions.
I know she is my mom and she is trying to get better but it is really hard for me to move on AGAIN from this and to at as if everything is ok. I went to a counseling session with her recently and told her if she does not take her rehab seriously she will no longer be a part of me and my families life because I can not have a unstable person around my family and especially my children. But I honestly don't even know how to move on with a relationship with her even if she does become sober again. Has anyone else been through a situation similar to this or have any advice?
I am new here and thought I would share my experience. I am a daughter to two addicted parents. My father passed away in November 2010 of a overdose, and my mom just recently went back into rehab after being sober for 10 years. She has been smoking Oxycodone, Heroine, doing cocaine, and marijuana. I fortunately have a amazing step-father who is a amazing man.
I need help with how to move forward. I am very angry and resentful towards my mom for what she has done to herself and her family. She was on drugs when my sister and I were little and got clean and now is doing it again to my younger siblings (15 & 11) and her grandchildren.
I am getting married in August and she will be getting out of rehab the weekend before my wedding (so convenient) and I am having very mixed emotions on if I want her to attend the wedding or not. For the last five years her temperament has been severely erratic and she has put a dent in her relationship with me, my fiancé, and our 4 year old daughter because of her moods and actions.
I know she is my mom and she is trying to get better but it is really hard for me to move on AGAIN from this and to at as if everything is ok. I went to a counseling session with her recently and told her if she does not take her rehab seriously she will no longer be a part of me and my families life because I can not have a unstable person around my family and especially my children. But I honestly don't even know how to move on with a relationship with her even if she does become sober again. Has anyone else been through a situation similar to this or have any advice?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
You are not under any obligation to have your mother at your wedding. If it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. It is your day to enjoy in peace.
If you told your mother rehab or family, do you mean this? What does she bring to the table for your relationship? Unfortunately, she's an addict.
I actually had a really hard relationship with my mother. She wasn't on drugs, but she was a very selfish woman and basically abandoned me in my teen years. I was very angry with her to the point of not talking to her for a year. When I had a baby I tried, but had huge boundaries. Then, my world fell apart and she was there for me in a way i never knew she could! My point, is that it was very painful. But, finally my anger is gone. It takes time. Things changed and she was there when I needed her.
Time will tell if your mother will choose to recover, but you should surround yourself with healthy. I would like nothing more than my xah to be apart of our sons life, but he is incapable. I don't need the pain. My son doesn't need to look up to that. No contact has been amazing. It hurts, but we get healthier everyday.
If you told your mother rehab or family, do you mean this? What does she bring to the table for your relationship? Unfortunately, she's an addict.
I actually had a really hard relationship with my mother. She wasn't on drugs, but she was a very selfish woman and basically abandoned me in my teen years. I was very angry with her to the point of not talking to her for a year. When I had a baby I tried, but had huge boundaries. Then, my world fell apart and she was there for me in a way i never knew she could! My point, is that it was very painful. But, finally my anger is gone. It takes time. Things changed and she was there when I needed her.
Time will tell if your mother will choose to recover, but you should surround yourself with healthy. I would like nothing more than my xah to be apart of our sons life, but he is incapable. I don't need the pain. My son doesn't need to look up to that. No contact has been amazing. It hurts, but we get healthier everyday.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is unfair that you should be burdened with the dread and the anxiety around what she is going to do next. It is an unfair burden for any child to carry around any parent: "what painful catastrophe is my parent going to create NEXT?"
You have put up with enough, and you have been a victim of neglect and abandonment and abuse.
I think you deserve to be married without the wild card of an unstable drug addict mother fresh out of rehab being part of the day. It is your wedding day and I believe you deserve to be surrounded by trustworthy people so you can relax and actually experience every precious moment of it. You owe her NOTHING.
The odds are very high that she will use again when leaving rehab. I don't think you need to gamble with them. You have sacrificed enough to her obsession with drugs. Not one more ounce of your vitality and stability need be surrendered.
Do whatever makes you feel most SAFE.
You have put up with enough, and you have been a victim of neglect and abandonment and abuse.
I think you deserve to be married without the wild card of an unstable drug addict mother fresh out of rehab being part of the day. It is your wedding day and I believe you deserve to be surrounded by trustworthy people so you can relax and actually experience every precious moment of it. You owe her NOTHING.
The odds are very high that she will use again when leaving rehab. I don't think you need to gamble with them. You have sacrificed enough to her obsession with drugs. Not one more ounce of your vitality and stability need be surrendered.
Do whatever makes you feel most SAFE.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
This is your day. I don't think it matters whether your mother is clean or not, if having her there would cause you to stress and worry about what she *might* or *could* do throughout the day, I think it's reasonable to ask her not to attend. You're going to have more than enough on your plate without adding on unnecessary worries.
If she is truly in active recovery, she will understand that her past behavior makes this a reasonable request on your part. If she's not, then it's best she not attend regardless of her impression.
If she is truly in active recovery, she will understand that her past behavior makes this a reasonable request on your part. If she's not, then it's best she not attend regardless of her impression.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Lakeside CA
Posts: 2
Thank you so much everyone! I feel the same way I actually talked to her yesterday and told her I didn't feel comfortable with her attending the wedding and would feel better if she continued to work on herself instead of worrying about attending. she was hurt and upset and I tried to explain to her that she has hurt me and my family by her actions and we can not trust her right now and that it is a very important day for us. Hopefully she can come to understand my decision and understand that what she has done is damaging to the relationship and it is going to take time to heal. She asked me if she could take my daughter for a week when she gets out so my fiancé and I could go on a honeymoon (I have never left my daughter with her even for a hour) and I explained to her that even if she was in a stable state I would not leave my daughter with her because I am not comfortable leaving her for that period of time with anyone.
I also wanted to share something she told my daughter on the phone last night that got under my skin. When I was in first grade my mom was taken to jail for dealing meth and heroine, I lived with my dad for a year but when my mom would get her phone calls to call me she would always say "look at the moon and I am too we are looking at the same moon at the same time" and she did this later in my life too when I went to live with my aunt (both my parents were in jail) but she told my 4 year old to look at the moon every night at 8 and she would too so that they would be looking at the same moon. That really got under my skin and made me cringe... I didn't say anything to her because I thought I may have been over reacting but I don't know it made me angry and resentful more towards her for saying something to my daughter that she knew would bring up bad memories for me and cause me hurt.
Sorry for rambling... Thank you so much everyone for listening
I also wanted to share something she told my daughter on the phone last night that got under my skin. When I was in first grade my mom was taken to jail for dealing meth and heroine, I lived with my dad for a year but when my mom would get her phone calls to call me she would always say "look at the moon and I am too we are looking at the same moon at the same time" and she did this later in my life too when I went to live with my aunt (both my parents were in jail) but she told my 4 year old to look at the moon every night at 8 and she would too so that they would be looking at the same moon. That really got under my skin and made me cringe... I didn't say anything to her because I thought I may have been over reacting but I don't know it made me angry and resentful more towards her for saying something to my daughter that she knew would bring up bad memories for me and cause me hurt.
Sorry for rambling... Thank you so much everyone for listening
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