fedupbeyondall

Since discovering SR I've gained the courage to talk about my situation with a friend of mine. I told them that I'm considering leaving my husband because of his drinking and being unwilling to quit. Their response, "Well you should be glad to be in a relationship. I mean come on it's not that horrible. He cooks for you, cleans the house, and is there for you when you need him. Do you know how hard that is to find? You married him, you committed to him through good and bad. You have it pretty good. He doesn't hit you."

Well, all of that is true. I just laughed uncomfortably and changed the subject. The truth is, all of the other things that come from loving an addict pretty much out weigh all the good. Doesn't it? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill and just be happy with what I have?

Bubovski

I don't recall hitting my wife in nearly 36 years, but a lot of other bad stuff was going on.......................Can you be more precise?

fedupbeyondall

The fights, the verbal attacks, twisting things around to make anything wrong in our marriage my fault. While he has never hit me he has thrown things not in my direction, but still it's enough to instill some fear that as his disease progresses, there won't be much to stop his anger from becoming physical.

Hammer

Dunno.

I see some folks in Alanon who have been divorced and are glad, and some where the Alkie actually does the work and recovers, and some who have Alkies who barely hold on, but somehow think their Alkie is wonderful, and willing to do their own work (and the Alkie's) to keep things going.

For me, I am thinking along the lines of things that impact the family -- As far as a mom -- [Mrs. Hammer] used to be an A+ (or so it seemed) before rehab -- a little over 6 months since return. But she has been such a lying, self-centered jerk since rehab, probably a D-, now as far as a mom. Probably a D- or F as far as a wife since, and pretty much an F as friend and lover.

So if this continues, I will likely build a house for the kids, move us, and tell her to get her own.

But like I say -- Dunno.

dandylion

fedupbeyondall--these are all typical comments of those who have NO concept of what it is to live with an alcoholic or addict. You are the one who lives in your own skin and has to be able to sleep at night. It is easy for them to pass out such judgements because they are not responsible for your happiness--you are. Some of them may be in denial of a situation in their own lives and your actions may make them uncomfortable if they aren't ready to look within. You never know.

Do not let these comments sway you. You will find lots of people here who understand completely and will not judge you.

dandylion

Jen31

It's odd to hear such a comment from a friend of yours. I'd this friend also your husbands friend?
If he's throwing things out of anger, I don't think you need to hand around for the next "alcoholic phase." It gets worse, not better.
Shame on your friend.

fedupbeyondall

Hammer- that's kind of the conundrum I have at the moment. If I stay and it gets worse and never better where does that leave me? Old and bitter. If I leave and he gets better I gave up a good man and marriage. If I stay and he gets better and we move forward from this then YAY! What to do? I know no one who isn't in a similar situation has no idea what it's like and from the outside things look one way, behind closed doors they are quite another.

Hammer

Here is where I am at -- just saying me -- not thee or anyone else . . .

For the first 90 days, I kept saying it is just 90 days. Can do that standing on my head, if I can keep things for the kids ok. Had a friend ask me what happens at day 91? Stopped me cold. Had no idea. So now we are at 180 or so, and she is still as much or more of a jerk. Now what? My lead kid is hinting I should boot her out. Or do whatever it takes to keep her (the kid) safe. Smart kid in that regard.

Like I say -- dunno. We (me and the kids) are on a three week vacation (that Mrs. Hammer refused to come along on). This is a make-up trip we cancelled for her rehab. But I just dunno. I had never really thought about all this. Lulu (very sharp SR member here) cautioned me I should be thinking about all this. Really just do not want to. Dunno. Maybe things will be magic all better after this trip. Yeah, I know. Total self-bull-sh1t. But I am not really ready to have my self-bull-sh1t taken away, yet. Dunno. All makes me very sad and scared.

wicked

so when does the part happen when he gives up drinking and becomes a good man to be married to?
You have said here he is unwilling to quit.
What now?

You do all the work of the relationship.
He cleans the house? and gets drunk? and abusive?
Do you feel lucky to be in this relationship?

How could this person know he is there when you need him?
Is he home all the time?
If he is and he is drunk, he is not there when you need him.

I guess I do not have enough information, but so far, your friend sounds a little nutty to me.
I mean why do you have to live with an alcoholic just to have a "relationship"?
Is that all there is to you? NO!
You are more than any relationship you are in, much much more.

Waiting for an unwilling drunk to quit and have a good marriage is a bad bet.
You only have one life.
I hope you make some more friends in Al Anon.

Beth

PS
Never, ever in your life should you have to worry about your spouse throwing something at you. It is unacceptable.

wicked

One big military hug.
I know you will figure this out, just wanted to say I hear you.
Sad and scared. Yep. Been there many a time.

That is why this forum is so fantastic.
You can get a reality check here.
I wish I could remember where that link was for
"so you think he will magically get better for another woman,
and your investment will pay off somewhere else."
Excellent read.
I will go look.

Beth.

wicked

The Fear That They’re Going to Be Better for Someone Else

Okay, I have posted the last 3 posts. Sorry about that.
Here is the link.
I hope.

Beth

lillamy

My take on it?
I think you as a human being have the right to ask more of a person you are in a relationship with than "he cooks and he doesn't hit me." Seriously.

If all I wanted was someone who doesn't hit me, crap, I could walk out the door and marry the first guy I laid eyes on. Because most guys DON'T hit their wives.

But is that all you should ask?

When I first mentioned to my parents that all was not well in marriageville, my father told me that in his mind, there are only two valid reasons for divorce: substance abuse and physical/mental/emotional abuse. Everything else, he said, including infidelity, you can work through if you're both committed to it. But those two? Deal breakers.

It took me another 18 years to leave my husband.

I don't completely agree with my father that those are the ONLY valid reasons for divorce (if the other party is not interested in fixing what's broken, it doesn't matter what the reasons are) -- but I agree that those are both damn good reasons.

I'm sorry your friends were not more supportive. I think that's a sh*tty thing to say to a friend -- it sounds like they think you can't do any better than what you've got. Which is a rude thing to say. In addition, it's one heckuvalot better to be alone than to be married to an addict. If you ask me.

AnvilheadII

marriage is a partnership....a TEAM of two....with a mutual goal. everybody is one the same side.

there is a difference between settling....it ain't that bad, I could do worse, at least he doesn't HIT me (yet)....and a contented happy union where your partner is your co-conspirator in life.

are YOU happy? cuz it is after all YOUR life. we each get exactly ONE life..an undetermined number of days....seasons flash by, we go from april 1992 to October 2002 in the snap of a finger. (ok that takes two fingers).

did you see the sun rise this morning? did you notice? if a rainstorm passed and was followed by a rainbow...would you call to HIM to come see it with you? if you had a bad day would he listen? if you were tired or not feeling well, would he recognize that and let you rest? does he encourage you take some time off so you can re-energize? do you look forward to COMING HOME?

fedupbeyondall

Hammer- I know exactly how you feel. I had my happy place ripped away from me by accident. I'm still holding on to the hope that there are some magic words or phrase I can utter that will break this hold alcohol has over him. So far no one has.

As far as my friend not understanding where I'm coming from, well how could they. I have never even mentioned there are cracks in my perfect happy life. I've always managed to get the hubs out of a party of bbq before he could make an ass of himself. I haven't enjoyed a party or get together since we started dating. No one outside of SR or this friend knows anything is going on. I guess the shock to them was finding out the truth was well, a shock.

This journey is so new to me I'm not sure where to turn. I definitely don't want to make our struggles public until we split, but I need to know I have some support for when that day ends up happening. Ugh.

fedupbeyondall

Wicked- I just read that article. Damn, can you say that was written directly at me? Our whole marriage is so textbook I wish I could buy said text book and tell the future. That would blow is dunk mind for sure.

Springs

fedup - I definitely had friends say things like that before this all started totally falling apart. Now I've spilled a lot more details and no one is saying that. But even if they were what I'm starting to learn in al anon and from reading some of the books people here have recommended, was I was listening to people who had limited info and not listening to myself. I look back and realize I wasn't listening to my radar and my instincts and my alarms. It sounds obvious but I have the most stake in my own life so I really need to connect with my core and listen to myself.

Helenlee

"I wasn't listening to my radar and my instincts and my alarms. It sounds obvious but I have the most stake in my own life so I really need to connect with my core and listen to myself."

I'm just going off to have this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids! And have a poster made up while I'm at it ...

Hammer

You are correct. You cannot wish him out of his crazyland.

But wise folks here and in Alanon tell me that we can wish ourselves out.

I suppose we need to listen to them.

Sure. We get the same from Mrs. Hammer's mother/MIL ("granna" to the kids). I quit talking with her after she started a few crazy conversations and phone calls. Since in MIL-mind, Mrs. Hammer HAS to be all healed and better from rehab, anything (read everything) that indicates otherwise HAS to be someone else's "fault." I have quit taking that crap.

MIL is scared to death of Mrs. Hammer "cutting her off" and not letting the kids see her. Mrs. Hammer has pulled this on her before, but the weird part is granna will "roll" on the kids to keep things with the pretense of "all ok."


I get stuck in wishing-daydream-land when I am out with the kids and I see "normal" families. I get stuck on whether or if, if and if I should:

1) Try to get me a decent wife, or
2) Try to get the kids a decent [step, I guess] mother, or
3) Either/Both or . . . what?

Right now, we have neither.

-----------------

So for now, I guess this is where I am. Working snot out of Step 11 . . . . .

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.