crazybabie

I will start by giving some brief history I lived with both my parents until I was 7 then they divorced neither had started drinking or any drugs yet three months later my mom remarried a man who beat her and my 5 year old brother often they drank and at least he not sure about her did every pill around and pot in 79 she shot him and went to prison my brother and I moved in with our dad and his wife who mom had told us daily he left "us" she basically said all the wrong things too us kids we hated it there and made life hard.


Mom was released from prison 2 1/2 years later and I moved back in with her at that point she was basically a lady gone wild I was 14 she married a guy aged 19 I moved out and never looked back. I was having counseling in a group setting when my daughter was 10 and my therapist was out for 3 weeks and my moms therapist was running our group so we had to be careful what was said however he did tell me when I spoke to my mom to do so as if she were my daughter so she could understand what I was saying.


Now my current problem I think I am a daughter just trying too do what is right but wondering if it is codependency? HELP...

My step-dad is on oxygen all the time and he was running over things in parking lots, the column in the carport and he has been stopped by the police for swerving they thought he was drinking and driving but it is the oxygen.

My mom has no DL and she has anxiety when driving as well so my step-dad called me and explained what was going on and asked if I would get their car so he can't drive anywhere and take them to their many appointments I said yes for several reasons My mom is my mom there is oxygen in that car and him driving is dangerous even without the oxygen in it. I am concerned for their safety as well as the safety of others on the roads. They have 9 kids between them I am the only one who lives within 25 miles his kids live out of state and he has rarely had a relationship with them. I feel God would want me to help my mother.

Here comes the but now I am being totally disrespected and am ready to just take the car back I took them to the attorneys office Monday the appointment was for 1:30 I let my hubby know I may be late home he was fine with that the attorney told my SD that he needed a long sleeve shirt for the next day too cover his tattoos I understood this had too be done so I took them to a store to purchase one my mom looked at "other things for 2 hours I finally said mom I have to cook tonight her reply was I am not worried about cooking I responded I know your not but I am she ignored me and kept looking 30 minutes later we left.

Once in the car I said mom I don't mind taking you to do what you need to and when I have extra time we can do extra things but I have a husband at home as well her response was well we can't do anything because you have our car WTH then she started saying her car was a benefit for me which is wrong and then she said how was I suppose to know well I made the mistake of saying I assumed that both of you were old enough to know too treat me with respect at that point my step-dad replied you know what they say about assuming it makes an ASS out of you.

Then my step-dad asked what time it was I said 4:57 he asked what time hubby got off work I said 5:00 he then asked well can we stop at Hobby Lobby again disrespect but I was so mad I stopped just to get out of that car. Mom has referred to me as their chauffeur I thought nothing about that but now I am wondering if she really thinks I am suppose to just go wherever. whenever we have never gotten along since I was 12.

I don't know how to talk to her to be clear on what I can and will do without it starting a war I don't feel comfortable just giving up without trying too discuss it any suggestions? I am doing this partly out of obligation. Does anyone feel I am codependent thinking here?
Thanks

BeavsDad

A boundary of:
"I will not be disrespected/guilted/abused"

Stand up for yourself and tell them that where and how long you drive them is completely up to you.
And if they don't start treating you with courtesy and respect, they can have their car back and figure it out for themselves.

cynical one

CB,

I would call social services and inquire about non-emergency transportation services for seniors in your area. Where I live it's something like $6 round trip to run door-to-door errands and appointments. They could possibly sell the car and get some sort of vouchers for a transportation service.

crazybabie

Thanks Cynical. I have thought about that I can take them the car and call Social services and tell them the situation I have been questioning myself if it is my place too.

They need too go grocery shopping tomorrow or Friday I can't get them to say what day yet and 2 other places I plan on speaking with them both then and if there are any issues them I quit.

lizwig

A little off topic but I've called my son out on this type of thing before...he would want something (back in my total codie days) and I'd jump through hoops to get something arranged then he'd say "Oh, I didn't want to do it then or that wasn't what I had in mind". I finally told him "you know what...you can't pretend to be drowning and then throw back the WHITE life ring saying you'd prefer PURPLE". it doesn't work that way. So annoying! Sheesh. In our community we have a program called "dial a ride", it is for people with transportation needs, to and from the doctors etc....I suppose the other option would be to dedicate one afternoon a week to helping with errands and tell them when it will be. If they schedule things outside of that timezone simply say "Oh, I'm sorry I'm busy at that time". Even if it's rearranging your sock drawer or cleaning your shower curtain! You are BUSY! I think it's very kind of you for wanting to help.

gfwhoneverknew

I totally feel u doing these errands etc as not being codep. But instead a daughter doinng what's right and helping in a time of need!!! However, if it is hurting u to do these things, that's not acceptable!! If respect isnt

gfwhoneverknew

Ps...sry I'm using my cell.to write this. Anyway, if u do this again and ur are once again being not cared for perhaps do give the car back and have them look into other alternatives!

bluebelle

You'll just have to be firm in your boundaries. It sounds like you need to know ahead of time what day, how long it will take, etc. Agree to an amount of time ahead of time and stick to it. Tell them they have to be respectful, polite, treat you like an adult. If they can't cooperate, then you can't do it for them. They may comply, or they may refuse. It is up to them. They can have their car back and figure it out on their own. Put it into their court. It is their responsibility to notify you ahead of time and respect your boundaries. If they don't then they figure out something else. You aren't responsible for their messes.

Kindeyes

Well, when you do something nice for someone and they don't appreciate it....and you resent them for it......it's not working for anyone.

I don't know what you should do but Cynical's approach sounds reasonable.

gentle hugs
ke

cece1960

CB,
It sounds as if you are being disrespected and taken advantage of. No one - not even family - has the right to behave this way toward you.