acm76

“I hope every line of cocaine you do off MY coffee table reminds you of how far you’ve fallen.
I hope ever ska*k you *&%# on MY bed reminds you of what you lost.
I hope every time you sit on MY patio furniture and smoke yet another joint and drink yet another bottle of wine you’re reminded of what could have been.
Every time you eat with the dishes and cutlery provided by me, I hope you’ll recall all the wonderful meals you’ll never eat with me again.
Every time you cast the reel and catch a fish – the only positive hobby in your life – I hope it’s ruined by the realization that you pushed away a woman who would have moved heaven and earth to see you sober.
Like you, my dear troubled man, I hope I never see you again.”

What I did say

"You put me through emotional hell. That you seemed determined to continue that is very sad, indeed.

You are not good enough for anyone, because you are a very troubled man. And I may have my own “emotional baggage,” but I am getting help from wherever I can. Can the same be said of you? I doubt that very much.

I hope you get the help you need. Walking away from you was harder than I think you’ll ever understand. And while your anger and vitriol may sting, it will never diminish the love and compassion that I will always feel for you."

I'm really trying hard with the detachment. I'm so focussed on letting go of toxicity and dysfunction, and trying so hard to welcome peace, serenity and joy back into my life. I feel better since leaving. I haven't taken an anxiety pill, I have been sleeping, and the bags beneath my eyes have vanished. But my heart still aches. Does the pain of loss ever go away? I mean, I know it does, and time heals all wounds, but...

m1k3

Yes, it does get better. I left over 2 years ago and for the most part my life is really good. Does she still live rent free in my head, you bet but now it's a small apartment and not a huge estate.

I think it is like phantom limb syndrome. Even though I amputated the festering limb there are times I can still feel it. The pain is almost all gone but I still get the itching feeling sometimes.

I will say it again though, it was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself and my life is so much better.

Your friend,

sadielady

I'm so sorry to read your pain, I'm new here and just in the first part of dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend so I can't give you the depth of answers you're seeking, but there are others here who can. And from what I can tell from your message, you've done something brave and strongman and right in tending to yourself and leaving a toxic relationship and a man who isn't saving himself. I am just now facing that my boyfriend is in the same place and I've put up a boundary of no contact until he's serious about recovery (we're newer and don't love together) but I have tremendous compassion and empathy for you, changing your life in such a big way and feeling so much pain.

All I can offer is that in your heart and soul you know this was right. Your lessened and changed anxiety are proof, your body doesn't lie. Do things every day for you. Tend to yourself. See your friends and find things to laugh and song about. I can only imagine you'll still feel pain, but make sure you give yourself lots of chances to feel joy again. Over and over.

I'll be thinking of you.

DG0409

The pain will go away.

And I think your gratitude for being out of the situation will only continue to grow. I know that the more time that passes that I'm away from my AX, the more I am grateful that it is over.

dandylion

acm76, your song reminds me of a popular country song (several years ago) by a favorite artist o f mine--Ronnie Milsap. "There Ain't No Getting Over Me". I have cried to this song (LOL).

Anyone heard of it?

dandylion

wicked

No, I have not heard that one dandylion. I do remember Ronnie Milsap though.
check on memory today!

I think you have made great strides already. No pills, sleeping and bags under your eyes are gone.
Yes, the pain will go away, and it is like Mike said about amputation.
Phantom pain, and you will know it right away.

What are you doing for you and only you?
things maybe put off because it was easier than arguing about it.
Find a lovely place and feel serene in the knowledge that your life is getting better every moment of every day.
You can choose happiness, serenity, peace, love and anything else that you like at any time, focus on you now.
Not on the pain.
On the future, with yourself.

Beth

OhBoy

There were so many things I wanted to say to my STBXAW like the things you wanted to say. Towards the end I would say them in my head before saying the other things, I kind of pretended I was saying them. If I had actually said them I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have ended well haha! I guess in the end it probably didn't matter what/how I said it because it all had the same impact, none. But what I DID get from it was the peace of mind that I was a good person, it would kind of boost my ego when I would come from a place of anger and despair and still be able to show genuine compassion and respect. Some times it was easier than others, sometimes impossible.

I can say that after 8 months away from her it is much easier. I don't miss the day to day chaos that's for sure! I don't miss the day to day chaos that's for sure! I had to say that one twice! It certainly is easier to put the focus on getting myself better, also is more difficult because ALL the focus is on me. I can't hide in the chaos storm anymore. In the middle of it I made quite a comfortable place for myself in the storm, now I have to ride it out. Hard, but in the end its easier. I still think of her and at time get sad, but I don't feel the despair I used too. Like M1K3 said, she has an apartment in my head instead of an estate.

acm76

Thanks everyone, for sharing your stories of perseverance. I am pretty proud that for the first time he didn't elicit in me the angry, bitter response he was aiming for.

I will keep choosing love and compassion, focus on me, and do away with the negativity that was so dominating my life.