2310

Yesterday was an absolutely awful day.... until I found this website. I had convinced myself that I was only doing this sobriety thing to "take a break" and that I never fully intended on quitting for good. (which is not true)
I was lonely and depressed and inches away from drinking, but somehow, I ended up on this website. I registered and was then overcome with nothing but pure kindness, motivation and encouragement from strangers. I don't know how I quite got on here, but I am proud of myself for making a seemingly subconscious choice to register here instead of going to happy hour. I also have come to understand that it is, in a sense, disrespectful, to just assume that becoming sober is a cake walk. It's obviously not, and I need to prepare myself for those days and push through. Today I feel... grateful. And I am overwhelmed with the emotion I am feeling surrounding this. (I can't stop crying- but today it's not a bad cry).

Your responses on here prompted many things for me yesterday. I now understand that I need to come up with a recovery plan. My close friends mother goes to AA- I think I should reach out to her and ask if I can join her one night.
It also prompted a conversation with my husband. A conversation around me trying to convince him and myself that I can moderate my drinking, like he can, and that I won't' get out of control and that I will be able to acknowledge when I am buzzed and stop. He looked dead at me and said "baby, I don't know what you want me to say. I am trying to be supportive of what you want, but that keeps changing. I will never tell you what to do- all I know is that I don't want to have to go into the ladies room at 1am and pull you off the toilet because you have fallen asleep again." Wow... and he still married me! That pretty much ended the conversation. If I drink, I can not promise that will never happen again.

It is taking some time to come out of this haze of drinking for the past 13 years- heavy drinking. I am not so sure I like myself sober. I think that is the hardest part. It's all very scary. I'm also scared of days like yesterday, as I know they will come again.

Thank you to everyone yesterday who responded to my post. Truly. I owe making it through that day to you. I hope that I can get to a place where I can be as helpful and positive to others as you have been to me.

Krodos

I had 10 months sober in 2010 and then decided that I could moderate my drinking. I VERY quickly fell back to binge drinking to the point of blackouts every single weekend and holiday where I would be off work. That showed me that I cannot moderate, there is no such thing as "a drink or two", it's all or none for me.

I'm glad you made it through yesterday and I hope you continue to be apart of this forum and stay sober!

2310

Isn't it odd how we try and convince ourselves of that knowing full well that it's not the truth. Sometimes I actually believe it. Yesterday I did. The truth is, I don't know why people drink if they only intend on drinking just one or two. I guess that is telling in itself!

visch1

Hi and good luck. AA has worked for millions and if your willing will work for you. It's not a requirement but it helps a lot when we are honest with ourselves and listen. It took me awhile to learn the difference between comparing and identifying. BE WELL

doggonecarl

Glad to hear you are in a stronger place today.

I am pretty sure I felt that way when I was grappling with the full weight of sobriety and the prospect of never drinking again.. Did I even like the sober me?

Turned out, it wasn't so much that I didn't like the sober me, I didn't know him. I drank for 35 years and the first ten of those years I was a drug addict. Addled for most of my adult life.

It helped me to remember, though long ago, that I was sober and didn't rely on alcohol to make me happy or cover my pain. I went my first 18 years without alcohol. I could be that person again. I don't mean return to a "child-like" state, or the innocence of youth, but be the person who didn't need to drink to have fun, to experience joy and happiness, and sadness for that matter; to live every day, fully, without alcohol.

I am that person now. You can be too.

lessgravity

That's a deep revelation. As you will hear, so many of us have tried the moderation thing.

I understand what you mean about not being sure if you like yourself sober - the truth is you will, I think. Mainly b/c you will find a sense of pride/power/confidence when you face this demon in the face and shut him down.

Congrats on getting through a rough one.

Stay strong and keep posting.

FatallyUncool

Thank you, 2310. Why? Because many people are struggling through some of the same things that your are, and maybe your honesty, experience and hope will help someone else stay clean today.