I'm being manipulated! !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
I'm being manipulated! !
So crazy this would come about just soon after posting about "sticking with the winners"...temptation to "fix" runs strong in this girl here!
There is this lady (she's about 51 I think...so like 18 years older than me) that I pick up & take to meetings a couple times a week. She doesn't have a car due to DUI and has health issues & has a hard time walking due to nerve pain. She calls me like 3 to 5 times a day and wants to just chat and she complains a lot about everything. It really wears on my emotions.
Well without boring you all with too much detail...I picked her up for the meeting tonight, she had a really hard day & got some disappointing news and she kept telling me all day she was debating about just throwing herself onto the road to be run over by a car
the meeting was great 
, then 5 of us went for coffee after the meeting at a local restaurant & she cried the whole way there and again said she just wanted to be run over...this is horrible.
But then she did something so strange. ..she got up to go to the bathroom & never came back to the table. We looked everywhere for her & tried to call her as well. She lives a couple miles from the restaurant but she already has a hard time walking not to mention this was at like 930pm...dark outside.
I wanted to go look for her or go to her house to see if she walked home or something but the other AA friends that were there told me I should just go home. They said that she was a grown woman and she made the choice to leave without saying anything to me.
This is so hard for me! I know her behavior is selfish and attention seeking, but man my emotions got all riled up about it. I feel like I can't afford to be so caught up in someone else's drama being on day 5.
I know I'm totally rambling but my husband only listened to me for about 2 minutes and I just needed to get this out of my head!
There is this lady (she's about 51 I think...so like 18 years older than me) that I pick up & take to meetings a couple times a week. She doesn't have a car due to DUI and has health issues & has a hard time walking due to nerve pain. She calls me like 3 to 5 times a day and wants to just chat and she complains a lot about everything. It really wears on my emotions.
Well without boring you all with too much detail...I picked her up for the meeting tonight, she had a really hard day & got some disappointing news and she kept telling me all day she was debating about just throwing herself onto the road to be run over by a car
the meeting was great , then 5 of us went for coffee after the meeting at a local restaurant & she cried the whole way there and again said she just wanted to be run over...this is horrible. But then she did something so strange. ..she got up to go to the bathroom & never came back to the table. We looked everywhere for her & tried to call her as well. She lives a couple miles from the restaurant but she already has a hard time walking not to mention this was at like 930pm...dark outside.
I wanted to go look for her or go to her house to see if she walked home or something but the other AA friends that were there told me I should just go home. They said that she was a grown woman and she made the choice to leave without saying anything to me.
This is so hard for me! I know her behavior is selfish and attention seeking, but man my emotions got all riled up about it. I feel like I can't afford to be so caught up in someone else's drama being on day 5.
I know I'm totally rambling but my husband only listened to me for about 2 minutes and I just needed to get this out of my head!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
jstar,
That is random and bizzare behaviour . I think it's good of you to have done so much .
Sometimes whatever we do or say, people set themselves upon certain courses .
I'd seriously consider letting someone else with more sober time and experience offer to drive her around so you can concentrate on making your sober foundations strong .
I'd also consider what you get out of the telephone conversations , friendships should be a two way street IMHO .
Take care of yourself ,
Bestwishes, M
That is random and bizzare behaviour . I think it's good of you to have done so much .
Sometimes whatever we do or say, people set themselves upon certain courses .
I'd seriously consider letting someone else with more sober time and experience offer to drive her around so you can concentrate on making your sober foundations strong .
I'd also consider what you get out of the telephone conversations , friendships should be a two way street IMHO .
Take care of yourself ,
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Wesley Chapel, Florida
Posts: 19
It's very hard at the beginning to be in these situations. We're told we are suppose to be and learning to care for people but we also have our own lives on the line wihtout trying to save someone else. We are told or at least I was to help those that seek it and not try to save the world. I think you need to distance yourself from this person and then if she comes back maybe point her to someone else that has a little more knowledge of how to handle this situation. If something happens to her it's not your fault and definitely nothing you could do about it. Save your own ass first then worry about helping others. You have enough enough concerns at day 5. You don't need to be brought down you need to be lifted up. Not to say helping peole with rides and phone calls isn't a good thing but when it gets to this extent I believe it's time to let it go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
She may be trying to manipulate you or she may not.
It not your concern. Not your business. Her side of the street...Need I go on?
Your sobriety at this point needs to be the first thing on your life, not some else's or their problems. That may come across selfish. It is not. It means you are not in control of other people choices nor should you be.
Pray for them, don't pay for them.
It not your concern. Not your business. Her side of the street...Need I go on?
Your sobriety at this point needs to be the first thing on your life, not some else's or their problems. That may come across selfish. It is not. It means you are not in control of other people choices nor should you be.
Pray for them, don't pay for them.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Originally Posted by mecanix 
I'd seriously consider letting someone else with more sober time and experience offer to drive her around so you can concentrate on making your sober foundations strong .
Anyway, reading this reminded me of an old bff that I had for years. She would just leave places when I was her ride. She'd walk or take a cab without telling anyone. It was rude, extremely worrisome, attention-seeking, and a bunch of other things, but I came to realize that she had some mental issues and that weren't my fault and that I wasn't qualified to diagnose or treat.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by BeFree4good
It's very hard at the beginning to be in these situations. We're told we are suppose to be and learning to care for people but we also have our own lives on the line wihtout trying to save someone else. We are told or at least I was to help those that seek it and not try to save the world. I think you need to distance yourself from this person and then if she comes back maybe point her to someone else that has a little more knowledge of how to handle this situation. If something happens to her it's not your fault and definitely nothing you could do about it. Save your own ass first then worry about helping others. You have enough enough concerns at day 5. You don't need to be brought down you need to be lifted up. Not to say helping peole with rides and phone calls isn't a good thing but when it gets to this extent I believe it's time to let it go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Would have stuck in my head too. Bizarre. And strange.
Just remember there are all sorts of different people in the rooms; lots of pain, lots of damage.
Please try NOT to take it all on... let God and let go. That's what I would do.
Love Venus xx
Just remember there are all sorts of different people in the rooms; lots of pain, lots of damage.
Please try NOT to take it all on... let God and let go. That's what I would do.
Love Venus xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Sounds to me like she has some serious mental health issues going on. It is so hard to rid yourself of someone when they are so needy. Does she have a sponsor? I'd suggest in the future when/if she phones telling her that after her disappearing that you don't feel you can help her anymore and suggest she calls her sponsor and asks somebody else for a lift. I'd also suggest she speaks to a GP as her suicidal thoughts are very worrying and you are not equipped to deal with them.
Horrible situation to be put in but just remember it is not your fault and she is not your responsibility. You need to be putting yourself first at the moment.
Horrible situation to be put in but just remember it is not your fault and she is not your responsibility. You need to be putting yourself first at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im guessin yer referring to yourself about the temptation to fix?
if so, none of us are powerful enough to fix anyone. we are responsible for fixing ourselves and that's the only one. we carry the message,not the alcoholic/addict.
the steps will help you find out why you feel you have to fix others.
if so, none of us are powerful enough to fix anyone. we are responsible for fixing ourselves and that's the only one. we carry the message,not the alcoholic/addict.
the steps will help you find out why you feel you have to fix others.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Congrats on 5 days! And getting involved. you are well on your way!
I've been suicidal (seriously, repeatedly and for long periods of time) bottom line is, it is NO ONE's responsibility to save me from myself. I know there is professional help available. Trying to put that responsibility on someone else is unfair and as you recognized, manipulative.
If someone close to me says they are suicidal, I can offer a ride to the psych ward, numbers of the suicide hotline, tell them I care and am concerned and I know the best help available to them are people trained to guide them through this. I say this as someone who has been on both sides of this.
No one can save the life of someone who is suicidal and heck bent on carrying it out. Even in psych wards, people manage to off themselves if they really want to. No one can make another person willing to do what it takes to live.
On newbies and giving rides to meetings. I don't recommend it. Make coffee, set up chairs, read opening literature, but leave the lift giving to others, because WAY too much of the time it becomes a situation like you describe.
People taking advantage of a newly sober, new to the program person who is willing to do anything to show they are serious about their sobriety. Thinking it is service...when often it's not.
Very quickly it can turn into...can you pick my kid up from school, can we stop to get milk, could you lend me ten bucks till next Tues, Can you pretend you're my dr and sign this paper for me...
Until you have some clean time, some clarity in the program, the ability to set strong boundaries...
I know the term "13th stepping" is used to refer to people taking sexual advantage of newbies, but I think there are MANY ways people can be "13th stepped"
Those other women gave you good advice!
I've been suicidal (seriously, repeatedly and for long periods of time) bottom line is, it is NO ONE's responsibility to save me from myself. I know there is professional help available. Trying to put that responsibility on someone else is unfair and as you recognized, manipulative.
If someone close to me says they are suicidal, I can offer a ride to the psych ward, numbers of the suicide hotline, tell them I care and am concerned and I know the best help available to them are people trained to guide them through this. I say this as someone who has been on both sides of this.
No one can save the life of someone who is suicidal and heck bent on carrying it out. Even in psych wards, people manage to off themselves if they really want to. No one can make another person willing to do what it takes to live.
On newbies and giving rides to meetings. I don't recommend it. Make coffee, set up chairs, read opening literature, but leave the lift giving to others, because WAY too much of the time it becomes a situation like you describe.
People taking advantage of a newly sober, new to the program person who is willing to do anything to show they are serious about their sobriety. Thinking it is service...when often it's not.
Very quickly it can turn into...can you pick my kid up from school, can we stop to get milk, could you lend me ten bucks till next Tues, Can you pretend you're my dr and sign this paper for me...
Until you have some clean time, some clarity in the program, the ability to set strong boundaries...
I know the term "13th stepping" is used to refer to people taking sexual advantage of newbies, but I think there are MANY ways people can be "13th stepped"
Those other women gave you good advice!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Thanks for all your replies! She called me a zillion times today & left numerous apology messages on my voice mail. Funny thing is that her apology was more like an excuse. Maybe she was sincere. ..maybe. She walked home she said because she was upset about her day and she said her feelings were hurt because no one offered to buy her dinner. I told her she shouldn't expect people to do that. If she doesn't have money to eat out but wants to go to hang out after the meeting, then she should eat before the meeting. I told her I was upset that she just took off and that I thought she was acting selfish. I said more but I won't go into any more detail. I don't think she was really listening to me anyway.
My lesson: be careful who you spend your time and energy on. To ask myself if what I'm doing is helpful to myself and my sobriety.
My lesson: be careful who you spend your time and energy on. To ask myself if what I'm doing is helpful to myself and my sobriety.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
In your early recovery it’s great that you are thinking of others. Right now however you have a lot to do just to take care of yourself. It’s OK to be a bit selfish in the beginning. Set some limits with her (perhaps concerning the number of times she can call you per day). Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by jstar
Thanks for all your replies! She called me a zillion times today & left numerous apology messages on my voice mail. Funny thing is that her apology was more like an excuse. Maybe she was sincere. ..maybe. She walked home she said because she was upset about her day and she said her feelings were hurt because no one offered to buy her dinner. I told her she shouldn't expect people to do that. If she doesn't have money to eat out but wants to go to hang out after the meeting, then she should eat before the meeting. I told her I was upset that she just took off and that I thought she was acting selfish. I said more but I won't go into any more detail. I don't think she was really listening to me anyway.
My lesson: be careful who you spend your time and energy on. To ask myself if what I'm doing is helpful to myself and my sobriety.
My lesson: be careful who you spend your time and energy on. To ask myself if what I'm doing is helpful to myself and my sobriety.
That is not how the program works, which I am sure you know at this point.
It is about getting help and support but it is also about taking personal responsibility for our lives and our part in it. It does not sound like this person is there. It does not mean she won't get there but for now I hear the "blame game" going on. She is crying in her soup and she not only wants someone to listen but to agree with her. She is looking for an enabler and someone to be co-dependent. Maybe she had someone in her life that did this before and she is looking to replace that.
I am not sure, nobody can be sure of what is going on in someone else's mind and it is not our business or responsibility to guess.
It comes down to making sure you are taking care of ourselves first. We can dip into our "bank" and give compassion to others. That is also part of the program, helping others, but when the amount of that help causes our bank to run low then when we need to dip into that bank for our ourselves there is not enough left.
Meetings, step work and sobriety in general can be emotional draining at times. It is not only a good idea to stick with the winners so we don't get drawn into situations like this but it will also be these winners that we can rely on. You may not call these people everyday but knowing you have stable sober people to lean on, if you should need to, is very important.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by GracieLou
Meetings, step work and sobriety in general can be emotional draining at times. It is not only a good idea to stick with the winners so we don't get drawn into situations like this but it will also be these winners that we can rely on. You may not call these people everyday but knowing you have stable sober people to lean on, if you should need to, is very important.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Hi jstar just having a nosey through some of the older threads, I was wondering how things are now with your 'friend' I hope you've managed to distance yourself some, she sounds very draining and to disappear because nobody offered to buy her dinner, dare I suggest a little selfish and childish!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Thank mytimenow yes I've been trying to distance myself from her. There are a lot of people that play on peoples sympathy and I tend to be a sucker for reaching out all the time. I'm trying to just focus on my recovery right now as I'm struggling with it pretty hard this week. I am trying not to engage with people who are overly needy right now as I just can't handle it. Drama is not for me.
yes I've been trying to distance myself from her. There are a lot of people that play on peoples sympathy and I tend to be a sucker for reaching out all the time. I'm trying to just focus on my recovery right now as I'm struggling with it pretty hard this week. I am trying not to engage with people who are overly needy right now as I just can't handle it. Drama is not for me.
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