Help

Old 06-25-2013, 08:20 PM
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Help

I put this in the main new comers forum. Guess that wasn't the right place. Oopps. Here goes. Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. My partner and I have been together a total of 7 years. We were together the first time for about 6 months and we broke up because I couldn't deal with his alcoholism. We didn't speak for over two years. During that time he moved on and dated someone else and eventually bought a house with them. The subsequently broke up and because of what I do for a living, my ex needed my help in dealing with their home and what to do with it now that they weren't together. During that time period we discovered that we still had feelings for each other and decided to resume our relationship. He hadn't stopped drinking mind you, I just decided that it didn't matter and it was something that would change. Stupid me.

We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.

By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.

We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.

Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?
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Old 06-25-2013, 08:21 PM
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I forgot to get into detail about the job situation. He claimed that his work stress caused him to need a drink to relax. Admittedly he had a stressful job so I understood his need to relax. We had the means to allow him to quit his job and pursue a new career. He now blames the stress of school on why he needs to drink. Basically, he doesn't deal with stress well. Now he is about done with school and will have a job where he can work from home. I fear this will only increase the problem at this point.
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Old 06-25-2013, 08:34 PM
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Hi, fedup, and welcome.

I would guess I'm not the only one patiently reading your post and NOT asking myself "what the heck is your problem?" Anyone married to an active alcoholic has a problem--usually many, many problems, of the type you just described.

Yes, there are alcoholics who recover and who are able to repair their marriages--particularly when the spouse also is in recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism. The problem for you is that your husband appears to be nowhere near ready to quit drinking. He may NEVER be ready. And until he does decide to recover, it most assuredly will get worse. And worse. And worse.

He doesn't drink because of his job, or because of his stress. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.

My suggestion to you is that you get yourself to Al-Anon, and start working on your own recovery. You don't have to make any decisions immediately, but recovery will help you to clear your head so you can make the best decisions for your own future.

I'm glad you are not considering children as long as he is drinking--that is something that should be postponed until he has been SOLIDLY sober for a good long time (well over a year). Living in an alcoholic household is horrible for kids.

Stick around, keep reading and posting. Glad you're here.
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Old 06-25-2013, 08:48 PM
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Thank you Lexie,

I know he isn't ready. No we won't even begin the process of having kids until he has been sober for at a minimum a year. He got emotional when I made that boundary and I thought, "well maybe this will be what opens his eyes" again stupid me.

I have read a lot of posts and see people who struggle way more than I do and think "Damn it could be a lot worse. Will it get to that point or do I get out now?".

It's nice to see that I'm not alone. Sorry my post was so long but I had to get a lot out. Trust me that wasn't everything, but, I suspect you know that already.
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:35 PM
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Hey fedupbeyondall,

I know he isn't ready. No we won't even begin the process of having kids until he has been sober for at a minimum a year. He got emotional when I made that boundary and I thought, "well maybe this will be what opens his eyes" again stupid me.
I do NOT think you are stupid at all.
In love with an alcoholic does not make you stupid, it might make you a little crazy,
but not stupid.

Keep talking lady, I am listening. It sucks, I know this for sure myself.
Good thing on not having kids until he sobers up-- that makes you smart.

That thing about "you know who you married", well, things change.
We all change and alcoholism progresses.
So, you are not married to the same guy really,
the same man with this many more years of drinking.
Whole different guy to me. It was with my ex husband. A complete change.

Until I woke up. I got sober.
Then I saw what was up and it was not good.
No need to jump into any big decisions now.
Just keep talking, read Codependent No More, and find some Al Anon meetings.

Waking up is great.
I love it.

Beth
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:37 PM
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Hello Fedup and welcome to SR. You have found a great place to educate yourself about alcoholism and seek support.

I am happy you have already learned about enabling behaviors from SR. Alcoholism is such a horrible disease, and the alcoholic needs to face its consequences if they ever hope to recover. That's why the most loving thing you can do for your AH is to work on not enabling him anymore.

Others will be along soon! There are many recovered alcoholics on SR who are always very helpful.
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:38 PM
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Like Beth.. Our posts crossed.
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