LoveMeNow

I finally told my husband that I would not be moving with him. That I will be moving out of state and going to stay with my sister and begin to rebuild my life. He was very hurt yet I still think he has some doubts. Why wouldn't he? I have been the girl who cried wolf so many times.

For the last year, he has been giving me money to pay our bills and stash most of it for our expected upcoming move. I am torn about if or how much money I should give him from it.

First, we had an agreement that it was for our future but if he relapsed, the money was mine to move out and rebuild my life. Secondly, he has an income (commission only) but its still a good income. I know he is broke, so to doesk, right now but is expecting money soon. NO ONE, including my therapist, thinks I should give him a penny. But I need to walk away holding my head high and feeling good about myself, so I guess I will wait and see how things unfold.

I know things will not remain calm for long. I know when he realizes I am finally serious, I will face it all - guilt, manipulation, anger, tears, etc. So I am working on doing things faster then I anticipated.

And I do feel sad, I feel bad, I feel guilty and I feel mad. I actually have to keep resisting the urge to want to comfort him and say OK, one more chance but I am serious this time. Lol. <shake my head>

I gave it a year. I was supportive and loving most of the time. I worked hard at being "understanding" and forgiving but I don't think the trust can ever be rebuilt. I know I have too many resentments that I have not been able to overcome. Believe it or not, I think he has many too and that's ok with me.

Deep down, I know he is a good man with a caring and loving heart. I still love him very much but I just need time for me, time to get healthier and keep the focus on me. I struggle with doing that while I am with him. Some people can, but unfortunately I am not one of them. I don't want balance either, I want to put all my efforts on me for a change.

It's breaks my heart that it came to this but I just keep telling myself I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it. It's not my problem.

Tomorrow, I will be telling my daughter my plans. We were estranged for a while but she has finally came back around. I love her more then anything and I am so scared to hurt her and hurt our relationship. I know she will blame her father and be angry with him. I will do my best to make it about me but I will not lie for him but i will not get into specifics either though. She will know wherever I am, she will always have a home with me, if she chooses or needs one.

Prayers for strength, courage, and wisdom appreciated.

lizwig

Sending you strength LMN. I know you have struggled with this decision. It's not something you came to on a whim. It takes a lot of strength and courage to finally make decisions solely based upon what is right for us. This is your path but you aren't on it alone. I wish you love, joy and strength as you step out upon your new adventure. Big hug.

cynical one

"I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm smad." ~ Sookie. #GilmoreGirls

Fair, of course would be to split the money. But, if he's the one with the income, he will be able to recoup faster and easier than you. This is where I would advise talking with an attorney and see if spousal support is an option until you get on your feet. Other assets 50/50. Sentimental stuff- what comes from your side of the family = yours, his side = his, joint stuff = 50/50. The kids - you get them when they're good, he gets them when they're not...or pick the one that you will trust to pick out a better nursing home for you.

Ann

Doing the right thing is often painful, but it's still the right thing.

LMN, you have taken time, thought this through, played out your options and been fair all the way. It's time for you now.

I think you should talk to a lawyer and ensure your rights before you split or share anything.

My heart goes out for you because I know how hard you struggled with this decision.

You WILL be okay, you already are.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Yes. Consulting an attorney would be a good thing.

When I divorced my husband, I took all the debt. I did it (or so I thought) at the time to try to make things as easy on him as I could (does that smell codependent?). After all, I was the one employed and he wasn't. I told myself it was to protect my credit. But I wonder now if it was really a martyr maneuver on my part.

We all have our own tolerance levels. It's not unreasonable to decide that you need time to figure things out. You'll be in my prayers.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

I am happy you are making this important step. My prayers going out to you for peace in your decision. It is never easy, there are pros and cons to every decision, you have to make the one you can live with.
Hugs
Teresa

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your support. I feel anxious, excited, a little scared but at peace too. I just want the move to be over with. Yep, still future tripping, lol.

I am really looking forward to being around my family again. I have 3 awesome nieces that are so excited that I am "coming home." My sister has been a huge support to me lately. She has stayed quiet and hoped for the best. But the other night, we had a very honest talk and she finally shared her feelings because she knows I am finally serious. She said "although I care about him, you are my sister who I love and care more about. I have watched you slowly change and have seen your self esteem slowly erode. We all miss the smiling, funny, confident, vibrant you. Come stay with me, work on you and take time to heal, then make a decision about him."

Today, I feel blessed for the love of my family.

Disclaimer: feelings subject to change without warning.

laurie6781

(((((LMN)))))

If this had been a 'snap' decision, made on the 'spur of the moment' I would have some concerns.

However, I have watched you struggle and grow and change over this last year into a self assured person, far from the 'quivering bowl of jelly' that signed up her in March of '12.

You have worked very hard on YOU. This decision was made over time with deep thought and consideration for YOU.

I am very impressed with how you have come to this decision. Sounds to me like you have heard your HP say "it is alright now for you to continue your journey as one instead of two."

You go girl!!!!

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

Anaya

Adding support and prayers for you today.

interrupted

Sending strength and support your way, Lovebear. I know you didn't come to this decision lightly, we have all watched you grow into recovery.

Maybe it's a little funny that we call it growing, because what your sister said is often what I think when I'm reflecting on myself and my codependency: about how I changed from a vibrant, brave, independent woman into a scared and uncertain shadow of my former self. So in that way, it's almost like we are transforming back into our true selves rather than changing into something entirely new. I still think it's growing, though, because we're building the best version of ourselves out of all of the broken pieces, both old and new.

You're in my thoughts.

YearForMe

There has to come a time in your life when you make peace with something
that you will never be able to explain nor understand. When you feel
the broken pieces inside you come together. Not in the same
form as before it was broken. But a new form.
A new piece to your soul that you carry on with.
~J.V. Manning

crazybabie

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Aeryn

Sending strength and support your way - sometimes we have to feel intense pain before the relief comes...the relief and happiness are coming your way I can just feel it.

LoveMeNow

Well, I have been packing and packing. Things have stayed calm and respectful. But I just have to confess....I just still love my husband so much. I miss his touch, I miss his kiss, I even miss his scent. I just want to hug him, tell him how much I love him and how "we" can make it through this. But I have resisted all temptations.

I see him still trying, going to meetings, etc. I think he has the desire but hasn't really surrendered. Today, he asked me to come to church with him, which was surprising. He woke me up, I was so tired but he finally convinced me to get up and get ready.

I didn't see it as manipulation. I think he just struggling with his addiction and feels helpless. He wants God to change him with a magic wand, don't we all? He isn't trying to talk me into staying, which is bittersweet for me. With tears in his eyes, he told me "I can't take hurting you anymore."

I just wanted to say "then don't take pills ever again." I just wish it was that simple. I am confused about whether it should be. Does he really use against his will? I don't get it and I never will.

Letting go is beyond painful. I am still in shock that it has come to this. When reality hits, I am scared of how I am going to feel. Lastly, i even question that had I worked a stronger recovery, would I still be leaving?

GardenMama

I don't have any answers, LMN, just a lot of loving support. Just keep moving through this with the amazing recovery work you have mastered and know that "more will be revealed." I am not minimizing your pain or the tragic nature of it all, just trying to support your decision to care for yourself first now. Take good care of your tender heart. Sending hugs your way.

LoveMeNow

Thank you GardenMama for your kind words and your hug - I love hugs and need all the ones I can get right now.

cynical one

It doesn't have to mean forever, it can just mean that you are giving up the front row seat while allowing him the time to run it out to the end.

LoveMeNow

True but more importantly where is my hug? :rotfxko

cynical one

Uh...yeah...like you really must get over yourself. When have you like ever seen me do the hug thing?

LoveMeNow

There is always still room for change and growth. Recovery is never ending.

Doesn't matter, I am hugging you anyway. ((((Cynical One)))).