Predatory, addict SIL. Need reality check.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Predatory, addict SIL. Need reality check.
I'm new to this forum and writing to get a reality check.
My brother is a recovering addict, sober 8 years. (I think, unclear at this point.) He's also the father of two special needs kids, twins. Their mom was also an addict. They divorced when he got clean. He's had sole custody.
Aside from his sobriety, he was really getting his life together. He's a good dad, a hand's on father, and has a steady job with our family business. He quit smoking, and lost a lot of weight, things were going well. Except he had some trouble dating, or got frustrated. Because he said no one wanted anything serious with a guy who had two autistic kids.
Enter the wing nut. (You can tell I like her...)
He met a woman at Narcotic's Anonymous. She'd been sober less than a year and was in the program as part of an adjudication for a drug offense. She was an RN who stole opiates from her patients. She was a single mom of a toddler and she moved FAST on my brother. When they were dating he told me "there is this girl who thinks she's my girlfriend, but I'm not so sure." But she was 10 years younger and he was flattered. And he's a total codependent chump.
With a couple months, she'd moved in with her child. Six months into the relationship, my grandfather died, and my brother inherited $800,000. She pushed hard for a commitment and got one. Less than a year after they met, they were married. She picked herself out an enormous ring.
It's two years later now -- total disaster. All the money is gone with nothing to show for it, except wisely, he bought a house for his kids. But about a half a million dollars is missing. They cry poor. My aging parents recently went to help them out around the house -- in June, and the xmas decorations were still up. Total chaos.
SIL bitches about my mother (who inherited a lot of money and is very generous to them with it). "Can't stand her," etc. She's secretive and moody. She's apparently has an online shopping addiction (was shopping on her phone at my parent's recent birthday party -- at dinner).
But the big weirdness is she's "sick." Too sick to get off the sofa and clean her house. There is some sort of breast cancer scare, but all the medical reports are conflicting and she doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. She gets "mad" at her doctors and doesn't like them. Then changes.
Recently learned she was "mad" because the state made her use certain doctors because of her addiction history. So, she won't go to those doctors.
She's too sick to clean or work (she "lost" her job as soon as she married my brother), but not sick enough to get a massage or go on vacations.
Sorry, this is long -- my point -- does this person sound like an addict to you? I sure think she's using, as it would explain the missing money and the moodiness and the mystery health problems. The supposedly go to NA meetings together.
Whatever is going on, I think she's using my brother and he's letting it happen. Told him so, now I'm detaching with love, as they say in recovery. Gone total no contact with him.
The other tragedy in all this, is my brother's kids. All his time, money, and attention go to the wingnut. I shudder to think if something happened to him and she was in charge of their care. She's robbed him, why stop at special needs kids?
Is there some other logical explanation for this craziness?
My brother is a recovering addict, sober 8 years. (I think, unclear at this point.) He's also the father of two special needs kids, twins. Their mom was also an addict. They divorced when he got clean. He's had sole custody.
Aside from his sobriety, he was really getting his life together. He's a good dad, a hand's on father, and has a steady job with our family business. He quit smoking, and lost a lot of weight, things were going well. Except he had some trouble dating, or got frustrated. Because he said no one wanted anything serious with a guy who had two autistic kids.
Enter the wing nut. (You can tell I like her...)
He met a woman at Narcotic's Anonymous. She'd been sober less than a year and was in the program as part of an adjudication for a drug offense. She was an RN who stole opiates from her patients. She was a single mom of a toddler and she moved FAST on my brother. When they were dating he told me "there is this girl who thinks she's my girlfriend, but I'm not so sure." But she was 10 years younger and he was flattered. And he's a total codependent chump.
With a couple months, she'd moved in with her child. Six months into the relationship, my grandfather died, and my brother inherited $800,000. She pushed hard for a commitment and got one. Less than a year after they met, they were married. She picked herself out an enormous ring.
It's two years later now -- total disaster. All the money is gone with nothing to show for it, except wisely, he bought a house for his kids. But about a half a million dollars is missing. They cry poor. My aging parents recently went to help them out around the house -- in June, and the xmas decorations were still up. Total chaos.
SIL bitches about my mother (who inherited a lot of money and is very generous to them with it). "Can't stand her," etc. She's secretive and moody. She's apparently has an online shopping addiction (was shopping on her phone at my parent's recent birthday party -- at dinner).
But the big weirdness is she's "sick." Too sick to get off the sofa and clean her house. There is some sort of breast cancer scare, but all the medical reports are conflicting and she doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. She gets "mad" at her doctors and doesn't like them. Then changes.
Recently learned she was "mad" because the state made her use certain doctors because of her addiction history. So, she won't go to those doctors.
She's too sick to clean or work (she "lost" her job as soon as she married my brother), but not sick enough to get a massage or go on vacations.
Sorry, this is long -- my point -- does this person sound like an addict to you? I sure think she's using, as it would explain the missing money and the moodiness and the mystery health problems. The supposedly go to NA meetings together.
Whatever is going on, I think she's using my brother and he's letting it happen. Told him so, now I'm detaching with love, as they say in recovery. Gone total no contact with him.
The other tragedy in all this, is my brother's kids. All his time, money, and attention go to the wingnut. I shudder to think if something happened to him and she was in charge of their care. She's robbed him, why stop at special needs kids?
Is there some other logical explanation for this craziness?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Your brother met her at an NA meeting so yes she is an addict too.. There is an old saying on here, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and it looks like a duck then it's a duck..
Your doing right by detaching with love.. It's sounds like your brother was doing well until his new wife came into the picture.. She sounds like your typical addict, manipulative, cunning and full of excuses..
I would set some strict boundaries in place when it comes to your brother and his family, however if you feel at any time that his kids are in danger then perhaps you will need to intervene somehow for their sake.. Sooner or later the money will run out and all will hit rock bottom..
Work on you and find some alanon or naranon meetings to go to for some support.. Addiction is a family disease and you need help too
Oh and welcome to the forums :-)
Your doing right by detaching with love.. It's sounds like your brother was doing well until his new wife came into the picture.. She sounds like your typical addict, manipulative, cunning and full of excuses..
I would set some strict boundaries in place when it comes to your brother and his family, however if you feel at any time that his kids are in danger then perhaps you will need to intervene somehow for their sake.. Sooner or later the money will run out and all will hit rock bottom..
Work on you and find some alanon or naranon meetings to go to for some support.. Addiction is a family disease and you need help too
Oh and welcome to the forums :-)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
This reeks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Combine that with addiction issues, and you better buckle up.
Borderlines are exceptionally good at smelling vulnerability in others, which is why she was able to move in on your brother so quickly. And the reason why she's still around is, more than likely, she's f**king his socks off in a way that's off the charts. It's all about the pleasure center.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do.
I would recommend two books: I Hate You Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. Both are excellent primers on BPD, and I bet her behavior will make a lot more sense after you read them.
As Jerect mentioned, I would find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting for support. Right now, the only thing you can control is you.
Best,
ZoSo
Borderlines are exceptionally good at smelling vulnerability in others, which is why she was able to move in on your brother so quickly. And the reason why she's still around is, more than likely, she's f**king his socks off in a way that's off the charts. It's all about the pleasure center.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do.
I would recommend two books: I Hate You Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells. Both are excellent primers on BPD, and I bet her behavior will make a lot more sense after you read them.
As Jerect mentioned, I would find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting for support. Right now, the only thing you can control is you.
Best,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks guys. Yeah, I think it quacks like a duck too.
As for the money running out and hitting bottom? Not gonna happen. Or I sincerely doubt it. My brother managed 20 years of addiction because he works for the family, and he's always had family money to bail him out. What made him get sober was his kids (thank god). And I hope his love for his kids, and the way his wife treats them like sh*t will wake him up. But hey, if spending his entire inheritance didn't strike him as a red flag, what will?
My mother inherited millions. And she gifts us a lot of money each year. (A small salary's worth). She won't stop "doing for her grandkids." Is how she sees it. They're kind of aware, but they think well, they'd rather buy their "peace."
I threw the Molotov cocktail into it last week, by telling my brother what we were all thinking -- she's a user and abuser.
And thanks, I was also thinking BPD. I was once (briefly) married to an abusive man, and I see all the same manipulations going on. Freaks me out for him. The gaslighting, the preposterous stories, the financial abuse. I told him she's disordered and to get help.
I know... nothing I can do. Thanks for listening. I appreciate the support!
As for the money running out and hitting bottom? Not gonna happen. Or I sincerely doubt it. My brother managed 20 years of addiction because he works for the family, and he's always had family money to bail him out. What made him get sober was his kids (thank god). And I hope his love for his kids, and the way his wife treats them like sh*t will wake him up. But hey, if spending his entire inheritance didn't strike him as a red flag, what will?
My mother inherited millions. And she gifts us a lot of money each year. (A small salary's worth). She won't stop "doing for her grandkids." Is how she sees it. They're kind of aware, but they think well, they'd rather buy their "peace."
I threw the Molotov cocktail into it last week, by telling my brother what we were all thinking -- she's a user and abuser.
And thanks, I was also thinking BPD. I was once (briefly) married to an abusive man, and I see all the same manipulations going on. Freaks me out for him. The gaslighting, the preposterous stories, the financial abuse. I told him she's disordered and to get help.
I know... nothing I can do. Thanks for listening. I appreciate the support!
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