Help. He walled me off after I called him on drinking
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Help. He walled me off after I called him on drinking
Hi, I need help.
My boyfriend got home from rehab last week. We had a great weekend together, but the last day I realized he was drinking and hiding it. And I think had been the whole weekend, at least parts. All during lots of talk of feeling better (although scared) and working on how he moves forward and builds off of rehab, his new sponsor, etc. We talked about it some, but I was sort of chicken and only confronted him halfway about it, we talked more hard core once I got home. I was clear and direct, no ********.
At first he said thats good, he needs that, he's shedding his ego. But minimized it, alot. When I said the nonchalance doesnt work, I can't be on board with pretending oe lying, then he got upset and walled off. He's hiding and digging a big hole and last night sent me an email that he can't "talk or love me into a fresh new loving atmosphere but I will try one more time. cool it!!! in a hurry or find someone else. I refuse to be the man that drags you down. Have never, will never play that role." I wrote back that I loved him, no more emails, and to take his time with all that's on his plate, and then if he can be straight with me and serious about taking care of himself, he knows where to find me.
That's right, right? I mean, I can't support the pretending and self-deception. I don't think he's been to a meeting and hasn't called his sponsor. Me talking straight feels like a threat and he's calling me on it and that may just be that, but having my own boundary and wall about that is best and the only thing that's healthy for him and for me, right?
I've never been through this before.
It makes sense in my gut although breaks my effing heart. I love him, and he's alone and lying to himself. Doctors at the hospital said he'd die if he went back to drinking, he blows that off.
This breaks my heart.
Any advice or feedback very welcome.
Sadie
My boyfriend got home from rehab last week. We had a great weekend together, but the last day I realized he was drinking and hiding it. And I think had been the whole weekend, at least parts. All during lots of talk of feeling better (although scared) and working on how he moves forward and builds off of rehab, his new sponsor, etc. We talked about it some, but I was sort of chicken and only confronted him halfway about it, we talked more hard core once I got home. I was clear and direct, no ********.
At first he said thats good, he needs that, he's shedding his ego. But minimized it, alot. When I said the nonchalance doesnt work, I can't be on board with pretending oe lying, then he got upset and walled off. He's hiding and digging a big hole and last night sent me an email that he can't "talk or love me into a fresh new loving atmosphere but I will try one more time. cool it!!! in a hurry or find someone else. I refuse to be the man that drags you down. Have never, will never play that role." I wrote back that I loved him, no more emails, and to take his time with all that's on his plate, and then if he can be straight with me and serious about taking care of himself, he knows where to find me.
That's right, right? I mean, I can't support the pretending and self-deception. I don't think he's been to a meeting and hasn't called his sponsor. Me talking straight feels like a threat and he's calling me on it and that may just be that, but having my own boundary and wall about that is best and the only thing that's healthy for him and for me, right?
I've never been through this before.
It makes sense in my gut although breaks my effing heart. I love him, and he's alone and lying to himself. Doctors at the hospital said he'd die if he went back to drinking, he blows that off.
This breaks my heart.
Any advice or feedback very welcome.
Sadie
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi and welcome. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. It's a great primer and there are a LOT of things to read under the "classic readings" titles. One of my favorites is the "Ten Things you can Do To Help Your Addict" post.
As far as books go, try Under the Influence and Co-Dependent No More. Also google the HBO movies titled "Addiction." They are online or you can order the whole set relatively cheaply -- I did. They are a crash course in the latest addiction studies from top researchers.
Hang out, ask questions, and read. There is a lot of wisdom here.
As far as books go, try Under the Influence and Co-Dependent No More. Also google the HBO movies titled "Addiction." They are online or you can order the whole set relatively cheaply -- I did. They are a crash course in the latest addiction studies from top researchers.
Hang out, ask questions, and read. There is a lot of wisdom here.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sadie, pardon me here, but I am unclear as to what you are describing or what you need.
It sounds as if you confronted him, he got angry, and you feel as if being a direct communicator is wrong somehow? Or that its right and you need validation of that?
So, let me try to take a stab here. Confrontation is rarely met with a good attitude, especially with someone who is defensive already (as addicts usually are). He knows the position he is in, and if he chooses to blow off Dr's orders and drink anyway, it really is his business. So him getting angry at your confrontation seems entirely normal in this circumstance.
Now, you may be totally right in your position (again unclear on what it actually is) but I suspect you didn't communicate your boundaries clearly. So what are they? Are you trying to say you won't be in a relationship with someone who drinks like he does? Who makes the choices he makes? If so, then let your actions do the talking for you. Your words, especially if they are words that have been said before, mean nothing to this guy. Back it up with action.
Hope this helps.
~T
It sounds as if you confronted him, he got angry, and you feel as if being a direct communicator is wrong somehow? Or that its right and you need validation of that?
So, let me try to take a stab here. Confrontation is rarely met with a good attitude, especially with someone who is defensive already (as addicts usually are). He knows the position he is in, and if he chooses to blow off Dr's orders and drink anyway, it really is his business. So him getting angry at your confrontation seems entirely normal in this circumstance.
Now, you may be totally right in your position (again unclear on what it actually is) but I suspect you didn't communicate your boundaries clearly. So what are they? Are you trying to say you won't be in a relationship with someone who drinks like he does? Who makes the choices he makes? If so, then let your actions do the talking for you. Your words, especially if they are words that have been said before, mean nothing to this guy. Back it up with action.
Hope this helps.
~T
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
You are doing the right thing.
He is still a fully practicing alcoholic. Drinking after being told it's could kill him. Sneaking drinks. Lying about drinking. Upset that somebody calls him out on it.
Really, there is no way to have a healthy relationship with somebody who is engaging in those behaviors.
Focus on YOU. On your life, on the things you need to be doing.
You can do nothing for him. He has to make his own decisions about this.
He is still a fully practicing alcoholic. Drinking after being told it's could kill him. Sneaking drinks. Lying about drinking. Upset that somebody calls him out on it.
Really, there is no way to have a healthy relationship with somebody who is engaging in those behaviors.
Focus on YOU. On your life, on the things you need to be doing.
You can do nothing for him. He has to make his own decisions about this.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Florence and fedup, thank you Ill
Check those links and resources for sure.
Tuffgirl, great questions, and thank you so much for your reply. I am seeking validation, as I've never had I have this sort of confrontation before, our relationship isn't that old and I'd thought he'd been trying to stop drinking, so this is all new. I learned more about hia dribking after finding him on the floor bloody from seizures, taking him to the ER/ICU for 8 days, then he was in rehab. so this is all unknown to me. These aren't words I've had o say before, ever, and I'm not totally sure footed.
I like your question about my intention. My intention is not to enable his lying to himself about his drinking being nothing. And not to support the idea he's toying with that he can drink responsibly -- I heard 5 doctors tell him otherwise. My intention is to be there for him if he is serious about his recovery, but not if he isn't. My intention in all relationships is to invest where people are honest and straight with themselves and with me, and not to when they can't or won't be. I hear what you're saying about backing that up with actions. I can do that.
Thank you also for the part about him being angry. He's lost a lot of people in his life before I knew him, and I think he's made choices to write them off when he felt challenged by people who care about him. I'm sure I did make him angry, and I guess I fear this is what's happening. I have to be willing to risk that, which I am. But my heart also hurts. So maybe that's why I come off unclear.
Check those links and resources for sure.
Tuffgirl, great questions, and thank you so much for your reply. I am seeking validation, as I've never had I have this sort of confrontation before, our relationship isn't that old and I'd thought he'd been trying to stop drinking, so this is all new. I learned more about hia dribking after finding him on the floor bloody from seizures, taking him to the ER/ICU for 8 days, then he was in rehab. so this is all unknown to me. These aren't words I've had o say before, ever, and I'm not totally sure footed.
I like your question about my intention. My intention is not to enable his lying to himself about his drinking being nothing. And not to support the idea he's toying with that he can drink responsibly -- I heard 5 doctors tell him otherwise. My intention is to be there for him if he is serious about his recovery, but not if he isn't. My intention in all relationships is to invest where people are honest and straight with themselves and with me, and not to when they can't or won't be. I hear what you're saying about backing that up with actions. I can do that.
Thank you also for the part about him being angry. He's lost a lot of people in his life before I knew him, and I think he's made choices to write them off when he felt challenged by people who care about him. I'm sure I did make him angry, and I guess I fear this is what's happening. I have to be willing to risk that, which I am. But my heart also hurts. So maybe that's why I come off unclear.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
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Oh, Sadielady, I am sending you hugs today. It hurts so much to watch someone that we love do things to destroy themselves.
I haven't seen it mentioned yet in this thread, so I'll say it...RUN to Al-Anon! You will find people who have dealt with this disease and know exactly what you are going through.
I hope that you find your own happiness.
BT
I haven't seen it mentioned yet in this thread, so I'll say it...RUN to Al-Anon! You will find people who have dealt with this disease and know exactly what you are going through.
I hope that you find your own happiness.
BT
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Broken tapestry, thank you, I sure needed that too. I'll take hugs!! And to you wherever you are today, and all of you on here, big hugs back.
I just looked up Al-Anon meetings and found a couple near me. I'll get myself to one. Just like here, I do definitely believe in the beautiful power of support from people in similar circumstances.
I just looked up Al-Anon meetings and found a couple near me. I'll get myself to one. Just like here, I do definitely believe in the beautiful power of support from people in similar circumstances.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Al-Anon and this forum will help open your heart to what your eyes already know! I learned early not to question or provoke them when they are under the influence. Read and learn as much as you can about this disease. I am sorry to say, but unless they get and stay in recovery...you will probably continue to get your heart broken because we cant do that for them - I wish we could!
There is a lot of support here that I am truly thankful for! Glad you found this site :-). We all understand. Keep reading and posting here - you will find peace and guidance.
There is a lot of support here that I am truly thankful for! Glad you found this site :-). We all understand. Keep reading and posting here - you will find peace and guidance.
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Ok - that makes sense now, and I am guessing you are British, hence some of the confusion of your post and my American ears.
Lots of good recommendations already. Also consider open AA meetings for a great education into alcoholism. As a non-alcoholic, you can attend open meetings as a guest. They should be clearly identified as open. If they aren't, assume they are closed to alcoholics/addicts only.
Good, good. Being there for someone who is serious about getting and staying sober is important. If he isn't, run! This isn't a roller coaster ride you'll want to willingly get on.
This is great, and I wholeheartedly agree. I too seek people who are authentic and genuine. If not - good riddance. However, you may be expecting too much from this guy right now. He's got some un-learning to do emotionally, and with that unlearning comes a void where one has to replace the bad habits with good ones. This takes a while for even the most committed person.
I also think being forthright and openly communicative with him is the right tactic...I just don't think you've got a guy receptive to it. Maybe the best tactic is to stay silent and keep your distance emotionally, and watch to see what he does next. More will be revealed.
I am seeking validation, as I've never had I have this sort of confrontation before, our relationship isn't that old and I'd thought he'd been trying to stop drinking, so this is all new
My intention is not to enable his lying to himself about his drinking being nothing. And not to support the idea he's toying with that he can drink responsibly -- I heard 5 doctors tell him otherwise. My intention is to be there for him if he is serious about his recovery, but not if he isn't.
My intention in all relationships is to invest where people are honest and straight with themselves and with me, and not to when they can't or won't be. I hear what you're saying about backing that up with actions. I can do that.
I also think being forthright and openly communicative with him is the right tactic...I just don't think you've got a guy receptive to it. Maybe the best tactic is to stay silent and keep your distance emotionally, and watch to see what he does next. More will be revealed.
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Thank you Tuffgirl, really many thanks, your generosity is lovely. That's funny, I'm not British, California in fact 
I am certai you're right that he's not ready, and I'm certain my straight talk was more than he can handle. I won't be doing more of it. I definitely will keep my emotional distance the way you describe. I half expect he won't get in touch, at least for now, although I don't know.
Maybe that's part of my question too. I left the ball in his court. I said clear your head, take care of your business and decide where you are, and if you can be straight with me and serious about your recovery, I hope you get in touch. The ball is in his court. I think I follow through, and do nothing. Wait to see what he does, if anything, knowing it could be nothing. That's the place where I'm least steady.
I am certai you're right that he's not ready, and I'm certain my straight talk was more than he can handle. I won't be doing more of it. I definitely will keep my emotional distance the way you describe. I half expect he won't get in touch, at least for now, although I don't know.
Maybe that's part of my question too. I left the ball in his court. I said clear your head, take care of your business and decide where you are, and if you can be straight with me and serious about your recovery, I hope you get in touch. The ball is in his court. I think I follow through, and do nothing. Wait to see what he does, if anything, knowing it could be nothing. That's the place where I'm least steady.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Dear sadielady, sadly, he is showing you who he is. He may have gone through a rehab program, but does not sound like he is ready for real recovery. He hasn't gone to a meeting, hasn't called his sponsor, he's drinking, and is angry when confronted with his own behavior. That does not bode well for your relationship. Sounds like he has yet to be successful in a relationship.
If love was enough to save the A, they'd all be sober !!! But it's not. Learn the 3 C's here: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. The only thing you can do is decide what you want in your life. This is a progressive disease, without real recovery he will only get worse. It does no good to call him out on his drinking, it is truly his decision to drink or not.
You say this relationship is young. Kindly, I would offer that you need to consider making a break and saving your own sanity. Leave him to his Higher Power for now. Find an AlAnon meeting, and start working on keeping the focus on your own health. Don't put the ball in his court, decide for yourself what is best for you.
If love was enough to save the A, they'd all be sober !!! But it's not. Learn the 3 C's here: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. The only thing you can do is decide what you want in your life. This is a progressive disease, without real recovery he will only get worse. It does no good to call him out on his drinking, it is truly his decision to drink or not.
You say this relationship is young. Kindly, I would offer that you need to consider making a break and saving your own sanity. Leave him to his Higher Power for now. Find an AlAnon meeting, and start working on keeping the focus on your own health. Don't put the ball in his court, decide for yourself what is best for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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i agree with recovering...as this is a young relationship you are only seeing a tiny piece of him....there's ALL the stuff before you met...obviously he didn't take up drinking last week. this has been a long long battle for him and you aren't the first to bring it to his attention that he has a drinking problem. nor are your words probably any more (or less) impactful than those of the doctors.
i wouldn't sit there too long waiting and watching and hoping for some magical outburst of reason on his part. he didn't last a week out of rehab before drinking again. IN SPITE of all that happened. alcoholics do that....drink, knowing that its poison to them. yet they will protect that poison at all costs. and shut out anyone and everyone who even tries to take it away from them.
i wouldn't sit there too long waiting and watching and hoping for some magical outburst of reason on his part. he didn't last a week out of rehab before drinking again. IN SPITE of all that happened. alcoholics do that....drink, knowing that its poison to them. yet they will protect that poison at all costs. and shut out anyone and everyone who even tries to take it away from them.
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Recovering and Anvilhead, your words feel like truth. I think today in writing this I'm already grieving. He doesn't see or believe what a beautiful human being he is, and no amount of me thinking so saves him here. There's so much that's not fair here. He's alone, and hurting himself, and there's nothing I can do about that.
Your words aren't fun to hear, but they help. They fit with where my conscience leads too.
Your words aren't fun to hear, but they help. They fit with where my conscience leads too.
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A trap that I always fell into was focussing on their POTENTIAL rather than the reality of the situation. Yes maybe in a sober life they are a nice person have potential etc but reality is they aren,t in s sober life so potential is a wste of time and we definitely can,t love them into seeing anything.
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