Please help! What is the proper response?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Please help! What is the proper response?
So, I get to work this morning, and the AH (STBX, but he doesn't know that yet) left me a message that he took all of the pills that he could find because he wants to end his life. Then, he remembered that we have a 5yo daughter and that it would be selfish to kill himself, and so he called me for help. I found out the best that I could what he had taken, told him to unlock the door, and called 911. I'm not going over to see him. I'm still going to meet the lawer today.
I guess first I need some major hugs to try and get through today. I may need to end my marriage to protect myself and our daughter, but that doesn't mean that I want the AH to kill himself. So, I'm upset.
The other thing I need to know, is this just an escalation in tactics? I went no contact, and am trying to let him have his consequences. But, what am I supposed to do when someone calls and says that they are going to kill themselves? Delete the message and let him die if he is going to die?
Am I still swooping in to rescue? I'm so confused and am crying at my desk.
I guess first I need some major hugs to try and get through today. I may need to end my marriage to protect myself and our daughter, but that doesn't mean that I want the AH to kill himself. So, I'm upset.
The other thing I need to know, is this just an escalation in tactics? I went no contact, and am trying to let him have his consequences. But, what am I supposed to do when someone calls and says that they are going to kill themselves? Delete the message and let him die if he is going to die?
Am I still swooping in to rescue? I'm so confused and am crying at my desk.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You did the right thing. Take every suicide threat seriously and call 911. He will be in the hands of professionals. I also agree with your decision not to run over to see him. Don't give him the attention he's wanting. Let the professionals handle it.
So sorry you are in this position. I know from experience how incredibly difficult it is. Major (((((HUGS)))) going out to you.
So sorry you are in this position. I know from experience how incredibly difficult it is. Major (((((HUGS)))) going out to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I agree with the other posters that you did the right thing.
If you ignored it and something happened, that would be a tough one to deal with, even though you'd know he was the one that was responsible for taking the pills.
I also think not going to see him was the right choice as well. It does sound like a bit of a manipulation tactic... and one that can be very difficult to deal with because it will get even the most stable person worried and upset.
Calling the cops lets him know that this won't get him anywhere with you in the future. He probably wasn't hoping to have the cops show up at his door. He was probably hoping to get more attention from you. I find it hard to believe he could take the pills and THEN remember he has a daughter? Who forgets that they have a kid?? And then need to call you when he could have called the cops himself?? I think he's doing it for a reaction from you. It doesn't show very much maturity or a sense of self-responsibility on his part.
If you ignored it and something happened, that would be a tough one to deal with, even though you'd know he was the one that was responsible for taking the pills.
I also think not going to see him was the right choice as well. It does sound like a bit of a manipulation tactic... and one that can be very difficult to deal with because it will get even the most stable person worried and upset.
Calling the cops lets him know that this won't get him anywhere with you in the future. He probably wasn't hoping to have the cops show up at his door. He was probably hoping to get more attention from you. I find it hard to believe he could take the pills and THEN remember he has a daughter? Who forgets that they have a kid?? And then need to call you when he could have called the cops himself?? I think he's doing it for a reaction from you. It doesn't show very much maturity or a sense of self-responsibility on his part.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Agreed with the other posters, you handled it exactly right. Definitely classic manipulation & escalated quacking, likely in reaction to you going NC. Either way, he's an adult & needs to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
((((((HUGS)))))) Hang in there!!!!!
((((((HUGS)))))) Hang in there!!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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call 911 when we hear those words
Originally Posted by Brokentapestry 
But, what am I supposed to do when someone calls and says that they are going to kill themselves?
Am I still swooping in to rescue?
you did the right thing
I also had to call 911 in the past when two different friends
shared with me on the phone that they were going to kill themselves
we need not to run over to where they are
but
we must always call 911 when we hear those words
it's out of our hands after that
I also had to call 911 in the past when two different friends
shared with me on the phone that they were going to kill themselves
we need not to run over to where they are
but
we must always call 911 when we hear those words
it's out of our hands after that
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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You did PERFECT.
I, too, suspect it was all a huge manipulation, but you can't go wrong calling 911. If he is really suicidal they will deal with it (you aren't qualified), and if it was game-playing he will think twice about pulling that particular stunt again.
Hugs, you were awesome.
I, too, suspect it was all a huge manipulation, but you can't go wrong calling 911. If he is really suicidal they will deal with it (you aren't qualified), and if it was game-playing he will think twice about pulling that particular stunt again.
Hugs, you were awesome.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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The other thing I need to know, is this just an escalation in tactics?
My STBXAH used threats of suicide to draw lines in the sand. One time was to keep me from probing too deeply about where our money was going and provided a great excuse why he was too fragile to work harder or longer hours. I fell for it. Another time was after I had stopped falling for his lines, and he wanted to shock me into keeping him around.
Put very plainly, people who want to DIE -- or are so unhappy in their lives that they want the pain to end, THUS are suicidal -- don't go around telling everyone about it. They just do it. People who don't want to feel abandoned and alone anymore will pull out all the stops to make sure someone rushes to their sides. I've seen it over and over again in my life, friends and family members, completed suicide attempts and incomplete ones alike. "Successful" suicide isn't preceded with a plea to be saved. That's what people usually call a "cry for help," and anymore what I call "drama I don't want."
It sounds harsh when I say it like that -- ha -- but seriously, he needs to get ahold of himself.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thanks everyone for the hugs and support! I am doing better now. The police transported him to the hospital for an evaluation.
I do believe that this is manipulation, but, I don't want to not take it seriously and have something happen that I could have prevented with a 911 phone call.
This is the sixth time something like this has happened in the past 7 months. I now recognize that this has become a pattern with AH and all of the people in his life. Things get horrible, he burns his bridges, becomes almost homeless, and then he threatens to harm himself or overdoses on something. He stays a week in the hospital, makes promises about getting sober, and all of his enablers flood back into his life. People who had written him off allow him back into their lives and their homes. Wow. That is really manipulative and sick! Brilliant, but so sick!
The difference is that this time my reaction was/will be different. I didn't go over. I won't go visit him in the hospital. I called 911. I will treat these threats seriously and call 911 EVERYTIME. I will remain no contact. I will work today. I will pick up our daughter tonight. I will go to my Al-anon group tonight as planned. HIS crisis does not have to become MY crisis. I can choose to be happy today.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
I do believe that this is manipulation, but, I don't want to not take it seriously and have something happen that I could have prevented with a 911 phone call.
This is the sixth time something like this has happened in the past 7 months. I now recognize that this has become a pattern with AH and all of the people in his life. Things get horrible, he burns his bridges, becomes almost homeless, and then he threatens to harm himself or overdoses on something. He stays a week in the hospital, makes promises about getting sober, and all of his enablers flood back into his life. People who had written him off allow him back into their lives and their homes. Wow. That is really manipulative and sick! Brilliant, but so sick!
The difference is that this time my reaction was/will be different. I didn't go over. I won't go visit him in the hospital. I called 911. I will treat these threats seriously and call 911 EVERYTIME. I will remain no contact. I will work today. I will pick up our daughter tonight. I will go to my Al-anon group tonight as planned. HIS crisis does not have to become MY crisis. I can choose to be happy today.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Things get horrible, he burns his bridges, becomes almost homeless, and then he threatens to harm himself or overdoses on something. He stays a week in the hospital, makes promises about getting sober, and all of his enablers flood back into his life. People who had written him off allow him back into their lives and their homes. Wow. That is really manipulative and sick! Brilliant, but so sick!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Brokentapestry
The difference is that this time my reaction was/will be different. I didn't go over. I won't go visit him in the hospital. I called 911. I will treat these threats seriously and call 911 EVERYTIME. I will remain no contact. I will work today. I will pick up our daughter tonight. I will go to my Al-anon group tonight as planned. HIS crisis does not have to become MY crisis. I can choose to be happy today.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Brokentapestry
The difference is that this time my reaction was/will be different. I didn't go over. I won't go visit him in the hospital. I called 911. I will treat these threats seriously and call 911 EVERYTIME. I will remain no contact. I will work today. I will pick up our daughter tonight. I will go to my Al-anon group tonight as planned. HIS crisis does not have to become MY crisis. I can choose to be happy today.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
I think I might throw myself a parade for that last paragraph! I can choose to be happy! Weird.
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