What to do?

Old 06-25-2013, 02:51 AM
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What to do?

20+ years married, never anything less than 100% faithful. I take "For better or worse" literally. Always work as much as it takes to do it right. Devoted to my best friend and daughter.

Now here's the question - Since I can't stop her from drinking, do I wait out the inevitable destructive end that will be a slow death, a sudden accident, arrests and fines, unbearable insurance rates, destroyed friendships and relationships, or do I go see a divorce lawyer and get on with the lives that my daughter and I deserve?

Up until now, I've always looked at standing by, picking up the pieces and just accepting drunk and argumentative for who she is, as doing the right thing. This allows me to honor my vows. Now its apparent that she is lost, and I have the responsibility of a 13 year old superstar daughter to consider above all else. Then there's the guilty feeling that I want more for my own life.

Guilt comes from knowing that she would survive the breast cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries, but believing that alcoholism will kill her. When the doctor gave her the picnic basket full of drugs... I knew right then, that there was no escape for her. She's a broken shell of a beautiful, vibrant woman that I once loved.

I have no idea how to help her. I'm usually told that I can't help her. I know that divorcing her certainly won't help her. But it would help me and difficult and confusing as it would be, would ultimately help my daughter. These are just the personal ramifications I face. Financially and professionally things are a lot more difficult. Sell the only home my daughter has ever known, dissolution of several LLCs and possibly force a sale of my business (our livelihood) are almost foregone conclusions.

The future for my wife... I can't really imagine what that would be. I'm probably being egotistical and selfish, but I don't know if she'll survive - not for too long anyway - not without her changing her ways. If she were to lose my insurance, she won't make it financially.

The nagging question comes back to - What about me? What about my daughter? It is now my completely selfish goal to raise my daughter on my own, making decisions that I know are in her best interests - Away from the destructive influences of a career alcoholic. But being the faithful, committed husband, I feel cursed to stay in this demonic, emotional wreck of a life despite the negative impact it has on my daughter. If so, clinging to the hope that my alcoholic wife will follow a path of recovery (one she's never embraced). She has given me every reason to doubt her ability to stay sober.

My Irish-Catholic upbringing instills the guilt deep within. My late, pragmatic father taught me the meaning of the term "family-man" with his unwavering strength of character. My mother, by means of her pure faith, devotion and compassion, has made me caring. By the actions I'm considering, I feel like a traitor, a quitter - A failure.

My fear is that I will care too much... Feel too guilty... Accept her back to wait for the soon to be broken promise of her sobriety. This is what I do. I feel guilty that I expect failure from her. I would almost guarantee it. If it weren't for my guilt, I could leave 'almost' out of the sentence.

I don't want this.
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:35 AM
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Welcome! You will find a lot of wisdom here. Others will post much wisdom, wisdom achieved as a result of similar experiences .
I can only speak for myself..Finally ending a 38 year marriage. It's not going to get easier. For me, making that decision was one of the hardest decisions in my 62 years of life. That was gut wrenching. However, once you figure out that YOU deserve better, the guilt decreases. Your daughter deserves better! When you focus on making those two things a priority in your life, the balance changes. It's a process filled with tiny baby steps and the slow process of detachment. I will tell you, detachment was a life saver for me. Once, I experienced the peace in my life, I wanted more. It was easier to make important decisions. I started to focus on the positives in my life. My priority was no longer the chaos of the world of the alcoholic and it was blissful. There is light at the end of this long hard road.. Good luck and we're here for you.
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:00 AM
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Welcome!

As an adult child of an alcoholic I advocate for the child. Get her out of the toxic alcoholic home and pattern how you would want her to respond to unacceptable behavior. Sadly, many of us children of dysfunctional alcoholic homes end up alcoholic or marrying them... all 6 of us in my family played out this pattern.

As for the Irish Catholic view I understand from one of my Catholic friends whose marriage is in trouble that there are some new programs within the Church that may be helpful (often clergy do not understand the disease of alcoholism and are pretty black and white so use caution here).

My Christian perspective is that my XA was the one in our relationship that was destroying our relationship with his decision to drink when he full well knew that it led to behaviors that were not only destructive and hurtful but also sinful (stealing, lying, abusive behaviors).

We were both in Christian counseling for years and my boundary was no alcohol... period. When he drank I separated myself from him and when he was committed to recovery we always ended up reconciling. Sadly, I was a yo-yo on a string and this crazy pattern of "relapse vacations" continued for years. Finally I set a 1 year of recovery boundary that he has yet to come close to achieving for me to consider a reconciliation. At this point I would rather stick pins in my eyes than take him back so I think I am finally "recovered"! lol.

Time is your friend. It appears your choices are to either to hover, helicopter and run interference and SUFFER and keep her alive in her drinking (enabling) or ... allow her the opportunity to suffer her own consequences.

Did you know you can file a divorce or separation and actually put in the filing that she can avert the divorce by taking certain actions (detox, program, length of sobriety etc)?

I am the expert at "forcing" recovery and I dragged my XA into treatment so many times I can't even count... he could lead groups if he wanted.

But he wasn't done drinking and programs are just geography...true spiritual recovery is within the A.

But... being forced to deal with life on lifes terms sure makes everything crystal clear in a short amount of time.

And I noticed that God didn't put up with Israel's sin and He always separated Himself when they were acting out! It didn't take too long before they were repenting in a hurry when they were being carried off to Babylon or whatever!

So... you already know that whats been happening isn't working and that separating has a shot at working (if she really wants it) and you can spell out your own boundaries and even put it in writing and involve the church if you decide to try that...

It worked for me. Boundaries are for you... and for your daughter. Break the cycle of addiction in the next generation. Don't let your little girl grow and become alcoholic or marry one like I did

Is she in alateen? Are you in alanon? If not... don't walk ... run to a meeting!
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:33 AM
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Welcome LUCAN

I hear the pain of that internal struggle in you post. It comes across to me that you know the things to do that are right for the happiness and right to thrive for you and your daughter, but struggle with the guilt of what that will mean for your wife. She has to find that happiness for herself, she could have it now with you if she chose, but she choses not to. That is her choice, however painful that is for you to see. Now you have to make your choice too. It is very very hard, I know that.

I'm also an adult child of an alcoholic and cannot state enough the negative impact of living with an alcoholic mother and codependant father. You parents teach you what to expect and accept from life from how they behave (much more so than by their words). What are the conditions you would like to model for your child so she grows up healthy, balanced, happy and able to make great choices for herself as an adult? How does that compare to what you are modelling now? You don't have to answer those questions here, just something to think about.
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:48 AM
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One way to look at this is that you have dual responsibilities and accountabilities that are in conflict with each. To accomplish one, you have to abandon the other one. It is truly an "either/or" choice.

If you stay with your alcoholic wife, especially at the level of advanced alcoholism you are describing, you cannot create a healthy emotional and physical environment for your daughter.

If you take your daughter and create the life she deserves, your wife cannot be part of that life as she is now.

I am not Catholic, but I seem to remember - correct me if I am wrong - that when a child is born, if there is a medical problem, it is the child's life that is protected before the mother's life.

If you take your daughter and create a happy, healthy, sustaining environment for her, what you are really acknowledging is that your wife has abandoned you and your daughter, not the other way around. As you say so poignantly, "she's a broken shell of a beautiful, vibrant woman that I once loved."

You didn't leave her and break your vows; she left you for the mistress of alcohol. Your wife has the choice to give up her alcohol and become healthy.

Your daughter, at 13, is at a very crucial stage of her life where growing through adolescence into the woman she was meant to be will be challenging enough without the devastation of a disruptive dysfunctional mother. Better for your daughter to face the truth of what her mother is now than to feel that she is responsible and failing her mother. She needs all her and your strength to grow into who she has the potential to be.

Having raised 5 kids, 3 of them daughters, mothers and daughters go through a difficult relationship during their teen years. Your daughter needs to navigate the normal normal adolescent angst with her mother. To do this in the context of profound alcoholism, will amplify the difficulty exponentially. She needs to model herself on her mother at the same time she rebels against her mother and becomes her own person. Yet, as the child of an alcoholic father, I know that children, often without knowing it, think "if I were a better daughter, my mother wouldn't behave like this. It is my fault; I am guilty; I have failed." This just isn't going to be easy unless she internalizes that her mother is very ill, and that she is not responsible for her mother's illness or behavior.

Just my thoughts, take what you want and leave the rest.

Glad to have you aboard here on SoberRecovery. It has been a godsend for me for the past year. I left my abusive alcoholic husband of 20 years, and a year later, I am happier, more contented, and free again. There is joy in my life again.

I felt anguish at leaving someone I loved so deeply, but living with him was so despairing that I almost lost myself. It's not that I don't still love him - I probably always will at some level. I was going under for the third time, and I had to save myself since he would not give up his addictions to repair our life together.

Now, the light is back in my life and in my spirit. I wish the same for you and your daughter.

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Old 06-25-2013, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by LUCAN View Post
My Irish-Catholic upbringing instills the guilt deep within. My late, pragmatic father taught me the meaning of the term "family-man" with his unwavering strength of character. My mother, by means of her pure faith, devotion and compassion, has made me caring. By the actions I'm considering, I feel like a traitor, a quitter - A failure.
Welcome Lucan. I just wanted to comment on the part I quoted here...I'm also Irish-Catholic, and boy is that some strong guilt! I'm also very early on in this whole process. That being said, I knew I would not be able to work through the guilt without having my family on board with my decisions, regardless of what they were. So, I spoke with my mother (and then father & siblings) fairly early on. I was honest about what is happening and the pain it has caused me. I now have their full support whatever happens, and that helps tremendously in my recovery.

My mother did ask me to speak with the priest at our parish, which I did. It helped that our priest is in recovery (I've now learned that alcoholism is not uncommon in the priesthood). He empathized with my situation, and advised me that my marriage, as it was, is over and that I should work myself through the grieving process. Should RAH and I stay together, it will be in a new relationship. Should we not stay together, I do feel that I have the understanding of our priest. So, I guess what I am trying to say is some of the Catholic views are changing. I do not believe that the intention of the church is to expect people to stay in harmful relationships to abide by their teachings.

Again, welcome, you will find lots of support here.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:08 AM
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Lucan, have you considered a legal separation. Separation is not divorce. ??

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Old 06-25-2013, 10:14 AM
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Welcome Lucan, I'm glad you found us but sorry for the reason you were looking.

I think if we look at the whole picture of where we're at it becomes so overwhelming it can take your breath away where you just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head, ugh. Take little steps Lucan, get help for yourself and your daughter, Al-Anon, Alateen. Get support from those you are close to and keep open communication with your daughter. There is life beyond alcoholism and you already made your first step by coming here.
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Old 06-25-2013, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
.You didn't leave her and break your vows; she left you for the mistress of alcohol. Your wife has the choice to give up her alcohol and become healthy.
I think that this is such an excellent and important point!

SHE is leaving your family. She knows the impact of what she is doing on you and your daughter, and she is making her choice.

Welcome to SR. This board is full of amazing people!
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:56 AM
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Whole lotta navel gazing in all that. Look I am all Jesus-freaky at times, too. But Jesus did not try to marry a drunk to save the world. This stuff is more like Proverbs, anyway.

Here is how I am handling things, just for another view, if desired.

Three kids -- the "superstar" daughter is 11, but the boys 8 and 6 are top, too.

Mrs. Hammer is back a little over 6 months from rehab. Pretty much a self-centered jerk. Not uncommon, I hear.

So -- that background -- You (or I or anyone) can only have One #1 Priority. Learned that in Army Leadership. The #1 Priority is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know that she is not a #1 priority.

What I learned in Alanon -- To take care of the #1 Priority, I have to take care of me. (Yeah, real mind-upsetting-thing for a Codie). So #2, I take care of me. So that I can take care of the kids. Mrs. Hammer is not me, so she is not even #2.

Real deal, Mrs. Hammer (and your Mrs.) can either take care of themselves, or cannot, but either way none of that is [y]our problem, anyway.
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