Sonrisa12

I find this fascinating, I really do.

I've noticed that we are a society of drinkers - our chosen legal drug, and that more people than not, well, drink. Thats fine - to each is own and its okay. But people, friends, aquaintances, strangers - when they learn that you are not 'drinking' - it shocks them, unerves them, makes them almost insecure.

Why? Why should it matter?

it matters because we have become an alcohol driven society. Just watch a few programs on TV at night. Its about glasses of wine and dinner. its about solving your problems - or having a problem and using alcohol to numb it.

I asked the bartender to make me a bloody mary, without alcholol please. He said, without alcohol, are you sure? Um, yes butthead, i said without alcohol. The couple next to me - so you are not drinking? No, Im not. I have to work tomorrow. Thankfully the wife said, it is a work day hon - that is why she doesn't want to drink.

No - I dont want to drink because I hate the way it makes me feel. But I guess in a bar area you have to expect that sort of reaction. it just amazes me that I am comfortable saying NO, but other people are so uncomfortable to hear NO.

Anyone else find this in the masses?

ScottFromWI

I think it's a misconception that the masses hang out in bars. Since I've quit I find that most people really couldn't care less if I am drinking or not.

Sonrisa12

Not just bars - restaurants, even airplanes. Im encountering it everywhere. Maybe its because I am traveling so much? But I find the 'masses' everywhere these days...

blueeyescrying

Hey Sonrisa,

Good to hear you're staying strong.

On topic, people who are drinking quite simply don't trust people who aren't.
It throws the playing field out of whack, like the runner on steroids. Unfair advantage.
In the drunk mind, a sober person creates paranoia, because someone's going to remember what you said and did; and, in turn, resentment, because you feel you need to keep yourself in check.
In my community, drinking is more the rule than the exception. I remember a few years ago when my friend was pregnant. She talked to me once about this, about how people at social gatherings seemed to feel uncomfortable around her. Before the pregnancy, our girls nights always involved wine. I didn't say anything at the time, but I remember ending our visits earlier, so I could get away and not feel I had to restrain myself.

Sad, but true. xBlue

fantail

I haven't found this at all. I've found the reverse... at the start I was all set up with an excuse that no one ever asked for. I was traveling recently and expected to be offered booze at every turn, but I wasn't until my last day on the road... and when I said no the other guy kind of apologized for drinking himself until I reassured him that if I were him I'd be happily sipping whiskey myself. And at bars the bartenders tend to be nice about it. I've found they usually don't charge me at all for a soda. Maybe they think I'm driving?

Dunno. I guess I've been lucky. Sorry people have been giving you a hard time!

SnwFlower

I agree with you Sonrisa, I notice it everywhere too. It wasn't until after I quit that I realized how much alcohol is so extremely integrated into our society, into our everyday lives. It's weird to me now.

bexxed

We find what we look for. Really. If I only looked to my coworkers, I'd be screwed. It's a drinking culture at my work. But I just spent a weekend with my family and it was never brought up, not once. No one in my family had the opportunity to find out that I'd stopped drinking. On the plane ride to and from, sure, there's the options to buy a drink, there are bars in airports, but count them. 2 or 3 bars for 2 or 3 coffeeshops, along with 5 or 6 other restaurants that don't serve alcohol. Look at the flight attendant's tray. Usually, for every 12 drinks on it, 1 or 2 is alcohol.

Drinking IS engrained in our culture, for sure. But it's as absent as it is engrained. It has a place, is all. I was really pleased to change the lenses on my eyes with the help of this forum and see that really, it's not just me that's not drinking. Most people don't go to bars. I encourage you to do the same statistical analysis. It's amazing.

Dollyangel17

I find it the same as you Fantail. The bar I used to hang out in, I still go to every weekend (I know...not recommended, but believe it or not...I have yet to have a problem with temptation there...did most of my drinking at home). I still go there, because I became good friends with the bartenders there, and am quite friendly with the other "regulars". When I go, they sometimes still say.."still not drinking?", and when I respond yes, they reply with that's great, and you look really good.

Regulars are the same....they seem genuinely happy for me that am not drinking. I still chat with them like I did before, and sometimes they pick up my soda tab:-)

All in all....am having a good experience on that front.

lilyrosemary

i also agree with fantial...when i was actively drinking, i would see that "everyone drinks" i think, because maybe thats what i wanted to see. when i quit i noticed in restaurants, at a lot of social gatherings, a lot of people werent drinking, and if they did, it was one or two, then maybe switch to soda or water...like a normal person, which i was not, am not, can't drink that way. and the best part of all, for me, is when the obsession was lifted, it became a non issue. just didnt notice anything because i just didnt care : )

Joe Nerv

Once alcohol was out of my life for certain, I found the opposite to be true. While I was drinking, and while I was getting sober, I felt like a minority. I'm pretty certain now that it's the other way around now.

I go out to eat constantly, with lots and lots of people not in recovery. I rarely encounter people drinking. When I do it's usually minimal too.

If I were hanging out in a bar, well... duh! People are in bars to drink. Asking for non alcoholic beverages in a bar is like going to a steakhouse for a vegetarian dinner. I'll cut people slack on planes too, because I think people are often nervous flying. But I'm not sure how accurate that is either, as I travel a lot also. Last time I was flying I was a little nervous and a tad jealous of those who could drink to calme their nerves. I consciously watched as people ordered their beverages and I only saw one person order alcohol.

I think we have a skewed view of things when we're stil hanging with our drinking buddies, or still living in the world we live in when active. Getting an staying sober put me into a different world, but it took a little time.

wolfpackfan45

I'm not an alcoholic, but my son is. I rarely drink as I just don't enjoy it . I think the reality is actually the opposite. Most of the people I work with and the majority of my neighbors and friends don't drink all that often. We're busy making a living and doing other things in our leisure time. I think the media and advertising makes it look as if everyone is spending their time drinking, but it's just not reality. I fly quite a bit and rarely anyone orders alcohol on the flights I'm on. I eat dinner out often with my family and friends and many patrons aren't drinking. Sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll order a beer and at other times I 'll have a soda. No one ever mentions it. I've found this at cocktail parties too. The only time I notice what others are drinking is when there's someone who's making a fool of himself because he's drunk. I think you're noticing it more because you're in recovery. It's like when someone tells you not to think about a pink elephant and then you can't think of anything else. You're more aware of alcohol right now and sensitive to it. Just my spin.

BabyJane

I lost a whole bunch of "friends" when I quit drinking... People who would drunkenly tell me things like, "I love you dude, friends forever..." And whatnot were GONE as soon as they realized I was serious about quitting. The few times I have seen my old drinking buddies at a party or event, they act really awkward around me. They ask me if I am "still in AA or whatever" and ask me when I will drink with them again, as if they couldn't see all the damage it did to my life... I guess the hard truth is that they don't really care much. They never did. It bothered me for a while until I accepted it and made new friends, who, as I've previously said, are REAL FRIENDS and care about me no matter what.

What's that quote? "A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed?"
LOL.

Live2Run25

I lost almost ALL of my friends when I quit drinking. Most of the people I went out with were alcoholics themselves and they didn't want to see me getting my crap together. A friend told me that when I stopped coming out they'd sit around and make bets about how long i'd last.. it's been around 390 days. I'm anxious to know if they've given up. Unlike most here, I do see A LOT of drinking no matter where I go. Dinners out, hockey games, baseball games, THE MOVIES..everywhere! It just doesn't bother me anymore. I can't let it.

DarkDays

I agree the masses well certainly in the Uk do drink, ba ba ba. Love watching them congregating like herds outside bars/Pubs in Londons West end like sheep. Pack up smoking or crack cocaine, well done sir. Stop drinking, get the Spanish inquisition. Gotta laugh at the deluded masses.

dbaguy

I've had similar experiences. I don't drink, not because I'm an alcoholic, but because I just don't enjoy it anymore (plus I was usually the sober driver for my wife's drinking...). In any case, if we were around our neighbors and everyone was drinking it seemed to make them all a bit crazy that they couldn't get me to have even a beer. My wife used to be the worst at getting on my case about it. I think it made her feel better about her drinking if/when I would even have a glass of wine or one drink.

I don't know how many times people wanted an explanation for WHY I wasn't drinking, like I was some sort of freak. I finally have gotten to the point when someone says "why don't you ever just have a beer?" my response is a pointed "because I don't want one" with no further explanation, they can take it or leave it. It IS nice that I've built a strong resistance to people's BS about it as I think it helps my wife to see (since she's "in recovery") that not all "normal" people even care about alcohol.

It is interesting to watch her friends reactions to her getting sober. Some are really really supportive (most) while others seem confused and still send her texts when they're messed up asking her to come out. I guess some people just don't get it.

bigsombrero

Couldn't agree more. As a drunk, I never enjoyed a sober person at the happy hour bar after work - a Debbie Downer amongst us would spoil my good time. With sober eyes on me, I couldn't slam drinks, couldn't hit on the cute girls, couldn't "let go". As an alcoholic, I truly resented non-drinkers at bars. I hated them.

As a sober individual, we have a hard time fitting in with drinkers because, deep down, we still loathe the non-drinker. We still harbor resentment towards them , from days past. It's tattooed in our brains that non-drinkers = wet blankets.

Thing is, the drinkers who aren't alcoholics don't really think that way. We project our alcoholic thinking on them and ASSUME they think we're dorks - now, some of them do, and those folks often have problems themselves. But, you have to re-learn that, in fact, many good people DO NOT and WILL NOT resent you in any way for not drinking. Strange, ain't it? But true!

RunningClean

I'm only in my 4th week of sobriety, and I've been in pubs more often than is probably wise in that time, but I play in band, we practice in a room above a pub, and we gig in pubs.

So far the only people who've nagged me to drink are the bar staff....but these are people I'm on good friendly terms with (obviously, considering that Im an alcoholic!) and I know that they're just ribbing me. They don't know the extent of my problem and when I order a diet coke someone will make a wisecrack, we'll have have a little laugh, and that's it, forgotten. When I order my next diet coke it isn't any kind of a deal.

If anything, I've come to notice how *little* my friends drink! And consequently, I've started to see more of them, as I can now join them in the fun stuff that they do that I previously would have avoided because I was either drinking or hungover.

Sonrisa12

Thanks for your responses everyone! A good post as there are several great opinions here. I'm happy I shared my thoughts.

The most profound post to me was from BlueEyesCrying - that hit home for me because I feel you are right - drinkers like company and don't 'trust' those who don't. What you wrote made a lot of sense to me, thanks for sharing!

I have friends who drink and friends who don't drink - I got questioned on the why today - and she accepted it and said Good For You! Of course, she doesnt know the extent of the problem, but thats my business. My point is that she is very supportive. So I guess that is what will ultimately happen. Surround myself around my supportive friends, let go of the ones who aren't. Hard though.

SnowedUnder

NW represent! Err...or something. So many socially acceptable places and excuses to get drunk here, I heard a woman greet her friends with "hello my beautiful winos" the other day.