Just found out My boyfriend of almost 3 years has been using cocaine for about 1 year
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
Just found out My boyfriend of almost 3 years has been using cocaine for about 1 year
Well, last night after dinner we watched some TV and my BF started complaining about not being about to breathe well, feeling short of breath and chest pain. He suggested we go to the hospital. I found that strange but who am I to question whether or not he is sick enough for the emergency room. so we got dressed and headed to the car. As he was walking to the car, he said ok I'm gonna tell you something but I don't want you to judge me. I said ok...
So he then proceeded to tell me that he had used cocaine about 2 months ago and he felt so bad he had to go to the emergency room. He said he thought he was going to die. Naturally I was in shock, but I knew he was confiding in me, and I was glad he did so I tried to keep a handle on getting too upset or causing too much of an argument. It mostly upset me when he said he stopped 2 months ago and there was nothing to talk about. Obviously there is plenty to talk about.
Anyway,.. so he had mentioned to me that he tried coke in the past 1 or 2 times but that it was a while ago. I was upset then but he said he would never do it again and that was that. Figured it was an experimental thing.
Now as we are on our way to the emergency room, he tells me he used it on and off about every other week for a year. All of a sudden things start to make sense. He missed my birthday party, he didn't even show up or call. He Had been sleeping late, not getting up, not participating in family events. Neglecting me BIG time ... i struggled with breaking up with him almost every other week for that whole year. There was also a period of time where he didn't even want to have sex. he could go 1 month like nothing was wrong, and we were always arguing about it. I questioned his sexuality, his fidelity, his love for me and the most scary he told me that he felt suicidal several times a day for about 1 week. It was a very hard year. Nothing made sense to me.
About that same 2 months ago where had just over used and had a bad reaction (although I did not know) , he told me he was not drinking or smoking marijuana anymore. I thought it was because he had a bad reaction to smoking Marijuana- but now I know it was just a symptom of the cocaine use. He had that same can't breath, chest hurts type of deal.
In the past too he would say I'm not drinking anymore and have periods where he wouldn't. he use to say he had a problem w alcohol but i never understood and thought he was being dramatic because he did not drink to the point of being an alcoholic. Now i understand, he was just trying to stop the behavior that leads to using.
The good news is that after almost 4 hours in the ER,his blood pressure went down and he was breathing better. I read a lot of forums and watched videos on the effects, and It seems to suggest once a user/addict always a user/addict. Or I guess you will always have the desire. But he stopped by
himself and was telling the truth that he had been clean .
(Seems so weird to say, never knew i was dating someone that could become and was addicted to cocaine, or used it recreationally- or so he says, he lied to me for 1 yr, who knows what else he's been lying about?)
And that hurts too, now i question, did he cheat on me when he was high? did he do bad things?.. I do know That I have noticed a significant difference in behavior. he is more loving, more productive, gets up early, does he work, is available for me... I have been the happiest I've been in a while. except this little hiccup that umm he a cocaine user. His will seems strong.... I have had drinks around him and smoked marijuana occasionally and he was fine with it, never discouraged me and never wanted it. This gives me hope that he can beat it. also , obviously now that I know this about him, I will stop that behavior myself when with him as to not tempt him in any way.
I feel mostly saddened that he was hiding this from me, struggling w a semi addiction, or full one, and he was alone. I also feel hurt that I don't know a side of him. It doesn't shatter my trust completely but it definitely weakens it.
is he an addict now? We are pretty serious and although we are in no rush to marry, it's definitely something that could happen in the future. Now I am worried that one day he will lapse and become a full addict. Then I will find myself like some of the girls here who have to walk away from their loved ones because they just can't kick he habit.
I want more information but i am not too sure on how to ask it. but what i have asked he seemed opened to discussing later on, like do you have urges and how strong are they?
I guess if he can stop alone for 2 months he may be able to keep it up.
but How do I act around him. i know he is the same person.. but do i just pretend everything is ok if it seems ok? Do we talk about it 1x/ week?
should i ask him to take a drug test 1x a month? Not really sure how to proceed. we love each other though, and he said he was glad he finally told me. and that he was sorry for hurting me. he said he would continue to be better for him and me. That eased my mind a little.
So he then proceeded to tell me that he had used cocaine about 2 months ago and he felt so bad he had to go to the emergency room. He said he thought he was going to die. Naturally I was in shock, but I knew he was confiding in me, and I was glad he did so I tried to keep a handle on getting too upset or causing too much of an argument. It mostly upset me when he said he stopped 2 months ago and there was nothing to talk about. Obviously there is plenty to talk about.
Anyway,.. so he had mentioned to me that he tried coke in the past 1 or 2 times but that it was a while ago. I was upset then but he said he would never do it again and that was that. Figured it was an experimental thing.
Now as we are on our way to the emergency room, he tells me he used it on and off about every other week for a year. All of a sudden things start to make sense. He missed my birthday party, he didn't even show up or call. He Had been sleeping late, not getting up, not participating in family events. Neglecting me BIG time ... i struggled with breaking up with him almost every other week for that whole year. There was also a period of time where he didn't even want to have sex. he could go 1 month like nothing was wrong, and we were always arguing about it. I questioned his sexuality, his fidelity, his love for me and the most scary he told me that he felt suicidal several times a day for about 1 week. It was a very hard year. Nothing made sense to me.
About that same 2 months ago where had just over used and had a bad reaction (although I did not know) , he told me he was not drinking or smoking marijuana anymore. I thought it was because he had a bad reaction to smoking Marijuana- but now I know it was just a symptom of the cocaine use. He had that same can't breath, chest hurts type of deal.
In the past too he would say I'm not drinking anymore and have periods where he wouldn't. he use to say he had a problem w alcohol but i never understood and thought he was being dramatic because he did not drink to the point of being an alcoholic. Now i understand, he was just trying to stop the behavior that leads to using.
The good news is that after almost 4 hours in the ER,his blood pressure went down and he was breathing better. I read a lot of forums and watched videos on the effects, and It seems to suggest once a user/addict always a user/addict. Or I guess you will always have the desire. But he stopped by
himself and was telling the truth that he had been clean .
(Seems so weird to say, never knew i was dating someone that could become and was addicted to cocaine, or used it recreationally- or so he says, he lied to me for 1 yr, who knows what else he's been lying about?)
And that hurts too, now i question, did he cheat on me when he was high? did he do bad things?.. I do know That I have noticed a significant difference in behavior. he is more loving, more productive, gets up early, does he work, is available for me... I have been the happiest I've been in a while. except this little hiccup that umm he a cocaine user. His will seems strong.... I have had drinks around him and smoked marijuana occasionally and he was fine with it, never discouraged me and never wanted it. This gives me hope that he can beat it. also , obviously now that I know this about him, I will stop that behavior myself when with him as to not tempt him in any way.
I feel mostly saddened that he was hiding this from me, struggling w a semi addiction, or full one, and he was alone. I also feel hurt that I don't know a side of him. It doesn't shatter my trust completely but it definitely weakens it.
is he an addict now? We are pretty serious and although we are in no rush to marry, it's definitely something that could happen in the future. Now I am worried that one day he will lapse and become a full addict. Then I will find myself like some of the girls here who have to walk away from their loved ones because they just can't kick he habit.
I want more information but i am not too sure on how to ask it. but what i have asked he seemed opened to discussing later on, like do you have urges and how strong are they?
I guess if he can stop alone for 2 months he may be able to keep it up.
but How do I act around him. i know he is the same person.. but do i just pretend everything is ok if it seems ok? Do we talk about it 1x/ week?
should i ask him to take a drug test 1x a month? Not really sure how to proceed. we love each other though, and he said he was glad he finally told me. and that he was sorry for hurting me. he said he would continue to be better for him and me. That eased my mind a little.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by Cchatter30 
I have had drinks around him and smoked marijuana occasionally...
is he an addict now?
is he an addict now?
Just because cocaine carries more penalties than alcohol or marijuana does not necessarily mean he is an addict. So he used coke every other week for a year. How is this different or worse than getting drunk every other weekend? Does that make someone an alcoholic?
What you should really focus on are the consequences of his behavior and taking care of yourself. If negative things are happening because of his use, than it is a problem. I would look into attending a Nar-Anon meeting for support with this from others who have been in the same position.
Welcome to SR! Best of luck!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry your bf is not being honest with you and that your relationship is on the rocks due to his using. You can't do anything for him, he has to want to get better for himself. I'd suggest NarAnon for support for yourself cause if he continues using, you're going to need support. We also have a friends and family forum here you might find helpful also.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
When I was using, I didn't think twice about lying to my husband. It's what I had to do to survive. Wait? Survive using alcohol? Yes. Because I am incapable of dealing with my life sober without help. Alcohol helped me as much as it harmed me. If I go back to using, I will go back to lying because it's hand in hand with addiction. The only honest addict/alcoholic i've met has been in recovery. It's good that he came clean to you. Many of us have that gut wrenching experience of brutal honesty about our addiction with a loved one while in a panic and despair.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Oops...accidentally sent send. Anyways...
How should you react? Well, no one can tell you how to act. All I can do is share my experience with you. When my husband first understood that I am an alcoholic, his reaction was to protect me from myself. He tried to control me and contain me and all it did was encourage me to be sneakier and resent his behavior. Eventually, after a lot of trial and error, he has come to understand that my recovery isn't his responsibility. It all lies squatly on my shoulders. He's seen me through excellent recovery and he's seen me through relapses. He supports my recovery and doesn't judge me when I screw up. He won't support my using but he does support my recovery. He's been honest about his feelings but, most importantly, he isn't judgmental. His attitude makes honesty easier and when I relapsed, it enabled me to come to him earlier with what was up. He will never have total trust in me again and I am becoming okay with that. He remembers that, as hard as it is, I am responsible for my recovery. If I miss a lot of meetings or am acting strange, he'll ask me what's up? He gives me a chance to be honest. If i'm working my program, I can tell him how I feel. If i'm not, I know i'll start lying. He can't control that.
I hope this helps in. Some way. I would encourage your SO to seek help through a 12 step recovery program or one of the alternative programs and, of course, to check us out here at SR.
How should you react? Well, no one can tell you how to act. All I can do is share my experience with you. When my husband first understood that I am an alcoholic, his reaction was to protect me from myself. He tried to control me and contain me and all it did was encourage me to be sneakier and resent his behavior. Eventually, after a lot of trial and error, he has come to understand that my recovery isn't his responsibility. It all lies squatly on my shoulders. He's seen me through excellent recovery and he's seen me through relapses. He supports my recovery and doesn't judge me when I screw up. He won't support my using but he does support my recovery. He's been honest about his feelings but, most importantly, he isn't judgmental. His attitude makes honesty easier and when I relapsed, it enabled me to come to him earlier with what was up. He will never have total trust in me again and I am becoming okay with that. He remembers that, as hard as it is, I am responsible for my recovery. If I miss a lot of meetings or am acting strange, he'll ask me what's up? He gives me a chance to be honest. If i'm working my program, I can tell him how I feel. If i'm not, I know i'll start lying. He can't control that.
I hope this helps in. Some way. I would encourage your SO to seek help through a 12 step recovery program or one of the alternative programs and, of course, to check us out here at SR.
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