scaredgf

I am 22, and my boyfriend is 28. He is an alcoholic. He used to also smoke marijuana regularly until he got his recent job. So Iveryveey proud of him for quitting smoking. Now,it's just the alcohol. Ever since he quit, he's been drinking more. He has always drank a lot in the beginning. When I met him, it seemed like he would only have a few beers after work to relax. Just how sonetines, I would have a glass of wine after a long day at work. And then on the weekends, he would want to go out or have a fire at his house for an excuse to drink more. I've only just starxarted to see him at his worst when he's drinking. One night, I had to carry him out of his car and into his house (I'm the driver, because I can never rely on him to not get drunk when we go out). Recently, we got unto a fight while he was,drunk because he wanted to go out and drink more. When I told him I didn't feel like going and it probably wasn't the best idea for him to go because he was slurring his words, he got upset and told me he was going upstairs to wait for me. After I calmed down, I went to try and convince him to stay. That's when I noticed his car was gone. HE DROVE!!! He got behind the wheel drunk and put so many people in danger. His lives at home. So, his mom saw I was still home, and upset and convinced me to stay. He came home at 5 in the morning. He picked up a friend and they drove him around that night.
I don't know what to do. I told him I can never go through that again, but I also know that I can't just leave him. I know he needs help. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice for me? Anything will help.

Thank you!!

least

to SR!


Why can't you leave him? You realize his alcoholism is only going to get worse, it never gets better. Do you want to spend your life with him knowing his addiction? You can't do anything for him, he has to do it on his own, if he wants it.

I had a bf once who drank too much and became violent and mean when drunk. I still loved him but threw him out so I could have a decent peaceful life. I don't regret doing that as he didn't want to stop drinking and I couldn't tolerate it.

scaredgf

Because I have that sick personality trait that just HAS to help people. He knows he has a problem. And if I leave, I know for sure that he'll just continue. But, at least I can try to help him. And if he doesn't want it then I'll leave. He hasn't said that he doesn't want help. I'm seeing him today to maybe bring up a game plan.

I guess it's just better to me to have tried and failed or maybe succeed than to not have tried at all.

Luckily, he doesn't get violent or mean, he just gets extremely stupid.

Diva76

Unfortunately, whether you leave or stay, he's going to continue drinking until he decides he's ready to give it up.....

And based on what you shared, I don't get the impression that he's planning to stop anytime soon....

I understand you care for him, but....

I would strongly consider how his condition is affecting you presently and how it will affect you in the long run....

Since he's been addicted throughout your relationship, you really don't know who he truly is....and he really doesn't know himself either....
(Yes, I needed to hear that, too....)

What hurts is the idea that addicts are not terrible people and I feel that's why many of us feel torn when it comes to whether or not we should stay or go.....

I once heard someone say, that addicts are good people who do terrible things when they are under the influence.....

Don't you deserve someone who is truly present?
When it comes to active addiction, being present and emotionally available go beyond the addicts capabilities because they are too pre-occupied with their drug of choice.

Of course, their availability (regardless of how inconsistent it is) does surface from time to time and at least, for me, that's what made me want to hold on.....

I hope things turn around for you, but in the meantime, please make every effort to make decisions for yourself that are in your best interest...

Best wishes,


Linda

fantail

Hey there, I've been in your shoes before... actually with a few different guys. I completely understand how you feel. And I've been down both roads... there was one guy who really needed help and I was able to support him, find him a therapist, etc. It was emotionally really, really hard on me, but I'm still proud of myself that I did that.

But I've also tried to help people that weren't trying to help themselves, and it sounds like that's where you're at right now.

I just want to warn you that staying with this guy isn't consequence-free for you. The more you let him treat you rudely (and lying to your face and then stranding you at his parent's place is beyond rude) the more you get accustomed to that kind of behavior.

I'm in my late twenties now and I have had to do a lot of work to untrain myself from that unhealthy behavior. I started noticing a few years ago that boyfriends would treat me badly and I wouldn't even notice. It was just normal to me. Things that my friends would break up with guys over, I would just think he was having a bad day.

Everyone's different, but just realize that the more you treat this as normal, the harder it's going to be in the future to figure out what's healthy and normal in a relationship.

It sounds like he's got support, since he's living with his parents, so I think you can safely worry about yourself here.

Big hugs to you, I know how hard it is.

dbaguy

You have to understand that you can't fix this for him. He needs to want to get better and he has to be the one to do something about it. That is really the problem that you face. I'm a "fixer" and a "rescuer" as well and I will be honest, my behavior has done nothing to curb my wife's drinking. You say that he hasn't said he doesn't want help but what about the converse of that? Has he asked for help? The unfortunate part is that you can make all the plans and preparations for someone but if they don't take the first step then it will never happen. Trust me.

For my wife to get sober it took HER realizing what she was doing and to have the strength to want a change as well as make a change. I am here to support her change but in order to do that I had to stop enabling her drinking and I had to stop trying to rescue her. You are young, you need to think about what is healthiest for you in this situation. I am not going to tell you what to do but take some time to sit back and examine what is really going on. Think about what your life will be like if this behavior doesn't stop because he is unwilling or doesn't want to change it. That is out of your control. What IS in your control is what you choose to do for yourself.

Bostonsportsfan

Get him the help he needs, make him understand he can't keep drinking like this.

bexxed

Sister, I think you might benefit from AlAnon. There's a friends and family section here too, that you may find helpful.

Nighthawk8820

Well, things will only get worse before they get better. He is an addict, and nothing will stop him from using, even you. The best thing you can do is peace out, and as soon as possible. Do you like this dysfunction? Why do you feel the need to put up with this and stick around? These are some questions you should start by asking yourself. I think you may be addicted to the addict, which is a whole different form of addiction, but nonetheless........very real. The choice is yours. You can stick around and try to help if you want, but I can tell you now, it wont do anything unless he wants help or wants to change. May be a good life lesson though for you to learn this early in your life.

thekl0wn

I've been that boyfriend many, many times. And basically what it boils down to is whether or not he wants to quit. In the past, when drinking started to become an issue, I simply turned cold and completely emotionally detached... That annoying thing that was getting in the way of my "having fun" simply disappeared, and I had an excuse to drink more. It's sad, it's sick, but it's true. Drinking was more important to me than the pursuit of an honest relationship.