Ettie

Hi-

I’m on day 11 here and had an evaluation at work today. It was overall very good, except for one point where I need improvement. Of course, instead of feeling good with the overall positive review, I am focusing on the negative, taking it personally and feeling defensive and it’s totally triggering a craving! I know this is a good test for me and something I need to work through, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. I feel like I have a major personality defect. Like I need total and constant approval from other people and if I don’t get that, it triggers all of these negative emotions in me that I can’t handle. Ugh – just needed to vent and maybe get some feedback.

lessgravity

I've found that need for approval from others runs deep in us addicts.

But a trigger is just a fancy name for an excuse, at least that's what I've come to realize.

Your sobriety is more valuable than anything crummy that happens at work. Whether it's a small negative mark on an otherwise good review or even losing a job.

Choose not to drink.

Nonsensical

Personnel evaluations that don't include areas for improvement are a waste of time. Nobody is perfect.

Unless your evaluation said "Needs to get drunk more" you should take a pass on the liquor. It won't help.

Actually, even if it said "Needs to get drunk more" you should still take a pass on the liquor.

But you knew that - that's why you're here posting instead of off drinking some place.



(Don't get mad because that judge on the right only gave you a 9.9)

least

Try to focus on the positive aspects of your review. Never mind the negative.

Anna

I agree, it's a given that there will always be some area for improvement when you get a work evaluation done. This is a good exercise for you to make yourself look at the positive comments and allow them to sink in.

I was a huge people-pleaser too and it took some work to lose those tendencies, but it's been incredibly empowering. Finally, I am able to accept that not everyone likes me or likes everything about me. That's okay with me.

GracieLou

I had a review in August of last year. All the points they rate you on were very high and added up I rated as Excellent.

I did not walk away thinking I was excellent. In fact I thought.."My boss is an idiot. Does he now know that no employee should ever be rated that high as it leaves no room for improvement" LOL

Think of the positive.

I used to care about reviews or evaluations. I don't anymore.

Almost 4 years ago I lost a job I had for over 17 years. I was upset and pissed to say the least.

The job I have now, while in the same industry, is not the same. It is a job now. I go to work. I do my best. I get paid. I go home. That is why they pay me and that is why I am there. Simple as that.

I concentrate more on my personal life were the real rewards are. My sobriety, me growing and changing as a person, family and friends. This is what I will be remembered for. Not my job evaluations.

Live2Run25

Wow Ettie.. your post is me to a point! I am so worried constantly about what others think of me, that one little comment will ruin my entire day. I try so hard to make others happy, and I get really hurt when I don't do that.

I can't tell you "just focus on the positives" because I can't do it either. Just know that picking up a drink isn't going to fix anything. Try to actively be a better person, instead of drinking becasue you feel bad for yourself. It's better for you, and everyone around you.

Ettie

Thanks everyone! This site has been invaluable to my sanity while going through this process I really appreciate the feedback.

hypochondriac

Your post is me all over too Ettie. I was especially defensive early on in recovery and had work issues which have probably caused irreparable rifts between me and the boss. Sometimes it's better to accept criticism and move on rather than try to prove how you're right... but that's my deal. I think this has got so much easier with continued sobriety though. I think I used any criticism as an excuse to drink before. Now I don't drink I don't let things get to me so much. I still get those pangs occasionally but I can be rational about them now.

Well done on having a practically perfect review

Ettie

Thanks! I think this is a gift really - to have to confront this sober. I have definitely taken these things way too personally in the past and let them fester and became resentful. It's embarrassing how much I have overreacted to these things in the past - and I think that had a lot to do with the misery and defensiveness that was constantly present due to my heavy drinking. It doesn't feel great now, but I know how much more terrible I would have felt if I had that review while hungover, and the self-destructive cycle would just continue and perpetuate those feelings.

hypochondriac

God yes. I was so defensive when I was drinking because I didn't want to admit that my drinking was responsible for my somewhat lower than usual performance at work. I would have done anything to defend that lifestyle at the time but there was a part of me that just wanted to break down and cry and say I can't cope anymore. It is such a relief to know that we are now capable of dealing with any problems that come up

Bensmammy

Thanks for your post Ettie - god I thought it was just me - i like your point lessgravity "the need for approval runs deep in us addicts" that is sure something I want to lose on my journey

1stepup

Absolutely, my quest for approval has been my life, and if I felt someone didn't like me id drink on it and poison myself- madness!

WhiteFeathers

OMG, when I was younger and an active alcoholic, I would usually end up quitting all my jobs because I thought I sucked and I thought there was no way anyone could actually like me or like my work. And if I got even the smallest amount of negative criticism it would make me feel like all my self-loathing was TOTALLY validated and I should just quit now before I totally mess up and then have to leave in utter shame.

Go figure I never really succeeded in work! Ha ha!

Don't let it get to you. Quitting drinking and dealing with your inner demons instead of avoiding them will serve you so well.

Nighthawk8820

You know, it takes time but I am at the point now where I am really not caring what anyone thinks. Its pretty cool, since I have spent most of my life trying to fit in or play a role for whatever or whoever. Im on 2 years sober, and this has been the biggest breakthrough this last 2 weeks or so. I like myself enough now, with all I have done, and all the personal tests I have passed, that Im not here to impress or please anyone anymore. I of course enjoy working hard and getting good reviews, but they dont make or break me anymore. Stick with it, and maybe one day you will get to that point too. Congrats on the sobriety.