acm76

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behaviour?

Yes. But if I am so negatively impacted by their behaviour do I have a right to simply walk away? There is so much dysfunction around me that I so often just cut people out of my life:

1. ex BF (cocaine)
2. ex BF (alcohol, marijuana, cocaine)
3. sister (bully...and the source of so many of my emotional problems)

Three people whose dysfunction drove me insane.

Sure...I can't control their behaviour, drinking, drug uyse, but is it necessary to put as much distance between them as I possibly can/

This is what I know:

I can't control another person's behaviour.

But I ALSO know that I don't want to be around people who:

do drugs
go on alcohol binges
treat me badly
belittle and invalitdate me
bully me

If I can't control (detach??) my response to these behaviours, can I just identify them as things I don't want in my life and just walk away??

Nelle

Hi acm76.

I'm new here and I really don't know how this all works, but I feel I have the same question that you do.

I'm not sure I understand the point of the twelve steps at all. Apparently a lot of folks with alcoholics in their lives are Fixers or Helpers, or as they call it, Enablers. Whatever.

Most of the dysfunctional people in my life detached from me ages ago. I have MS and Asperger's Sydrone and they would accuse me of making excuses for not doing what they wanted when they wanted, etc. I actually HAVE excuses and they don't (except that it makes them sad to see me ill so they prefer to pretend it isn't real).

Oh, yeah, I have a sister/bully. too. There is no chance of having a normal conversation with her about anything that is not about her. Don't see her much at all. Nor my mother. Both binge eaters which, seems to me, to be a lot like alcoholism.

Anyway, I -- being completely inexperienced in the twelve steps -- would say that YES you should just walk away. It's just hard to ignore family but it is possible to be with them and speak of nothing but the weather.

I just try to do the right thing. I have no need for anybody to love me or like me or need me for anything, except for my cat. : )

Maybe that's because I'm an Aspie.

Oh my -- I have gone on and on. Another Aspie trait -- having no clue when to stop......(sigh)

Hammer

Yes. Yes you can.

I put my list together like that on my "crappy list." Then I put together my "happy list."

No point in walking away from crappy, if you do not know where to go towards happy.

btw, really great job on figuring out and listing what you want removed from your life.

do not worry about the walk, either. Might start as just a Crawl. But then comes Walk, Run, and even Fly.

You have God and the Angels to carry you. Call on them. Now.

Welcome to the Miracles of the Steps.

Not2Old2Learn

I am new to the steps as well. I have a sister that has done nothing but cause me pain in our adult lives. I think I attempted to reconnect with her after time apart when she was last hurtful because I wanted the Hallmark version of a relationship with my sibling. After a few decades of beating my head against a wall and getting burned every time, I allowed myself to detach from her and no longer long for something that just isn't possible. I allowed myself to mourn after the last episode and then I worked to move on without guilt.

I receive pressure from time to time from family members who try and convince me to have a relationship with her because she is my sister and my blood. I have simply told them that it is a personal decision and one that I took years to make. I ask them to please trust me that I know best and they are spared the drama between us as a result. They usually give up at that point.

So yes, you can walk away or put a great deal of distance between you and people that hurt you or are not respectful of you, even if they are family. No one will care for you better then you can care for yourself. You know your feelings, reactions and needs better than anyone else. Protect yourself and don't allow others to ruin your happiness.

wiscsober

We can not control the alcoholic's behavior....
we do not have to accept the behavior.

If the alcoholic refuses to seek treatment....we must act for the benefit of ourselves.

If the alcoholic's behavior is abusive to you...you must walk away and/or set strict boundaries

we did not cause the alcoholism
we can not control it
we can not cure it

You have every right to walk away.

Hanna

Absolutely we can walk away.

Nelle, the steps are for us only. For me they are a chance to learn about myself, develop my relationship with my higher power, and improve myself and my life. I happened to have loved ones that are addicts but I think these 12 steps are something that could be helpful to everyone on the planet.

You probably have different needs because of the aspergers but I personally very much needed these steps in order to cope with and heal from my family situation.

Nelle

Hanna, thank you for that response. It is hard for me to understand some things and I get it that most people would be more involved with their family. But honestly, it simply didn't occur to me before I read your post. Of course, now it makes perfect sense. It would be normal to be involved with family members.

I used to try very hard to fit in with my family but found their abuse inexcusable. They live in a constant state of denial and are generally dishonest about what they are thinking and feeling.

It has been said that Aspies are not empathetic, but I have found that is not the case. We just don't get what people 'mean' sometimes. We take things literally. And because we are almost always misunderstood and mocked, we rarely get involved with anyone. They never helped me to understand the simplest things and they mocked my behavior and interests until I was in tears. So I try to do the right thing by them but that does not include getting involved in their lives. I would not turn my back on them if they were seriously ill or injured, though.

Anywayl, thanks for the reply. It does make sense that most people would be involved with family members -- sharing holidays, etc. It just wasn't on my radar.

Hanna

Even for people not closely involved with family the 12 steps can help us recover from the damage done in the past. And the damage doesn't have to be from family alone, it can be what we've done to ourselves. We can also identify ways in which our thinking can be improved.

I imagine life would be very confusing as a child dealing with aspergers and a dysfunctional family would only exacerbate the issue. It seems you have found a healthy course of action by keeping them at a distance.

Bubovski

Where friends , associates, relatives et al become a definite long term hindrance to our health and sanity to walk away seems the only option.
I taught an Aspergers girl once. Very bright in some areas, not so in others. When I indicated a need to change the time table she got very upset.

Dysfunctionality whether drug induced or otherwise can reach the point where a strong degree of separation may work best for all concerned.
To help (suffer) others is surely contingent upon maintaining our own best perspective on everything.

Bubovski

It is amazing, I went for decades.on and off with a sister doing the weird enabling bit.
Not only virtually useless, but personal interference may prevent the person gaining help elsewhere.
I still receive long rambling and disturbing letters at times despite legal intervention orders.

Blood may be thicker than water but you can also choke yourself on it.

kenwoodway

ask that question at a meeting? like ala-non.