Pilar

So much has happened in the last few weeks. I initially posted here when my ABF didn't come home. I really took to heart the responses. I moved forward and attended Al-Anon, purchased CoDependent No More (half way through), signed a year lease on my own place...I've also let him call me names in a drunken rage, tried to intervene in a fist fight at a bar, spent 2 more nights home alone because he didn't come home, listened to him berate me and say harsh things about my children in a drunken fit, picked him up from jail (public intox), and questioned everything I've ever known about this man.
This is new territory...jail!?!? We are well-known professionals. This is madness! I know I need to leave, the sooner the better. My new place won't be ready for a few more days.
It's awkward living together, but I have no other choice. I always feel like I'm playing a game of chess with him. I am trying to determine my next move once I move out. Will he call me? Will he show up? Will he send me flowers? Will he stop drinking? Will he hook up with a bar fly? Will he be sad about being alone? Will he blame everything on me? Will he be angry if I see him out? Why do I do this?!?! I obsess with the possibilities and what-ifs. I justify the thoughts by thinking that I am preparing myself for whatever happens next, but I also feel like I'm trying to predict the future. That way I can react to whatever happens.
I'm in such a strange place right now. I hate him so much. Well meaning friends are now coming forward to express relief and confide rumors and gossip that they have heard. I want to turn off the static and find the man that I know and love. I want him to put his arms around me and shut out the world.

That last part wasnt planned. It just came out and I didn't even realize I was holding it in.

honeypig

Pilar, you need to just think about YOU and take care of YOU. Who cares what he does or who he hooks up with? Not your problem. You feel like crap now but ultimately you will be so much better. I was in that same place w/wanting to be prepared for anything, guessing and second guessing, but it is totally fruitless!

You cannot predict the future or prepare to react to it. Like they say, one day at a time--and sometimes much less than that at a time!

Keep coming here, keep going to Alanon--wishing you strength, peace and clarity!

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Pilar,

First of all, good for you for taking everyone's advice so seriously and beginning your own recovery. I wish I was that quick to learn. Keep reading, posting, and going to Al-Anon (if you are. If not, check it out) Recovery does work but unfortunately it takes time.

I used to want my exabf to put his arms around me and shut out the world too. That feeling is simply you craving a fix. It is thinking magically about who your bf really is and what the nature of your relationship was. Even the good times you shared were not sober good times because your entire relationship was based on addiction, yours and his. When you sit around dreaming of him making your pain go away, you are like the alcoholic who wants alcohol to make his pain go away. It is a temporary fix and sets you up for yet more pain.

Please keep reading here. You will start to understand your bf's behavior better and it will help you to accept the reality of the situation you are in. You can't control one thing he does and any effort to do so will drive you crazy.

I am so glad you are getting your own place. Your children should not be around this man. Hang tight until it is ready. Take one day at a time, even one hour at a time. Focus on you and your kids. Read on SR as much as you can, and post whenever you need support. We are here for you!

atalose

Glad you have gotten your own apartment in your own name....that's a good step.


You may be a well know professional but soon he will be well know for his drinking and the professional part will fall away.

Stop the game playing, it’s not a game of chess it’s real life…YOUR LIFE. And when there is a mix of an alcoholic and a codie …….no one every wins!!!! Not without lots of professional help and a long run at a recovery program.

The What If’s…….

What if you find peace once you move out?

What if you blame him for everything?

What if you happen to meet someone else?

What if you are sad being alone?

This really is all about you NOT HIM.

Those other what if’s…..he is sad you left, he sends you flowers, he stops drinking, he calls or texts you………….all of those what if’s are what you truly wish will happen. Those thoughts play into that “fantasy” world…..he professes his dying love to you, he will do anything to get sober to keep you, he loves you, he wants you, blah blah blah it’s not realistic and it never happens that way. Cause the truth is, if he wanted to get sober he’d be sober by now.

Tuffgirl

Hugs to you today.

Shut off the static yourself. That means not talking with others right now and distracting your own obsession loop with other activities. Yes, you are obsessing. Have faith that whatever happens, you can handle it.

The man you know and love is the same man you are dealing with today. Sadly, alcoholism turns people into something we no longer recognize. I remember saying the same things...only now I realize it was ME pretending he was such and such kind of man. I wanted that fantasy, so I overlooked the bad and focused on the good until I couldn't any longer.

Be gentle with yourself right now.
Peace,
~T

PippiLngstockng

Pilar, I do exactly the same thing some days. It's partly a way to try to maintain my balance while the world is teetering and nothing seems to be the way I thought it was.

Some days I move forward. Others, I tread water. Today, I accepted that I am overwhelmed and just tried to make a nice dinner for the children and pet the cat.

You are going through a lot of intense change, and quickly.

You have all my sympathy and best wishes. Bravo for coming this far!

Florence

I have issues with anxiety and to get around that never-ending loop of negative feedback, I exercise daily (preferably outdoors where I also get to experience the world and look other people in the face -- yay for bikes!) and I take a light anti-anxiety medication that files the edges off. Both are a huge help. If I forget to do either, I feel it.

This is a process. One of the first things I was told here was the three C's. It's the first litmus test I use to figure out if I'm being all crazy codependent. The second litmus test is that you should never do for alcoholic what he should be able to do for himself. Don't rescue, don't manipulate, don't cajole. Let him be and live as he wants, drinking and jail and barflies and all if he chooses, and let him suffer the natural actions of his consequences without your interference. Once I started to do this, everything got real clear real quick.

It sounds like you only have to wait a few more days. That's good. Anyone can do anything for a day, even if that means playing chess or zipping up your comments or turning a blind eye to his craziness.

I understand this all too well. It's a natural desire to want to turn to your partner during a time of trouble for support. But this isn't that partner. You will not get the love, support, and validation you deserve from an active alcoholic. It's just not how it works.

Sending support today.

Pilar

This is really hard. I keep getting back on to read the responses because they are really insightful and profound. He is my fix- that an incredible way of looking at it. I crave his touch, attention, acknowledgment, anything! Though I despise him right now and would probably recoil if he did try to hug me. So damn conflicted!!!!! It galls me that he came home from work, ate dinner, and is now snoring peacefully. I can't sleep, I keep having tummy trouble, and my mind is racing! I know what I need to do. I'm taking those steps, but it is really tough at times like this.

I definitely built him up and created this fantasy. I didn't realize that. The awareness is painful. Now that it's been exposed- I feel raw. It was never real. He was sober for months, but it was a brittle existence for us. I keep replaying the ugly, hurtful stuff in the hope that it gives me strength to stop wanting him.

IsThisMe

I am so new to this and don't feel I have any right to offer advice to anyone butI just wanted to hug you after reading this post. You have said EVERYTHING I am feeling right now. It's not easy, it's bloody hard and sometime life just sucks... but it goes on and you are doing the right thing getting out, just as I am doing the right thing throwing him out.

It will get better and one day, it will be awesome and you won't have noticed it happening.

Wishing you strength and resolve right now.

fourmaggie

stop the enabling...
why pick him up from jail...leave him in there and let him find his own way home...he is a grown adult and let him deal with the consequenses for HIS ACTION...

you are taking to much on about HIS STUFF...they are his...

time for you and welcome...
Melody Beattie has a wonderful book "co dependent no more" read it...its use to be me...

Recovering2

You're doing fine, hang in there. Progress...not perfection. I agree, if he ends up in jail again it's his problem to find a way home. Consequences. I don't know when you move out, but strongly consider going No Contact. His behavior is likely to ramp up when he realized you're seriously leaving. He will either become nastier, or he will turn on the mega charm and make a million promises. Either way....it's manipulation.

One day at a time....one foot in front of the other. You will look back and be glad you decided to take yourself back.

wicked

This is what to watch out for, while I wished for his arms around me, I got manipulated into a few more months, weeks, days of hell on earth.

The responses you are getting are wonderfully profound and oh so helpful.
For me too, remembering not to do what they can do for themselves.
That is a tough one for me.

I need to get a hula hoop. Put it down and meditate inside.
Everything outside that hoop belongs to someone else.
Oh, they can come and drop something in the hoop,
but....
I do not HAVE to pick it up. EVER.

Hang in there Pilar, a few more days to your own place.
That island of serenity will mean a lot in the coming days.

If they are part of your recovery, I hope you keep them close.
If they are there to talk about drama, please show them the door.
Right now, people who know where you are, are those in recovery.
Find support and call them all the time.


I love that name Pilar.

You are doing so great! Keep up the good work, you will make it through.
Remember those feelings are just that, and will change like the wind.
You will be fine.

Beth

Pilar

Thank you so much for the strength! I read your words of encouragement and feel stronger. Truly, I am learning so much being here and feel empowered.

I had a really interesting day with some personal discovery. I've been reading Codependent No More and reading posts on this board. While Pinning on Pinterest and listening to my iPod- I read pins that were so unhealthy that I would have identified with and pinned a few days ago. I also listened to songs that are wholly codependent, but I can connect with. I never realized how much the message is reinforced. I don't want to lose myself in someone else or think that the best part of me was always you!

Pilar

Thanks! It's a name I've always loved, so I've adopted it online!