noexcuse

I haven't posted in a long time. Because I've been drunk. This weekend was no different. I have at least 7 bruises, no idea how I got any of them, and one of them is HUGE. I had three voicemails from Saturday afternoon, two from my neighbor and one from my husband asking me where I was and to please call and/or text to let them know I was OK.

I have no idea what those texts were about. Did I go somewhere? Did I drive??? I have a breathylyzer in my car, so if I left to go somewhere, that means I took my husband's car...totally wasted, and totally illegally. If I would have gotten pulled over, I would have gone to jail. That's if I even took the car - I have no idea where I was or what I was doing.

I found out this morning that I got in a huge fight with my neighbor, too. No idea why. My husband thinks it was because she said something about my drinking, and I, of course, will defend my drinking with all my might.

I made it to work today. Turned on my computer. And there, on my wallpaper, were my beautiful, smiling, happy kids. And I started to cry. I want to be in the moment with them. I want to play with them, read with them, teach them, be the best mom I can be for them. They are getting older every day, and if I don't stop RIGHT NOW, they will know me as a drunk that was never present for them. My beautiful daughter, her gentle kisses and kind heart..... My beautiful son with his glowing compliments and daredevil antics..... I am so in love with them and I have a terrible way of showing it. Making dinner, cleaning the house, teaching them to ride a bike, arranging playdates does not a good mom make. Being present, appreciating them, treating them with love and kindness, that's a good mom. My heart aches right now.

There is no more alcohol in my house. I don't know how to do things sober, but I am damn sure going to figure it out. Everyone is worried about me, and I don't want that anymore.

Thanks for reading this impossibly long post. I really needed to get this ache out of me.

Hevyn

This can be where it ends noexcuse. You're disgusted with yourself and afraid for your future - some never reach that point and keep on trying to drink. Be glad that you're having these emotions right now. They can lead you out of hell and into a beautiful new life.

It's terrifying when we find out we've been driving and talking to others in a blackout. It started to happen to me all the time at the end of my drinking career. I had spun completely out of control. I had to stop or lose my life. I quit for ever, and you can too. I'm glad you came here to talk about it - good to see you again.

Dib42

You'll feel better in time. That's why I want to return to a sober lifestyle, because even though 90% of the time I'm a "fun drunk." Who everyone loves, and can control my intake. That ten percent of the time when I do something stupid and crazy, its really STUPID AND FREAKIN' CRAZY.

Looks like you got really lucky and a great opportunity to change, don't squander it.

...
edit: honestly anymore, I probably should say, for 90% of the evening I'm a fun drunk, and then the 10% before and during which I blackout, I'm some other sort of beast.

Not someone i'd want to hang out with for sure.

ScottFromWI

Missing out on my family was the straw that finally broke the proverbial camel's back for me as well Noexcuse. Thanks for sharing your story, but as your username itself suggests - it's time for action. Have you tried any local support or counseling or perhaps even outpatient detox? Major problems require major solutions....you need to not only reach out with your words but with your actions as well.

WhiteFeathers

Yup, I'm with you noexcuse. I had to quit for my kids too.

You can do this! Let them be your motivation. You CAN be a great mom. Keep posting here.

ersatzmatriarch

noexcuse...

welcome to SR!

i'm 29 days sober today... and i can't even begin to express how amazing it is to be present and engaged with my kids. i had no idea how to get sober... i was lost, broken and terrified. but here i am!

i'm using AA and SR in my recovery plan. there are a lot of options for finding and working a path to sobriety... read around here and you'll get ideas for what will work for you.

sobriety can be acheived... you can do this. you are not alone, and you never have to feel like this again!

sending thoughts of peace, strength and courage your way as you begin your journey...

noexcuse

I'm currently seeing two counselors, one for substance abuse and the other for, well, life in general. Plus my psychiatrist. One thing that my 'life' counselor has told me to do is start journaling, digging a little deeper, etc. I've been putting it off and putting it off because I'm afraid of what I'm going to uncover (I think). Plus, it takes effort. But you're right, I've got to put in the effort or I will never heal. I've been in AA and am terrified to take that walk of shame through the doors again, almost to the point that I'd rather find different meetings where no one knows me. Is that a cop out? Whatever the case, I need to put in some real effort if I ever want to fix this. And I love my kids so, so much and I want to be sober for me and for them. And my husband, and my friends and my family. Everyone is scared for me, and I'm really scared for me.

Dib42

If AA works for you, I'd go back to your usual meeting and own it. It's not like people are in AA because they've never made huge mistakes. Perhaps your experience will inspire others to do the same "walk of shame" some day.

I'm sure many people avoid AA meetings because they've been there before and relapsed.

ScottFromWI

To me it sounds like being true to yourself is the one last thing holding you back NE. Twice you mention in your reply that you are "scared what you might find" about yourself and also don't want to face the "walk of shame" again.

Full, unconditionally accepting that alcohol is THE problem, and that not drinking will fix the problem is what I needed to do. Also fessing up to yourself and accepting the things you've done is necessary. You cannot change them of course, but you must absolutely recognize them and commit to never letting them happen again.

Sounds like you are doing lots of good things in your life to make this better...hopefully you can make the final plunge and accept things for what they are. Things are so much better when you do....best of luck.

MagRich

Awesome post NE. Let's do this together! I'm at day 4 right now. I kept falling and falling. I'm disgusted with myself, my family is disgusted with me and my poor kids deserve to have a PRESENT mom. I can go for 5 or 10 days and then think "just one more time". It's at night, I'm not hurting anybody but myself." The nights trickle into the day and into the next night.

When I mess up, I think "screw it". And one day turns into 3. I KNOW the frustration, disgust, anxiety and fear that you feel when you wake up and think WTH happened? It's a feeling that can fuel my sobriety for a short time and then dwindles. I've gotta find a way to make it stick. Good Luck!

ivehadenoughnow

Fight that voice inside your head with everything you have! There is too much on the line. Allow that embarrassment to drive you to never do it again. God Bless you in your journey.

Mizzuno

Hello. You have the power to turn this around. It takes time, and a lot of effort, but you can do this and we are here to support you. The situation that you were in sounds very scary. I am sorry that you are hurting. This never has to happen again. Do what ever it takes to get and remain sober.

lessgravity

When you walk into the room sober on a morning in the future, look at your kid in the face and don't feel ashamed - look forward to that. Do it for that.

Oh, and have a plan.

Do you have a plan?

RobbyRobot

Awesome.

It doesn't have to become or remain complicated in learning how to live sober. Simplicity in whatever we do for ourselves when quitting always works best is my experience since quitting. There are many ways to successfully quit and they are yours for the choosing - forget about what you can't do and work on what you can do and keep moving forward with whatever works best.

Just being ourselves without drinking is more than enough to work on when we decide to live a sober life. Don't sweat it out with a lot of worry about whatever - just know that not drinking is itself an awesome accomplishment when in your early days of quitting.

Hey, and from true sadness eventually will come real happiness so know that most things in time, with sober effort, can be realised in simple honest experiences which can last a lifetime.

Quitting and staying quit is always the best choice no matter what challenge is on our respective journey. You've already made the best choice!

noexcuse

I've read a lot here on SR. Like lessgravity said, have a plan. I've heard that repeated over and over again on so many threads. My plan for today is to not drink. But I know that's not what people mean when they say that. For those that have 'plans' in place, what are they? Some of my more problematic times have been, well, forcefully taken away from me as I got a DUI and cannot drink if I am going to be driving my car because it will lock down if there is a drop of alcohol on my breath. So a lot of the times that I would have drank (friends' houses, barbeques, ball games, etc.) are not an option. It's actually been a blessing in disguise. But now I just drink at home all the time. I can't not go home... I'd love to hear what other peoples' plans are, what's worked, what hasn't. I guess I'm just not real sure what a real plan entails.

ippochick

i drank and drank. i frightened my daughter, i drove drunk, i blacked out, passed out, fell off the wagon more times than i can count, and fell downstairs and broke my nose and 2 teeth. but it was never my fault.

i had to hit bottom to stop, and i had to decide where that bottom was going to be for me. if it hadn't been last weekend, it might well have been at the point where i lost my family and gave up on life.

owning my alcoholism has been terrifying. i've been sober 8 days which is my longest dry spell in thirteen years. i'm 40 years old and i've been drinking for 31 of them (yes, you read that right).

be kind to yourself. make this the turning point. one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or 5 minutes at a time.

we're all with you.

ScottFromWI

That was me exactly. I would have one or 2 beers on the way home at our local brewpub, but the real drinking happened at home.

I can't honestly give you a magic plan or steps I took specifically, but somehow in my mind I finally decided one day that I wanted to not drink more than I wanted to drink. I had been on SR for a while and quit once for about 45 days but slowly started drinking again. My "plan" is that I read here a lot, and I also did a lot of reading of the big book, etc. A lot of the stories there and here finally showed me that i didn't have control of my drinking anymore. And i am so much in control of the rest of my life that it seemed impossible that I couldn't control alcohol too. But in the end I could not. Granted I'm only counting my sobriety in months and not years like some, but staying here on SR keeps me grounded in the reality that drinking moderately just doesn't work, and that If I can't do that I can't drink at all.

I honestly believe that the "plan" itself is less important than one's dedication to said plan. Whether that means doing the 12 steps in AA, taming the AV in AVRT, or whatever else it might be - it works if you commit.

lessgravity

What worked for me, after years of wagon-on/wagon-off, was discovering the AVRT method here on SR. Look it up if you'd like. It's pretty hardcore and doesn't seem to appeal to everyone but if it fits it's perfection - the exact mentatlity that I needed, to never drink again. It's a means of separating yourself (the true part of you that, very obviously, does not want to drink anymore) from the addictive voice and the beast inside of you that demands you get black-out drunk again and again. Look up Rational Recovery for more.

I wish you peace from this suffering. I know how dark it gets.

noexcuse

As sad as I am for another 'Lost Weekend', I am so glad that I posted here today. In just a few short hours, I have felt loved and supported, and that's by strangers, no less. I suppose I don't really consider any of you to be complete strangers, as we are all battling the same demon, but I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Tonight, my little girl and little boy will spend some super quality time with their real mom, the real me, not the drunk me. Hearing about all of your successes, no matter how long or how short, has given me immense hope. And thanks, ScottinWI and lessgravity - I'm going to bust out my Big Book and the AVRT flashcards tonight for some serious reading.

lessgravity

As much as your little guys deserve it, you deserve it too. And I'm not being trite or cheesy. In this bout of sobreity (which for me is eternally different than my other times b/c I'm committed to my Big Plan now and it has freed me in ways I never knew possible), it's the times with my kid - where I'm not anxious to speed things along so that I can swig another couple rounds, where I'm not half-sleeping drunk as he asks me to repeat another sentence I've trailed off on - it's those times that I really have found peace.

Be in touch.