Cutting my son loose
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Cutting my son loose
I have come to the conclusion that I have to cut my son loose and he has to fend for himself. I read this interesting article, on a mother's experience in cutting her "angry" son loose and the transformation it wrought on him.
My son is living on his own since February but runs out of money in the first couple of week of the month. Then he sponges off us for the rest of the month eating at our house, playing video games and basically lying around surfing the internet. Refuses to help out or do any chores even if you ask him. When he wants to smoke pot he ups and leave to go to his rented room.
Hopefully living on his own will teach him lessons we have not been able to teach him but we are getting increasingly resentful of his presence.
My son is living on his own since February but runs out of money in the first couple of week of the month. Then he sponges off us for the rest of the month eating at our house, playing video games and basically lying around surfing the internet. Refuses to help out or do any chores even if you ask him. When he wants to smoke pot he ups and leave to go to his rented room.
Hopefully living on his own will teach him lessons we have not been able to teach him but we are getting increasingly resentful of his presence.
Dear pravchaw, I have been down this road before--and, believe me, it only leads to more resentment, conflict and heartache (for you).
He is not really living on his own, because he still has you to cushion ever little obstacle. he is playing you like a fiddle. And, trust me---he resents you for it. Down the road, he will punish you for every thing you are doing for him now, and he won't even feel bad for your tears. He will take the opportunity to blame his problems on you.
pravchaw, I wish to he** I had had someone to tell me this waaay sooner. It would have saved me so much pain.
I understand parental guilt, but remember that you aren't helping him. On your own means on your own! No free meals and cushy crash pad.
If it is too hard for you to draw the boundries, you need a support system for YOU. If you are not in alanon, I highly suggest it---or counseling with therapist that is famil iar with alcoholism---I mean reallly familiar (perhaps a recovering alcoholic).
You have got to get a tough skin--he is younger and stronger and can outlast you. You need the support (LOL).
Trust me--I have the tracks of my tears to prove it.
Please check out my recent thread, called "Unplanned trip to Crazy Towne".
dandylion
He is not really living on his own, because he still has you to cushion ever little obstacle. he is playing you like a fiddle. And, trust me---he resents you for it. Down the road, he will punish you for every thing you are doing for him now, and he won't even feel bad for your tears. He will take the opportunity to blame his problems on you.
pravchaw, I wish to he** I had had someone to tell me this waaay sooner. It would have saved me so much pain.
I understand parental guilt, but remember that you aren't helping him. On your own means on your own! No free meals and cushy crash pad.
If it is too hard for you to draw the boundries, you need a support system for YOU. If you are not in alanon, I highly suggest it---or counseling with therapist that is famil iar with alcoholism---I mean reallly familiar (perhaps a recovering alcoholic).
You have got to get a tough skin--he is younger and stronger and can outlast you. You need the support (LOL).
Trust me--I have the tracks of my tears to prove it.
Please check out my recent thread, called "Unplanned trip to Crazy Towne".
dandylion
Pravchaw,
How painful for you to have to do these hard things, for it is clear in your many posts here that integrity means so much to you, and I am sure you taught your son very well as he was growing up all the necessary lessons for a solid and healthy life.
I am not the parent of an addict and can offer no experience in that specific way.
But I have read that addicts feel they have nothing to lose, in their relationships, because in their addict thinking, nothing matters except being able to continue using the drug. As a result, it is very hard for a parent or a spouse to have leverage with the addict. What we would fight for--the relationship, the loyalty, the love--the addict will not. He is operating from a place which does not weigh moral choice or long-term consequences.
I hope you will take good care of yourself and your wife, I hope you will not shut out your friends and other family members, as you take this painful step to release your son to allow him the full experience of the drug lifestyle without a safety net. No one except a parent in your same shoes will ever know what kind of love and pain and terror and hope all this means for you.
Your son is still young and he does not have decades of drug abuse to overcome. He is a young user of marijuana, and I hope that as a result, his bottom will not be a deep one. It is a drug that is strongly demotivating, as you know and as you have described. It makes the addict selfish, as par for the course with addiction. But it does not, as far as I know, make him violent or dangerously impulsive. So my hope is that he will not hurt himself out there, but instead will feel such emptiness that it becomes unbearable and he will be ready for recovery.
When he is, the person he should call is his sponsor. Not you. You have an agenda for him. You have expectations and longings for him. But a sponsor, a fellow addict, has no expectations and no buried hurt and no repressed anger or any of the other unconscious things we put in the air with our addicted loved ones. A sponsor is an equal and judgment is not in his bag. Just tools for getting better, if your son wants them.
If you and your wife can get away to someplace beautiful and peaceful for a week or two, I think it would do you a world of good.
How painful for you to have to do these hard things, for it is clear in your many posts here that integrity means so much to you, and I am sure you taught your son very well as he was growing up all the necessary lessons for a solid and healthy life.
I am not the parent of an addict and can offer no experience in that specific way.
But I have read that addicts feel they have nothing to lose, in their relationships, because in their addict thinking, nothing matters except being able to continue using the drug. As a result, it is very hard for a parent or a spouse to have leverage with the addict. What we would fight for--the relationship, the loyalty, the love--the addict will not. He is operating from a place which does not weigh moral choice or long-term consequences.
I hope you will take good care of yourself and your wife, I hope you will not shut out your friends and other family members, as you take this painful step to release your son to allow him the full experience of the drug lifestyle without a safety net. No one except a parent in your same shoes will ever know what kind of love and pain and terror and hope all this means for you.
Your son is still young and he does not have decades of drug abuse to overcome. He is a young user of marijuana, and I hope that as a result, his bottom will not be a deep one. It is a drug that is strongly demotivating, as you know and as you have described. It makes the addict selfish, as par for the course with addiction. But it does not, as far as I know, make him violent or dangerously impulsive. So my hope is that he will not hurt himself out there, but instead will feel such emptiness that it becomes unbearable and he will be ready for recovery.
When he is, the person he should call is his sponsor. Not you. You have an agenda for him. You have expectations and longings for him. But a sponsor, a fellow addict, has no expectations and no buried hurt and no repressed anger or any of the other unconscious things we put in the air with our addicted loved ones. A sponsor is an equal and judgment is not in his bag. Just tools for getting better, if your son wants them.
If you and your wife can get away to someplace beautiful and peaceful for a week or two, I think it would do you a world of good.
you'll do fine without him around
sounds like he still has a lot to learn
time for some real tuff love
since he doesn't wish to help you out at all
time to tell him not to come around at all
until he is willing to help out a little around your house
with his attitude -- you'll do fine without him around
some time apart for all of you is probably a very good thing for now
time for him to grow up
and
a needed break for you
Kayla,
I read your posts on the Newcomers to Recovery site. I think you need some AA members to come and see you. Will you think about calling the AA hotline and asking for a couple people to come and talk to you tonight?
If you feel the anxiety and depression are becoming overwhelming, please go to a hospital emergency room and ask for help to get stabilized. And the AA members could even come and see you there, if you make the call.
I'm not in AA but it's my understanding that there are always other alcoholics who are willing to lend a hand to an alcoholic who reaches out, day or night. You've had a very bad day and you are very unwell. It's not a good time to be alone and there are recovering people who will be with you.
Your family has not stopped loving you. Addiction is a family illness, everyone is thrown into chaos, not just the alcoholic, but the family, too. Their behavior is the result of the disease. It is not because you are unloved or no longer wanted or are a bad person. It is the disease in the family. It causes chaos. They need recovery just the same as you do.
Please think about making that call to AA and asking if some people will do a 12th step call on your behalf. It's what they're there for. It keeps them sober.
I read your posts on the Newcomers to Recovery site. I think you need some AA members to come and see you. Will you think about calling the AA hotline and asking for a couple people to come and talk to you tonight?
If you feel the anxiety and depression are becoming overwhelming, please go to a hospital emergency room and ask for help to get stabilized. And the AA members could even come and see you there, if you make the call.
I'm not in AA but it's my understanding that there are always other alcoholics who are willing to lend a hand to an alcoholic who reaches out, day or night. You've had a very bad day and you are very unwell. It's not a good time to be alone and there are recovering people who will be with you.
Your family has not stopped loving you. Addiction is a family illness, everyone is thrown into chaos, not just the alcoholic, but the family, too. Their behavior is the result of the disease. It is not because you are unloved or no longer wanted or are a bad person. It is the disease in the family. It causes chaos. They need recovery just the same as you do.
Please think about making that call to AA and asking if some people will do a 12th step call on your behalf. It's what they're there for. It keeps them sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Kayla, thanks for reminding me about my son. He probably feels the same way. But I see no way out but let go with love. I cannot help him while he is using. Once he is in a healthy place I will help him out. At present he shows no desire to change, so the rest of the family have to change & force change on him.
I am in chapter 3 and on my way to chapter 4.
An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
I am in chapter 3 and on my way to chapter 4.
An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Hey, pravchaw,
Looks like you've come a long way. I know it's been a tough decision to make, but FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing. Your son's been acting like the guy who wants to stay married, but still go out and have a fling on the side. Whatever meets his needs at the moment.
Have you thought about what you will do when he gets evicted from his apartment? When he shows up on your doorstep crying that he doesn't have a place to sleep? Might not be a bad idea to have a plan in place for when that happens. Hopefully one that won't involve your giving him money or taking him back in. Maybe have a printed-out list of shelters ready to hand him.
We've all got your back.
Looks like you've come a long way. I know it's been a tough decision to make, but FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing. Your son's been acting like the guy who wants to stay married, but still go out and have a fling on the side. Whatever meets his needs at the moment.
Have you thought about what you will do when he gets evicted from his apartment? When he shows up on your doorstep crying that he doesn't have a place to sleep? Might not be a bad idea to have a plan in place for when that happens. Hopefully one that won't involve your giving him money or taking him back in. Maybe have a printed-out list of shelters ready to hand him.
We've all got your back.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Hi Lexie, You are one tough mama are'nt you? Thanks for reminding me of what is very likely to happen next. This month he did manage to pay rent and buy a bus pass but smoked all his grocery money within the first week. He has been living with us ever since (mostly sober) except for Friday night he disappears to smoke weed. He then goes through withdrawal over the next few days and is as touchy as a sun-burnt dude getting a Swedish massage.
I plan to deliver the message later this week (just before he gets paid) that he needs to ship out and stay out. I have offered him another stint in rehab but so far he is not biting and has refused to go. He is also not going to AA meetings and has refused to go to NA meetings. Looks like he has reverted back to the denial stage.
If he begs to come back my plan is to leverage some action out of him. Perhaps a day or two of the shelters would do him good.
I plan to deliver the message later this week (just before he gets paid) that he needs to ship out and stay out. I have offered him another stint in rehab but so far he is not biting and has refused to go. He is also not going to AA meetings and has refused to go to NA meetings. Looks like he has reverted back to the denial stage.
If he begs to come back my plan is to leverage some action out of him. Perhaps a day or two of the shelters would do him good.
Well, here's the thing. If he wants to keep smoking dope, living in the shelters is the best he is going to do. I wouldn't limit it to one or two days--I'd suggest letting him rough it as long as it takes him to decide he'd rather be self-supporting than living in a shelter with the unwashed masses. If you really want the revolving door to stop, you need to put a lock on it.
Many alcoholics and addicts have a very high discomfort threshold. What would scare the bejeezus out of people like you and me, they will tolerate for a surprisingly long time. But my bet is that because your son IS fairly young, and HAS had it pretty good up until now, it won't take a terribly long time for him to get tired of the suburban adventure life.
Either that, or he'll move to Colorado.
Many alcoholics and addicts have a very high discomfort threshold. What would scare the bejeezus out of people like you and me, they will tolerate for a surprisingly long time. But my bet is that because your son IS fairly young, and HAS had it pretty good up until now, it won't take a terribly long time for him to get tired of the suburban adventure life.
Either that, or he'll move to Colorado.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Lexie, I cannot deny your logic. The rub is the execution and follow through. Last time he was gone I worried about him, used to call him for dinner, dinners became overnights and bam things are back to square one. I fell in the hole with my eyes wide open. Well lesson learnt. Time for chapter 4.
I have to leave for a business trip now in your neck of the woods. I am sure the coming weekend would be interesting. What drama we are in. Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Tolstoy in Anna Karenina)
I have to leave for a business trip now in your neck of the woods. I am sure the coming weekend would be interesting. What drama we are in. Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Tolstoy in Anna Karenina)
Dear pravchaw, can you say exactly what you are afraid of---if not to us, to yourself.
For example--like, "maybe he won't love us anymore" or "it is wrong to turn our back on y our kid" or "I can't live with the guilt", Not saying this is true for you--just an example.
I have found that when I am stuck--it helps to break down exactly what my fears are regarding the situation.
This might help....
dandylion
For example--like, "maybe he won't love us anymore" or "it is wrong to turn our back on y our kid" or "I can't live with the guilt", Not saying this is true for you--just an example.
I have found that when I am stuck--it helps to break down exactly what my fears are regarding the situation.
This might help....
dandylion
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