trybot

Let me start by mentioning I have my own vices.
Although it wasn't until today that I realized that my Codependency has become my largest issue.

At the Time I met my Anon(A) she and I were both very experimental drug users in college. Alcohol, Marijuana, Cocaine, extacy, xanax, cough syrup, and many other similar substances. It wasn't until I was almost kicked out of college for a unsatisfactory GPA that I changed my ways. My Anon although had not stopped her ways(Without my knowledge/or my denial of her usage). Despite several friends informing me, a million clear signs of addiction, I played it off as a mood swing or bad day.

Fast Forward two year to today.

After a swing of extremely severe widthdrawl symptoms, I search her phone and found text after text message of drug transactions, and confronted her. Mainly the use of crack cocaine. She and her mom checked her into a inpatient drug program.

The second after my thoughts and assumptions were actualized about my Anon using, I became a full blown Codependent. I downloaded all text message/pictures/information off of her phone. Personally called every drug dealer or fellow drug user and lost my mind. I searched her entire room for hours on end finding every single crack pipe. I even wanted to install a phone tracker on her phone.

It wasn't until today that I realized I had codependency issues, when I was invited to a family session at the faculties in which my Anon was attending. I was expecting it to be a fun meeting were we saw our Loved ones and heard the good news.The first thing the group leader put up on the board was the statistics of drug users to recover.

Stats(Note these are not exact, I forget the exact figures)
75% 1-2 week
50% 1-2 months
25% 6 months
10% 1+ years

I remember a majority of the people weren't able to accept these numbers. Some denied the numbers, others despised the group leader for writing them up on the board, and others who have been through the program for their loved one agreed. Personally it was SUCHHHH a wake up call! I was expecting this one week of a rehab program to solve all of her issues, and her to be back to normal and ready to function. Going by the correct statistics one individual did the math and it worked out to only 1 person in the group of 30 in the inpatient group successfully making it over 2 years.

I also realized I am an enabler. I say I'm going to leave her and continue to return. I would constantly lie about what she was doing. Even as far to lie about her pursuing her college degree, when she had actually dropped out, and was most likely doing drugs at the time. Her withdrawl symptoms I would constantly play off as her just being tired, and that's just my anon kind of sayings. She's unique, that's just her. There were a million excuses. Personally I still couldn't tell another significant other that I have been dating a full blown crack addict for 2 years. I am embarrassed, and I am embarrassed for her. Her mom is also an enabler, I wish I could get through to her. Money is always available in her family, and her mom allows a constant flow of it. In addition, her mom also would like to conceal her drug usage from literally everyone. That includes extremely close family friends. She lives with her mom and I am worried.

I am 21 years old, still pursuing my degree, and drowning in this codependency. Everything I keep reading is that I need to push away from this individual, and stop being an enabler. What am I supposed to do? What is the line between helping and becoming codependent? Every self help website I keep reading leads to the conclusion of moving on? This doesn't feel right, and doesn't even sound right to me.

Ann

The line is that when you do for her what she could and should be doing for herself but refuses to do, you are knee deep in codependency. When your life becomes so focused on her that you don't recognize the person you have become...such as the frenzy you had with her phone...that's codependency.

I was the Codie Detective extraordinaire! But in the end, knowing and proving didn't change a thing with my addicted son, but it almost drove me over the edge into insanity. It was when I threatened to kick down a crack house door if my son didn't come out, that I knew it was no longer about saving him but was now about saving myself because I came close to dying that night.

You are young and have a full life ahead of you. You cannot save her, and I pray that rehab will help her find a new path.

Why not put some time and space between you, let her work on her recovery and you work on yours and claim back your life.

Glad you found us, hope the information you find here will help you.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.......we all understand what's it is like to love someone who is addicted to drugs. There's lots of great information regarding addiction and codependency here.

I recognized my codependency the during my son's first stint in an inpatient program. It was there that I began to work on me.

Try not to worry about the statistics. They are simply an indication of the cunning and baffling nature of addiction and you have no control over whether she commits fully to her recovery. But now that you recognize your own issues, you do have control over that.

We are very big on self care around here. Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

BB89

You don't have to move on but it would be wise to set some boundaries and learn to let her go. That doesn't mean break up with her or stop loving her. It just means letting her make her own decisions and accepting that, right now, this is who she is and you can't change that. No matter what you do, it wont work. She has to do it for herself; she has to suffer her own consequences.

Letting go of my ex was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life but it brought me so much peace. I did eventually choose to walk away from him (yesterday) but that was my choice and doesn't have to be yours. Just be honest with yourself. And most importantly, take some time to work on yourself. Keep coming here and check out an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting; get some help for yourself regardless of what she's doing.

I really hope that your partner can stay sober. It does happen and there is hope.

Baloo

Trybot,

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for those statistics. Ugh! Didn't like reading them, but I needed it. Best luck to you. Will pray for you.
I think you can follow some common sense combined with what you know now and develop a plan just for you. It seems like almost everybody here had to just let their Addict go indefinitely though. Addicts don't give us options unfortunately.
My Addict has probably one more chance to impress me in a jail visit. And then I will have to ignore her like I've been doing. :/ Not fun, but I had too many clues that codependency was ruining my life. And some clues that she didn't (couldn't?) care.

bryanb1

I didn't even know what codependency was until I tossed my XAGF out of my home. After two years of living together, I found myself consumed with the fear that she was using. Hours wasted asking myself the same questions over and over again. "Is she acting strange?" "Is she high?" "Why did she sleep all day?" Constant dwelling. Constant worrying. It turned out I was right. She was using, but it didn't make me feel any better.

The whole time I thought I was helping by taking care of everything she needed. In reality, I was enabling her behavior and stealing the opportunity for her to grow into a responsible person and recover.

It wasn't until I tossed her out that she finally started taking the necessary stops to cope with her addiction. While we still are not together, I talk with her and her mother regularly to find out how she is doing. She is on her 20th day of complete sobriety. Today she is meeting with her new sponsor to work the steps. She has been attending at least one, sometimes up to three, meetings every singe day since she got out of the detox program. So far she is doing everything she needs to do.

What I didn't understand until now was that in order for her to heal, I had to get the hell out of the way. while I truly hope she succeeds, I have come to grips with knowing that she may relapse. She might fail. The most important thing I have learned is that whether she fails or succeeds, its not my doing. It's not my fault. Her recovery is her own journey.

Best of luck to you.

theotherhalf

bryanb-do you find the talking to her helps or hurt...im debating whether or not to keep talking...I don't want to cut off all comms out of fear of losing her but at the same time it hurts me that she only calls on her time, which is early in the morning, and ignores me the rest of the time...I know im super codep and want to reclaim my life and identity back....I also want to rush things and have her back already...im my crazy mind I want to get her back and move in together and try and work things out while shes only been about 30 days sober...

bryanb1

What was important for me was to set up boundaries. She needed to know that I will 100% not tolerate an active addict living in my home. I just cannot do it. You have to draw the line somewhere, otherwise an addict will walk all over you. Its not healthy for them, and its not healthy for you.

You cannot be afraid to lose her. I know its easier said than done, but right now she is in no position to be loving anyone. Her number one priority right now is drugs. When she gets out, her number one priority needs to be her recovery. It hurts. It hurts real bad. Take the time alone to learn more about yourself, and why you want to be in a relationship like the one you're in. There is a wealth olf information on this site. I am new here, but I have been visiting most every day to learn more.

With how my Ex has been doing with her recovery, it has been nice being able to communicate with her. Its nice to talk to the person I met three years ago. If the circumstances were different, and she was not working her recovery, I would break off all communications. I'm just done. I'm done with the lies. I'm done dwelling about what she's doing. I'm done trying to control an uncontrollable situation.

I have made a promise to myself, that my Ex and I are not even going to discuss cohabitating for a year. I will consider resuming the relationship prior to that, which she wants so dearly, if, and only if, she continues to work her recovery.

Today is her 20th day sober.

theotherhalf

yea were almost in the same boat then...time in relationship and all...weve been together on and off for 3 years...this time was kind of her bottom and shes doing great in her sober house...working on her steps and going to every meeting that she can....really working on herself...shes the one who said we should take a break yet i get calls every other day....how are you maintaining the ability to not be attached though when you talk to her? don't you want to be like hey you sound great and lets try it again?

theotherhalf

do you do nar-anon and coda?

bryanb1

No I have not, but I have heard good things. I did pick up a book on codependency, and have been reading as much as I can on here.

theotherhalf

whats the move for you then....try and date other people? I feel like If I do that then im just letting go and giving up...meanwhile she could be doing just that even though shes not supposed to but its still a reality

bryanb1

I wish I knew the easy answer to that. We haven't been talking about us.

We are both focusing on ourselves as individuals now. Its what we both need.

We mostly talk about her recovery, the new friends she has made in AA, the books she is reading, and the classes she registered in for the fall. Ill talk about my work, what books I am reading (I haven't read in years.) how my pool game is progressing.

Every situation will be different.

bryanb1

Honestly, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. For now, I am going to do some work around my house, read a few books, and focus on my work.

I certainly haven't given up on my Ex, but, for now, she needs to work on herself. If we wind up back together down the road, great. If not, I know that I will be OK.

Ill let the chips fall where they may.

theotherhalf

yea maybe ill limit the calls to once a week or two then....I would also recommend coda...ive been to two so far...I didn't speak but I listened and most everything people were saying was me...It really focuses on finding out who you are... I havent been able to do that yet but im taking the steps....im doing nar-anon tomorrow also so maybe that should shed some light on the why she did what she did....all the cheating lies and deceit...I never in a million years thought I would be in this boat...if someone told me back then what I was going through I would say dump them immediately....not so easy when its you lol

theotherhalf

one more question for you...I know everyone is different and ill have to find my own comfort zone but how often do you two speak?

bryanb1

Just about every day.