Just need to vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 29
Just need to vent
This is sooo long, sorry... here's some history:
My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19 (high cholesterol runs in the family). At the time, AM and I weren't speaking and the subsequent years were.. difficult.. at best. To make matters worse, the house (which had been in my family for nearly fifty years) was in my dad's name (Grandma had just died and left it to him- they hadn't got it in both of their names yet.) That being said, it went to the state when he died and mom had to buy it back. Combine that with the fact that the family income went from over 100k before his death to less than 30k after, and her drinking became notably worse. She began relying on me for a lot of things and if she wasn't screaming about how she wished she were dead / threatening to kill herself, she was screaming at me about what a horrible, worthless person I am and how she never wanted children.
She struggled to pay the bills; I helped where I could out of what I now define as guilt (for what, I'm not sure). Over the years, I put about $10,000 into that house, plus paid utilities, cable/internet (her job then required internet connection from home), groceries, and just about anything else that was needed- including about $2,000 in vet bills for her dog (I'm a pet owner, so I'm a sucker for animals). This is all while I was trying to go to school. Needless to say, I let my grades slip, lost my academic scholarship and ended up footing the $30,000/year bill myself while supporting her and paying for my apartment. Anyway, she refused to sell the house- saying it was because my dad would have wanted me to have it. All the while, she let it fall apart- along with herself. I recently found out that she sold my dad's stuff to "survive" (which meant feeding her dog and buying beer). She's been fired from three jobs in the past 5 years for not showing up and arguing with her bosses.
She would get herself into financial trouble (maxed out cards, utilities / vehicle / house behind 3+ months) then ask for help. When I finally started applying conditions to it (essentially that I would help if she would start making steps to take care of herself), then I was that same bad daughter. No man would want me because of my debt. What a loser I was that it took me so many years to get my bachelor's degree and that I didn't have a house or a husband or a child like she had by the time she was 26. She'd tell me that I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic just like she was because I was a bartender for a catering service. Then I wouldn't hear from her for awhile.
Fast forward to now. I'm an analyst with degrees in software engineering and game design. I'm paying off my student debt. I have a house and the best springer spaniel ever. I'm engaged to a wonderful, understanding man- set to get married in five months. And the week of my 30th birthday, we moved my mother from her house (which she lost) into our basement. We cleaned out our second living room, guest rooms, bathroom, storage room, kitchenette so she could have it. We are not charging her rent.
And the whole thing didn't humble her in the least. She didn't lose the house because of anything SHE did. It's because my awful grandmother left dad that house and she was "forced" to move into it. It's that God hates her (she isn't a church-going person) or the universe thinks she doesn't deserve anything and how dare I insinuate it's her drinking problem and she just needs to get her own place so she can never talk to me again.. (oh and if I'm going to the store later, could I please pick her up a six pack?)
Here's the selfish bit- this is the first weekend I haven't had to work in a loooong time. My fiance and I claimed it "date weekend" and we've been finishing up wedding details. Today, we get home from our tasting (and I'm giddy like a little girl) and I'm met with her complaints about how hard life is, and how I'm high maintenance and spoiled, and how it must be nice to have a house.. how she wants her own house because she needs her own space- away from us- and how she is so old and shouldn't have to work anymore and should be enjoying retirement (she is 55...).
And all I can think is.. this is supposed to be one of the happiest years of my life, and she's putting a big stain all over it.
My dad died of a heart attack when I was 19 (high cholesterol runs in the family). At the time, AM and I weren't speaking and the subsequent years were.. difficult.. at best. To make matters worse, the house (which had been in my family for nearly fifty years) was in my dad's name (Grandma had just died and left it to him- they hadn't got it in both of their names yet.) That being said, it went to the state when he died and mom had to buy it back. Combine that with the fact that the family income went from over 100k before his death to less than 30k after, and her drinking became notably worse. She began relying on me for a lot of things and if she wasn't screaming about how she wished she were dead / threatening to kill herself, she was screaming at me about what a horrible, worthless person I am and how she never wanted children.
She struggled to pay the bills; I helped where I could out of what I now define as guilt (for what, I'm not sure). Over the years, I put about $10,000 into that house, plus paid utilities, cable/internet (her job then required internet connection from home), groceries, and just about anything else that was needed- including about $2,000 in vet bills for her dog (I'm a pet owner, so I'm a sucker for animals). This is all while I was trying to go to school. Needless to say, I let my grades slip, lost my academic scholarship and ended up footing the $30,000/year bill myself while supporting her and paying for my apartment. Anyway, she refused to sell the house- saying it was because my dad would have wanted me to have it. All the while, she let it fall apart- along with herself. I recently found out that she sold my dad's stuff to "survive" (which meant feeding her dog and buying beer). She's been fired from three jobs in the past 5 years for not showing up and arguing with her bosses.
She would get herself into financial trouble (maxed out cards, utilities / vehicle / house behind 3+ months) then ask for help. When I finally started applying conditions to it (essentially that I would help if she would start making steps to take care of herself), then I was that same bad daughter. No man would want me because of my debt. What a loser I was that it took me so many years to get my bachelor's degree and that I didn't have a house or a husband or a child like she had by the time she was 26. She'd tell me that I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic just like she was because I was a bartender for a catering service. Then I wouldn't hear from her for awhile.
Fast forward to now. I'm an analyst with degrees in software engineering and game design. I'm paying off my student debt. I have a house and the best springer spaniel ever. I'm engaged to a wonderful, understanding man- set to get married in five months. And the week of my 30th birthday, we moved my mother from her house (which she lost) into our basement. We cleaned out our second living room, guest rooms, bathroom, storage room, kitchenette so she could have it. We are not charging her rent.
And the whole thing didn't humble her in the least. She didn't lose the house because of anything SHE did. It's because my awful grandmother left dad that house and she was "forced" to move into it. It's that God hates her (she isn't a church-going person) or the universe thinks she doesn't deserve anything and how dare I insinuate it's her drinking problem and she just needs to get her own place so she can never talk to me again.. (oh and if I'm going to the store later, could I please pick her up a six pack?)
Here's the selfish bit- this is the first weekend I haven't had to work in a loooong time. My fiance and I claimed it "date weekend" and we've been finishing up wedding details. Today, we get home from our tasting (and I'm giddy like a little girl) and I'm met with her complaints about how hard life is, and how I'm high maintenance and spoiled, and how it must be nice to have a house.. how she wants her own house because she needs her own space- away from us- and how she is so old and shouldn't have to work anymore and should be enjoying retirement (she is 55...).
And all I can think is.. this is supposed to be one of the happiest years of my life, and she's putting a big stain all over it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
You are not selfish, not in the least. To even think you are shows how traumatized you are by her. I'm sorry she is your responsibility. Does she drink in your home? I don't know if I would allow that, thus forcing a crisis and establishing an intervention with treatment. May not work but, allowing this negativity into your daily life will not last nor end up happily.
Be very careful having her in your future children's life. It could be devastating.
Be very careful having her in your future children's life. It could be devastating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 29
Thanks. 
It's just really frustrating sometimes.
She does not drink in the house, and... I suppose conveniently enough, not having a job right now prevents her from buying alcohol. We don't keep any in the house. And whenever she asks, I just tell her money's tight with the wedding so no can do (mostly because I don't want to fight). Although, I know she assumes it's because I don't approve of her drinking because of that snarky look she always gives me.
My family tried to do somewhat of an intervention while I was in college but it didn't work. That woman will die alone before she'll ever admit she has a problem with anything or that she's done something wrong. Ironically, the alcohol keeps her from remembering, anyway..
Without alcohol, she actually is a lot less negative, but this week has been exceptionally brutal.
As for future children... FI and I are already in agreement that any visits will be supervised and alcohol-free. No overnights. If there's even a hint at an issue, visits will stop. After what I went through as a child (and what I'm putting myself through as an adult with her), I'm not going to let my child be exposed to this dysfunction.
This is my last effort with her (as far as helping her out- if she ever wants to put down the bottle and build a relationship, that might be another story.. too soon to tell). She has interviews for jobs next week and the week after, and she has been looking for apartments in the area.. once she is out (I'm not holding my breath just yet), she is not coming back.
It's just really frustrating sometimes.She does not drink in the house, and... I suppose conveniently enough, not having a job right now prevents her from buying alcohol. We don't keep any in the house. And whenever she asks, I just tell her money's tight with the wedding so no can do (mostly because I don't want to fight). Although, I know she assumes it's because I don't approve of her drinking because of that snarky look she always gives me.
My family tried to do somewhat of an intervention while I was in college but it didn't work. That woman will die alone before she'll ever admit she has a problem with anything or that she's done something wrong. Ironically, the alcohol keeps her from remembering, anyway..
Without alcohol, she actually is a lot less negative, but this week has been exceptionally brutal.
As for future children... FI and I are already in agreement that any visits will be supervised and alcohol-free. No overnights. If there's even a hint at an issue, visits will stop. After what I went through as a child (and what I'm putting myself through as an adult with her), I'm not going to let my child be exposed to this dysfunction.
This is my last effort with her (as far as helping her out- if she ever wants to put down the bottle and build a relationship, that might be another story.. too soon to tell). She has interviews for jobs next week and the week after, and she has been looking for apartments in the area.. once she is out (I'm not holding my breath just yet), she is not coming back.
That sounds like a good plan! 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Holding down a job doesn't sound like something she is going to able to stick with, I hope it works. I'm glad you have a plan for future kids. I know how hard it is hoping that an alcoholic parent straightens up, my Dad didn't til he was 80. Protect yourself.
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