Making My Mother's Mistake - Daughter of an Alcoholic Father
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Vancouver
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Making My Mother's Mistake - Daughter of an Alcoholic Father
As far as being a child of an alcoholic goes, I've been lucky.
My father was never abusive, verbally or physically. He is what people would call a "functional alcoholic."
I didn't even realize he was an alcoholic until I was about 18 — likely, I was in denial. He hid it well, I must say.
He would go "check on the boat" at night and get drunk, so I rarely saw it happen.
Sometimes he would come home late and water the plants and spill water everywhere.
Sometimes he would bake a pie in the middle of the night.
It was almost like he was apologizing for his addiction while he was in the midst of it.
In general, I just thought he was eccentric.
It wasn't until I was about 20 years old that I saw the toll it took on my mother to watch him cradle his alcoholism.
One day she looked at me and said, point blank, "Promise me you will never marry an alcoholic. If I'd realized before we were married what he was, I wouldn't have married him."
It's hard to hear your mother tell you that marrying your father was, not necessarily a mistake, but a lapse in judgement.
I felt confident that I could uphold that promise.
Now, at 24 years old, I am realizing that I may have unconsciously followed her down the rabbit hole.
I've been dating my boyfriend Sam* for a year now, and I've been noticing lately that he may be more like my father than I would like.
Let me preface this by saying that Sam is an amazing boyfriend—he's kind, thoughtful, very open and communicative, and treats me with respect.
He told me early on that his father was 12 years sober (bravo!) and I thought nothing of it.
If anything, at the time I assumed this would make him less likely to be one, having experienced the negativity of having an alcoholic parent.
In a way, I felt connected to him because of that fact.
Back then, we didn't see enough of each other for me to realize how much he drinks.
If we went out and he got drunk it didn't matter. We're young right? And many times I was drinking right alongside of him.
Now that we spend nearly every day together though, I'm noticing it.
A couple beers after work on weekdays... no big deal.
Pretty drunk on the weekends... sometimes I am too, but significantly less often.
In social settings he seems to feel the need to drink the most out of anyone.
I would say that to an extent, he enjoys the attention that comes with being drunk, as well as the ability to talk to strangers without any anxiety.
He is older (27) and most of his friends are my age (23-24) and I wonder sometimes if that is because he can blend into the binge drinking habits of young 20-somethings.
It's hard for me to know if I'm being paranoid or not.
He's obviously abusing alcohol, but is he an alcoholic?
Last year my best friend passed away from ecstasy and I've been extremely aware of both my own mortality, and the mortality of others.
I'm afraid of heading too far down a road I'm not equipped to navigate.
Where do I go from here?
*names have been changed
My father was never abusive, verbally or physically. He is what people would call a "functional alcoholic."
I didn't even realize he was an alcoholic until I was about 18 — likely, I was in denial. He hid it well, I must say.
He would go "check on the boat" at night and get drunk, so I rarely saw it happen.
Sometimes he would come home late and water the plants and spill water everywhere.
Sometimes he would bake a pie in the middle of the night.
It was almost like he was apologizing for his addiction while he was in the midst of it.
In general, I just thought he was eccentric.
It wasn't until I was about 20 years old that I saw the toll it took on my mother to watch him cradle his alcoholism.
One day she looked at me and said, point blank, "Promise me you will never marry an alcoholic. If I'd realized before we were married what he was, I wouldn't have married him."
It's hard to hear your mother tell you that marrying your father was, not necessarily a mistake, but a lapse in judgement.
I felt confident that I could uphold that promise.
Now, at 24 years old, I am realizing that I may have unconsciously followed her down the rabbit hole.
I've been dating my boyfriend Sam* for a year now, and I've been noticing lately that he may be more like my father than I would like.
Let me preface this by saying that Sam is an amazing boyfriend—he's kind, thoughtful, very open and communicative, and treats me with respect.
He told me early on that his father was 12 years sober (bravo!) and I thought nothing of it.
If anything, at the time I assumed this would make him less likely to be one, having experienced the negativity of having an alcoholic parent.
In a way, I felt connected to him because of that fact.
Back then, we didn't see enough of each other for me to realize how much he drinks.
If we went out and he got drunk it didn't matter. We're young right? And many times I was drinking right alongside of him.
Now that we spend nearly every day together though, I'm noticing it.
A couple beers after work on weekdays... no big deal.
Pretty drunk on the weekends... sometimes I am too, but significantly less often.
In social settings he seems to feel the need to drink the most out of anyone.
I would say that to an extent, he enjoys the attention that comes with being drunk, as well as the ability to talk to strangers without any anxiety.
He is older (27) and most of his friends are my age (23-24) and I wonder sometimes if that is because he can blend into the binge drinking habits of young 20-somethings.
It's hard for me to know if I'm being paranoid or not.
He's obviously abusing alcohol, but is he an alcoholic?
Last year my best friend passed away from ecstasy and I've been extremely aware of both my own mortality, and the mortality of others.
I'm afraid of heading too far down a road I'm not equipped to navigate.
Where do I go from here?
*names have been changed
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hard to say. Have you ever talked to him about it?
Sometimes trying not to drink for a period of time can be very eye-opening. How hard is it to do? How much do you resent not being able to drink? Do you come up with excuses to break your commitment?
Since his dad is sober, he might be more willing than some to consider the possibility he might be an at-risk drinker. Of course, he may just deny having a problem, in which case it's sort of hard to draw any hard conclusions at this point. Some people like to drink--a lot--and are not alcoholics.
Sometimes trying not to drink for a period of time can be very eye-opening. How hard is it to do? How much do you resent not being able to drink? Do you come up with excuses to break your commitment?
Since his dad is sober, he might be more willing than some to consider the possibility he might be an at-risk drinker. Of course, he may just deny having a problem, in which case it's sort of hard to draw any hard conclusions at this point. Some people like to drink--a lot--and are not alcoholics.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I think Lexie has the best idea.
Talk to him outright about it, why waste another minute questioning yourself?
I think it is a red flag that he is hanging out with people younger than he is,
but, that is just something that bothered me about the older guys hanging out with girls who could not buy their own alcohol.
Or, have it available if they wanted some.
Definitely one of my "triggers" so it is personal to me.
but you mention they are old enough to drink, so it is just me feeling a little hinky about it. LOL
If his drinking bothers you, then talk to him about it.
And, as they say "more will be revealed.
Okay, in my opinion drinking to "outdrink" and be sociable are immature even for a twenty something.
I drank to cover for my social anxiety and quickly became addicted.
My father was an alcoholic and I swore I would never do that.
Well, I did it, drank for twenty years and married to two addicts.
I guess, just take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of yourself, first and always,
Beth
Talk to him outright about it, why waste another minute questioning yourself?
I think it is a red flag that he is hanging out with people younger than he is,
but, that is just something that bothered me about the older guys hanging out with girls who could not buy their own alcohol.
Or, have it available if they wanted some.
Definitely one of my "triggers" so it is personal to me.
but you mention they are old enough to drink, so it is just me feeling a little hinky about it. LOL
If his drinking bothers you, then talk to him about it.
And, as they say "more will be revealed.
In social settings he seems to feel the need to drink the most out of anyone.
I would say that to an extent, he enjoys the attention that comes with being drunk, as well as the ability to talk to strangers without any anxiety.
I would say that to an extent, he enjoys the attention that comes with being drunk, as well as the ability to talk to strangers without any anxiety.
I drank to cover for my social anxiety and quickly became addicted.
My father was an alcoholic and I swore I would never do that.
Well, I did it, drank for twenty years and married to two addicts.
I guess, just take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of yourself, first and always,
Beth
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