Moved out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Moved out
Like many of you I have been married 27 years with 2 adult kids 22 and 26.Im the Husband I've been attending Alanon for 12 years.My wife has been relapsing for years and not just slips but heavy prescription usage of all sorts either she is sober and acts out in deep silence and extreme resentment or using and acts out the same.I attend 3 meetings a week and I moved out.its the 1st time I have done this so the hair on my head was standing and I had goosebumps of joy and still do.I have been gone for a month I asked her only to text me and not to call due to the stressful PTSD feelings from the lying and not taking responsibility either way its always my fault and its like talking to a scripted parrot.My feelings have are no where in the Alanon book does it have an exit plan and I feel it should?.I'm not angry but feel relieved .I can tell you its been a battle and the moment I left she stopped using and got a sponsor and her texts are in my face such as
I'm a sober women and my sponsor says I can't make any decisions till I finish my step work I'm not sure what decisions need to be made But I already left!!!!
I'm a sober women and my sponsor says I can't make any decisions till I finish my step work I'm not sure what decisions need to be made But I already left!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Ovid... you know it is early days in her "sobriety" (embryonic really) so take those texts with a grain of salt... Good for you that you are taking care of you! I could learn a lot from that kind of courage. :o)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Ovid, It's so good to hear you have 'goosebumps of joy'. I understand what you said about passive aggressive silences that just suck the life out of you. If your wife is going to get past that way of dealing with a relationship, it's IMO going to take a lot of time and hard work, so don't be in a rush to move back. But I have a feeling you won't be.
Exit plan? Make up your own.
Exit plan? Make up your own.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Ovid,
You made your exit, and you can talk to your own sponsor and let her spin on what her sponsor says!
Delighted for you and your own place!
How peaceful.
And now, you need a year to recoup too.
Ask for a year of silence.
Too much?
Beth
You made your exit, and you can talk to your own sponsor and let her spin on what her sponsor says!
Delighted for you and your own place!
How peaceful.
And now, you need a year to recoup too.
Ask for a year of silence.
Too much?
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Good for you! Your role in life is not to wait for around for her to be able to "make decisions" - your life is worth more than that. I'm so happy for you for taking charge of yourself and making the best decisions for you. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Thanks everyone of course I second guess myself myself every couple of days and I'm under constant text attack I'm trying to be nice in my responses which gives her an opportunity to launch missiles at me and of course she takes no responsibility which helps me understand my situation even more.Only because I moved out can I see the game in full swing its very difficult to see when I lived in the house under close contact like a Bullfighter With constant tension and what the bull will do next.Im in therapy which has helped me understand my roll in caregiver ,Child parent roll with an adult and the victim that points the mirror at me to project guilt and shame on me that trick works very well 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi Ovid, It's so good to hear you have 'goosebumps of joy'. I understand what you said about passive aggressive silences that just suck the life out of you. If your wife is going to get past that way of dealing with a relationship, it's IMO going to take a lot of time and hard work, so don't be in a rush to move back. But I have a feeling you won't be.
Exit plan? Make up your own.
Exit plan? Make up your own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by LUCAN
Wow. Good for you. I'm trying to line up a similar move. I want my AW to move out. I want to keep some order for my 13 yo daughter. I don't feel like a trial separation though. Why wait. I'm thinking divorce.
I thought of leaving a 1000 times with making threats I was the one holding on for a change these are the most cunning diabolical systemic type of creatures on earth.I sneaked out on the trial separation card and its wonderful I feel my feet on the ground I can watch movies all the way thru I can talk to people and care about what they are saying I'm not in a rush to run home and walk on eggshells the constant pressure and ringing ears is gone and sleepless nights with anxiety feeling like a stranger in my own home if you have any of these issues leave and don't look back
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Ovid, have you thought of going No Contact (NC) with your wife? You don't have to take her phone calls, e-mails or texts.
It may be hard emotionally to block them, but if you do, you remove yourself from her chaotic crazy equation. She then has to deal with herself, or at least, NOT with you.
There is absolutely no reason for you to have to wake up at 2AM to be treated badly.
This is about boundaries which are limits to what kind of behavior you will accept. It isn't about HER behavior. You can't control her behavior.
But you CAN decide what you will do and what you won't do. You could choose to tell her "I will no longer read or respond to any of your e-mails or texts. I will block them on my computer and on my phone. I need peace and quiet and I will not allow you to disrupt my life anymore.
If you can go to Alanon meetings, they will help you a great deal.
And, you don't have give yourself a deadline of 6 months. You can take as long as you want, or decide as quickly as you want. You get to center YOUR life on YOU.
When I went No Contact, it was a relief. It was peaceful. My little dog never said a cross word to me or criticized me. It gave me time to get off the crazy train my AH lived on, and just be. And that gave me peace and clarity enough to know that I was right to leave him, and I never wanted to go back.
We're all with you, come and post as often as you want.
ShootingStar1
It may be hard emotionally to block them, but if you do, you remove yourself from her chaotic crazy equation. She then has to deal with herself, or at least, NOT with you.
There is absolutely no reason for you to have to wake up at 2AM to be treated badly.
This is about boundaries which are limits to what kind of behavior you will accept. It isn't about HER behavior. You can't control her behavior.
But you CAN decide what you will do and what you won't do. You could choose to tell her "I will no longer read or respond to any of your e-mails or texts. I will block them on my computer and on my phone. I need peace and quiet and I will not allow you to disrupt my life anymore.
If you can go to Alanon meetings, they will help you a great deal.
And, you don't have give yourself a deadline of 6 months. You can take as long as you want, or decide as quickly as you want. You get to center YOUR life on YOU.
When I went No Contact, it was a relief. It was peaceful. My little dog never said a cross word to me or criticized me. It gave me time to get off the crazy train my AH lived on, and just be. And that gave me peace and clarity enough to know that I was right to leave him, and I never wanted to go back.
We're all with you, come and post as often as you want.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
That game is in full swing constantly even the children are pawns in the wild game the energy that goes in this could power Los Angeles for a week
Having time for yourself means just that, and getting awoken at 2 am is inexcusable.
What happens while in a long marriage with someone who is so ill,
is you become used to the abuse.
And no question about this, it is abuse, waking you to accuse you of adultery is
in the addict's controlling playbook.
Please consider no allowing her to control your sleeping time.
Turn off the phone and computer.
If you do have to speak to her, tell her in no uncertain terms,
"I will no longer be answering any calls or texts between the hours of
ten pm and 8 am."
Or ever, that sounds good to me!
Keep taking care of yourself Ovid.
You can do this and be happy, she wants to interrupt so you do not know how
peaceful it is without her.
Why are your grown children involved?
I am sorry, I do not know why I asked that.
In my marriage it was all about that power struggle.
When I dropped my end of the rope, he had no one to hold up my end of the argument.
The end.
Of course, it takes a lot of walking away and not answering the phone or cues
that were years in the making, but it can be done. I did it.
I admit, I used to use the silent treatment.
He would act out or threaten to cheat on me (my abandonment issues).
Those who have children and have been married a long time
know how to hurt each other.
I hope for you it is time to stop.
Beth
I am rooting for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Ovid, have you thought of going No Contact (NC) with your wife? You don't have to take her phone calls, e-mails or texts.
It may be hard emotionally to block them, but if you do, you remove yourself from her chaotic crazy equation. She then has to deal with herself, or at least, NOT with you.
There is absolutely no reason for you to have to wake up at 2AM to be treated badly.
This is about boundaries which are limits to what kind of behavior you will accept. It isn't about HER behavior. You can't control her behavior.
But you CAN decide what you will do and what you won't do. You could choose to tell her "I will no longer read or respond to any of your e-mails or texts. I will block them on my computer and on my phone. I need peace and quiet and I will not allow you to disrupt my life anymore.
If you can go to Alanon meetings, they will help you a great deal.
And, you don't have give yourself a deadline of 6 months. You can take as long as you want, or decide as quickly as you want. You get to center YOUR life on YOU.
When I went No Contact, it was a relief. It was peaceful. My little dog never said a cross word to me or criticized me. It gave me time to get off the crazy train my AH lived on, and just be. And that gave me peace and clarity enough to know that I was right to leave him, and I never wanted to go back.
We're all with you, come and post as often as you want.
ShootingStar1
It may be hard emotionally to block them, but if you do, you remove yourself from her chaotic crazy equation. She then has to deal with herself, or at least, NOT with you.
There is absolutely no reason for you to have to wake up at 2AM to be treated badly.
This is about boundaries which are limits to what kind of behavior you will accept. It isn't about HER behavior. You can't control her behavior.
But you CAN decide what you will do and what you won't do. You could choose to tell her "I will no longer read or respond to any of your e-mails or texts. I will block them on my computer and on my phone. I need peace and quiet and I will not allow you to disrupt my life anymore.
If you can go to Alanon meetings, they will help you a great deal.
And, you don't have give yourself a deadline of 6 months. You can take as long as you want, or decide as quickly as you want. You get to center YOUR life on YOU.
When I went No Contact, it was a relief. It was peaceful. My little dog never said a cross word to me or criticized me. It gave me time to get off the crazy train my AH lived on, and just be. And that gave me peace and clarity enough to know that I was right to leave him, and I never wanted to go back.
We're all with you, come and post as often as you want.
ShootingStar1
Originally Posted by wicked
Wow! I agree with ShootingStar1, please consider no contact.
Having time for yourself means just that, and getting awoken at 2 am is inexcusable.
What happens while in a long marriage with someone who is so ill,
is you become used to the abuse.
And no question about this, it is abuse, waking you to accuse you of adultery is
in the addict's controlling playbook.
Please consider no allowing her to control your sleeping time.
Turn off the phone and computer.
If you do have to speak to her, tell her in no uncertain terms,
"I will no longer be answering any calls or texts between the hours of
ten pm and 8 am."
Or ever, that sounds good to me!
Keep taking care of yourself Ovid.
You can do this and be happy, she wants to interrupt so you do not know how
peaceful it is without her.
Why are your grown children involved?
I am sorry, I do not know why I asked that.
In my marriage it was all about that power struggle.
When I dropped my end of the rope, he had no one to hold up my end of the argument.
The end.
Of course, it takes a lot of walking away and not answering the phone or cues
that were years in the making, but it can be done. I did it.
I admit, I used to use the silent treatment.
He would act out or threaten to cheat on me (my abandonment issues).
Those who have children and have been married a long time
know how to hurt each other.
I hope for you it is time to stop.
Beth
I am rooting for you!
Having time for yourself means just that, and getting awoken at 2 am is inexcusable.
What happens while in a long marriage with someone who is so ill,
is you become used to the abuse.
And no question about this, it is abuse, waking you to accuse you of adultery is
in the addict's controlling playbook.
Please consider no allowing her to control your sleeping time.
Turn off the phone and computer.
If you do have to speak to her, tell her in no uncertain terms,
"I will no longer be answering any calls or texts between the hours of
ten pm and 8 am."
Or ever, that sounds good to me!
Keep taking care of yourself Ovid.
You can do this and be happy, she wants to interrupt so you do not know how
peaceful it is without her.
Why are your grown children involved?
I am sorry, I do not know why I asked that.
In my marriage it was all about that power struggle.
When I dropped my end of the rope, he had no one to hold up my end of the argument.
The end.
Of course, it takes a lot of walking away and not answering the phone or cues
that were years in the making, but it can be done. I did it.
I admit, I used to use the silent treatment.
He would act out or threaten to cheat on me (my abandonment issues).
Those who have children and have been married a long time
know how to hurt each other.
I hope for you it is time to stop.
Beth
I am rooting for you!
or great!! Her last text was How are you ? I said Great and Fantastic !! Never use those 2 words together I can even write the text that came back But it wasn't pretty.I have been going to Alanon I love it again my issue is there isn't
any acceptable way to handle this other than leaving or suffer incomprehensible
demoralization to the extreme .I love talking to you guys about it because most of you understand my sponsor is great but even he is running out of things to say
Ovid
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I know that going No Contact can save lives.
Here's why. Years ago, when she was younger, my grandmother was a very lively woman, and the telephone was new in her life, and she jumped and ran to answer it. Literally. On the first ring.
So my grandfather was painting their house, and when he got to painting the third story, he put a board on the window sill in the attic and made my grandmother sit on the inside to balance him sitting on the outside, painting the siding.
You guessed it - - the phone rang.
Now my grandfather was a man of very few words, but he found a few. LYDA SIT DOWN were the first few, and I think he shocked her into sitting back down and letting the phone ring and ring and ring.
So, Ovid, what will save your life? Answering the phone, or making sure you stay in balance?
ShootingStar1
Here's why. Years ago, when she was younger, my grandmother was a very lively woman, and the telephone was new in her life, and she jumped and ran to answer it. Literally. On the first ring.
So my grandfather was painting their house, and when he got to painting the third story, he put a board on the window sill in the attic and made my grandmother sit on the inside to balance him sitting on the outside, painting the siding.
You guessed it - - the phone rang.
Now my grandfather was a man of very few words, but he found a few. LYDA SIT DOWN were the first few, and I think he shocked her into sitting back down and letting the phone ring and ring and ring.
So, Ovid, what will save your life? Answering the phone, or making sure you stay in balance?
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
I think I can't let a ringing phone or a text unanswered But I can!! and the weird thing is I never thought I had a choice
Your phone is there for YOUR convenience. It's not for anyone else's. The only things you have to do in this life is pay taxes and die. Everything else is a choice
I recommend No Contact, and if you have to baby steps. If its todifficult, Start with NC for one day, then NC for two days, then NC for a week. Once you string all those together, you will have a month. Go a complete month with NC, and then see how YOU are doing. Sometimes we have to step away from things for a period of time before we can see things as they really are. One day at a time!
Your phone is there for YOUR convenience. It's not for anyone else's. The only things you have to do in this life is pay taxes and die. Everything else is a choice
I recommend No Contact, and if you have to baby steps. If its todifficult, Start with NC for one day, then NC for two days, then NC for a week. Once you string all those together, you will have a month. Go a complete month with NC, and then see how YOU are doing. Sometimes we have to step away from things for a period of time before we can see things as they really are. One day at a time!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Absolutely great advice I think I can't let a ringing phone or a text unanswered But I can!! and the weird thing is I never thought I had a choice thinking I will miss out on something
When you start saying to yourself, "ya know, I am busy, and she never has anything
new or different to say, I will get it later. or never!"
Beth
(still waiting for something new or different over 10 years later!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: topeka ks
Posts: 2
thanks for sharing...
I'm new to the site and I'm so glad I found this thread! I'm married to an alcoholic who has stopped drinking, it's been ten days!
I had found a place to move to and gave him an ultimatium, stop drinking and get help! or we (3 sons still at home) are gone! He has stopped before always to start up again, I've never given this ultimatium before.... I'm absolutely terrified about the prospect of moving, but so excited at the same time.....couldn't wait to live in a place that had no eggshells on the floor
However, I'm starting to see red flags and I'm getting afraid that staying won't work. For instance....he won't tell me who is talking to, only that it is a "sponsor". He hasn't been to any meetings. and last night he said "I'm thinking I'm not an alcoholic because I really haven't had any withdrawal". This is a man that drank at least a 12 pack ever night (only what I see, not what he drinks at the bar), passes out and can't remember what happened the night before! He's had bad liver test results before, after the letter from the dr came to the house, he had my name removed from the records!
So, a couple of questions....should I demand to know who his "sponsor" is so that he's accountable? The physical withdrawal has gone amazingly well, is he right? (I know he isn't!!) He's not sleeping well, grouchy and just plain mean..(really not much of a difference Should I give him his space?
I had found a place to move to and gave him an ultimatium, stop drinking and get help! or we (3 sons still at home) are gone! He has stopped before always to start up again, I've never given this ultimatium before.... I'm absolutely terrified about the prospect of moving, but so excited at the same time.....couldn't wait to live in a place that had no eggshells on the floor
However, I'm starting to see red flags and I'm getting afraid that staying won't work. For instance....he won't tell me who is talking to, only that it is a "sponsor". He hasn't been to any meetings. and last night he said "I'm thinking I'm not an alcoholic because I really haven't had any withdrawal". This is a man that drank at least a 12 pack ever night (only what I see, not what he drinks at the bar), passes out and can't remember what happened the night before! He's had bad liver test results before, after the letter from the dr came to the house, he had my name removed from the records!
So, a couple of questions....should I demand to know who his "sponsor" is so that he's accountable? The physical withdrawal has gone amazingly well, is he right? (I know he isn't!!) He's not sleeping well, grouchy and just plain mean..(really not much of a difference
Should I give him his space?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Sounds like you are being BS'd (I don't know how one gets a sponsor without going to any meetings), but be patient. You'll find out soon enough if he's drinking again. Meantime, how ready ARE you to leave? Have you talked to a lawyer about finances, custody and visitation?
You don't have to have a physical dependency to be an alcoholic.
I really suggest you get to Al-Anon, too, if you are not already going. How old are your kiddos?
You don't have to have a physical dependency to be an alcoholic.
I really suggest you get to Al-Anon, too, if you are not already going. How old are your kiddos?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: topeka ks
Posts: 2
Thank you LexieCat, my boys are 18, 13 & 11. I haven't talked with a lawyer yet, I'm concerned about visitation because he is a "functioning" alcoholic. He's keeps a job etc. He's not gotten a DUI but it is really a matter of time! One of the things that has kept me here so long is knowing what the youngest boy will go through if no one else is home. (The others are mine from another marriage and would definitely never go visit hime!!) So my youngest would be alone...not only that, he would want to take care of him and make sure nothing happens to him when he stumbles outside in the night in a drunken stupor etc. I'm not sure how I prove that type of thing in court
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, see, that is where talking to a lawyer comes in handy. Because if you don't deal with the custody/visitation issue, he probably will. Most lawyers will give you a free or low-cost consultation initially. Knowledge is power. I think it would be a big mistake to just walk away without knowing what your rights and obligations are, unless it is an emergency (abusive situation, etc.). A lawyer can explain what the court will consider in making those determinations and help you assess the likely outcome.
Your son might benefit a lot from Alateen--might be good for him to talk with other kids who are dealing with an alcohol problem in the family.
Your son might benefit a lot from Alateen--might be good for him to talk with other kids who are dealing with an alcohol problem in the family.
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