XxGoldenxX

The only thing i keep thinking of is how this is going to haunt me the rest of my life. days might be better than others but i will never be free from this. Even clean, the thought can pop up anytime. When someone takes something for pain, when someone at my restaurant uses insulin, whenever people just.. talk...its always around. Constantly fighting and falling. How am i suppose to make myself believe just one day at a time. one ,minute at a time, make it small and not to think of the big picture. i feel like i am weaker than others because im not able to just make myself read a book or call a friend. I wake up and see no reason for doing so and try to sleep longer. i turn on music really loud and try to let it work and for the most part it does...until i have to turn it off and face what i was avoiding in the first place. i want more of an answer than just hearing "it will get better" "stay in a program" "talk to you doctor" i need a whole mind/body/soul transformation and i don't know how to believe the small steps equal the greater and to see the end while im still at the beginning

least

I am learning how to live in the moment from my dogs. I watch them doing their 'doggy' things and marvel how to them, there is no tomorrow or yesterday, only now. Every walk we take is like it's the first one. Every meal they get is like it's the only meal they'll ever get. Every time I come home, even when I'm only gone a short time, they are happy to see me and let me know it with their tails. They are teaching me to enjoy the moment and be grateful for it.

I have a ceramic paperweight that says "my goal in life is to be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am". That sums it up for me.

Nonsensical

There's no magic pills and no lightning bolts. Transformation will require work, not work avoidance. There's no other way. Learn how to become what you want to become, and then get after it.

Best of Luck to you!

MIRecovery

You didn't get sick in a day and you're not going to get better in a day. Each day you stay sober you get a little bit better. when you strung together a few of those days you'll realize that you are a lot better than you were.

millions have achieved sobriety one day at a time

2granddaughters

Golden, are you attending AA meetings?

Bob R

hypochondriac

Have you tried mindfulness meditation? Whatever you do I think it all takes time to see results and that's something we're just not used to or willing to do. I think staying in the moment is the only way to tackle it early on so anything that helps you do that is a must x

Joe Nerv

Ya said ya don't want to hear hang in there, it will get better, but there really isn't any other answer. Nor anything more true that I know of to say.

Being at the very beginning, it seems like a dark and endless road. I remember in my first week of sobriety telling a guy who was kind of sponsoring me that I couldn't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. His reaction was classic, but you kind of had to be there. He freaked out and said he could never think of it like that, he didn't think it was possible. He really just concerned himself with getting through today, and if tomorrow he felt the same he'd deal with that then. Knowing that he thought the idea was as preposterous at the time as I did was comforting. I couldn't imagine going on forever the way I was in very beginning.

The good news is that didn't last a terribly long time. It took about 3 months to get past serious urges, 6 to feel like this not drinking thing might actually work, and a little over a year to not have be an issue at all. I have no desire to drink whatsoever, and that's been going on now for a long, long time. Much longer than i ever dreamed possible. And I'm really enjoying life. There was no joy left in my addicted life. None.

If you're in NYC there are tons of great AA meetings. It sounds like you've been to some already. I highly recommend going to as many as possible in the beginning and ranting, raving, doing whatever you need to to get past what you're feeling now. I took whatever suggestions where thrown at me also, and doing that worked. Lots of tools to be had there, to get through the day, hour, minute or whatever. Tools that worked when I used them. And I drank and drugged every single day for the 4 years that led up to my recovery.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the best I've got right now. And the truth.

Mountainmanbob

Dee74

I think it's a real trap to be in early recovery and to think - this is it... this is as good as it's ever going to get.

It's not.
It's just not.
You're wrong if you're thinking that

We stay clean and sober, we deal with things, we solve problems, we meet new people who fit our new sober lives, we find new situations to be in....

we grow, we change, we build new lives...each little step takes us further on...there's no mystery there...

we look up one day and find we're in a new locality, if only mentally...and the things that were once so important to us just aren't anymore.

It may not be what you want to hear, but we really do need to give it time Golden.

D

doggonecarl

It's called faith. For me it was a faith in God. If you can't find faith in a higher power, then find faith in the power of the group here that says it gets better if you work on your recovery.

And have faith in yourself to get out of the situation you are in the same way as you got in it...one small step at a time.

Anna

One thing I found surprising was that making one small change had a ripple effect in my life. For example, I started walking long distances just to get myself out of the house in the evening. It helped me feel better physically, gave me time to talk to my husband with no interruptions, and I reconnected to my neighborhood and began frequenting some of the small shops that I had never paid attention to.

The thing that has helped me the most was reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

escapist

The first few weeks were just a long long nap. I spent a lot of time here reading and posting. I remember reading things like exercise, listen to music, pray, go to a meeting. I could'nt do any of those things. I figured that no one was as messed up as I was.
Thats right, I said was. It has been 8 months. I did not do it one day at a time. More like an hour at a time. I never believed I would make it as far as I have. Recovery did not come easy. The spirit takes time to heal just like your body. I think you are right about needing spiritual healing for addiction. But at eight months I can say I feel like a miracle has occurred in me. Try to disregard the present pain and discontent and just keep looking ahead. I just made myself believe what everyone was telling me even though it sure didnt feel like like they were right.

XxGoldenxX

thanks everyone for the replies. I will keep trying to keep things in perspective

freshstart57

You can take a huge amount of comfort and self appreciation by understanding the magnitude of what you have achieved, what it is that you are doing. You are remaking yourself into the person you always knew you were. This is monumental, the greatest single achievement I believe we can make. You reach deep inside you to find what you need, to learn that this kernel is your belief in yourself, your instinct, your nature. It is a glowing nugget that will see you through this into the life that is waiting for you.

You can do this, and you will do this simply because you must. And that is enough.

LadyinBC

I can relate a lot to your post when I first quit drinking. I didn't get the small step thing either. My focus was I couldn't ever drink again and it took me a bit to get thru that. I absolutely felt lost and like I had lost everything. I didn't want to do anything, I felt like "what is the point".

I felt like I couldn't plan anything because of one day at a time. I was thankful when my counselor sent me to daytox because I wasn't working at the time and it gave me a place to go during the day and it gave me focus.

This journey is just not easy and I did have to change alot of myself. I have been sober now for 11 months and things have gotten better and I have changed alot. I got a new job and it isn't anything like I have done before. In someways I feel liberated as I don't have to settle, I can try different things if I have to. I don't have to conform to what everyone says I have to.

Did this change happen overnight? Nope it sure didn't and I really did struggle with it in the beginning.

Nighthawk8820

It wont always be as tempting as it is right now. Eventually you wont even notice the people using around you, but right now it can seem overwhelming. Stick to your guns, and as you grow stronger, it wont be so bad. I remember when I got sober, that first week, the clock barely seemed to move. Its annoying as hell, but it does change. I promise!!! Stick with it.